Feelings for a Friend - What to Do?!

[PlayingwithChance]

Sorry if this is a long post, but I desperately need advice on this complicated situation...

So, I've been in a relationship for a couple of years, but I've had to move away from my boyfriend for quite a while. It's been very shaky, as all LDRs are, and we're pretty much on the verge of taking a break or breaking up.

Now, I'm in a remote place, it's pretty lonely here. But I've made friends - one of them is a guy... a really awesome guy I'm starting to feel attracted to. Thing is, I suspect he might be gay. He knows I'm gay, and a few other friends I've made here know I'm gay as well.

I haven't known this guy for very long, maybe a couple of weeks. But we've seen each other quite a bit over the last week or two, and it's been great. As much as I've tried not to develop feelings for him (because I know how messy these things always get), I can't help it - I haven't felt that draw, that infatuation that strikes so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and so devastatingly in YEARS.

I feel like being around this guy has brought me back to life, like going through the motions of every single day is starting to mean something again - like life is exciting, unexplored, FUN. He makes me feel like I've finally escaped from the prison of my routine, like now I've left my dark cell and I'm sitting on a beach, the sun shining, the waves gently lapping on the sand... peaceful, yet so full of energy.

I wouldn't call it love. I refuse to call it love - I'm doing everything I can to make these feelings go away. He's a fun friend, he's easy to be around, and I don't want to ruin that. But there's a good chance he might be gay, and one of my girlfriends here suspects the exact same thing... but if ever he is, he seems shy about his sexuality, has never mentioned anything about girls... or boys.

What do I do? I see him almost everyday now, we do things together... and the feelings are only getting stronger. Even if he is gay, quite often I feel that he wouldn't be attracted to me anyways... but perhaps for stupid reasons. I may be reading too much into this, but it feels like he's equally nice to everyone. No special treatment for me, no lingering looks, no partial treatment. I just figured, if he's into me, maybe he would smile at me more, or prefer to talk to me more, or try to be around me more than he would others... after all, he knows I'm gay. But then again, he also knows I've been in a long-term relationship, and doesn't know it's about to end.

Either way, what do I do? Do I keep trying to suppress the feelings? Do I ask him if he's gay? Do I ask him out? Help guys... I just keep going in circles, and I'm so confused.

This guy is hitting me hard.

 

[G-Lexington]

There's too much uncertainty. You're getting feelings for a guy who MIGHT be gay, but you don't want to if he isn't, but he might be, but even if he is, he might not like you like that, and then there's your boyfriend, and...

So first things first. Ask him if he's gay. Flat out. You can phrase it any way you want. "Hey, usually my gaydar is pretty good, but I'll be honest - I can't get a bead on you at all. Are you gay, too?"

If he isn't, that solves a lot of problems for you. Yes, you'll still have feelings for a straight guy, but at least you won't be deluded into thinking those feelings might be returned, and you won't feel guilty thinking things while you've still got a guy somewhere else.

If he says yes, again, you're ahead of the game. You know you at least have a shot at something. And then you can give serious thought about whether to cut ties with your old guy and pursue this new one.

Lex

 

[PlayingwithChance]

There's too much uncertainty. You're getting feelings for a guy who MIGHT be gay, but you don't want to if he isn't, but he might be, but even if he is, he might not like you like that, and then there's your boyfriend, and...

So first things first. Ask him if he's gay. Flat out. You can phrase it any way you want. "Hey, usually my gaydar is pretty good, but I'll be honest - I can't get a bead on you at all. Are you gay, too?"

If he isn't, that solves a lot of problems for you. Yes, you'll still have feelings for a straight guy, but at least you won't be deluded into thinking those feelings might be returned, and you won't feel guilty thinking things while you've still got a guy somewhere else.

If he says yes, again, you're ahead of the game. You know you at least have a shot at something. And then you can give serious thought about whether to cut ties with your old guy and pursue this new one.

Lex

Thanks Lex... but... if I ask him if he's gay, and he says yes... and THEN I end my relationship...

Won't it seem like I ended my relationship for him, and boy does that sound fucked up and skanky.

I mean, I'm not thinking of ending my relationship FOR him. He's just the trigger, the last straw, the final sentence in a very long paragraph of what ifs, regrets and feelings of uncertainty. And now, more than ever, I feel so sharply the reality of POSSIBILITIES out there in the world, and god, it's been a long time since I've felt that...

I feel so shitty about myself now. I feel like a nasty perverted friend, a horrible boyfriend, and the worst asshole skank in the world right now.

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess that all depends. Let's say you find out this guy is straight. Then what? Will you stay with your current boyfriend? Why? No reason not to? Nothing better on the horizon?

If you really ARE on the brink, why not take the plunge? Ask for a break, or break up. Then, if you'd like, tell this guy that first. That you've broken up with your boyfriend, and it's a bummer, but hey, it happens. Perhaps that might even give him the impetus he needs to start turning the charm onto you.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue is not this guy. The issue is that your life is lacking something that you're using this guy to fill.

It's not really fair to use this guy to escape the "prison of my routine".

Perhaps you should focus on determine why you're less than happy with your life. That would be a more long term solution.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

I have to admit to not actually reading the longer posts. Suppression is always best. That's what masturbation is for. And porn.

 

[PlayingwithChance]

Well, I took the advice given.

First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. And I did this before even pursuing anything with this new guy. I don't want it to be about him, because it isn't. I ended the relationship for the reason that it should, and that was because it was not right for me.

But either way, I let the new guy know that I'm single again... but I took it a step further. I asked him if he was attracted to guys. He said yes.

I don't know why, but this is even worse than him being straight. Now it feels like there's a chance, and yet it's scary as hell, because if nothing happens, it isn't because he's straight... it's because I'm not good enough.

I haven't felt this strongly about someone in years. I don't want to fuck it up. Especially with this guy... he's perfect.

What do I do?!

 

[G-Lexington]

It's only worse because it doesn't bring things to a conclusion. If he had said "no", you'da been crushed, you would've wondered if breaking up with your boyfriend was the right move, but you'd at least been done making moves and decisions about this guy.

Instead, now you've got some more ground to cover.

What do you do? Why not do what straight people do? Ask him out on a date.

Lex

 

[PlayingwithChance]

It's only worse because it doesn't bring things to a conclusion. If he had said "no", you'da been crushed, you would've wondered if breaking up with your boyfriend was the right move, but you'd at least been done making moves and decisions about this guy.

Instead, now you've got some more ground to cover.

What do you do? Why not do what straight people do? Ask him out on a date.

Lex

Do you think I'm moving too fast? I've only known him for about a month, and only REALLY gotten to hang out with him a lot for the last week and a half. Although he's warmed up slightly to me since I told him, and asked him...

Gods, this is such a weird feeling. I was so used to the security of being in a relationship, and now I have to deal with all this. I don't get how people do it!

If he says no, I'll be crushed. Should I wait longer, maybe somehow more time will allow him to perhaps fall for me? The thing is though, he won't be here forever. He's gone in a few months, back to his hometown. I'm working against the clock here. And let me just say, thanks Lex, your advice means a lot to me. And thanks to everyone else who's chimed in. It helps not to feel so alone in this.

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't invite him to bed (right away). Invite him OUT. To dinner. Just you two. You don't have to go to some place with candlelight and a strolling violinist. The pizza joint's fine. Spend some time with him, chat with him, take some time to see how comfortable you two feel together.

Once that's done, you can decide if you want to nudge it further.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

^ Listen to Lex.

 

[PlayingwithChance]

Well, today's the big day. I'm hoping to ask today.

Thing is... I'm not sure what to ask.

I was thinking of just telling him straight up that I like him, and ask him if he likes me back. Is that too direct? Should I just go for the ask him out on a date thing?

I need to do this, I really do. Last night there was a little get together with a couple of people, and once again I felt like I was just background noise. Probably isn't into me... is probably into one of the louder frat-boy straight-boy types.

I'm probably going to get rejected. But I need to know, because wondering is just killing me. At least if I know, I can begin the process of killing these feelings.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, today's the big day. I'm hoping to ask today.

Thing is... I'm not sure what to ask.

I was thinking of just telling him straight up that I like him, and ask him if he likes me back. Is that too direct? Should I just go for the ask him out on a date thing?

Dating 101:

1. To date, you have to ask someone to go somewhere and do something. It's that simple. Coffee. Or movie. Or dinner (everyone has to eat sooner or later).
2. The purpose of the date is to date... not to pick a china pattern at Mikasa.
3. Just be relaxed, be yourself and focus on having a fun time.
4. You don't have to tell someone you like them. Unless he'e completely thick in the head, he'll figure it out.
5. If you don't click, you'll be friends.
6. If you do click, you'll be fucking like rabbits in no time.

I'm probably going to get rejected. But I need to know, because wondering is just killing me. At least if I know, I can begin the process of killing these feelings.

Take your right hand and bop yourself up side of your head- someone needs to do it.

Stop this. If you go into this with at attitude like "I'm probably going to get rejected", then you are wasting your time and his.

Read Dating 101 #2 above. The purpose of the date is to date. It's not to find acceptance, rejection, the love of your life or a reason to piss and moan about your lack of self-esteem. Dating is supposed to be fun - you sound like you have an appointment for a colonoscopy. Geez.

Now stop this and go have fun.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I need to do this, I really do. Last night there was a little get together with a couple of people, and once again I felt like I was just background noise. Probably isn't into me... is probably into one of the louder frat-boy straight-boy types.

Oh, bullshit. He's been talking to YOU. He obviously, at the absolute very least, LIKES you. You're immediately at least five steps ahead of asking a stranger out.

To quote the wise man above, GO. HAVE. FUN.

Lex

 

[PlayingwithChance]

God I love you guys. All your advice makes sense.

You know what, fuck this. If I get rejected, I'm going to take that as a cue to just make myself better and focus on me.

I'm going to go out there, ask him out, and have some fun. Life is too short. I'm gonna go have fun.

Thanks guys. Wish me luck.

 

[trawler69]

Best of luck mate. Just relax, be yourself, smile and enjoy

 

[G-Lexington]

You don't need luck. You need confidence. So I'll wish you that.

Lex