Feelings for straight best friend-- Advice

[TX-Beau]

He told me he doesn't care who is gay/bi as long as they don't try to make any moves on him...

You should be very leery of this statement. I find this means that he doesn't have problems with the gay so long as he doesn't know about it.

In my experience guys who say this kind of thing are going to have issues. You tell him, he's probably gonna need you to back off and give him some alone time to come to terms with you.

Just from what you posted why on earth do you think he might be bi? Hope and moonbeams?

 

[catee222]

Just from what you posted why on earth do you think he might be bi? Hope and moonbeams?

-He's 23, never had a gf or hooked up with a girl. Since I've known him (high school), he never expressed interest in liking a girl until this one. But then again, he's shy.

-Doesn't talk about girls--for example, when we see a good looking girl, he'll never say "she's hot" or something, but when someone else says it, he'll just nod in agreement.

-No "adult" magazines in his house, no maxim--I never found porn on his comp, he shares the comp. with his family and knowing him, he's smart enough to delete any traces of porn.

-Not into sports much

-He likes the Twilight movie and has wanted to start reading the series.

I don't think my factors prove anything so overall, I guess I've just been hoping.

 

[On The Edge]

-He's 23, never had a gf or hooked up with a girl. Since I've known him (high school), he never expressed interest in liking a girl until this one. But then again, he's shy.

-Doesn't talk about girls--for example, when we see a good looking girl, he'll never say "she's hot" or something, but when someone else says it, he'll just nod in agreement.

-No "adult" magazines in his house, no maxim--I never found porn on his comp, he shares the comp. with his family and knowing him, he's smart enough to delete any traces of porn.

-Not into sports much

-He likes the Twilight movie and has wanted to start reading the series.

I don't think my factors prove anything so overall, I guess I've just been hoping.

wow that like totally describes me lol..& I'm 23 haha..well it cud be signs..I don't know..but discreetly check his reaction..when a hot guy passes..

 

[G-Lexington]

Come out to him, already.

Lex

 

[spencer]

-He's 23, never had a gf or hooked up with a girl. Since I've known him (high school), he never expressed interest in liking a girl until this one. But then again, he's shy.

-Doesn't talk about girls--for example, when we see a good looking girl, he'll never say "she's hot" or something, but when someone else says it, he'll just nod in agreement.

-No "adult" magazines in his house, no maxim--I never found porn on his comp, he shares the comp. with his family and knowing him, he's smart enough to delete any traces of porn.

-Not into sports much

-He likes the Twilight movie and has wanted to start reading the series.

I don't think my factors prove anything so overall, I guess I've just been hoping.

Making lists of his virtues that you hope will help you find out if he might swing another way is just going to fuel your obsession. Like we said, take steps to fill your head with thoughts of someone who is more available than this guy. Or at least make a list of things that make him straight.

 

[catee222]

Hmmm, things that make him straight--

-Admitting he likes the girl

-Being geeky, into sci-fi & computers

I'm too tired to think of more at the moment.

 

[catee222]

Ok, now I am totally pissed off and it now feels like my crush on him is going to fade, and probably my friendship with him as well. We were at a bar recently in the city with some friends and he was texting with his crush constantly back and forth until his phone died. He wished he would spend more time with her in person, and being the unfortunate selfish (I was tipsy) guy that I can be sometimes, I kept telling him to stop texting her and enjoy himself at the bar with our friends. He's not a confrontational guy in general, he's generally calm so he didn't tell me to stop bitching or anything. I was hoping again that he was getting my hints of liking him, but he seems oblivious to it (either that or he's just ignoring it and won't say anything).

A few drinks later, I eventually told him that part of me was against him going out with this girl. He asked why and I told him I have my own reasons (I wish I could tell him I have a crush on him). I then said one of the main reasons was my fear of getting ditched all the time and he told me that that's just natural and he wouldn't forget about me and still hang out with me. He also said it's fortunate that at least his crush is a girl I am friends with as opposed to one I don't know at all. He then confessed he felt it would make things a bit weird among our circle of friends and isn't sure if it will work out, but he wants to try it. I apologized for getting bitchy about the whole thing and asked him how he could stay calm about this. He replies- "it is just the way I am, should I be mad? Its just your opinion." (I'm realizing now I should never have said anything about being against them going out). So then I thought something like this would make our friendship grow stronger, but apparently not--

I was at his house last night on his computer and happened to have found his AIM chat history files. So while he wasn't looking (other friends were at the house, too so he was distracted by them) I glanced through his chats with his crush, and I feel betrayed (I should've copied/pasted the logs and e-mailed them to myself, but I couldn't stand looking at them). He mentioned to her about the times I bitched to him about texting her, seeing the two of them together, and how I complain about a bunch of things in general among other things. I saw in one convo that he told her he was bored without her when the rest of us were hanging out somewhere. She even noticed that I have given her dirty looks whenever she's with my crush and she hates it that I complain all the time and mentioned she'd punch me in the face if she could, but I didn't see any mention of them thinking I was gay/bi, just a comment she made about me trying to protect him from her. It seems like he's choosing her over me for obvious reasons, but there's nothing I feel I can do/say about reading the logs because he will most likely tell her (and who knows who else), not to mention probably get pissed. Apparently all of my circle of friends have noticed I've been bitching lately and no one said anything about it, they're just talking about it behind my back . I ended up apologizing to everyone online last night for how I've been acting this summer and everyone accepted, but I'm sure deep down they were wondering why I would just randomly apologize.

So in a nutshell, the logs were like a wake-up call to me, and I felt hurt reading them. After I read them, I had little desire to talk to him at his house for the rest of the night and I was spending less time around him than I usually have recently. I'm going to have to distance myself from my crush for a bit because he's not the trusting friend I thought he was, but idk if I want to end the friendship, he's been nothing but nice to me to my face. He didn't tell her he hates me, just that I complain too much. I even told him a few times if he ever has a problem with anything I do to just tell it to my face, but he never does, instead the asshole talks behind my back about it. I really really want to confront him about the logs, I'm not sure what to do. I wish I never started to have a crush on him, it brought nothing but tension between me and my friends.

And as far as coming out to him goes, I think that can wait for now, lol.

 

[KaraBulut]

Where to begin here?

Looking at the chat logs was wrong. Don't do that- it falls into that creepy category of snooping and other stalker-ish behavior.

All of this is a wakeup call for you. Your friend is needy and codependent. The minute he gets into a relationship, he's probably going to put everything and everyone else on the backburner. The texting behavior and chat logs are sending you some messages about what the future holds.

The first message for you is that you need to work on developing relationships of your own. Stop crushing on your friends. Stop interjecting yourself into their relationships. Start focusing on finding boys who like boys like you and who like penis- everyone will be much happier once you do.

The second message for you is that your friends are growing up and moving on. They will start finding boyfriends and girlfriends. They will move in with them. They will get married. They will have children. You will be moving down the priority list into a much lower slot. It's not fun but that is life.

Another thing that you can expect- your friend is exactly the kind of friend that will suddenly reappear in his friends' lives then minute he gets dumped. He's wired that way.

 

[catee222]

Thanks a lot for your reply. I know it was wrong to look at the logs, but it was too tempting. But had I not looked at the logs, the crushing probably would have become worse and the friendships would have been more fucked up. Now, after looking at them, I want to try changing the way I act around him (becoming less clingy, touchy-feely) and to restore things back to the way they were before I was crushing. Things happen for a reason, right?

And I forgot to mention in my last post that the whole summer has been stressful for me with my job and stuff so that's why I was bitchy about everything, my crush on him was another factor that caused this.

"Another thing that you can expect- your friend is exactly the kind of friend that will suddenly reappear in his friends' lives then minute he gets dumped. He's wired that way."

Ya I wouldn't be surprised if he does that. I also want to add that he has no experience living independently and is not the most responsible person in the world. He's late everywhere he goes among other things. And to be honest, I'm not sure if he can support his potential relationship with his crush financially, unless she becomes the main supporter. She has a full time job teaching (she's 27, went away to college, currently lives with a roommate a few towns away from my friend and I), he's entering his 6th year of college as an undergrad (currently only taking online classes now) still undecided on what he wants to do for a living. He does not have any job throughout the school year, only works in the summers.

Now as I'm typing this I'm thinking to myself "How the fuck can I even picture myself dating him?" But hooking up on the other hand, hehe.

 

[KaraBulut]

Now as I'm typing this I'm thinking to myself "How the fuck can I even picture myself dating him?" But hooking up on the other hand, hehe.

The larger picture is that all of these things are his issues. Don't you have enough of your own to focus on without getting sucked into his?

 

[954dude]

Friendship comes first. We've all been attracted to our friends because we love them unconditionally. But it ends there. There's no guarantee it'll work. Sure, sometimes friends become more. But taking the chance isn't always worth it, unless it's mutual.

 

[catee222]

Well between me and him the feelings were obviously nowhere near mutual and I fucked up. Now I'm at the point where I'm not sure how to act around him. It's like anything I will do or say in his presence now will be spread throughout our circle of friends, and perhaps beyond. I feel like I got slapped in the face hard. I'm not sure how to continue the friendship now Do you think he had an idea about my feelings for him?

 

[Lube]

He's 23 and never had a girlfriend, and she's 27 and never been married? And they txt constantly? IMHO, she is--at best--his fag hag, and at worst (not in a negative way, mind you) a lesbian.

I was going to suggest that you come out to him, and give him 6 months to admit he probably likes you (or moves on).

But your admitting that you snooped through his computer (and then having the gall to complain about not being able to trust him!) shows that you need to deal with your own bugaboos before you try going after anybody.

Admit you're gay, find a nice gay guy, feel good about yourself, and move on with your life. Just like everyone else said.

 

[TX-Beau]

I was at his house last night on his computer and happened to have found his AIM chat history files. So while he wasn't looking (other friends were at the house, too so he was distracted by them) I glanced through his chats with his crush, and I feel betrayed (I should've copied/pasted the logs and e-mailed them to myself, but I couldn't stand looking at them). He mentioned to her about the times I bitched to him about texting her, seeing the two of them together, and how I complain about a bunch of things in general among other things. I saw in one convo that he told her he was bored without her when the rest of us were hanging out somewhere. She even noticed that I have given her dirty looks whenever she's with my crush and she hates it that I complain all the time and mentioned she'd punch me in the face if she could, but I didn't see any mention of them thinking I was gay/bi, just a comment she made about me trying to protect him from her. It seems like he's choosing her over me for obvious reasons, but there's nothing I feel I can do/say about reading the logs because he will most likely tell her (and who knows who else), not to mention probably get pissed. Apparently all of my circle of friends have noticed I've been bitching lately and no one said anything about it, they're just talking about it behind my back . I ended up apologizing to everyone online last night for how I've been acting this summer and everyone accepted, but I'm sure deep down they were wondering why I would just randomly apologize.

So in a nutshell, the logs were like a wake-up call to me, and I felt hurt reading them. After I read them, I had little desire to talk to him at his house for the rest of the night and I was spending less time around him than I usually have recently. I'm going to have to distance myself from my crush for a bit because he's not the trusting friend I thought he was, but idk if I want to end the friendship, he's been nothing but nice to me to my face. He didn't tell her he hates me, just that I complain too much. I even told him a few times if he ever has a problem with anything I do to just tell it to my face, but he never does, instead the asshole talks behind my back about it. I really really want to confront him about the logs, I'm not sure what to do. I wish I never started to have a crush on him, it brought nothing but tension between me and my friends.

Ok wrong turn into creepy stalkerville. Don't go through people's correspondence, don't tail them, don't obsessively drive past their houses. You get the picture.

What's that old saw about people eavesdropping rarely hearing anything to their advantage?

Before you get all offended. Consider. You were trying to get between them, you did have a problem with her, and you weren't honest about why. I think it's probably perfectly natural that they discussed it, and got annoyed with it. You pushed yourself into their thing, that'd annoy me too.

How exactly are you going to confront him? When you tell him you read his private correspondence the conversation ends there.

Look, you have to take responsibility for what you did to fuck things up. So far, I have yet to see anything he did that was so god awful terrible, and now you're mad at him because he's reacting to an issue of yours, you won't explain to him, or back away from.

You wanted him, he didn't want you, now he wants a girl. That's one blow for the not wanting you, and another for the completely unattainable. Yeah it sucks ass, yeah it's infuriating, everyone in here sympathizes, we've all been there. But that doesn't mean you get to act like a jealous ass, then absolve yourself of the blame. He's not the one who crossed the line.

Retain your friendship if you can, but seriously, go find some guys who like cock to crush on.

 

[catee222]

You guys are totally right. He should not be blamed for anything. And I'd probably do the same thing if I was him. And like you said TX, confronting him about it will only make things worse so I'm going to keep my mouth shut and pretend I never saw the logs. The best I can do right now is distance myself from him for a bit and hope that we can still remain friends to some degree. And to find a new crush, one who isn't a friend this time.

Actions speak louder than words so I think I'll stop talking about this now. Thanks everyone!

 

[TX-Beau]

Good Luck.