I feel so down about life at the minute, I feel like everything I do is a chore and I'm just not happy at all, I came out to my parents 2 years ago and was in a controlling and abusive relationship last year, it ended in December last year when he cheated on me and I'd found out he was speaking to several guys behind my back, when I dumped him because of this he severely beat me up and I had to get the police involved, I have been dating another guy for about 3 months now, our relationship is official and we've met each other's parents and everything, it was going really well, but he's been going in unexplained moods with me when he doesn't speak to me for days and now I don't know where I stand, this guy is perfect when he's ok with me and I'd like to think I can trust him, he makes me so happy and I want this relationship to last but I can't help but ask myself in the back of my head, are all gay guys the same? 90% of them are sex obsessed, sleep with just anybody and lie and cheat! It just depresses me so much because I always have that at the back of my head and I can't be happy! I need help!
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Feeling down (are all gays the same?)
- Thread starter dance94
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TX-Beau
FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE!
OK, gay men ore no more "sex obsessed" than any other kind of men. Some men are very promiscuous, some men are celibate, most are somewhere in between.
It always perplexes me why - given the large number of gay men who come in here complaining about that, that they can't find each other.
Neither are 90% of gay men liars and cheaters with no standards. IF that is the ONLY kind of gay man you are dating, perhaps the problem is somewhat closer to home.
You've been dating for three months, slow down, that's only a beginning.
If you've decided you can't be happy, no one will be able to talk you out of that.
It always perplexes me why - given the large number of gay men who come in here complaining about that, that they can't find each other.
Neither are 90% of gay men liars and cheaters with no standards. IF that is the ONLY kind of gay man you are dating, perhaps the problem is somewhat closer to home.
You've been dating for three months, slow down, that's only a beginning.
If you've decided you can't be happy, no one will be able to talk you out of that.
You sound depressed. Which is, you should think about depression and what that means. It's not just your emotional outlook on relationships and life that is depressed, your body's ability to manufacture crucial hormones and neurotransmitters is also depressed.
Depression will effect your decision making and the view of you have of yourself and the world around you.
It's sounds to me you, like all of us, are in a hurry to fix whatever pains you. For some people that fix is drugs, others food, others sex and for a very huge amount of people that's relationships: "love" Except virtually no one in the latter group really sees an exaggerated need for love and companionship as detrimental or destructive.
I am not saying relationships aren't important, i am just there is more to you and your life and life than finding Mr.Right. There's drugs and food and sex!
Depression will effect your decision making and the view of you have of yourself and the world around you.
It's sounds to me you, like all of us, are in a hurry to fix whatever pains you. For some people that fix is drugs, others food, others sex and for a very huge amount of people that's relationships: "love" Except virtually no one in the latter group really sees an exaggerated need for love and companionship as detrimental or destructive.
I am not saying relationships aren't important, i am just there is more to you and your life and life than finding Mr.Right. There's drugs and food and sex!
Hello, dance94
I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles. However, I am also glad to hear you have since rid yourself of that toxic relationship with your past boyfriend, which is very much a positive.
I agree with badbug, in that your seem depressed. And after what you have been through, it's no wonder. But that is not a reason to stereotype all gay men as promiscuous, oversexed, cheating bastards. You've just been through a rough period, and feeling hurt and jaded. You need to work on your own personal happiness. Stop looking to relationships to validate you. Focus on bettering yourself through your education (if you're currently in school) or work (if you're currently working). And if not, you need to.
You need to take things slow and easy with this new guy. Have you tried to talk to him about communication? He may not be good at expressing himself. He's your boyfriend, so talk to him. And if he doesn't want to talk, then it's a doomed relationship from the start, and you need to move on, fulfilling yourself, while on the look out for the right guy.
You won't be happy until you are secure and confident in yourself. Not seek a relationship to give you all you need. And even then, relationships aren't easy, as you well know, and not to be discouraged by the smallest issue. As badbug advised, "there is more to you and your life" than focusing everything on finding a relationship.
Goodluck!
I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles. However, I am also glad to hear you have since rid yourself of that toxic relationship with your past boyfriend, which is very much a positive.
I agree with badbug, in that your seem depressed. And after what you have been through, it's no wonder. But that is not a reason to stereotype all gay men as promiscuous, oversexed, cheating bastards. You've just been through a rough period, and feeling hurt and jaded. You need to work on your own personal happiness. Stop looking to relationships to validate you. Focus on bettering yourself through your education (if you're currently in school) or work (if you're currently working). And if not, you need to.
You need to take things slow and easy with this new guy. Have you tried to talk to him about communication? He may not be good at expressing himself. He's your boyfriend, so talk to him. And if he doesn't want to talk, then it's a doomed relationship from the start, and you need to move on, fulfilling yourself, while on the look out for the right guy.
You won't be happy until you are secure and confident in yourself. Not seek a relationship to give you all you need. And even then, relationships aren't easy, as you well know, and not to be discouraged by the smallest issue. As badbug advised, "there is more to you and your life" than focusing everything on finding a relationship.
Goodluck!
If your boyfriend isn't speaking to you for days, something is seriously wrong. You deserve to be happy, and clearly, you aren't. Sure, couples argue and get angry with one another (they wouldn't be a normal couple, if they didn't), but no one deserves to be ignored for days at a time. My opinion is that your boyfriend can't be that great of a person if he's ok with doing that to you and making you feel this way. Yes, people deal with stress and other things differently, but it's incredibly selfish to completely disregard your feelings this way and only care about his own.
I understand what you're saying about gay guys being all the same. I've had the same thoughts many times. After a couple failed relationships (one where I was cheated on and one where I refused to be in an open relationship), I became a serial dater and had come to the conclusion that all gay guys only wanted sex. I'd dated women in the past, so it was different for me to enter this world where everything revolved around sex. I began questioning myself...was I a prude? Was I too wholesome? Was I doing something to make these guys cheat or want an open relationship? Was I lacking something? I was even told by multiple people that I needed to "slut around" and have some fun. While I don't judge anyone who does that, it's just not who I am. I like dates that involve an adventure, intriguing conversation and lots of laughs that end in a "we should hang out again", rather than ending it in someone's bed. Eventually, I found someone who was involved in that typical gay lifestyle but inside was looking for more of what I wanted and was offering. He was afraid to date me, because he thought I needed to experience more of the sexual gay world and he'd be stopping me. I was afraid to date him because I wondered if I would satisfy him enough, sexually. We are both extremely glad that we've given each other a chance, coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. We tell each other every single day how happy we finally are.
Anyway, my point is that it seems like you aren't happy, and you should be. You deserve happiness at all times....not just when your boyfriend feels like it. Find someone who can give you that happiness. My other point is that yes, the gay world can be a crazy place filled with crazy people, but don't rule anyone out. Don't limit yourself. Keep looking and eventually you'll find happiness. You're going to go through a lot of negative interactions, failed dates, etc, but that's how you meet people and learn more about yourself and what you're ideally searching for. If someone propositions you for something you're not comfortable with, say no and move on. Just be true to yourself, hold your values high and don't let anyone make you feel like you deserve anything less than you actually do. Go out and find happiness!
I understand what you're saying about gay guys being all the same. I've had the same thoughts many times. After a couple failed relationships (one where I was cheated on and one where I refused to be in an open relationship), I became a serial dater and had come to the conclusion that all gay guys only wanted sex. I'd dated women in the past, so it was different for me to enter this world where everything revolved around sex. I began questioning myself...was I a prude? Was I too wholesome? Was I doing something to make these guys cheat or want an open relationship? Was I lacking something? I was even told by multiple people that I needed to "slut around" and have some fun. While I don't judge anyone who does that, it's just not who I am. I like dates that involve an adventure, intriguing conversation and lots of laughs that end in a "we should hang out again", rather than ending it in someone's bed. Eventually, I found someone who was involved in that typical gay lifestyle but inside was looking for more of what I wanted and was offering. He was afraid to date me, because he thought I needed to experience more of the sexual gay world and he'd be stopping me. I was afraid to date him because I wondered if I would satisfy him enough, sexually. We are both extremely glad that we've given each other a chance, coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. We tell each other every single day how happy we finally are.
Anyway, my point is that it seems like you aren't happy, and you should be. You deserve happiness at all times....not just when your boyfriend feels like it. Find someone who can give you that happiness. My other point is that yes, the gay world can be a crazy place filled with crazy people, but don't rule anyone out. Don't limit yourself. Keep looking and eventually you'll find happiness. You're going to go through a lot of negative interactions, failed dates, etc, but that's how you meet people and learn more about yourself and what you're ideally searching for. If someone propositions you for something you're not comfortable with, say no and move on. Just be true to yourself, hold your values high and don't let anyone make you feel like you deserve anything less than you actually do. Go out and find happiness!
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I don't think the majority of people get to this point, but I think it ought to be the goal of everyone to be happy and content whether or not they are in a relationship. Anytime someone "needs" to be in a relationship they are likely to attract someone incapable of providing genuine intimacy. The older I get the move convinced I am that we all give off signals (vibes) of which we are unaware. Addicts find co-dependents, for example. You may be sending a desperation vibe which is attracting non-available types who "know" you are t likely to leave. Again, I'm speaking of nonverbal, subconscious vibes that we pick up from one another without really being aware.
I'm going to suggest you work on yourself before you worry about having a partner. Until you can stare into a mirror and tell yourself that you're a good catch and believe that, if possible, you'd date you, you are more likely than not to be in one unhealthy relationship after another.
How do you get to that point? Self-help, which might include therapy.
I'm going to suggest you work on yourself before you worry about having a partner. Until you can stare into a mirror and tell yourself that you're a good catch and believe that, if possible, you'd date you, you are more likely than not to be in one unhealthy relationship after another.
How do you get to that point? Self-help, which might include therapy.
mcbrion
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I second Seasoned's advice.
One thing that is important that so many people miss is this: the messages you got - particularly from your mother - lead to either being able to give/receive intimacy in a positive sense or not being able to receive it from others. So look at what you were told when you were young - VERY young (up to 5 or 6 years old) and see if you can recognize that your parents were warm or cold. If you had a mother who was withdrawn, distant or disapproving, this is what you will look for in a mate. It takes many guys a lifetime to even SEE this, much less get help with the tape we all play in our heads subconsciously (the tape that says, "you're worthless" or "I'm toxic") to whatever that devil - called the subconscious - that hides within our brain tells us. We don't even know it's doing that, but if you were in an abusive relationship, you either witnessed this growing up (subtly, as in dad was unresponsive to your mother, or put her down, or hurt her). Rarely do we end up in an abusive relationship when the home environment was full of Love and Joy. Not fun to hear, but psychologically? That's the reality. What did you witness growing up? This is a safe environment, although you might need one-on-one counseling, but for now, use the forums for support. That's why they have a forum for "Coming out and Relationships."
As for the "sex-obsessed" part, it sounds like you're creating a stereotype when you really don't have enough experience in your own life to support such thoughts. I know many, many men who don't even want sex with someone who doesn't truly care about them, so clearly, wherever you're getting these ideas, they don't reflect the whole of gay culture. Don't go somewhere in your head that reality and enough experience doesn't confirm those ideas.
One thing that is important that so many people miss is this: the messages you got - particularly from your mother - lead to either being able to give/receive intimacy in a positive sense or not being able to receive it from others. So look at what you were told when you were young - VERY young (up to 5 or 6 years old) and see if you can recognize that your parents were warm or cold. If you had a mother who was withdrawn, distant or disapproving, this is what you will look for in a mate. It takes many guys a lifetime to even SEE this, much less get help with the tape we all play in our heads subconsciously (the tape that says, "you're worthless" or "I'm toxic") to whatever that devil - called the subconscious - that hides within our brain tells us. We don't even know it's doing that, but if you were in an abusive relationship, you either witnessed this growing up (subtly, as in dad was unresponsive to your mother, or put her down, or hurt her). Rarely do we end up in an abusive relationship when the home environment was full of Love and Joy. Not fun to hear, but psychologically? That's the reality. What did you witness growing up? This is a safe environment, although you might need one-on-one counseling, but for now, use the forums for support. That's why they have a forum for "Coming out and Relationships."
As for the "sex-obsessed" part, it sounds like you're creating a stereotype when you really don't have enough experience in your own life to support such thoughts. I know many, many men who don't even want sex with someone who doesn't truly care about them, so clearly, wherever you're getting these ideas, they don't reflect the whole of gay culture. Don't go somewhere in your head that reality and enough experience doesn't confirm those ideas.