feeling rather hopeless

[alexm54444]

howdy y'all. i just came here to vent, and to hopefully get some advice from you all.

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 8 months now. we've had a great time with each other and now it's getting to the point where we're getting serious about our relationship. we've had our fair share of fights and ups and downs but have always been able to work through them. a few months ago, we got into a fight when i found out he'd been on manroulette. it really hurt my feelings and he told me he wouldn't do it again. flash forward to this past week, when i was checking my email on his computer. he wouldn't leave the room, and was acting super weird. in the corner of his screen, his skype kept going off and notifications for people who i've never heard of before kept showing that they wanted to talk to him.

he told me not to click on it but i did anyway, and low and behold, he had a buddy list of like 20 different guys that he's been jacking off with on a week to week basis.

i was obviously hurt, crying, upset, whatever. i broke up with him on the spot but then took that back when i realized i didn't want to be alone and i didn't want to let go of him- seeing as how i want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this kid. i asked him if he ever emailed his nudes to anyone, and he said absolutely not. i got back on his computer to continue with my emails, when i saw an unfamiliar email account was up in his top sites. nosey me decided to click on it, and, low and behold, he's also been emailing random dudes his naked pictures throughout our relationship too. all of this has just left me feeling very sad and depressed. i want to be with him so much, but i feel like if i had any self respect, i would break ties immediately. he kept telling me that i was one of the best things that's happened to him in a long time and that he wouldn't know what to do without me.

what should i do?

 

[gambit22121]

He's now lied to you multiple times and you're wondering what to do? Don't be afraid of breaking up with him just because you'd be alone. It's better to be alone than to be hurt and wondering when the other shoe was going to drop.

 

[alexm54444]

but even throughout the lies, i still somehow love this kid. i really really love him and i know he loves me back tooo?

 

[alexm54444]

and the thing is, is that i get it. i get why he did what he did - we're all horny and think with our dicks sometimes on accident and mistakes happen. it's the fact that he lied about it for so long and was so good at hiding it that makes me question why the fuck i'm still with him.

 

[moschj]

"Danger Will Robinson, Danger!"
Move on my friend, as much as it hurts now, it will only hurt more later if you do not end it now!!!

 

[Seasoned]

There is no such thing as a perfect person. We all have our issues. The thing is this: if he wants to stop but can't he may be facing addiction issues, which means you are facing co-dependency issues.

If it's possible to work through them in the context of the relationship I say go for it. Otherwise, you are predisposed to finding the same type of guy over and over. Perhaps he won't have sexual issues, but there will be something, alcohol, gambling, shopping, workaholism, something getting in the way.

If any of those issues appeared in your family you were set up to find guys with issues. It's also something you work on independently from a partner. PM me anytime.

 

[Benvolio]

I doubt if he will ever be monogamous. You can either accept him the way he is, or leave, or perhaps adopt an open relationship-- more like roommates with benefits. Are you interested in finding other friends? If you were playing around it would not hurt so much.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Alex, the best situation would be to break up with him. He has lied to you multiple times and clearly has a sexual addiction to cybering (which is a form of physical cheating) with multiple men. The final nail on the coffin was when you asked him about the nude photos, and he lied to you about never sending any ("absolutely not"). It's clear to you that he is a habitual liar and incapable of telling the truth under pressure, even when he's caught. You will not be able to trust this individual for the remainder of knowing him. Since you are still so caught up emotionally with him, I would recommend a full break-up. Cut off all contact with him with the option of maybe being friends after several months of no contact.

You'll need time to heal and I'm sorry you went through this.

 

[alexm54444]

wehhhh every single person i've consoled to, including my friends in real life, agree that things are fucked. is it so terrible to try things with this guy again, or is that setting myself up for failure? i really don't want to end it with him and i know he doesn't want to end it with me, we've just hit a bump in our relationship that could heal i think.

 

[Benvolio]

As i suggested, perhaps try an open relationship. Do sme exploring your self while remaining room mates with benefits.

 

[Just_Believe18]

No, this is not going to heal, alex. This guy has a problem, and he's lied to you multiple times about it. He didn't make a one-time mistake. He's made several without conscious thought to your feelings or respecting the integrity of your relationship. If you give him another chance, you will keep giving him chances. The only thing that is going to get better, is his ability to conceal secrets from you. Remember, you've only been dating for 8 months now. Imagine how things could change a year from now, two years from now, ten years from now. This is all happening after only just 8 months of dating this guy. Dump him.

 

[alexm54444]

No, this is not going to heal, alex. This guy has a problem, and he's lied to you multiple times about it. He didn't make a one-time mistake. He's made several without conscious thought to your feelings or respecting the integrity of your relationship. If you give him another chance, you will keep giving him chances. The only thing that is going to get better, is his ability to conceal secrets from you. Remember, you've only been dating for 8 months now. Imagine how things could change a year from now, two years from now, ten years from now. This is all happening after only just 8 months of dating this guy. Dump him.

but i don't wannaaaa i want to believe in him and hold him and love him foreverrr

 

[TX-Beau]

well if you know you're going to stay with him, why bother asking us?

Okay. Before the lynching, let me ask you a few questions, how old is he, how old are you?

You can certainly stay with him, that your choice, so what are you getting out of this that you would consider it?

Do you really consider this such a violation, what is it that's really bothering you? Because you don't seem to be all that devastated.

What are you willing to put up with to stay with him? Why?

 

[alexm54444]

well if you know you're going to stay with him, why bother asking us?

Okay. Before the lynching, let me ask you a few questions, how old is he, how old are you?

You can certainly stay with him, that your choice, so what are you getting out of this that you would consider it?

Do you really consider this such a violation, what is it that's really bothering you? Because you don't seem to be all that devastated.

What are you willing to put up with to stay with him? Why?

i'm 20, he's 21. we're young i know.

i guess what i'm getting out of this relationship is a good time. i don't want to think of whether or not we'll be together in 10 years from now or not, but the thought of him being around in wintertime when it's nice to get all snuggly brings a certain level of comfort to me. also, knowing i've been sleeping with a single person this whole time also makes me feel good about myself seeing as how we were both complete sluts before meeting each other. i trust him when he says he hasn't cheated on me.

i guess i don't consider it that bad. since it happened, i've been talking (teasing) to guys on grindr and i guess i do get a kick out of it. i guess i can see why my boy would get a kick out of fapping with guys on the internet and sending his nudes. i mean he's (we're both) pretty attractive people and i could see why he would get attention from other dudes and how that attention might make him feel good about himself. however, when i first saw it, i was quite devastated. the fight we got in was terrible. but it's been almost a week now, and things are getting better i suppose.

i really don't care if he wants to do shit on the internet for fun. i'm willing to put up with that. it's the fact that i don't know if he's lying to me or not that makes me uneasy. i'm not willing to put up with lying because that's extremely shitty.

 

[alexm54444]

as a side note, we got coffee today and talked about things. he said he didn't care that i've been talking to guys on grindr, but that he'd probably feel a little bit hurt if i ever cheated on him. but he said if i cheated on him, that he would understand and try to work though it. i don't know whether all of that is a good thing or a bad thing.

 

[TX-Beau]

okay, so what you had was some relationship drama based on faulty communication.

You need to sit down with him, and define this relationship in terms of fun, and not in terms of happily ever after. You can renegotiate later if you decide you want to. Until then make it easy for him to be honest with you. Don't jump down his throat unless it's really important to you, And if jacking off with guys on the Internet isn't a huge thing for you then don't treat it like a huge thing. The dishonesty was the huge thing, and this isn't meant to defend his behavior, but you had already freaked out before, and being young and stupid he probably didn't want to deal with anymore drama. So he made a bad choice and lied about it.

That's what I mean about making it easy for your partner to be honest with you. Having drama does not encourage honesty. Calm discussion where you are not blaming (even if he is in the wrong) but you are communicating will help keep your relationship from becoming mired in secrets nobody wants to talk about for fear of a purse fight.

 

[bankside]

I'm a big believe that if young people without much experience in relationships fall in love and it doesn't work out then it's not a disaster. Live and learn. But it still sucks. And I also don't believe in starting relationships with an expiry date, even for young people. It's not about just having fun and moving on to the next guy. People are too important to each other to live that way.

So you don't have to be able to picture every one of the next 60 years with someone in order to have a relationship, but you do need to be able to see, right from the beginning, that there are no obvious permanent road blocks.

Not every second of his sexual attention or his sexual awareness needs to be devoted to you, butt sounds like this guy's sexual attention is out of focus, and it needs to be focussed on you to have a relationship.

It's not that he notices other guys, or jerks off to their pictures. Live chat would be crossing a line for me, but not for everybody. There is no automatic answer where to draw that line. Each couple can figure that out. But whatever either of you do when you're not in the same room, you each have to be able to answer the question "How is this going to turn him on?" And he knows that he turns you off when he cruises web sites. The fact that it doesn't seem to matter to him - that it's a pattern he doesn't feel like changing - is a big problem.

If he tells you through his actions that he doesn't want to focus on you the way you need, believe him. And let him go.

Absolutely don't cling to him "because you don't want to be alone" or anything like that. Remember, you're not dating the perfect mental image of him you make in your mind. You're dating the real him as seen by his actions.

 

[elephunk]

dude,

i think it's fucked up that he was skyping other people to begin with if you're in a monogamous relationship. i'm caught my ex-bf on grindr and BITCHED at him for it. he never went on it again.

but this kid LIED to you about it. i know you love him, trust.... the ex I just mentioned, I still have feelings for him, too. But it was NOT a good relationship. And honestly, I'm cute and have an awesome personality, so I'll be fine. I'm positive the same is for you.

good luck, bro.

 

[TX-Beau]

dude,

i think it's fucked up that he was skyping other people to begin with if you're in a monogamous relationship. i'm caught my ex-bf on grindr and BITCHED at him for it. he never went on it again...

That you know of. The problem with that kind of thing is that you set yourself up for dishonesty.

 

[elephunk]

That you know of. The problem with that kind of thing is that you set yourself up for dishonesty.

Perhaps. I did make a phony account and tried to keep tabs on him and he didn't go on it as far as I know. Sounds crazy... I shouldn't have had to do it but I wanted to the relationship to work despite that lack of trust. Again, crazy. But I guess I'll never know.