Feeling distraught over recent breakup...advice please...

[airtw0004]

So long story, but I have recently been dating someone for about 9 months. He was my first 'real' relationship and first time doing anything sexual. I appreciate he was initially very patient with taking things slow and supportive of me during our bedroom antics.

However, about 5-6 months into the relationship, I felt as though I was not able to sexually satisfy him because of my inexperience with bottoming and his ridiculously large penis (about 7x7). He told me initially that it didn't matter because he loved me and that we could try to work around that or progress slowly. I was very grateful for his understanding.

The last 1.5 months we have not really been able to see each other as he worked/went to school during the day and I somehow got scheduled for pretty much all second shift work. Our interaction remained pretty much me coming home at night and waking him up for two minutes, having a short conversation, and then going to sleep. I know this was not very good for our relationship. However, he understood this from the beginning because my work requires that my hours are often long and all over the place.

About 3 weeks ago, he decided he wanted to start staying closer to school because he had to be there early everyday and he so he moved all of his stuff out of my place. Up until then, he had been driving 45 minutes each way, everyday to my place after work and then back in the mornings. I didn't think it was out of character since I knew the drive was taxing and his project he was working on required a lot of hours.

Fast forward to about a week ago, he started not really answering calls/texts or sounding very annoyed whenever I spoke with him. Anyway, when I confront him about said behavior change, he finally fesses up that he had cheated on me. I was devastated. He told me it was only about the sex and nothing else. To me, what made it bad was that he was cheating on me after work and then still driving back to my place afterwards before I got home. This had been going on even before he moved his stuff out.

We had always been very open about discussing issues in our relationship and to be honest, we haven't actually fought with each other in 4-5 months. The whole 'lack of sex' problem I know was very frustrating for him because I know it was partially my fault. I frequently shot him down because I was simply too tired (I sometimes worked 80-90 hrs/week x 2-3 weeks in a row) or because I just couldn't handle the size of his penis and it was really uncomfortable for me. He really didn't like my BJs that much because I had issues with fitting his penis in my mouth. Eventually (looking back on it now), he stopped trying to initiate anything at all. He did mention about having an open relationship but that is honestly not something I want to be a part of.

The problem is that I still feel like I love him and miss him. The last few weeks he has not been staying with me have been really unbearable. We have pretty much been still texting and talking on the phone since the revelation and he says that he still loves me, but is unsure of where to go with our relationship. He wants to take a short break from our relationship until he can think clearly about it at the conclusion of his work project.

I really want to get back together with him and try to fix the problems with our sex life. I feel like he never gave me a chance even though I know I should have taken notice earlier.

The thing I cannot fix, which he brought up during our conversation, was his difficulty in accepting our power differential. He is a graduate student and I am a resident physician so he feels inadequate and not 'up to my level.' He says he feels inadequate around my coworkers and friends. He also feels like he can't provide me the lifestyle I want. I told him that was never the reason I dated him in the first place--I would be able to afford whatever I want myself.

So I guess, I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't fix his feelings of inadequacy unless he chooses to accept there will always be that difference. I feel like I can try to fix the sex problem, but only if he gives me a chance. I know it may seem like I want to stay with him because he is my first relationship but to be honest he has all the personality traits I wanted in an ideal mate and he treats me like I always thought a partner would and more. I have gone on many dates with other people, but he was the only one I ever wanted to go on more than a few dates with, not to mention let him give me my first sexual experience.

I'm not sure how I will feel if he doesn't want to give our relationship a second chance, but at the same time I know he was the one that cheated on me.

My god...%$#@$*#@&*^&....I just want to scream and hold him so bad at the same time...

 

[hotatlboi]

I recently went through something similar.

Had a 10 month relationship that was great except for the sex part.

Ultimately we just weren't sexually compatible enough I guess, sometimes that's how it turns out.

The breakup hurts but at the same time, you have to realize that staying in that kind of relationship that is not fulfilling sexually just makes the parties resent each other and that kind of dynamic will end it sooner or later too (probably on worse terms).

 

[medic1]

You are a Dr, what advice would you give a patient who presented you with the same situation?

If you are not comfortable in an open relationship, and he cannot promise to remain monogamous, ask yourself if you are willing to compromise.

If the answer is no, then you and you alone must decide what path you are going to take.
I hope you are able to find common ground.

 

[eastofeden]

Sex and money are two huge obstacles in many relationships...and at the moment...both of these are on the table. Neither will go away without alot of compromise..and alot of luck...and good timing....

...and just a personal opinion based on my own experience...the power differential might actually be an even bigger issue than either the money or the sex....and that might be completely out of your control. When he mentions your colleagues and friends and his feelings of inadequacy...I would suggest putting yourself in his shoes..honestly...instead of saying it doesn't matter to you...because it definitely matters to him...

 

[kallipolis]

So long story, but I have recently been dating someone for about 9 months. He was my first 'real' relationship and first time doing anything sexual. I appreciate he was initially very patient with taking things slow and supportive of me during our bedroom antics.

However, about 5-6 months into the relationship, I felt as though I was not able to sexually satisfy him because of my inexperience with bottoming and his ridiculously large penis (about 7x7). He told me initially that it didn't matter because he loved me and that we could try to work around that or progress slowly. I was very grateful for his understanding.

The last 1.5 months we have not really been able to see each other as he worked/went to school during the day and I somehow got scheduled for pretty much all second shift work. Our interaction remained pretty much me coming home at night and waking him up for two minutes, having a short conversation, and then going to sleep. I know this was not very good for our relationship. However, he understood this from the beginning because my work requires that my hours are often long and all over the place.

About 3 weeks ago, he decided he wanted to start staying closer to school because he had to be there early everyday and he so he moved all of his stuff out of my place. Up until then, he had been driving 45 minutes each way, everyday to my place after work and then back in the mornings. I didn't think it was out of character since I knew the drive was taxing and his project he was working on required a lot of hours.

Fast forward to about a week ago, he started not really answering calls/texts or sounding very annoyed whenever I spoke with him. Anyway, when I confront him about said behavior change, he finally fesses up that he had cheated on me. I was devastated. He told me it was only about the sex and nothing else. To me, what made it bad was that he was cheating on me after work and then still driving back to my place afterwards before I got home. This had been going on even before he moved his stuff out.

We had always been very open about discussing issues in our relationship and to be honest, we haven't actually fought with each other in 4-5 months. The whole 'lack of sex' problem I know was very frustrating for him because I know it was partially my fault. I frequently shot him down because I was simply too tired (I sometimes worked 80-90 hrs/week x 2-3 weeks in a row) or because I just couldn't handle the size of his penis and it was really uncomfortable for me. He really didn't like my BJs that much because I had issues with fitting his penis in my mouth. Eventually (looking back on it now), he stopped trying to initiate anything at all. He did mention about having an open relationship but that is honestly not something I want to be a part of.

The problem is that I still feel like I love him and miss him. The last few weeks he has not been staying with me have been really unbearable. We have pretty much been still texting and talking on the phone since the revelation and he says that he still loves me, but is unsure of where to go with our relationship. He wants to take a short break from our relationship until he can think clearly about it at the conclusion of his work project.

I really want to get back together with him and try to fix the problems with our sex life. I feel like he never gave me a chance even though I know I should have taken notice earlier.

The thing I cannot fix, which he brought up during our conversation, was his difficulty in accepting our power differential. He is a graduate student and I am a resident physician so he feels inadequate and not 'up to my level.' He says he feels inadequate around my coworkers and friends. He also feels like he can't provide me the lifestyle I want. I told him that was never the reason I dated him in the first place--I would be able to afford whatever I want myself.

So I guess, I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't fix his feelings of inadequacy unless he chooses to accept there will always be that difference. I feel like I can try to fix the sex problem, but only if he gives me a chance. I know it may seem like I want to stay with him because he is my first relationship but to be honest he has all the personality traits I wanted in an ideal mate and he treats me like I always thought a partner would and more. I have gone on many dates with other people, but he was the only one I ever wanted to go on more than a few dates with, not to mention let him give me my first sexual experience.

I'm not sure how I will feel if he doesn't want to give our relationship a second chance, but at the same time I know he was the one that cheated on me.

My god...%$#@$*#@&*^&....I just want to scream and hold him so bad at the same time...

That sex has manifestly appeared prominently throughout your deposition, it would appear to me that the so called relationship has failed to mature, beyond what appears to be a failed sexual life.

All experiences are constructive, knowing that nothing lasts forever, and that apparent failure of ones first relationship, prepares the ground for another relationship that will appear sooner, or later to encourage you to apply the lessons learnt from the last relationship.

Move on with your life, for there are more relationships in store for you to grow more experience.

 

[Seasoned]

You were lucky to get a hint of what life is like when you're in love and in a relationship and as painful as it is right now you'll be ok without him. Any of your colleagues in relationships can attest to the difficulties of essentially working two full time jobs and keeping a partner happy. It can be comforting to have someone at home and not have to spend time and energy dating, but this is the time in your profession that demands sacrifice. As you know, it'll be better in the future. Unless someone is so crazy in love with you that they're willing to set things aside until you have time for them, chances are you'll not be able to hold up you're end in any relationship right now. Let him go wish him the best. You're time will come soon enough.

 

[mcbrion]

If you "shot him down," and you are the physician, knowingly or otherwise, you need to see that you're partly responsible for the "power differential" he has complained about. It's not simply that he's a graduate student and you a physician, it's how you responded and how often you did that. Consciously or otherwise, you used your "authority" as the physician to subdue his unhappiness. It does no good to later say, "he's the one that cheated," as though trying to justify things. Either you give up that train of thought, or you're already lost. You cannot have both positions. If he feels your lack of cooperation gave him no choice, and you did not discuss that then, then that leads to where you are now. And not having had an antecedent (a prior loving relationship) is very tricky for many people, because they have nothing to compare it to, so they draw analogies and conclusions from their rationalizations, which is even harder. He's rationalizing that he mentioned an 'open relationship' and you're rationalizing that 'he cheated first.' The communication lines are - and this is only my guess - not as open as either of you supposed them to be, or there wouldn't be these kind of surprises.
When you say "he was the one who cheated on me" and then in the very next sentence say, "My god...%$#@$*#@&*^&....I just want to scream and hold him so bad at the same time…", it sounds like a very, very mixed message. Which point is closer to your heart? Righteousness or genuine Love?
It's a tough, tough road you're on. I'm afraid I see Seasoned's wisdom as the more likely outcome, although I hope for a win-win. If you're going to make it through, you will both need to agree to - and be completely committed to - therapy. And that's not even a guarantee, but it's a better path than floundering around inside your respective positions, neither of which is giving validation to the other.

 

[Rolyo85]

Something that's missing from this story - and I believe it's terribly important in order to grasp the situation from an outside perspective - is what, if any, is the age difference between you?

Also, if he is a graduate student, then his situation will drastically change soon, both financially, and professionally, and hopefully for the better. Is that not a factor he is considering?

As for the sex part, sex isn't an on/off situation, and your capacity to accommodate size isn't set in stone, it changes with training and experience. Did he initiate foreplay or did he just try to go straight to plowing you? You say he was patient, but did he offer some advice, did you guys try to actually get you to be able to take him and enjoy it? Did you ever try switching roles or are you both set in your preferences?

There are multiple things that improve or ruin a sex life, and in my experience, only a significant difference in sex drive is truly fatal and unfixable. You don't mention such a disparity, but you do mention that you rebuffed his attempts at sex. Was being exhausted the only reason?

And now the most important subject - how do you feel about his cheating? How does HE feel about it? How many times did he do it and did he express a desire to stop and work on the issues the two of you have? Because the way you paint the story, he got fed up, and instead of addressing the problems, packed his shit and left. And if that's what he did, are you sure you want to build a future with a man who does that? Is that one of the "personality traits of an ideal mate" as far as you are concerned?

All of these questions are meant to address issues that could be relevant, none of them is rhetorical or confrontational.

 

[airtw0004]

To answer some questions mentioned above:

I know I have been guilty in the past when my bf tried talking to me about problems that I would sometimes ask him not to talk to me about it at that current moment since I generally am fairly emotionally/physically drained after a long day/week at work. He also did mention that sometimes my tone that I took with him was somewhat condescending. I know I do not mean to do such a thing but I feel in a way that my job has turned me into an even more 'type A' personality. I have to be in control at work and I rarely concede that control.

He has always known I will never accept an open relationship with him.

I am <1 month older than him. We are both 28.

He knows that I will always make 3-5x more than him.

He always tries to initiate foreplay but I think it's a psychological block I need to get past. I know all too well the complications of people sticking things up their bum and I would like to try to avoid those issues. Especially with his size, I just always tense up when he was trying to insert. He did offer to bottom for me, but the last couple of times I wanted to top him, he always said he was 'not prepared.'

As mentioned above, I'm usually really tired when I come home from work and I really just want to go to sleep. He has tried waking me up in the middle of the night but honestly I kind of rebuffed him during those times as well.

So I have actually no idea how many times/people he may have cheated on me with. Frankly, I'd rather not know. I think I would be even more devastated if I knew.

______________________________________________________________________________________

So my ex actually texted me today out of the blue (despite not being done yet with his project as he previously told me). I asked him to meet me for lunch since I had been thinking about him daily since he moved out and we had our 'official' breakup. During this time, I really had been trying to think about whether I simply enjoyed being in a relationship or it was him that I loved. After a lot of soul searching, I realized it was him that I wanted.

Anyways, long story short, he pretty much told me that he had been thinking about me during this time. Also, despite having sex with other people, he could not stop thinking about me and that the sex was not actually enjoyable for him. He told me he would rather have me back in his life more + crappy sex life (with me only) than lose me completely. I told him I don't want to know about any of his sexual exploits during our breakup (but he did need to go get STD testing) and we would start fresh. We hugged for a long time afterwards.

I still feel kinda weird for some reason. Maybe wounds are still fresh? I have this pressure that I hope I will be able to fulfill his sexual needs and be more open about discussing the problems in our relationship in the future. Regardless, we will take things slow and try to mend what was broken.

 

[Rolyo85]

You have to know that while he may say he's fine with sucky sex life, that's absolutely not true. He felt bad about you two being apart, and he convinced himself that the problem that caused this to happen in the first place wasn't really there. Enjoy this lucky break (since you want him back), but don't think the problem won't build up again, and actively try to work on it.