Feeling of being trapped...

[Stevieglw]

So, I've been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years now and a further 3 before that where it was a long distance thing. We get on really well, I enjoy his company, he's funny, intelligent, good looking and sexy. I feel like I should really have it all going for me.

For the majority of the time spent in our relationship, we have lived in separate apartments, and generally I would go visit with him at his place, usually over a weekend. Last year though, due to some housing difficulties on his side, he moved out of his place and in with me. I think we both thought that it would just be a short term thing for a few months while he sold his place and bought somewhere else. However, the housing market being what it is at present, his place still hasn't sold and it's coming up for a year now him living with me.

For the past few months I've started to feel completely trapped in my own space. I've suffered from mood swings and rattiness, felt that if I didn't get out of the apartment that my head was going to explode, I try to get out for walks to clear my head but it doesn't work. I've also started seeing other guys, not in a dating sense, just for sexual fun. I'm bored with our sex life as well it seems. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm cheating on my boyfriend, but it's the current state of my life.

Also, to really screw things up, my boyfriend recently lost his job as the firm he worked for went out of business, and for the first 6 weeks or so, he decided he was just going to take some time out and relax before looking for something else. Well, he's still looking, and spends mostly all his time in the apartment, watching TV and playing games on his computer. While I go out to work (2 jobs), every time I get home he's sitting there, or my flat mate is sitting there. I feel like I never have any space to myself.

My main 2 head space problems with the scenario seem to be with the living arrangements and the sex side of things. In my ideal (probably selfish) world, I would still like us to be together, but living in separate apartments, and I would like to be in an open relationship where I have a few fuck buddies on the side. Yeah, I'm probably being a selfish dick, I get that. But I feel that I cant broach either of those subjects in the current situation, as he has no job and nowhere to go, and if he wasn't into the idea of an open relationship, where do we go from there? Living together and him knowing that I want to be with other guys??

I think I've just lived too long in my own little independent world to be in the same space as someone else all the time, but at the same time I still love him. But at the same time, right now I resent him. That sounds really bad I know, and I feel awful for how I'm feeling towards him. Aaargh....

Any advice??

 

[HunterM]

You two are not compatible. You want open relationship. He does not. Break it off. Don't string him along.

 

[HunterM]

From what you have described, I don't see your "love" for him. Your boyfriend is a nuisance. Maybe your definition of love is very different than most people's...where love is sharing your life with someone you really love.

 

[Benvolio]

Sounds like you are working to support him. How hard is he really trying to find work? Is he contributing any money? I think you feelings and resentment are justified. No everyone wants to live in close quarters with someone else. I suggest you tell him you liked it better when you did not live together. Question about his attempts to get work. Don 't be strident or argumentative at this point but plant the idea that he is wearing out his welcome.

 

[-Kane-]

So you've known him for a total of 8yrs...? Five of which you were in a relationship....?

All of that time invested and you can't survive just a few months of being supportive?

Try Harder!

 

[Seasoned]

You need to be honest if you want to save your mental health. Were you cheating when you lived apart? If not, perhaps your hook ups are less about sex and more about escape.

 

[Stevieglw]

You need to be honest if you want to save your mental health. Were you cheating when you lived apart? If not, perhaps your hook ups are less about sex and more about escape.

No, I wasn't. I don't know, you could have a point. I'm rubbish at analysing these things.

 

[Stevieglw]

Sounds like you are working to support him. How hard is he really trying to find work? Is he contributing any money? I think you feelings and resentment are justified. No everyone wants to live in close quarters with someone else. I suggest you tell him you liked it better when you did not live together. Question about his attempts to get work. Don 't be strident or argumentative at this point but plant the idea that he is wearing out his welcome.

I'm not working to support him directly, as in I don't give him money, but he doesn't pay rent or help towards bills, as he's still paying for his own apartment and that's a struggle with no job. The thing is I don't want to make him think he's wearing out his welcome as he really doesn't have any other options, but it wasn't so bad when he was working, as I would have my day off where he would be working, and have some space to myself. I'm quite passive / aggressive so I've been told, and I really dont like confrontation, but will tend to be sulky and moody but not say what's up. I know it's not a good trait, but frustration really kicks in and makes me feel a bit lost as to how to resolve things.

 

[aaggii]

I stopped at "not proud of cheating him". Talk with him about everything and make your wishes, all of them, known: the apartment, the open relationship that you want, everything.

 

[tangential]

When you said you are feeling resentful of your boyfriend, I think you hit the nail on the head. And to be perfectly honest, if I were you and if I didn't vent/confront/make myself heard, I'd be a resentful mess too. Sounds like your resentment is leading to stress and is possibly leading you to globalize problems (e.g. space, boring sex life).

Five years is a good run. In most instances, it would suggest you have something significant and worth repairing/strengthening. First, think about what you want. You say you love him; does this mean you are still invested in this relationship or that you just don't want to hurt him? (Something you are making it very hard on yourself to avoid doing.) Second, if you feel confident you want to keep in it, then get your head in the game and call him out on his shit. Make yourself heard. That's not his fault if you don't speak your mind. Third, quit fucking around until you two are sorted. Opening the relationship sounds like a separate issue, and in this context, your cheating might just be a mix of tension release and passive agression. See where you stand when you are in a better place together. Plenty of LTRs, gay or straight, survive when partners are generous and forgiving with one another--the keys are transparency and respect; tons of relationships bottom out when partners fool one another and themselves about their boundaries or wait for one another to figure out what the other is thinking.

Good luck, and try not to beat yourself up too much. There are worse things in this world than physical infidelity, for example the next steps you'll take and how you take them.

 

[Stevieglw]

I think I still want to be with him, but just back to the way it was, not living together. I don't know. I'm a horrible mixed up mess at the moment and thinking logically is not coming easily. The last time that I needed to sit down and have 'a talk' with a partner ended up in a divorce. I don't think I like having 'the talk'....

But yes, i understand that in reality I will need to do it to get any kind of resolution.

 

[Stevieglw]

We had a sort of chat last night where I told him I felt trapped and don't really want to live with anyone. He feels that means that the relationship is kinda heading in the wrong direction and I get his point. That's as far as the conversation has gone so far...

 

[Seasoned]

I sound like a broken record on this topic but couple's counseling can work wonders.

 

[maxpowr9]

LOL That sounds exactly like my ex and me. I left my old apartment on short notice and moved into his condo outside the city at the beginning of this year. From the get go there was problems with negotiating space. Then around March I got a bout of depression because I moved away from my friends (15 miles can seem like living in another state when you are not near public transport). The breaking point was when I "quit" my job in June and I basically became unemployed. Around that time, I started to sleep in the other bedroom away from him and at the end of June, my then BF came home from work and flipped at me due to stress and I just basically said "it's over".

Couple's counseling like Seasoned suggests can sometimes work but in your case, I would just break it off. There is really nothing to salvage in this relationship and just chalk it up to experience.