Feeling so alone...

[airtw0004]

First, thank you for taking the time to read this rant/vent. I'm at a loss for people to talk to right now, so I feel at least typing this out will make me feel better...

Lately, I've been feeling increasingly alone and isolated from my fellow classmates (I'm in medical school, so I see the same people everyday). At the beginning of the year I had some great friends in my class whom I would hang out and study with. But a couple of months into the year it seemed as though one of my friends (and her friends, still all classmates of mine) would always host events and all of these included alcohol/getting drunk. I went to one of those events and it was just not fun for me. For personal reasons, I do not drink alcohol so it was quite awkward for me to be the only sober one in the get-together and I don't care for some of my classmates that show up to these events. After I kept declining to go to these events, I now have completely stopped getting asked. My friends say they respect my choice and will remain friends, but I can feel we are growing apart.

While I do realize it is my own fault for not wanting to attend these social gatherings, it's disheartening for me to only have social interaction when I attend class. I just wish people were up for doing other things other than getting drunk. We have exams pretty much every week, but on the occasional free weekend/test-free week, most of my classmates devote this to drinking or spending time with families(I can understand, I suppose, we are under lots of stress constantly and people feel that is their choice to relax).

I have simply resorted to bugging my undergrad friends through gchat/phone calls but they all have jobs/school so I can't disturb them all the time. I feel I haven't found relationships with people in med school that are on the same level as my friends from undergrad.

It is also equally hard to always to be the 'single' person at most events--class/social-event wise. Almost everyone in my class is married/in long-term relationships--everyone is always bringing their SO to events. Everytime, I just feel more alone inside as I haven't even dated anyone and here are these couples with families and kids. I was out in undergrad, but since I go to med school in a conservative state in the South, I'm pretty much in the closet again. I did tell my 'close' friends in my class and I have heard that some other classmates have been asking them about my sexuality, although they have been denying per my request. I'm not exactly a flaming queen, but I'm not the most staight-appearing as well, if you know what I mean. I choose not to be out because the medical profession is fairly conservative and I don't want there to be any sort of altercations to complicate my life any further.

So I guess in the end, maybe I feel like if I got into a relationship it would help cure me of my lonliness and take my mind off of med school. What kind of tips would y'all have for a guy like me to find a date? It was very disheartening for me during undergrad to come out and literally have 0, yes ZERO, interest from other guys. I'm definitely not a troll and I pride myself in how I present myself (ie-clothes/grooming wise). I have been told by some of my friends that maybe I appear unfriendly/stuck-up/intimidating for people to approach me. I don't know if this is true, but I feel that gay men aren't attracted to super-career-oriented/intelligent people. I'm also not into the bar and club scene which could be why I haven't dated anyone, but I don't feel like the people I would meet at those type of places would be the type of SO I would be looking for anyways.

Ugh...anyways, thanks for reading through my rant, feel free to give me any advice or just tell me that the life I have chosen means I will be alone forever... I think I'm too old and getting too emotionally drained from trying to believe that my love/social life is going to improve at all from here on out. You would think that someone like me who has their career so planned out would have their love life together as well. For me, I'm starting to feel that getting a BF will be harder than it was for me to get into med school......

Well, I definitely feel better after typing that up and now can get back to studying for my two tests next week. At least there's only 5 more weeks until my summer vacation.

 

[Fuzzy1]

I understand you not wanting to drink and can relate to that, I don't drink either and know what it's like to have most of the other people around you drinking or drunk, not fun.... Have you thought of going to cafes, call the local gay hotline and find out if there are sporting organizations or other interest groups, have you checked out any male nurses, lol, ( I was a male nurse for many years)... I'm older and not into the bar scene at all and I find there are lots of guys that don't drink going to cafes all over. You might try some online contact sights, make your preferances clear and see what happens. Just some friendly suggestions.

 

[Seasoned]

If your issue is alcoholism stay away from those parties. If it's a matter of not liking to be around drunks, make yourself a virgin mary or a coke on the rocks with a lime to look like a rum and coke.

No matter what state you are studying in your school's graduates will treat LBGTQ populations. It is time to advocate for a curriculum that produces gay friendly doctors. It is also time to begin some online gay MD support.

What are planning to do with your vacation?

 

[LoveIsNow]

I don't care for drink that much myself, though I don't totally abstain, so I know how boring it can be to be around drunk people, but that's not the only way to socialize, and I can't see how that would be a problem.

It seems more to me that your friends might be right about the way you present yourself. Firstly, when you describe the pride you take in your appearance in way of grooming and clothes, it gives me the image that you've probably had the same hairstyle for several years, groom it perfectly every morning, and freak out if it gets rained on, and that you buy your clothes from an expensive nationwide retailer and wear them in uninspired, mannequin-esque combinations. When you adopt a look like that, you make yourself look rigid and stuck up.

Secondly, when you describe yourself as super-career-oriented/intelligent, you sound conceited, bourgeois, and aloof. That you use it as a self-description makes people assume that this is an internalization: basically, that you really are conceited, bourgeois, and aloof. It makes it sound like you think everyone else is shiftless and stupid. As for intellect, there are many different types of intelligence and you must appreciate those which you find in others if you want to have a successful relationship rather than using academia as a gold standard. (Even within academia, different types of intelligence are valued: I can assure you that there are a number of very well-respected philosophers who would think a life working for the modern healthcare industry ill-spent).

As for your career, career-oriented can often mean career-obsessed: "if I just get this great job and earn a lot of money, then I'll be happy". You can easily forget that the best things in life really are free. When was the last time you went out and threw a frisbee around, or danced, or sang at the top of your lungs? If you allow yourself to relax and cut lose, you'll seem a lot more attractive. "Cutting lose" doesn't have to involve drugs; it can just be incorporating a little playfulness into your everyday life, and devoting a little of your time to senseless fun on a regular basis.

I'm sorry if any of this was insulting or harsh, but I'm trying to give an honest evaluation from what I read. If I'm wrong, please feel free to tell me so in as stringent terms as you need to.

 

[Augustus2]

dont give up on happiness or relationships; expand your social options: might be tough at times with the demands of school, but try visiting(hanging out) some places that do interest you

 

[Augustus2]

dont give up on happiness or relationships. try getting out and visiting places/events that interest you; by doing so, you may find friends or better.

 

[airtw0004]

I don't care for drink that much myself, though I don't totally abstain, so I know how boring it can be to be around drunk people, but that's not the only way to socialize, and I can't see how that would be a problem.

Well as I mentioned, we have very limited free time and most of that free time my friends usually are spending it at a social event that involves heavy drinking or with their families. I made a promise to myself not to ever drink alcohol again when someone I knew during undergrad died from alcohol poisoning. I have lots of anxiety even when I am around other people drinking because of that event.

It seems more to me that your friends might be right about the way you present yourself. Firstly, when you describe the pride you take in your appearance in way of grooming and clothes, it gives me the image that you've probably had the same hairstyle for several years, groom it perfectly every morning, and freak out if it gets rained on, and that you buy your clothes from an expensive nationwide retailer and wear them in uninspired, mannequin-esque combinations. When you adopt a look like that, you make yourself look rigid and stuck up.

I am actually a very adventurous dresser. I try to stay fashion forward. And no, i don't fix my hair at all in the morning, I wake up and it's good to go. I will say I definitely use clothing as a way to express my creativity and people would definitely say that my clothes are probably more outgoing/adventurous than I am...haha...But in all actuality, I very much need my clothing to feel like I can face the world. I was the fat, nerdy kid in middle school that people made fun of and I hated myself for it. I used fashion as a way to give me more self confidence. I used to convince myself that if I could distract people with my clothes, they wouldn't notice how unattractive that I was. As a grew older, I lost the weight and became more 'attractive', but I still feel like I need to be fashionable otherwise I feel like my old self. I hope you understand what I mean. I don't try to dress for other people, I do it for myself...so I don't purposely try to appear stuck up.

Secondly, when you describe yourself as super-career-oriented/intelligent, you sound conceited, bourgeois, and aloof. That you use it as a self-description makes people assume that this is an internalization: basically, that you really are conceited, bourgeois, and aloof. It makes it sound like you think everyone else is shiftless and stupid. As for intellect, there are many different types of intelligence and you must appreciate those which you find in others if you want to have a successful relationship rather than using academia as a gold standard. (Even within academia, different types of intelligence are valued: I can assure you that there are a number of very well-respected philosophers who would think a life working for the modern healthcare industry ill-spent).

To be honest, all I've known my whole life is competition. I've worked hard to reach the place I'm at in life right now. Being bourgeois, I believe, is inevitable within any socio-economic class/society. Do I feel that I am better than certain people? Sure, but I'm sure you do to. However, I am using what I have been given in my life to help others. After spending time working in a regional clinic in rural africa, I believe it is my duty to help those less fortunate than me.

My point of mentioning super-career-oriented/intelligent was simply trying to demonstrate that an 'academic' isn't highly desirable in the gay community...I wasn't insinuating anything about anyone else. I do agree that I am aloof. Having been rejected by family, insulted a plethora of people, I've learned to become very stoic.

As for your career, career-oriented can often mean career-obsessed: "if I just get this great job and earn a lot of money, then I'll be happy". You can easily forget that the best things in life really are free. When was the last time you went out and threw a frisbee around, or danced, or sang at the top of your lungs? If you allow yourself to relax and cut lose, you'll seem a lot more attractive. "Cutting lose" doesn't have to involve drugs; it can just be incorporating a little playfulness into your everyday life, and devoting a little of your time to senseless fun on a regular basis.

Yeah, I definitely wished I could be more relaxed, but how I do in school/boards determines my fate as a future physician. I've just always been kind of uptight, there's no way for me to give up control, I'm very type A.

I'm sorry if any of this was insulting or harsh, but I'm trying to give an honest evaluation from what I read. If I'm wrong, please feel free to tell me so in as stringent terms as you need to.

Thank you for your honesty. I definitely have been trying to change some of these aspects about myself, but I have them so engrained in me that I just don't even know how to approach it. At the end of the day, I want someone who can love me for me and perhaps help me work on myself. I guess for me, I'm slightly bitter that with all my life experiences it still doesn't measure up to the ripped, hot guy.

Soreknees: I'm taking a vacation to a couple countries in Asia.

 

[Seasoned]

Have a great time. You deserve it!

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

If your issue is alcoholism stay away from those parties. If it's a matter of not liking to be around drunks, make yourself a virgin mary or a coke on the rocks with a lime to look like a rum and coke.

No matter what state you are studying in your school's graduates will treat LBGTQ populations. It is time to advocate for a curriculum that produces gay friendly doctors. It is also time to begin some online gay MD support.

What are planning to do with your vacation?

Wow. Couldn't agree more. I have an 'out' gay MD that is quite frankly, my hero. You can't believe how good it is to have a gay MD, where no subject is taboo. I don't have much to share about how to overcome your loneliness and need for friendship - it's a bitch for most of us - but I will tell you that you can be a hero to the LBGTQ community. I wished to hell that soreknees suggestion about an online gay MD support group will happen in the near future. We need you happy in love so you will stay the course in pursuing your MD.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Check out this site.
http://www.meetup.com/

 

[rjmrjm21]

If everyone is telling you it's you, then, it probably is just you. I don't know if it's a good idea to be gay in the Deep South. I would assume that screams ISOLATION. Your only options for a social life in your current area are to alter your standards or lighten up and get with the program. Good luck.

 

[strosbuff88]

If everyone is telling you it's you, then, it probably is just you. I don't know if it's a good idea to be gay in the Deep South. I would assume that screams ISOLATION. Your only options for a social life in your current area are to alter your standards or lighten up and get with the program. Good luck.

"ISOLATION" you say? I could not imagine!

 

[airtw0004]

Wow, I didn't realize that there was such a need for LGBTQ-friendly physicians. I just assumed that most were supposed to be educated and impartial to all patients. We do have classes on how to deal with different types of patients (inclusive of race/cultural/socio-economic status) but I do agree that our education on LGBTQ patients was about 30 mins...haha. We mainly focus on how to deal with geriatric as well as low socio-economic status patients.

Have y'all ever felt that the doctor did not care about you because you were gay? Or were y'all ever discriminated against?

 

[altlover85]

I don't think a relationship is the solution to your problems. In fact, I don't think a relationship would be a good idea because it sounds like you don't have enough time to commit to someone else.

Instead I would definitely look into www.meetup.com and perhaps do the things you like to do and see if you can meet people there. Perhaps you could go to a lecture or a play or whatever and see if you could make some friends there.

I do have some questions for you though.

You say you were out during undergrad, so why did you choose to go to a school in the south that would put you back into the closet? Were there no other schools that had whatever speciality you wanted located in more gay friendly areas?

Are you assuming that where you are is not gay friendly or do you know that for a fact?

I hope you don't think I'm belittling you with my questions. I'm simply trying to understand you and your situation better.

I guess for me, I'm slightly bitter that with all my life experiences it still doesn't measure up to the ripped, hot guy. [/COLOR]

Where are you looking for guys?

Good luck with your exams!

 

[airtw0004]

^I was out in undergrad because I was on the other side of the country away from my parents (my parents don't actually know...)

Secondly, I'm back in the closet again is because I don't want it getting back to my parents. There are alot of people in my class that are from my home town or went to undergrad there and know people I went to high school with that know my parents, etc, etc. It's just not something I want to deal with at the moment...

I'm originally from the state that I go to school now because of the price. My parents paid for my undergrad (~$40,000/year) and the price I get for med school in my home state + scholarship was ~$10,000/year. If you knew about medical school tuition, you would know that that is insanely cheap. One of the other schools I was considering was ~$56,000/year. I think most schools are >$40,000/year at least. Basically, I was attending this school based on the least amount of my parents would have to pay/amount I would have to take out in loans. As you know, with all the reform in healthcare, primary care doctors (which I'm probably going to end up doing) are probably going to make teeny amounts of money for the huge amounts of patients they have to see. I've worked many doctors and they say that they have to see 24-30 patients a day just to make a profit, but they all agree that seeing too many patients is not beneficial for doctors or patients.

Lastly, to reply to your question about where I am looking for guys...I guess I don't really look that much. Tried the whole club/bar thing, but I guess I'm shy... But like I said previously, those aren't exactly the type of people I would like anyways...so that's why I am kind of at a loss for where to meet people. Is it sad that I've been hit on by girls but no guys?

 

[altlover85]

^I was out in undergrad because I was on the other side of the country away from my parents (my parents don't actually know...)

Secondly, I'm back in the closet again is because I don't want it getting back to my parents. There are alot of people in my class that are from my home town or went to undergrad there and know people I went to high school with that know my parents, etc, etc. It's just not something I want to deal with at the moment...

I'm originally from the state that I go to school now because of the price. My parents paid for my undergrad (~$40,000/year) and the price I get for med school in my home state + scholarship was ~$10,000/year. If you knew about medical school tuition, you would know that that is insanely cheap. One of the other schools I was considering was ~$56,000/year. I think most schools are >$40,000/year at least. Basically, I was attending this school based on the least amount of my parents would have to pay/amount I would have to take out in loans. As you know, with all the reform in healthcare, primary care doctors (which I'm probably going to end up doing) are probably going to make teeny amounts of money for the huge amounts of patients they have to see. I've worked many doctors and they say that they have to see 24-30 patients a day just to make a profit, but they all agree that seeing too many patients is not beneficial for doctors or patients.

Lastly, to reply to your question about where I am looking for guys...I guess I don't really look that much. Tried the whole club/bar thing, but I guess I'm shy... But like I said previously, those aren't exactly the type of people I would like anyways...so that's why I am kind of at a loss for where to meet people. Is it sad that I've been hit on by girls but no guys?

So your parents are paying for med school too?

If they are paying for your schooling at the expense of you not being out, you are choosing to have the burden of the closet, instead of the financial burden of loans. Is it really worth it?

I can sort of understand where you are coming from in terms of having your parents support you, but if I'd had to stay in the closet in order to have my parents financial support I don't know what I would have done.

As far as meeting guys, I honestly think it's better that you don't look for guys if you are going to be in the closet. Is it really fair for a guy to have to hide his love for you because you choose to put yourself back into the closet?

Focus on making gay friendly friends instead. I think that will do you a world of good. You'll have a support net if things go south with your parents upon graduation.

How old are you, by the way?

 

[airtw0004]

^Yes, my parents are paying for me. That includes tuition, living expenses, spending money, car, etc. (I don't have time to work and go to school at the same time).

Believe me, I would like to be totally open in my life, but trust me when I say it's way more complicated than just becoming financially independent of my parents.

Sure, I do agree it probably wouldn't be fair to a guy to hide his love, but why would he have to?

Now where would I go find some gay friends?...haha...

I'm young-ish (ie. almost mid 20s)

 

[altlover85]

^Yes, my parents are paying for me. That includes tuition, living expenses, spending money, car, etc. (I don't have time to work and go to school at the same time).

Believe me, I would like to be totally open in my life, but trust me when I say it's way more complicated than just becoming financially independent of my parents.

Sure, I do agree it probably wouldn't be fair to a guy to hide his love, but why would he have to?

Now where would I go find some gay friends?...haha...

I'm young-ish (ie. almost mid 20s)

I'll take your word for it that things are more complicated than we know.

I bolded your question because generally being closeted means you have to hide your relationship from the public.

How are you planning to be open about your love for a potential boyfriend while also being closeted at the same time?

The two ideas seem to be in opposition to one another for the most part.

As to where you would find gay friends, meetup is a good idea. Do you live near any big cities? Could you get to one?

 

[airtw0004]

^You can be open about your love to a potential BF, but just not in public. I don't exactly see same-sex couples holding hand/making out/etc in my area, if you know what I mean.

This is kind of a funny aside to the topic...so one of my study buddies, whom I used to study 4-5 days a week with (I don't study with him anymore as he is dating a classmate of ours and I can't stand studying with the both of them because they are all over each other all the time) broke up with his long-term, live-in GF of 5 years. When this happened, my friend told me that she accused him of having a gay affair with ME. I seriously almost died from laughter. Right, the best place to have an affair is in the library...haha

Anyways, I looked on that meetup website...is it me or are most of the people attending those events quite a bit older than me...wouldn't that be kinda awkward?

 

[altlover85]

^You can be open about your love to a potential BF, but just not in public. I don't exactly see same-sex couples holding hand/making out/etc in my area, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, I looked on that meetup website...is it me or are most of the people attending those events quite a bit older than me...wouldn't that be kinda awkward?

I'm not even really talking about PDA. I'm simply talking about saying "this is my boyfriend Joe" or making it clear through your actions that you are more than just friends by saying affectionate things towards one another and acting basically the same when you are with friends as you would when you are in private. Maybe you don't use pet names, but you don't suddenly treat your potential boyfriend like he's just a friend just because you are in public.

I hope I've been clear in the above paragraph. It's getting late here.

As far as meetup goes, I never really got that feeling because the groups around where I live are for all different age groups. There are some 20's only groups locally. I also have no problem hanging out with people who are of different ages.