Feeling so distant from my boy....

[BiGuy8705]

Ugh, this week was not a good one. After not seeing him for two weeks, he called to say he couldn't get off of work this weekend so it will be another week before I see him. I think I kind of over-reacted because I was really disappointed... I had a fun weekend planned after not seeing him for so long.

The rest of the week I think he kind of ignored my calls, probably because he thought I was mad... we talked for a bit a few days later, and the next morning we had a serious talk. I told him I cared a lot about him and was having a hard time with the communication and not seeing him. He basically said he likes spending time with me, and he's having fun getting to know me, but there is nothing else there. He says I'm doing everything right, but he seems very scared to get into a serious relationship because of his past relationships. His priorities are school and work and I think he's affraid of getting hurt and interfering with his priorities. I'm not sure why his past relationships ended, I wish I had an idea. He says he is very independant and never lets anyone into his life. He also says he calls me more than anyone else, since he hates talking on the phone.

I think it's a problem on both of our ends... maybe I'm expecting too much out of him because I know he has been really busy with school, a new job, and like he said there are always people showing up at his place, and he rarely has a moment to himself. He says sometimes he just needs his space and needs to turn off his phone and just watch tv even. At the same time, I wish he would make growing the relationship a bit more of a priority... if he has time to party (although it seems he has had less and less time for this lately) he should have time to so much as drunk dial me.

We both agree that things will get better in August when I move there. He still wants me there, and I still want to be there. Communication will no longer be an issue since we will be sharing an appartment, and I'm prepared to give him his space when he needs it, and try to relieve some of the stresses in his life so he can relax more and do what he wants to do. (cooking, cleaning, shopping, helping take care of his pets, whatever I can do..) I'll have much more free time than him, as I will problaby be working from home.

I guess the bottom line is I like this guy a lot. Does this seem like I'm setting myself up to get hurt? I think I need to rid myself of ALL expectations and just have fun... because honestly I'm having a great time when I'm with him... and I think I enjoyed myself more when I didn't have any expectations at all of what a boyfriend should be. I would visit, we would party, and both have an awesome time. I thought communicating everyday would bring us closer when we're so far appart, but really it did the opposite.

Should I put in such an effort to let him know I care about him, helping him out so much once I move there, etc? He made it clear what we are at this time, I really do think it has the potential to turn into more... but I'm not sure what it will take to get there. He talks about us taking classes together next year, and even starting a business once we graduate, so I think he plans on us being together... I just think it will take some time and that things are moving too fast for him with everything else going on in his life

 

[bluedragon4]

^^^^ You are not gonna be able to just let it go and have a good time. But that's okay. It's not your fault that you care more for him than he does for you. That kinda thing happens a lot! But he will never give you what you want and he will continue to pull away while you wallow in depression over why he doesn't see how great you two could be.Moving in with him really isn't a good idea at all. You will fight about space even if you are giving him space. He will feel like not coming home cause you put these expectations on him even if they are non- verbal. Than he will start to date someone who he isn't tied down to in anyway and it will hurt you and no good can come of this. If you wanna save any part of this keep your life seperate. It would be better to live with a stranger. Trust me, one fucked up thing I have learned is the more you ignore the guy and pretend you really don't care the more they come after you. I have been chased down more times by guys who never chase guys cause they love that challenge that no one gives them. They end up wanting you so bad they cherish you more cause they see they are not the only one who wants you and that you are not all crazy and stalking. Being emotionally stable is the most attractive thing. When I was single I would not return phone calls right away or call a guy more than twice without a response. Don't keep calling this guy. Let him call you. And if lets weeks go by without calling you than you gotta move on. Don't hold on to a sinking ship.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I mean... i think there are feelings there... probably the appropriate amount of feelings since we've only dated a month and don't see eachother often. I think it is me that has more feelings than I should at this time. If he's only been in 4 relationships in his life, and is so hesitant to get into one, I don't know why he would want to date me in the first place. I mean, there has to be SOMETHING there for him to want me to be his boyfriend.

Before he got his new job, before finals week, before he had the stress of packing to get ready to move to our new place... he would come visit when he could, and call me the second he got here to hang out. I really think he enjoys being with me. He'd like it when I came to visit, which was almost every weekend for a while. And the time we spend together is a lot of fun.

I just need to figure out if it's worth pursuing... we really do get along great when we're together and I don't think living together will push us farther appart. I think I made the common mistake of trying to speed things along, and that combined with long distance was a huge mistake. We're still dating. We can enjoy eachothers company and go about our lives, and still have someone to come home and cuddle with at the end of the night. If more comes in time that would be wonderful, but I faced the reality that who knows what will happen, and I'm ok with just having fun and enjoying eachother.

 

[rareboy]

Just relax......for Pete's sake, it is only a couple of months until August and then you'll be with one another constantly....unless you totally fuck things up by being too needy and neurotic in the meantime.

Why does everyone not only need to think something to death, but then get a hundred conflicting opinions by posting on a board.

Find a hobby...become less stressed and you'll both have a lot more fun than watching you make origami with your emotions.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Haha thanks dude, that was the reply I needed. I came to the realization after our talk on Friday that we just needed to chill out until August and things would be fine once we're together. Because, well... things ARE fine when we're together. It's just the distance that drives people insane.

I think I'm going to tell him I appologize if I over-reacted when I see him next Friday. I think I really want what he wants, and that's to take it slowly, have a great time, and get to know eachother better.

 

[MindBlast]

The problem is he finds getting phoned constantly really annoying. Here are a few tips. Most guys are good when you do the following:

-Don't call just for idle chit-chat. It's annoying to a lot of guys. If you're phoning, do it for a reason. Save the small talk for when you're actually together doing some sort of activity.

-Don't be needy. This ties into the first one. Your behaviour sounds like what I like to call an 'emotional vampire." You're making your man feel crowded.

 

[BiGuy8705]

The fucked up thing is I hate talking on the phone, too, lol. This is obviously my first relationship, and I have a lot to learn. There was this guy before my bf that was pretty much in love with me from across the country. We would talk on the phone so much that it would start to annoy even me. I guess from that I got it in my mind that if you're in a long distance relationship, that you should talk often.

I just called him now for a specific purpose, to see if he was able to get off work this weekend and still wanted me to help him move into our new appt. He started talking about what he was fixing on his car right now, and I kind of interupted and was like "well, the reason I called was..." and got pretty much straight to the point. Afterwards he asked if he could call me back and let me know how his car went, and I'm like yeah sure if you want... basically to the point that I don't care anymore if he calls or not.

The problem wasn't me calling him constantly as much as me expecting him to call when he says, etc, since he is the one that always seems to be busy and I wouldn't want to call and interupt.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Sooo, saw the bf for the first time in 3 weeks. Friday was great and we had a real possitive drunk talk about how great we were for eachother (Although his words were "I might be an asshole but you'll see I'm worth it"... which although it sounds bad, I think is true..) Then Satuday it seemed so distant again, not a single kiss, or any kind of contact, just hanging out (across the room from eachother) watching movies, etc... then party with a big group of people. Then, one of his friends stayed there so we couldn't sleep together. I was really bothered with that since I've missed him so much the past 3 weeks...

Had a huge talk about this today, I just don't get it. Basically... He says he likes to curl up and sleep with me, but doesn't really like cuddling or anything else during the day... and said he is more into the friendship part of the relationship... tho he used to be much more physical with his past BFs. (??) We established that I do have stronger feelings for him, but he says the reason he's trying to take this so slow is he wants to be together a long time, and eventually start a business when we graduate, etc (Which has always been my dream btw) I just don't see how someone can be so focused on the long term, but at the same time not have stronger feelings?? Though I do completely understand the taking it slow part...

I don't know, we both got a better understanding of eachother, but at the same time I don't think either of us are going to change. :/ It was good to hear that the bf really wants to be together for a long time, though... I just like being with him and should be happy either way once I move there for school. Seeing him more than once every several weekends will make things a lot less stressful...

 

[confusedboy23]

Maybe it's really not about seeing him more often, I think it's time for the both of you to spill out everything and work through them together. By the sounds of it, you both have very different priorities right now and you both have different perceptions on how the relationship should be. Be honest with each other sooner rather than later. It will only hurt you all the more if you didn't and I would hate to see things not working out only AFTER you've made the move to the new school. If you cannot communicate the way you want to, then there really is no basis for a relationship at all. I'm sorry is I've sounded harsh but......that's just my two cents anyway.

 

[BiGuy8705]

Well, it's over. I dumped him yesterday, although he seemed to know what his behavior would lead to. He came into town for his sister's graduation, and brought two of his friends from school. Towards the start of the relationship, he would call me days in advance of coming home, and we would hang out every free moment we had together. Friday, I hadn't talked to him in a week. I call him and find out he's coming into town. Friday night he decided to hang out with one of his friends from school, which was ok, and he made plans for me, him, and his two friends he brought to goto lunch and a movie on saturday. I didn't hear from him by 1pm, and he said give him an hour... three hours passed, he's not answering his phone, so I txt'd one of his friends he brought. It turns out they had to go back to PA since she had work at 5. (They knew this all along).

The interesting part is they took two separate cars. If my bf had any desire to spend time with me, I'm sure he could have found a way. He was also alone in his car heading back to PA, and even though he was alone he wouldnt answer my calls or txts. Or, even have the courtesy to call me and tell me they wouldn't be able to make it.

I basically told him he doesn't have the ability to maintain a friendship let alone a relationship, and if he didn't put fourth some serious effort we were done. He said "obviously I'm not working for you" and made it sound like it was my fault for expecting these very small things out of him.

I don't know what to do now, I don't think I'll be happy going to school out there anymore... so now I don't know what to tell my family, etc, about why I decided not to attend school out there. If I had already moved and got adjusted when this happened I would have been ok (hurt but ok) but now that this happened 2 months in advance....

 

[Ninja108]

It's painful but it's life. You will move on and be stronger for it. From what you've described, you were in a relationship where the only person putting forth effort was you. You will find a guy that's not an asshole. As for school, if the only reason you were going there was because of him, don't go. Find a school you enjoy, with classes you'll enjoy. The hurt will lessen over time. Stay strong buddy, we're here for ya

 

[BiGuy8705]

The school I would enjoy, and the classes would be exactly what I need for my major, but it would be akward. And I don't think I could find anywhere to live, without paying a ton of money now, etc...

I have been doing GREAT these past few days lol, completely over bf, and having fun talking to some cool new guys, going clubbing, etc

 

[Ninja108]

Good for you. Life goes on and trust me, from my friend's experciences, gay and straight, you get over a jerk really quick