Feeling so distant from my boy....

[BiGuy8705]

Ok, so I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks. He's completely amazing, and we're extremely compatible. He goes to school an hour and a half from where I live, we've been seeing eachother every weekend for a little while now, whether I go there or he comes here. In the fall, I will be moving in with him and going to school there. (I actually love the school also and everything about the situation). We're both very excited about this to say the least!!

The thing is, during the week I feel so distant. I'm sure that's normal for relationships with any distance involved... but we don't really talk too often during the week, and I don't like that. We're both very closeted, and I know it's often hard for him to talk on the phone because he's always around his friends (all of which are girls) so I try to get ahold of him more on AIM and text message... but I always feel like I'm the one initiating the conversation, and the whole thing just feels all too distant during the week. Sometimes he'll randomly text me, and sadly enough just that makes my day!!

Then... we spend the weekend together, it's completely amazing, and the whole cycle repeats. I know he's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, and I completely trust him, I'd just like to communicate more so I don't feel so far.....
I've kind of mentioned before how much it sucks to be so far away... and his reply was that he feels the same way, but that we have to go through this so we can be together in the fall, and it will be here before we know it... which was the right answer.

This weekend I'm definately going to talk to him about it, but not sure the best way to go about this... should I just tell him that this was starting to bothering me? Or should I go the route "you know, when you txt or call me throughout the week it makes my day, you should do it more!" When something little was bothering me a while ago he said "you know, it's always better to talk about whats on our minds", so he's definately not opposed to talking about things, despite the lack of communication during the week.

THANKS!!

edit: Random, but I had Chinese for lunch, and my fortune cookie as I was typing this read "Good things will come to you in due course of time", hope its right, lmao

 

[albar05]

Oh Wow....... your story sounds so much like my life right now!!! lol

Well apart from the fact i am not in school ....

My b/f and i have been together 11/2yrs and he live in London and i live near gatwick about 40mins away by train , we only see each other on the w/e , alternate in london and gatwick ... but during the week i MISSS him SOOOOO much its killing me!!

We do email and text during the day every day , and every night we web cam and chat etc , but its just not the same as having him here with me or me being there!

He too is very " ok " with the situation and unlike me , who is always complaining about the distance and missing him sooooooo miuch, he takes it in this stride!

I HATE this and unlike you , I do not have the wonderful thought of it changeing anytime soon....

I am stuck in Gatwick , due to mortage, and family and he will NEVER move to gatwick , he loves London to much... so for now i have to grin and bear it ! which sucks!! When we are 2gether on the w/e , it feels so amazingly awesome , i can not even put it into words!!

I would talk to your b/f , tell him how you feel , tell him your not saying anything bad, but its better to get reassurance from him and support then sit there and be sad about it...

I often have a good chat with my b/f just to keep me sane! and he is very supportive and always reasssures me that " one" day things will change and we will eventually be together in the same home, but for now , situations are that we be apart during the week ...

I hope your are able to hang in there and be positive , atleast you have something to look forward too..

Good luck and remember , keep smileing ! :O)

 

[dj415]

RELAX! Try and quiet that inner voice. Easy to say -- hard to do.

It seems to me that things are going very well for you. Be happy. Good things will come to you.

Or should I go the route "you know, when you txt or call me throughout the week it makes my day, you should do it more!"

My advise on this would be to say, "you know, when you txt or call me throughout the week it makes my day" and stop right there. The rest could be construed as nagging and may make him feel guilty if he doesn't do as you wish.

Best of luck and enjoy what you've got!

 

[BiGuy8705]

Sounds like some solid advice, thanks a lot guys. Seems like I just have to hang in there and wait for things to get even better...

Another way I can approach it is just casually mention how "sometimes when I txt u throughout the week you aren't very talkative, I'm not bothering you am I?" or something to that effect... think that would work? Then I could say how when he calls or texts me it makes my day, etc.

 

[EricCage]

I agree totally with dj415! There are many who are not fortunate enough to have what you've got! Just make the most of the weekends!

 

[dj415]

My advise... shit. If I can't even get my words right maybe you shouldn't take my advice. (-;

It just seems to me you've got a good thing going already. No need to push it. Take him at his word, if he says he likes you then he does. There is no way to know how he will react to what you say. What you've said to him so far seems to have worked. Do what you think is right but try to avoid the negative.

I will say again, RELAX! Oh ya, and enjoy!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Or should I go the route "you know, when you txt or call me throughout the week it makes my day, you should do it more!"

I like this idea! Have patience. At least you know it's only temporary.

 

[slobone]

What ever happened to the telephone? I would go out of mind if I could only communicate with somebody I was in love with through texting.

Make sure he knows how you feel -- that it means a lot to you to hear from him during the week and you want him to get in touch a LOT MORE. But be flattering, not whining. Boost his ego by telling him how much his calls mean to you.

 

[spreadeagle]

I feel anxious that you're investing so much in this emotionally. By my calculation if you've known him three weeks then the maximum time you've spent together is 4 weekends - perhaps 8 nights. Doesn't that seem rather soon to you to have already arranged to live together?

What are you doing over the summer that keeps you where you are now? If you plan to live together in the fall it seems imperative to me that you get to know each other better first. The prospects of two closeted guys setting up as a couple domestically and starting a new school in a new environment all at the same time don't look good to me.

 

[BiGuy8705]

We've known eachother longer than that, I just meant we have been officially dating three weeks. (Although, you would be correct in your assumption that I haven't known him very long). I can not leave my current school or work until at least August, and I also have many things to tie up here before I leave home for two years. (Mainly fixing and selling 3 of my cars, and finishing up several projects) But, at the same time, you are again correct that the reason I'm feeling this way is I really need to know that we're on the same page before I go through all of these changes on my end. I am not worried about moving in with him, as we are completely compatible thus far, and I'm getting as used to the school and area as I can... I like it a lot and I shouldn't have any problem adjusting.

I think I'm definately going to have a talk with him about it because it means a lot to me, but I'm going to pick just the right time and make sure I chose my words very carefully... I'll stick with only the positive, and not make a big deal out of it. If I chose my words right I'm sure it will make an impact while at the same time not drawing it out to be a big deal or sound like whining.

 

[bluedragon4]

I feel anxious that you're investing so much in this emotionally. By my calculation if you've known him three weeks then the maximum time you've spent together is 4 weekends - perhaps 8 nights. Doesn't that seem rather soon to you to have already arranged to live together?

What are you doing over the summer that keeps you where you are now? If you plan to live together in the fall it seems imperative to me that you get to know each other better first. The prospects of two closeted guys setting up as a couple domestically and starting a new school in a new environment all at the same time don't look good to me.

I agree totaly! 3 weeks and you're gonna move in with him and he's not only in the closet but lives far away and hardly talks to you during the week? That doesn't sound to smart. For all you know he could have a girlfriend/boyfriend who goes home on the weekends and that's how he's able to spend the time with you. Really think about this.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I met him through a mutual friend that I trust very much... my friend has known him since he was little, and I trust our mutual friend's judgement... and what I know so far... until he gives me a reason to believe otherwise. I really don't think he will, either. He's only had two girlfriends and two boyfriends in the past, and has been really open and honest about what he's done, etc. The other thing is we (and he during the week) is always with the same group of girls that live by him, like 7 or 8.... and there is definately nothing going on w/ them. They have no idea we're dating, and they would have definately mentioned something by now just in regular conversation about anyone else he brings around as much as he does me...

 

[drhladnjak]

He might be the greatest guy in the world for you, but seriously--slow down and enjoy the ride. There's no reason to start planning your life together after only spending 4 weekends with one another. Focus on getting to know him better, not fantasizing about your future together. It's simply dangerous to start building wild expectations at this point. You can easily end up disappointed when things don't go exactly as you imagined even if they'd otherwise still be perfectly fine and acceptable.

That said, do enjoy the ride! Getting to know a guy you click with better feels great!

 

[BiGuy8705]

I don't see what wild expectations I'm building? It was both of our decision for me to go to school out there next fall, and next fall isn't moving too fast... if things go wrong between now and then I can still back out... but with college deadlines the time to apply was now or never. The point was I think we need to communicate more throughout the week in order for me to get to know him better to be sure I'm making the right decision of going to school out there next fall

 

[BiGuy8705]

Well, just got my acceptance letter to the school! Just in time for the weekend... I'm going to tell the bf the good news on Friday, and at the same time slip in something about the communication during the week.

 

[drhladnjak]

If the school is a good fit for you (not him--you) on its own merits, then by all means go there. Just don't go to that school only because this guy you've been dating for 3 weeks goes there.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Definately a good point... and one I've heard many times, because it's true... but the school really is a great fit for me. I went there to party with him the first night and thought I'd hate it... and when I got there I couldn't believe how much it was everything I was looking for. I went the community college route and planned on transfering after 2 years but had never found a school I liked up until this point. The area is great, the people are great, the school itself is amazing, and it's just far enough away from home to feel like I'm getting away, but at the same time could go home whenever I feel like it. (1.5 hours away) Plus, he already signed a lease into a new appartment that is in an awesome location in town, right down the street from the school, and it will be REALLY cheap as well.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I have a friend who choose to go to the same school as a guy he liked. It never worked out but he's still stuck with the huge tuition to go there

 

[spreadeagle]

BiGuy - I'm glad you're thinking this through. You say ... if things go wrong between now and then I can still back out... that's a very mature attitude to take. Always have a plan B that will also take you in the direction you want to go. If you two get along well domestically, that's great, but it's wise to give some thought to what you'll do if you don't get on well living together because you don't want to damage your prospects at school or lose out financially because of a lack of fore-thought.

To come back to your original question - long-distance relationships are always problematic and can be disorientating. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about the level of commitment of either of you - it's more to do with the stop-start dynamic of the relationship. What happens is that each time your energies start to mesh they get ripped apart again. So there's a disjunction between the level of emotional engagement and the physical reality. Even in established relationships regular daily contact is required to keep things on an even keel.

By all means talk to him about it, but not in an accusatory way. If he's socialising with 8 women and you've got 3 cars to repair and sell I reckon you both have plenty to keep yourselves occupied. I suggest you contact him regularly but don't come from a position of neediness. Only initiate telephone calls to him if you have something specific to say. Don't phone more than 2 or 3 times a week. It's okay to send an email or text every day but keep it short - 'thinking of you - hope all ok - miss you - see you Friday' sort of thing.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Thanks for the post. As always, this weekend was even better than the past. I got to spend a lot of quality alone time with the bf and feel closer than ever. We we cuddling on Friday night and I asked him if he had any worries about the whole college situation, now that it's a reality. His only worry was he wanted to make sure I was coming to the school for the right reasons, and not just for him. We talked about that, and also about the communication, we're exactly on the same page about everything. Today we talked a lot about more distant future plans, and I'm really excited to see what this could turn into as we have the same goals and dreams as far as starting a particular business after we graduate, etc. He is also really committed to seeing me do well in school.

I left this morning and we talked a few times today, communication is MUCH better now that I talked to him about it and he told me "i know, no worries!"