Feeling way sexually frustrated....

[JSRD]

Hey guys,

My partner and I have been together for about 4 years now and I know he’s the one I connect with him so well. The only problem we have been having is we are so different sexually and we have been not connecting lately like I want to which leads to my frustrations. He’s not a very sexual person, and to him sex will happen when it happens. Me I’m not. I like to plan it, make sure it happens every couple days and get worries/frustrated when we can’t find time to connect sexually. We have been progressively having less sex for about a year now. We went from every day to every couple days to every week to now like every other week if that. We also haven’t had anal sex in a very long time(like a year) which is something I have told my partner time and time again I wanna do with no luck. I have tired to talk to him but I always get the “it’ll happen when it happens don’t stress about it” response, or him telling me that me trying so hard is turning him off. I just don’t know what to do anymore, any advice?

 

[Donnie]

There is nothing better than communication in a situation like this. It sounds to me like you’re focusing a lot on your needs not being satisfied, but there are two of you in the relationship. Rather than just telling him what you want, why don’t you ask him what it is that he wants. Find out what turns him on and really gets him excited. This may or may not be the case; but could he perhaps be thinking that what you usually get up to doesn’t appeal to him and that’s why he holds off? I don’t know the answer to that, but he definitely does. He could very well be harbouring some fantasies that you have no idea about.

On the other end of the scale, if he has NO sex drive at all, it’s really important that you’re patient and make an effort to understand why. I’ve been through spells in the past where depression was the cause of it and if it’s something like that then the last thing he needs is to feel guilty about something he can’t bring himself to do.

Talk to him and find it what’s going on, but don’t make it about you. Make it about understanding him, and just allow yourself to listen.

 

[KaraBulut]

The first question: is this a change for him or has he always been ambivalent about having sex?

That first question is tied to whether the problem is physical. There are medical problems that need to be eliminated: diabetes, hormone imbalances, endocrine imbalances, weight gain, etc.

The infrequency of sex is a problem, but the bigger problem is that he's controlling the sex by dismissing your desire for sex with phrases "It will happen when it happens" which is pretty saying, "It will happen when I want it to happen".

 

[sixthson]

Sometimes problems in the bedroom have their source in other parts of your life together.

He should be caring that you are sexually frustrated. Unless he is physically incapable of keeping up with you, then he needs to explain.
Is it a matter of age?

Any chance he is getting his needs met with someone else or on the internet with porn or internet relationships?

 

[mcbrion]

If medical is not the issue, psychological IS. Eliminate one (medical first), and you'll know what you're dealing with (psychological). But I agree with Kara Bulut: right now, either out of fear (perhaps of how you'll react) or fear of abandonment, or he's just losing his feelings for you (which could be mired in depression, but that's not the only answer), he's controlling the relationship. He's clearly not interested in giving you any information that allows you to move forward. Ergo: control.

If you can tolerate that, fine. If you cannot, you'll either have to say "I need a better answer than what you've given me so far or I'll have no choice but to assume you've either lost interest in me and you're just not telling me. Or there's something seriously wrong and you're still not telling me. And I'm supposed to be the man you love, but you're not acting like the man I Love. And you're dismissing my need to know what's going on. So, if you can't be upfront with me, then I cannot really depend on you for an answer, since you're not working with me. I'll have to make a decision without all the information I need. And that might mean the end of this relationship. Is that what you truly want to happen?" Sometimes, as unpleasant as it is, you have to set a boundary. And a time limit.

 

[Seasoned]

Your situation is not ok and if not repairable would be justification for making big changes. There could be all sorts of reasons for why he isn’t more sexual and he owes you an explanation. If the two of you can’t work through this alone (and you have to be willing and able to state expectations) you’ll need the help of a couple’s therapist. It’s not normal to not have a sex drive and if he’s not getting sex elsewhere or through masturbation he needs medical attention.

The two of you have a relationship, but it is now like a roommate relationship.

 

[novastar]

Y'all don't sound sexually compatible. I suppose I'm lucky. I need a good fuck twice per week. I'm a bottom, so I kinda have to "plan ahead." Get yourself ready and try turning him on...see how that goes

 

[ButtSniffer201]

Hey guys,

My partner and I have been together for about 4 years now and I know he’s the one I connect with him so well. The only problem we have been having is we are so different sexually and we have been not connecting lately like I want to which leads to my frustrations. He’s not a very sexual person, and to him sex will happen when it happens. Me I’m not. I like to plan it, make sure it happens every couple days and get worries/frustrated when we can’t find time to connect sexually. We have been progressively having less sex for about a year now. We went from every day to every couple days to every week to now like every other week if that. We also haven’t had anal sex in a very long time(like a year) which is something I have told my partner time and time again I wanna do with no luck. I have tired to talk to him but I always get the “it’ll happen when it happens don’t stress about it” response, or him telling me that me trying so hard is turning him off. I just don’t know what to do anymore, any advice?

Not to hijack this post, but the original poster wrote it so well that I wanted to bring it up again.

I also am going through something very similar. My partner and I have been together for about 8 years...and honestly we have never had a raging sex life.

I was fairly promiscuous when I was single, but he and I would only ever have sex once a week, usually on Sundays and always on weekends. When I would mention sex at night or first thing in the morning or during the week, he always turned me down. So yes, there is a controlling aspect. He wants sex when he wants it. If for some reason I’m not in the mood (just ate dinner or feeling sick, etc) he will simply masturbate using porn on his phone. He has no problem with me masturbating either since he is only in the mood once a week.

Now, we pretty much only have sex when he approaches me, since I basically know it will only be on a weekend, and the lack of spontaneity is frustrating. So it has probably been about a month. I’m sure we will have sex this coming weekend, because of how long it’s been.

I also say “sex” but really mean oral and jacking off. Anal happens maybe two to three times a year. I used to be the bottom in our relationship but over the years he would get frustrated at trying to “open me up” because so much time would lapse between our last sex encounter. The only good side to this is now I am the top (he started asking me to fuck him) and I am enjoying this switch. Maybe it is the “take that fucker, we are finally doing it” psychological element, but I really enjoy my newer top role in our relationship, WHEN it happens.

Communication is a funny thing. To complicate our situation, I like sex to be a bit dirtier than normal. Love my man to be stinky and ripe. But I don’t always clearly state it for fear of grossing him out. But he knows I love sniffing a ripe ass and let’s me go to town rimming him because he knows it gets me hard.

And then he likes sex toys, which do nothing for me. So inevitably, we will try those every few months and it makes me go limp as a noodle. But I try to go through those motions with him.

So, original poster, you are not alone. And other JUB members, what are your thoughts? Are there other gay married men out there that will admit to having sex lives that could be better? I cannot imagine a world honestly in which we have sex three or four times a week like some couples. Sad but true.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, first off, zombie thread, the OP is long gone.


I've dated guys where all we ever did was fuck. Nothing else worked. I've tried to date guys where we were just totally sexually incompatible and no matter how much I wanted to make it work, in the end it was just not going to happen.


How old are the two of you?

 

[ButtSniffer201]

OK, first off, zombie thread, the OP is long gone.


I've dated guys where all we ever did was fuck. Nothing else worked. I've tried to date guys where we were just totally sexually incompatible and no matter how much I wanted to make it work, in the end it was just not going to happen.


How old are the two of you?

Sorry, I figured 2018 was recent enough to piggyback off this post, since it is so similar to my situation. I’ve seen people bring back posts from 2011 and before.

We both are about 40 years old. He just refuses to have sex during the week because it interferes with dinner plans and our daily routine etc. so the weekend is the only free slot. And even then he may not want it. And I’ve gotten to the point where it’s just easier to jack off lol. To be fair, I’m not always in the mood either. Who wants to fuck right after dinner, or as soon as you get home from work?

Perhaps we both just have generally low sex drives. I guess we really should plan sex more, given how things are going. We have been married for years, so this is not a passing relationship. I kinda just assume that sex life dwindles for married gay folks just like for married straight folks.

For the record we really have no gay friends. Most of our friends are toxicly single straight people. So I don’t have much of a gauge on how normal my situation is. Hence this post.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry, I figured 2018 was recent enough to piggyback off this post, since it is so similar to my situation. I’ve seen people bring back posts from 2011 and before.

We both are about 40 years old. He just refuses to have sex during the week because it interferes with dinner plans and our daily routine etc. so the weekend is the only free slot. And even then he may not want it. And I’ve gotten to the point where it’s just easier to jack off lol. To be fair, I’m not always in the mood either. Who wants to fuck right after dinner, or as soon as you get home from work?

Perhaps we both just have generally low sex drives. I guess we really should plan sex more, given how things are going. We have been married for years, so this is not a passing relationship. I kinda just assume that sex life dwindles for married gay folks just like for married straight folks.

For the record we really have no gay friends. Most of our friends are toxicly single straight people. So I don’t have much of a gauge on how normal my situation is. Hence this post.

Sorry back at ya, that wasn't a criticism, just a prompt that you deserve your own thread. I do know that my sex drive is less than it was at 20, but it's still not that infrequent. People are different, but obviously this is bothering you, so no, that's not acceptable. If he won't talk, and won't compromise, you're at an impasse - it's time for some counseling.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sorry back at ya, that wasn't a criticism, just a prompt that you deserve your own thread.

^Agree.

If OP is okay with it, I can split this thread off into another separate thread since this is a problem that a lot of people have.

I guess we really should plan sex more, given how things are going. We have been married for years, so this is not a passing relationship. I kinda just assume that sex life dwindles for married gay folks just like for married straight folks.

For the record we really have no gay friends. Most of our friends are toxicly single straight people. So I don’t have much of a gauge on how normal my situation is. Hence this post.

I do know that my sex drive is less than it was at 20, but it's still not that infrequent. People are different, but obviously this is bothering you, so no, that's not acceptable. If he won't talk, and won't compromise, you're at an impasse - it's time for some counseling.

If you were to have a frank conversation with your straight friends, you would find that you are probably in the same boat. one of the most common complaints in any long-term relationship is that it's hard to find quality and quantity time with your partner and it's hard to always be in synch with the amount of sex that you both want. Work and day-to-day stress gets in the way. In the case of straight couples, the kids get put first and the partner ends up further and further down the list of priorities.

You might give it one last go at talking with him about the issue. Instead of approaching it from a "You're not giving me what I want" view, maybe try to have a conversation where you both figure out what you want and you figure out a way to make time for each other.

The answer might be that you both have a "date night" where you do something you both like together (e.g. watch a favorite TV show, take a bubble bath together, etc), cuddle, talk and then take it to the bedroom. It might be that you take turns indulging each other's fantasy. The important thing is that you both make a commitment to being there and putting each other first during that time.

If the two of you can't make this commitment to put each other first at least one night a week, then TX-Beau is right- you're either going to have to get into counseling or change the terms of your relationship so that you can find the things that you need elsewhere.