Feeling let down by a friend

[Greendragon]

Hi guys

I wasn't sure if this was the right topic for a forum like this but there aren't many places on the internet where men can discuss these topics, and so I thought I'd post it here. It doesn't really have a gay angle, even though I am gay.

I'm wondering if I am right to be seriously annoyed at something my friend did.

Basically I'm coming up to a birthday soon (gonna be 30.... yike) and planning to celebrate it. I live in the UK and have lived in London for the last year, but right now I live in another city some distance away. However, because most of my friends live in London I'm having a party there. Usually I just head out for a celebratory drink on my birthday but because this is a big one, I've made some more effort and hired a room, arranged some food, my parents are coming down with me, etc.

With a couple of weeks to go I emailed everyone to let them know (I invited about 40-50 people). Some people have replied to say they can't make it, which is fine - some are abroad, some have family events with Christmas coming up, some have small kids etc. Of course, I can understand all that. One close friend of mine though has said he can't come and his reasons kind of annoy me. Basically he said ' A friend of XXX's (his girlfriend), who is staying at our place that night is having her birthday so I can't make it' and then invited me around for lunch the next day with some more of his friends.

Ok, people can get double-booked and so on, that's fine, but to be clear: this is a 'special' birthday for which I've gone to some effort, he's cutting it for someone who's not even really his friend, but his girlfriend's friend, and he lives only 20-30 minutes away by public transport. I think he could have made the effort and come for a token half hour at least. To round the picture off, this guy and I have been friends for over ten years. I have made a lot of effort when this guy has organised something and invited me - travelling for hours (overnight) to come down for the weekend last time he and his gf had a joint bday, spending quite a lot on a present for them, when his band broke up I travelled for hours to go to their last ever gig,etc. I didn't expect it would rile me this much but I feel let down and disappointed when he refused, like I'm not even worth making the effort for.

To be fair to him, he doesn't let me down like this often, he has helped me out with some things (he's storing some stuff in his flat for me for a couple of months before I move back to London soon) and he usually seems quite keen to meet up with me every so often. Still, I get the feeling that this guy will see me when its convenient for him, but not go to the effort when its a bit inconvenient. I remember him telling me recently how he was invited to two weddings on one day and had to dash from one to the other, and feel hurt he wouldn't do that for my birthday. I also think he's a bit 'under the thumb' of his gf.

I'm conscious this is a very long complaint and I don't want to come across as a whiny little bitch, so basically all I want to know is: am I justified in feeling upset at this, or should I just suck it up? If you think I have a point, what should I do about it - try to communicate what I think to him, and if so, what's the best way to do it? A slight complicating factor is that my stuff is still in his flat and I won't be living in that city again until the end of next month

Organising parties is stressful. So far about six people have said they're coming, about 8 or so have said they can't come, and haven't received replies from the rest. Ok, last year when I organised something at the last minute a lot of people showed up without replying, that's kind of what generation Facebook does - but still, it's stressful trying to organise a party while worrying if anyone will turn up or if there will be piles of uneaten food

Thanks for listening - some of you guys give good advice

 

[bw92116]

Put it out of your mind for now, have a blast of a birthday party with all of your other friends and family who love you and care about you enough to be there for your 30th. Then, when his birthday rolls around and he invites you to his party, say, "Sorry, can't make it, I have to change the air in my bicycle tires that day." Seriously. Revenge is so much better than forgiveness.

 

[Fireballs]

Put it out of your mind for now, have a blast of a birthday party with all of your other friends and family who love you and care about you enough to be there for your 30th. Then, when his birthday rolls around and he invites you to his party, say, "Sorry, can't make it, I have to change the air in my bicycle tires that day." Seriously. Revenge is so much better than forgiveness.

This is definitely the most mature way to handle it.

 

[Kabluey]

My advice - he probably is under the thumb and you're not going to win against the gf here.
Remember that with her on the scene his friends will come second, and that's normal.
Best not to take revenge but may as well not bend over backwards for him either in future.
And enjoy the party

 

[TX-Beau]

It's not really mature to "punish" him in some kind of revenge fantasy.

You are always entitled to your feelings, what you do about them is what defines the kind of person you are.

I'd probably feel just like you do, then suck it up. He is your friend but he's her guy, and well, as annoying as it may be sometimes, she is his first priority. That would be no different if the shoe was on the other foot.

If you feel this is a pattern where he's ignoring you and shutting you out and doesn't seem like he's your friend anymore - that is another thing entirely.

 

[Seasoned]

Hurt is a difficult emotion for most people so much so that it often flips to anger and then we think of how we can hurt the person who hurt us (revenge). The fact that you paused the process to talk about it speaks to your built in instinct to think before you act. Frankly it may also be the stuff he's storing because feuds are nothing more than revenge and counter revenge.

It's important when party planning to remember that an invitation is not a summons. The event trumps the turnout, otherwise you would have cleared the date with those who were most important ahead of choosing the date. That's not to say you can't feel a sense of disappointment, but, in the end, it's the no-shows who have missed out on something. Even when an important person says he'll be there something can come up at the last minute to prevent his attendance.

It seems you have a clear idea where you stand with him so learn not to expect more. If you're uncomfortable and don't think you'll be able to be in a good mood turn down his luncheon invite and wait until you can have some one on one time, but that might be hard to come by if his relationship doesn't allow for it.

 

[jft245]

I think you are blowing it out of proportion. I think his excuse is acceptable, and he invited you to lunch with him the next day, It is not like he just blew you off and is ignoring your special day. Cut him some slack.

 

[racer2438]

Be a mature guy and just let it go, it's not worth ruining ur party over little crap like this.

Life is too short, and so many things ahead in life for you. Just enjoy ur party and have fun with the people who are them celebrating it with you. Ur friend may have made a commetment b4 ur party and he may be keeping his word on that, u can't fault him for keeping his word. If he had given his word to u b4 and then changed it then u may have areason to be annoyed. So let it go and enjoy ur party.

 

[kevin23]

jft245 has the correct answer.

Your friend is obviously being influenced by his girl friend. He is trying to deal with it in the best way he knows how, by not upsetting the gf and by having lunch with you the next day. Sounds reasonable to me. So yeah, give him a break.

I think you are blowing it out of proportion. I think his excuse is acceptable, and he invited you to lunch with him the next day, It is not like he just blew you off and is ignoring your special day. Cut him some slack.

 

[bw92116]

Just drop him already. You don't need that crap in your life.

Some of the best parties I've ever given or been to had only 6 to 8 people!

 

[TX-Beau]

It’s an unfortunate fact of life that gay men with a lot of straight friends are going to go through this. It gets worse when they start marrying and having kids – you – the friend assume a position of lesser priority in their lives, and that’s quite natural. It happens to straight guy friends also.

Doesn’t mean you don’t miss those days when you were all a group together. But it’s going to happen sooner or later.

Then, when they start getting the divorces, you get to go through the cycle again. (grin)

 

[Greendragon]

Thanks everyone for your replies so far, just to come back on some of the things you said:

- TX-Beau, you're right, there is a 'distancing' process from friends when someone is in a serious relationship, I agree, and though it's a bit tough, I accept his girlfriend comes first. Ultimately though I'm not trying to compete with his gf - I'm not angry because he skipped my birthday to go for a Valentine's day meal or because it's their anniversary or something. He's skipping it for the party of one of her friends who isn't (as far as I'm aware) really one of his - and I've been his friend for over a decade.
Ultimately, is this all that friendship is and what we can expect from it - to get what's left over when all other demands have been satisfied? Is there nothing that we can legitimately expect from our friends, even when they're in a relationship and we're not?

- Seasoned, I do think you make a good point when you say that an invitation is not a summons, and that I didn't clear the date with everyone beforehand. There's not a real mystery about the date: I just picked the Saturday before my birthday. Ultimately it's not like what really bothers me is that he isn't coming - others have said they can't come with perfectly reasonable reasons why. It's that I don't think the reason he isn't coming should be more important than making the effort for (even) a token half hour.

About people suggesting I drop this guy: look, this is definitely not about revenge for me. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel bad, or lose the friendship. I'm more interested in making sure he realises that what he did upset me. I don't think friendships should be totally one-sided. Maybe he and I are not as close as I once thought we were, or on the other hand maybe he really just doesn't realise that this is important to me. But friends are important to me, and I don't like being made to feel I'm not - in any way - important to my friends.

Thanks also to the guys who think I shouldn't make a big deal of it - I don't want to cross any lines or go too far in my response to this.

At present I have decided I won't go to the lunch at his place next day, because I just wouldn't enjoy myself and I'd still feel resentful. So I'll focus on enjoying the party instead. After that I'm going back to my home town and will stay here for a couple of months, so I'm unlikely to have much contact with him over Christmas/New Year, until maybe the end of January. So I have to decide if I'm just going to work on getting over it myself and then pretend nothing was ever wrong when I see him next, or find some way or communicating to him - in a hopefully reasonable and not overwrought or guilttripping way - that what he did actually hurt me quite a lot.

Thanks for your posts and any more you choose to write.

 

[Delphi124]

I don't know what your friend's personality is like, but I personally hate big parties. The host is often the only person I know, and he or she is busy the whole time with other people. In your friend's position I would have done the same, especially if I already had other plans. He may well think you will have tons of people at your party and him coming or not doesn't mean much, and therefore invites you for lunch the next day. Once again, I don't know you, your friend, or your relationship with him, but if I was in the same situation as your friend, me declining the invitation would in NO way mean I didn't value you as a friend.

Reading this post was helpful to me, however. I now know that I should probably make an effort more to go even if I hate that sort of event... apparently not attending can be taken the wrong way, even leading to the end of friendships according to other posters.

 

[Seasoned]

You're a good guy who's about to have a great time. Happy birthday!

 

[palemale]

Don't sweat it. It seems as though you organized your party very late, and people had other commitments. Around the holidays, it's doubly risky to organize a get together late because people's calendars fill up fast. Just have a happy birthday.

 

[KaraBulut]

If your friend accepting the invitation to the other party first and he was attending as part of a couple, then it makes sense that he would have to attend the party with his girlfriend.

And of course, underlying this is the fact that as we get older priorities change and sometimes lovers get ranked higher than friends. However, this doesn't negate 10 years of friendship.

You've got a long history with friend. Accept his explanation. Accept his invitation to have lunch. Accept that friendships are long term commitments but that priorities change as people get older and begin to juggle friendships with spouses/family/work.

 

[aijalon18]

TxBeau, has it right on the money. Ive been learning this a lot lately now that I'm getting older. That's why I want to have more gay friends. At a certain point, most straight guys can no longer be the kind of friend to you, that you are to them.

Most women have this constant need to test if their relationship is the most important one in their man's life. I bet if he went to your party instead of hers, he wouldnt hear the end of it from her for months.