Feeling alienated from the gay community

[crubbed]

Hi,

for a long time now I've felt quite alienated from the gay community. The gay people I tend to meet are either asexual or extremely sexed up. Most of them can only talk about dick, dick, dick. They won't establish a meaningful relationship with you. They won't date you. They are just looking for dick.

And if you have a small dick, they will gossip about you and badmouth you to no end.

I happen to have a small dick. I feel like no gay man would ever settle for me. I suppose they could appreciate me if I had what I call "an open heart". Some people are just "open-hearted", they are genuine and true to their nature, you can't help but fall for them. Me on the other hand, I'm more of a "corrupt" person -- like Brenda from 6 Feet Under, I hope you're familiar with the show.

I have not had sex since August 2015. It's so rare to find a top who is exclusively interested in my ass. I've been working out and dieting for 2,5 years now. I have seen zero results. I still have a flabby stomach, and although I lift heavy weights, I just don't look like it. I can't seem to find anyone who will help me get a hot body. I have two degrees, I speak 3 languages, I am committed but still I see pretty much illiterate people with a hot body and I'm like "Why can't I be like that?".

Honestly I cannot blame gay people being shallow, because I am so shallow myself. It's just that I've looked like a loser my whole life, and I'm tired of it. I want to be part of the 'cool dudes' for once before I hit 30 years of age.

I have never been in a meaningful relationship, I'm not even sure that I'm capable of it. I've dated a few guys over the years and guess what: the ones I cared about the most dumped me and went on to find their soulmate soon afterwards. The last one just texted me with the information on St Valentine's LOL, after going MIA for a couple months.

I think it's only karmic justice if I am alone. Sorry, there's basically no question here. I just needed to vent. I'm constantly torn between thinking "There's no space for anyone else in my life" and "I don't want to die alone". I guess it comes a point in life where you figure the life you've lived so far is pretty similar to the life you're going to live until you die. I was curious to see if someone else felt the same and overcame this. Thank you for reading.

 

[slnattak]

Well realistically you will only connect with certain individuals not "the gays" or anything like that.

Hot body most likely requires eating perfectly and working out 4 hours daily. (and by working out I mean working out and really pushing yourself and making it intense no sissy crap lel) A lot of hard work, effort and sacrifice that a lot of people just aren't ready for. A lot of ppl think they are 'working out' but they are doing baby stuff that doesn't really help sculpt the body. Though I am far from an expert myself LoL. But yeah, you aren't going to get fit just walking around the block and cutting a few calories. It will keep you alive and it's healthy but if you wanna look good naked, you gotta work bitch!

But... even tho hot bodies are nice and gay men are shallow and mean, ppl can still see through it and if you are empty on the inside- the outside isn't going to save you at all. I've had the hottest perv sessions with guys who didn't have perfect gym bods but we both connected on the mind.

I loved the show Six Feet Under. So I will be your friend based on that. <3 Oh and I know from experience the way to a good life is to stop making excuses, and to cut out feeling sorry for yourself and the 'poor me' routine. What you want from life can be achieved with hard work and effort. So if you wanna hot body, you can have it- but be prepared to work on it. Oh and make sure you fap to the scene with Tom Wolfe and Cal Syke when they were at the gym omg that one was so hot...

 

[Seasoned]

Being the best person you can be inside and out is the starting point. Realism in terms of how much you're willing to change will put things in perspective. Stop comparing yourself to anyone else. It's not healthy and will never allow you to be satisfied.

Talk to a well qualified trainer if you want to make body changes. If nothing has happened over a period of time, something is off in terms of what you are doing (or not doing).

 

[offthewall14420]

Most guys want a bigger dick, or better abs, or better hair, or a better face, a more bleached/hairless/tighter ass, or more money, or a sugar daddy (ask for a notarized contract twinks). Everyone has their insecurities.

If being cool means being one of them, FUCK IT.

I'd rather have str8 friends who are real.

Besides, a ripped body is a depreciating asset. Lease, don't buy.

PS - agreed - Six Feet Under is one of the greatest shows ever

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess I have no advice because I'm not even sure where the issue is. Your post started as a rant on "the gay community", which apparently is obsessed with dick, and yours doesn't measure up...but then you switch gears, admit that "you're shallow, too", and complain that despite two years of work, you're still not hot enough to land a really hot guy who is "exclusively interested" in your ass.

All I can do is throw out seeds and see if they take root.

I've been meeting people on my own for almost three decades. I've been passed over by gays, straights, men and women. I've been passed over for being too young, too old, too fat, too ugly, too poor, too smart, and too stupid. But I've clicked with others. I've got plenty of casual friends. And I've become close friends with several of them. And I've dated some, and screwed some, and gotten into a relationship with some.

I guess it helps that I'm not "shallow" (to use your term). I never yearned for a hot guy. Would I have turned a hot guy down? Hell no. But I look at a guy's hotness like his income. Yeah, if he were filthy rich, that'd be pretty awesome. But if he isn't, I think we'd have just as much fun on a budget. All I cared about was "do I mesh with this guy? Do I enjoy his company, and have fun with him, and would have fun getting the sheets sweaty and sticky with him?" And there are tons of not-hot guys that I can say "yes" to for that.

Maybe that's not possible with you. Maybe if he's not at least a 9, you literally can't drum up any interest. In which case, all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm in my late 40s now. I'm still overweight, hairy, and have a resting bitch face that would shatter glass. And guys still hit on me. No, not hourly, but occasionally. And I don't think it's because they have a fat, hairy, RBF fetish. It's because they see me, they interact with me, they enjoy that interaction, and they think they might like to take things further. And that's pretty awesome.

Lex

 

[GamerBear]

I understand, I've felt that way in the gay community and in the bear community. I even felt like that here at JUB because a lot of members prefer the larger dicks, the guys who enjoy the small ones are usually only into it because of a fetish.

I've had guys who put me down because of my stocky chubby body while most fantasized about it cause of their fetish. I've been dumped by a guy cause he preferred twinks over a good heart. The gay community can be nothing but shallow, but it all depends on who you talk to I suppose. It's real tough to find the right guy who will be perfect for you. It's coming on 10 years since I met my husband here at JUB. Do your best to improve your way of life and don't stress about being alone as that will only make you depressed.

 

[TX-Beau]

The "Gay Community" is filled with men who have different interests, fucking OBVIOUSLY different attractions, and different activities. If you are a Bear looking for love from guys who want Twinkies you are going to be out of luck, and if the "Gay Community" isn't particularly loving your personal self, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. DON'T look for monogamy from the party boys, and DON'T look for chubby chasers to love a Twink.

What's true for everyone is that no one outside yourself can ever give you self esteem, that is something you have to provide for yourself, and you start by taking control of your own damn self, and making yourself the YOU that you want to be.

NO EXCUSES!

 

[offthewall14420]

What's true is that Brenda's brain processed the world differently than other people. Just stabilizing the chemistry of the brain, then returning to equilibrium can be a lifelong challenge for many people.

We all die alone... that's the end of everyone's journey. Sure, it'll be nice to have someone watch, hold your hand, but the hydro-morphine injection will be more comforting if you're afraid. If you've been to that point and somehow survive, it should change you.

Some people say 'Fuck it! I'm going back to school to get my degree and get a good job!". Then they do and realize, oh shit, I'm not spend my life in some fucking rigged rat race working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week so I can collect more things and accomplishments."

Just do what you enjoy and ignore all the noise. Maybe your karma will change.

Haters gonna hate. Ainter's gonna aint.

 

[mcbrion]

Well realistically you will only connect with certain individuals not "the gays" or anything like that.

Hot body most likely requires eating perfectly and working out 4 hours daily. (and by working out I mean working out and really pushing yourself and making it intense no sissy crap lel) A lot of hard work, effort and sacrifice that a lot of people just aren't ready for. A lot of ppl think they are 'working out' but they are doing baby stuff that doesn't really help sculpt the body. Though I am far from an expert myself LoL. But yeah, you aren't going to get fit just walking around the block and cutting a few calories. It will keep you alive and it's healthy but if you wanna look good naked, you gotta work bitch!

But... even tho hot bodies are nice and gay men are shallow and mean, ppl can still see through it and if you are empty on the inside- the outside isn't going to save you at all. I've had the hottest perv sessions with guys who didn't have perfect gym bods but we both connected on the mind.

I loved the show Six Feet Under. So I will be your friend based on that. <3 Oh and I know from experience the way to a good life is to stop making excuses, and to cut out feeling sorry for yourself and the 'poor me' routine. What you want from life can be achieved with hard work and effort. So if you wanna hot body, you can have it- but be prepared to work on it. Oh and make sure you fap to the scene with Tom Wolfe and Cal Syke when they were at the gym omg that one was so hot...

Eating healthy, yes? 4 hours a day, no. And I competed back in the 70s, when ironically, I was in my 20s. Now, I'm near 70 and we're approaching the '20s. Things flip fast - like Life. Anyway, no, 4 hours is not needed unless someone is obsessive about winning the Mr. Universe contest. This gentleman just wants to look good.

If you are still flabby, look at the fat content in your diet and reduce it, and realize that non-complex carbs (almost anything in a box) will likely have unnecessary sugar and sugar WILL turn into fat on your body, I don't care WHAT Weight Watchers or anyone else says. The Classic bodybuilder diet was steak and a salad, which I hated, so I ate chicken and lots of broccoli, green beans....and, ugh, the salad. If you're still not losing excess fat, might you be taking medications? Some of them slow down weight loss.

But this is irrelevant. The first thing that you might want to look at is your attitude towards believing you need a bigger penis. I've been with many guys who were smaller endowed, and they were probably sweeter because of that. But if you're stuck in a state of misery, you might want someone (a therapist) to help you look at that. I certainly agree that others can behave in ways that hurt your feelings, but you DO need to be resilient enough to ignore them. Otherwise, you'll continue the defeatism you're displaying here.

As it's your wish to have 'a body like that,' (which has its drawbacks, but it's only AFTER you get that type of body that you realize that), I don't want to dissuade you from what you think you want. You will find that many guys who approach you couldn't care less if you have a great brain and a big heart. They desire you but won't truly "want" you (by want, I mean interested in who you are inside. I speak from experience.).

I empathize with big-busted women who have to endure guys pretending to like them, but only wanting the outside of them, while ignoring what they have to offer). Remember what Christ said: " "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces." Not trying to be a Holy Roller, but the advice is practical: some people are (sorry, Jesus used this word) pigs, and are incapable of appreciating your non-physical gifts. Is that the kind of guy you want to attract? You sure about that? It's not so great: you'll have to kiss a hell of a lot more frogs when you look great on the outside than you do when you're a perfectly nice-looking "average" (whatever that means these days) guy.

So, if you want a healthy relationship, find a site or two that looks more relationship-oriented. This eliminated Grindr (never been on it) and quite a few others. Daddyhunt has sensible guys, even though there are people who are all of 14 in their approach. But it starts with you. And your attitude towards "the gay community." There are plenty of really nice guys around, even ones you'll be attracted to! Go find them, and try to not be the kid with his face pressed up against the candy-store window, always wanting what the thinks he wants.

 

[offthewall14420]

Just an FYI - probably good to see a nutritionist. Generally this will be covered in full by your insurance as it's preventative. Just try to be healthy bc the body instinctively fights weight loss. Expectations need to be managed as to avoid falling into entirely unhealthy habits. There's a certain crazy circular logic to the entire thing:

Why do you want a sculpted body?
To get hotter guys, be more popular

Why do want hotter guys and to be be more popular?
because the sex may be better, people will aspire to be like me

Why is the sex possibly better, be more popular, and more aspirational?
because they have nice round asses, hard bodies, and pretty mouths... eye candy

Why are their nice round asses, hard bodies, and pretty mouths more attractive to you?
bc that's what marketers have branded as attractive/sexy, and everything in our society is about sex (except for sex)

Why do you feel they are correct in their branding?
bc i'll get hotter guys and be more popular

 

[mcbrion]

Just an FYI - probably good to see a nutritionist. Generally this will be covered in full by your insurance as it's preventative. Just try to be healthy bc the body instinctively fights weight loss. Expectations need to be managed as to avoid falling into entirely unhealthy habits. There's a certain crazy circular logic to the entire thing:

Why do you want a sculpted body?
To get hotter guys, be more popular

Why do want hotter guys and to be be more popular?
because the sex may be better, people will aspire to be like me

Why is the sex possibly better, be more popular, and more aspirational?
because they have nice round asses, hard bodies, and pretty mouths... eye candy

Why are their nice round asses, hard bodies, and pretty mouths more attractive to you?
bc that's what marketers have branded as attractive/sexy, and everything in our society is about sex (except for sex)

Why do you feel they are correct in their branding?
bc i'll get hotter guys and be more popular

In this age, where people measure their self-worth by how many friends they have on Facebook (truly unhealthy), it's not a surprise that guys measure their self-worth by how many guys they can attract. When I started working out in 1970, not many guys worked out, so I stood out. BUT. There was also not the sense that one was worthless unless they had one of "those" bodies. That changed around 1995, when the AIDS cocktail came out (steroided medication) and many of the guys taking them suddenly blew up with enough muscles to turn them into "hunks" whereas before that, they had perfectly nice bodies. But there's always that thinking (women have done it for centuries) that a new, slinky dress, or killer makeup or hair would get them 'the hot guy.' Sometimes it did, and the guy was a jerk who caused them pain. That's the part people forget about: you attract bees with honey, but you will also attract wasps and hornets, too.
These days, people make themselves neurotic thinking the they reason they don't have a boyfriend is their body. "It's not hot enough." It's unfortunate thinking, but it IS prevalent. It seems rarely to occur to them that they aren't comfortable with themselves. And even when they get that hot body, that mind is telling them they're still not hot enough. That message won't go away just by getting a body. Observed this for many years, as I've said often enough before, in San Francisco, in the 70s, 80s and 90s. Until the cocktail came out.
There's a book: The Adonis Complex, which examine the body dysmorphia syndrome that has spread to men. And it is still increasing, sadly. You cannot change a mind that is conditioned to retain unhealthy ideas, not without professional help.

 

[crubbed]

Hi guys, I wanted to thank you all for your replies. I'm catching up with them right now. Lots of food for thought. I know my original post was kind of confusing, a lot of random issues strung together with no real question. I still feel I have some things to add, but I'll take some time to absorb your replies and make sure I learn something from them. I really appreciate you taking the time to help out me, a total stranger, as you always do.