feeling absolutely crazy and can't find a way out

[RyeGuy]

I've debated whether or not to post, but it's 2:35 AM, and i've spent the last 2 hours being full of anxious, nervous energy and unable to sleep. So i figured maybe one of you can provide me with some answers, or at the very least, take the time to put things down into words.

Part of the hesitancy in posting is a reluctance to return to JUB -- y'all are generally great people, but this site holds both good memories and ones I'd rather not rehash.

anyways, enough digressing.

I recently ended a relationship with a 28-year old man, who is amazing, wonderful, and on paper, everything i could ever ask for--smart, a good pedigree, pretty attractive, and dedicated. I ended it because of two things: 1) he wanted to settle down, potentially get married, and I wasn't ready to give him that and 2) i still found myself attracted to other people and wanting to see what it would be like to have some sort of physical intimacy with them. So rather than hurt him, I ended it.

A couple of other factors contributed to the situation, namely I was increasingly busy and he felt like I was neglecting him. I, on the other hand, felt like I was giving him every free minute I had, and nothing was improving. This, on top of him being currently unemployed, really strained our relationship. Finally, his mom was here for an extended period of time, which meant what time we could spent together was further reduced because he needed to spend it with her.

Thing is, I feel like its a bit of a mistake. I feel like i've thrown away a dream -- the dream of the monogamous stable relationship, with two kids, dual income family, and a general satisfaction with life. All for what, so I can continue exploring? But I know that even if we were to get back together, the issues would still be there. I'd still be busy, he'd still be needing more than I could give, etc.

But I can't stop thinking that at least I had stability and moments of happiness.

I feel like this has become a chronic problem. My first real boyfriend was a similar situation. He's the reason I am reluctant to return to JUB -- i met him on here, and I'm pretty sure he still visits. I was happy with him too, but felt like he didn't have any ambition or drive, which is frustrating in the sense that I wanted someone who could challenge me to be the best person I could be. I know i loved him though, and still think very fondly of him.

Essentially, I feel like with every relationship that is tried and failed, a piece of me is carried away in that loss, and I can't recover. So my personal life is--at least to me--in shambles. By my own choices, which I probably beat myself up for.

Coupled with the fact that I hate my job at school, my schoolwork is not where I want/need it to be, and this year is one full of changes (graduation, a full-time job in the "real world", moving to a new state by myself), I just don't have the energy or direction that I so desperately need. I am one of those people who have always been proud to have my life in order, and now that all three facets of it are in disarray, I can't seem to pick a point to start making it better.

I want to move so badly, because it symbolizes a new start, a new beginning. But even then, i fear I'll find the same challenges that have plagued me: racism within the gay community, general homophobia, and lack of support to name a few. And considering that I have decided to come out to my parents this year and live my life as an openly gay man (in texas of all places), i feel like I'll face a new set of challenges that I've never had to deal with before (having only been out to friends).

Any thoughts or advice you could offer would be so very appreciated. I feel crazy, which is an awful feeling when you know that sanity is your saving grace.

 

[Smitho]

I always feel like this at the end of a relationship, and have a sort of, we should try again feeling, but fundamentally I know the core problems and why we broke up are still going to be there, nothing really will change, and I will be in the same position 1 wasted year down the line. I then get over this, have some fun and some dates, dust off old single friendships and get back into single life and soon will be having a great time no regrets. All I advise you to do is the same, get back into single life, and enjoy it. try not to keep looking back.

As for the second half of the post, you are just in a transitional year, but don't think about it like trying to swallow a water melon, just cut it up a bit, and I am sure as the year progresses things will slowly start to fall into place. At 2.30 everything looks scary, just relax and take it a step at a time.

Finally about living life as an openly gay man, congrats on the decision, I hope you find it as liberating and rewarding experience as i did. You are defiantly moving in the right direction, even if at this moment you feel like you are paddling against the stream.

 

[TX-Beau]

Make a plan, my last year in college (and I still do this) I sat down and wrote out where I wanted to be over time, then wrote down how to get there.

Some of my goals have changes since then, but it definitely helped me figure out how to proceed, and made my problems more manageable.

 

[hylas]

I ended it because of two things: 1) he wanted to settle down, potentially get married, and I wasn't ready to give him that and 2) i still found myself attracted to other people and wanting to see what it would be like to have some sort of physical intimacy with them. So rather than hurt him, I ended it.

you write a lot of stuff to which i dont have anything insighful to say, but about the part i quoted: have you considered an open relationship? you can settle down and even have children and still keep exploring. open relationships can have many degrees of openness, wide open or just a smidge.

 

[rareboy]

You believe you actually lose part of yourself in every failure.

Not so.

You are gaining experience and hopefully wisdom.

You've got so many high stress things going on that you feel overwhelmed.

First. Breathe.

Second. Accept that every time you make a decision you could be second guessing it. Don't.

Accept what is and move on from there.

Third. You sound like someone who is hyper-tensive with sleep pattern problems, probably caused from a totally unhealthy lifestyle. No caffeine, msg or HFCS for you.

So. The long and the short of it is, accept that you have a pattern in your past relationships. Discuss with the next guy what you want out of your life and what he wants out of his. If you love him, you'll know. You won't be interested in fucking or being with anyone but him.

Maybe he'll be poor as a churchmouse, maybe rich as a pasha. If you're in love you won't care.

Now. Get on with your life. graduate. Move. find joy.

 

[thisisinteresting]

I think you made the right decision. You guys wanted different things out of a relationship. I just had my own topic where I went crazy for days and days just overthinking and overanalyzing. I think it's awesome you acted on your feelings. It's hard now, but I think it sounds good for you in the long run.

Trust me in that those feelings of wanting to experience other guys won't go away. If you think about them, the feelings strengthen. Try to ignore them? Same thing. I'm lucky enough to have gotten myself into an open relationship because we were almost 3 years deep and he didn't want to throw it away. But I couldn't... I just... couldn't be monogamous anymore.

Sorta reminds me of your situation - I'm unemployed w/ all this free time, while he works 40+ hours a week, goes to yoga a couple days a week, and doesn't have much free time. I wasn't getting laid enough. I didn't feel neglected but I can understand having all that free time and not getting to spend it with your partner and feeling frustrated.

My bf is at the age where he wants something simple, dedicated, and could be seen with plans to settle down. Not the same place I am at. Change needed to happen in the relationship to make things work. I had been lying to myself.

Sounds like you needed change too. Change hurts at first but trust me, it's a beautiful thing. You can now focus on yourself without worrying about your bf's insignificant worries (unemployed people need hobbies ).

You can focus all your attention and energy on getting your life back in order.

Also, like someone said, you have learned from this experience. You learned from your last relationships too. It may feel like you've lost a part of you right now, but really you have gained experience and wisdom about your life, and the things you're looking for out of it. You have taken something away from the situation, that much is obvious.

I was gonna say moving away won't help your problems, but then I read that you are trying to live your life as an openly gay man in Texas. I know there are parts of Texas that are more liberal than others, but perhaps you can avoid some homophobia and racism by moving somewhere a little more gay-friendly. There'll still be homophobes and xenophobia in general within the gay community (or ANY community) but it would be less prominent methinks. There are other things to consider when moving, though.

Hang in there, man. If you need to chat to someone on aim my name is orangesharpies. Not that I'm that experienced in relationships.

 

[RyeGuy]

thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies! It really helped to just put what i was feeling down into words, but there were definitely some helpful insights.

Make a plan, my last year in college (and I still do this) I sat down and wrote out where I wanted to be over time, then wrote down how to get there.

I think this is a great idea, but its that second part that is daunting. Added to the fact that there are so many unknown factors...I'm the kind of type-A person that once I've defined a plan, it can be hard to adapt sometimes. If my end goal is to live comfortably and be in a position to help people, and that doesnt happen, i'm not sure how to adjust.

you write a lot of stuff to which i dont have anything insighful to say, but about the part i quoted: have you considered an open relationship? you can settle down and even have children and still keep exploring. open relationships can have many degrees of openness, wide open or just a smidge.

I actually spoke with one of my mentors here about the frustrations i was having in the relationship, and he mentioned how he and his partner had a semi-open relationship where they play together. It, however, was not what my ex was looking for, though to his credit he did give it serious consideration.

I'm personally conflicted on the idea because i want that commitment and intimate emotional/spiritual connection, but at the same time, I think it might be most healthy (depending on the circumstance) to have a degree of openness in the relationship. How you go about establishing that at the beginning of one without scaring the other person off is something i have no idea how to do though...

Third. You sound like someone who is hyper-tensive with sleep pattern problems, probably caused from a totally unhealthy lifestyle. No caffeine, msg or HFCS for you.

Haha, definitely a type-A personality who doesnt get enough sleep at the right time, drinks a fair amt of coffee, and doesnt look at whether or not things contain MSG or HFCS. do those really impact you that much?

I'm trying to breathe, but have a tendency to overanalyze and be hyper-sensitive to judgment, perceived or real. So its hard to breathe, but your advice is duly noted, and I will do my best to breathe more.

--------

I think I need to cool off trying to get back into the game schtick for a bit. It's just that, as I said in the original post, for the first time, all three facets of my life-work, school, and relationships-aren't succeeding. At least before, if one was failing, the others were there to grant me the strength of will to continue.

Another piece of the puzzle is that I've been on manhunt and craigslist, both of which I feel like are self-destructive behaviors. If what i want is an intimate relationship, I shouldn't be on there, which in turn makes me feel like an awful human being incapable of stability. (again with the overanalysis). But I also feel like maybe I shouldn't have to feel bad for it, and that its just the sort of physical release that I need? Then there's the whole rejection piece of people who aren't into asian guys or some other nonsense, which makes me doubt leaving my ex (and a good relationship) in the first place.

I feel like I've dragged up a lot of old issues that are finally out in the open for me to face, but now the question is how to sort them all out.

 

[Eagle653]

Wow, there's a lot going on here. I'm going to go out on a limb here and may be off-base somewhat because it's impossible to delve into these things completely from afar. So, what doesn't apply...ignore.

Right now, work, school and relationships are not working well for you. At face value, that's not uncommon for someone in college. School is temporary and a means to an end; college jobs suck (almost by definition) and you're young re relationships, and probably still interested in playing the field. So, I'd say you're pretty normal (as frustrating as that is to live through).

In other words, you might be expecting perfection at a time in your life when you should be experiencing anything but. You're refining your tastes and deciding what you like (and don't like). To expect it all to come together perfectly is not very realistic.

If you regret breaking up with your boyfriend, can you meet with him, hash it out, come to some general understandings, and re-connect with him? Or, were the problems fatal ones and it's best left in the past now? It seems like you're torn about it (even wondering if breaking up was a mistake)...have you thought about reversing that mistake, or is it, on balance, the right thing to have done?

If you decide to move on, then relax and take your time. You don't have to live your whole life in the next month. As your circumstances change, so will your needs and wants regarding a relationship. Go with the flow and create a relationship for what works for you at the moment. If it's 80% or 90% good and 10% or 20% annoying, accent the positive and adapt. There will never be perfection, but if you're clever, you'll get as close to it as you can.

Good luck!

 

[RyeGuy]

quick update: Started talking with this guy, and we have a date to go watch a movie friday. i'm excited -- not expecting too much, but it'll be good to spend time with someone in an intimate way. hopefully things go well.

 

[thisisinteresting]

MSG and corn syrup are terrible. I used to drink a lot of soda and then ever since cutting it (and HFCS in general) out of my diet I have a lot more energy. It's easier to turn real food into energy.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I think I need to cool off trying to get back into the game schtick for a bit.

>>>Started talking with this guy, and we have a date to go watch a movie friday.

Glad to know the four-hour break revitalized you.

Lex

 

[phonex]

No one cares if there is no drama such as sucking cocks in the change rooms LOL