Fell in Love and he doesn't love me back.

[polski]

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/402667-A-Mirage-of-Love

This is a true story of what has happened in the past few months.

And I don't think I have the strength to finish it.

I fell in love with 'Oliver', and I thought he loved me too but all he was doing was joking around and making fun of me and using up my money to pay the bills of our outings.

He is just perfection, I fell in love with his looks, his personality and everything he is; and now it just hurts me that the day I finally decided to confront him about my feelings, he didn't listen and shut me out of his life.

I have been in so much pain because of this; because im here hurting and he is acting like nothing ever changed. I tended to over think and now I lost him and losing the friend I made when I first met Oliver.

I have tried and tried to get him to put me back in his life, we met up one day and I asked him what I would have to do and he said that I would have to give him a blowjob which I did. But it felt like rape, he forced me to deepthroat him 4 times and then shoved me out of the car and drove away. That night he blocked my number, blocked my facebook, whatsapp everything! I have done everything for him; I love him so much and he doesnt even realize it. He is actually a very good person; one of the best personality ever but I guess I was his 'bad' escape from being so good. I always respected and loved him and he just let me down.

I have tried and tried, but I know that both of us will get back together somehow. And I have to be the one to do it. I wish it would happen soon; because I just can't live without him. The only reason why he might be reluctant is that I once had a very bad relationship, and it almost killed me and he found out when my ex walked into a cafe both of us were sitting in and I had a panic attack. He probably thinks I am suicidal and all and that is why he doesn't want me anymore.

I just need to know if there is something I can do, because I know after him I can never try to find love again; and that he is my last. How can I turn things around, I dont want to be his boyfriend, just a part of his life.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm sorry this has happened to you but you're really not looking at this clearly. He's used you and tossed you aside. Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like that? WHY? You have extremely low self esteem and desperately need to see a therapist. I've been down a similar path and it takes a very long time for you to sort this out in your mind. You're going to have good days and bad but right now you need to realize he doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you, he's scum and you deserve better. Someone that loves you wouldn't treat you like he did. Delete his number, his email accounts EVERYTHING that is going to tempt you to reach out to him. In time it will get easier but right now you need to stay away from him and see a therapist.

Steven.

 

[crushinonted]

Listen to Steven. Run and don't look back! Unless you view the abuse of people to be an attractive personality trait, this guy does not have one of the best personalities ever. He is not a good person. There is no way this will ever work out for you. Please stop torturing yourself. You don't have to worry about finding love again, since this was never love. Work on yourself and the right kind of guy will come.

 

[Seasoned]

Socrates had it correct:

"Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it."

The only worse than not being in a relationship with this guy would be to be in a relationship with him. You've fallen for two guys in a row that have mistreated you and a pattern is emerging that is very serious. Low self esteem would cause us to believe we need to say things like, "I'll do anything for you," to a person who would not return that sentiment. You are setting yourself us to be the only giver in relationships and as you've already found out that is dangerous. Having panic attacks when seeing an ex and being throat raped by the guy you are currently interested in needs to be taken very seriously. Somehow you have gotten things backwards. Somehow you have the notion that you have a void that needs to be filled and you try to take a guy and make him fit into that picture. Healthy relationship come about through affection and respect in addition to attraction and excitement. You are allowing one sided attraction and excitement to take control.

Without some type of intervention it seems some people are predisposed to becoming doormats. No healthy person would want that for you. Intervention strategies include heathy role modeling by others, self-help literature and practice exercises, and individual or possibly group therapy. Please begin one or more of these strategies for the sake of your physical and mental health.

 

[racer2438]

a person of perfection does not do these things to people they care about, he seems a user, a poser, and a self centered ass.
Life is to short to dwell on these losers, so as hard as it maybe move on and find someone who really has feelings and respect for you

 

[polski]

It will take time, and it will be hard but I know that I will have to let go of him. After all that has happened; I know he did all these things to get me to leave him. I wish I had realized all this earlier; because I perceived it as something that would die out. At first I believed he had some sort of intimacy issue, and that is why he was keeping me at a distance, because once or twice when I actually did leave him entirely he found a way to bring me back. Something that deep down I wanted and still do; that somehow all this pain could be erased and maybe he would apologize (but his huge ego will never let that happen).

I have had low self esteem issues, but I am working on that now. I have made a friend; someone who gets me out of all of my other friends and understands what is going on with me. I don't have much contact with him, but whenever his name comes up in our mutual friends' conversation it really hurts and I can't tell them why it is so. I texted him on Viber today, but he still hasn't gotten it. And it isn't about how he has hurt me or anything, it is something on a professional level but quite seriously I know that he won't get that 'job' but I am using it as an excuse to meet up with him. Now that I think about it I know it is a bad decision, so I might not end up going along with it. Anyway if it does happen I have every intention of keeping my emotions out, even though it will be very hard.

Everyone is right, he is too horrible a person for me to lose my self respect ever. Not anymore nor ever; I just wish I had another friend who would understand EXACTLY what has been going on. I hope everything goes the best as it can in my life. I just wish I can be happy again and all of this to be a fleeting memory. Thank you everyone for your advice, it means a lot and I hope for your support in the future.

 

[silentalk]

I'll ask you to do this: List all the selfless acts you saw him do that you can remember. And I mean by this acts that needed some sacrifice on his part. Type them and post them here, please. And while you're doing this, stay distant. Don't delve emotionally into the memories. List them as pictures you saw in a yearbook or somewhere, but remain emotionally distant.

Let's have a look.

 

[polski]

You are right silenttalk. There is not a single selfless act that I can remember, and even if there was some; I repaid the favor in the best way possible. This time around I had thought that if I loved someone I would do everything to keep them in my life and by that I mean everything. I did do that but it never changed his opinion of me. He is an asshole and will always be.

I have been hurt so much, and he knew it all the way what he was doing. He is an amazing friend to other people around him, when I told some of his things to his bestfriend he couldn't believe them. I guess I was the bucket he recruited to spit on even though I was the one he should have taken the most care of. The next few days are going to be hard, I just wish they weren't.

 

[silentalk]

You are right silenttalk. There is not a single selfless act that I can remember, and even if there was some; I repaid the favor in the best way possible. This time around I had thought that if I loved someone I would do everything to keep them in my life and by that I mean everything. I did do that but it never changed his opinion of me. He is an asshole and will always be.

I have been hurt so much, and he knew it all the way what he was doing. He is an amazing friend to other people around him, when I told some of his things to his bestfriend he couldn't believe them. I guess I was the bucket he recruited to spit on even though I was the one he should have taken the most care of. The next few days are going to be hard, I just wish they weren't.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. But the important thing for now is that you realized that he's not as great as you thought he was. He might have had the looks and the personality, but for the personality to be perfect the person has to show great strength and morals at the time of hardship. This person showed no morals at all during the time you went through hardship. He might be fun to have around, but who'd like to spend the rest of their lives with someone who only think of their own self?

I don't know what his friends think of him, but if he did this to you, he'd do it to others.

When we're in love, we tend to blow things out of proportion about the subject of our affection. In your case you see him as the perfect person. I'm sorry to say this, but he's not. And yes, the next few days will be tough. Hang in there and look forward to meeting the person who'd really take care of you.

 

[polski]

Sometimes I think it is my fault and that I came on too strongly and he didn't want that. He still is everything I had dreamed of, I just wish he hadn't shunned me. It just hurts whenever there is a mention of him, but at the same time I want to talk and think about him. I have no idea what to do, how could he have done this to me? I mean he had made it really clear in the beginning that he liked me and I just reciprocated and then he just went cold.

How could a person be so cruel to me, he knew that I was sensitive and that I had been through a lot. Yet at the same moment he just left me out cold and alone? It just hurts, over and over again. I don't feel anger or hatred, I just feel pain this time. I got over my last bad experience when I was with him. I just felt safe with him, when he held me or touched me. I would do anything to feel that again, because I just sometimes feel like if we could fix things I would do them. I just know that I won't find someone I want ever again, I am just lost in his love. He is not the best, but he is better than most out there.

Sometimes I think he is a sort of a sadist. The moment it got sexual he just got more aggressive or verbally abusive, while at other times he was perfectly normal. He told me that he had found me very attractive and that before me it had been a long time before he had felt that way. Maybe that is why he had forced me to deepthroat him. I feel ashamed for all that I did for him and the fool I made of myself. Maybe if I had held my front he would have respected me more but I just let him step over me like I was an old doormat.

 

[silentalk]

Listen to me... it's not your fault. It's his, and his alone. I know that life might seem pointless right now, but it's not. I've been there. A lot of people have been there.

I've loved a person who didn't love me back for 4 years. He's still a good friend of mine. He used to be crazy about me in the past, but not anymore. He turned out straight. Yup, he's attracted to women now, but he loved me a long time ago. And once his feelings for me no longer existed, I decided I loved him. An extremely stupid move on my part. I waited for more than 4 years for him to regain his feelings. Sometimes he was just a jerk; some other times he was more of an angel. But most of the time he just ignored/neglected me, which resulted in an indescribable amount of pain. The point is this: his neglect ate at my self-esteem to the point that when I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. I didn't enjoy anything in life. I had suicidal thoughts, although I never seriously thought of killing myself.

Then, things changed. My optimism suddenly returned. Within a couple of months I was a new man. I don't know how, it just happened. I just kept praying, and now I'm good.

Listen, I know you want him badly. I know it feels like suffocating right now. Just distract yourself with anything that isn't self-destructive. Exercise, play games, meditate, pray, hangout with friends, go to college, find a new hobby. Just keep busy and life will slowly return.

 

[polski]

My self esteem has been hurt, but it was hurt from a very long time. After my last boyfriend and I had the worst falling out possible I wanted to kill myself. I didn't realize that I was suicidal till a few months ago and then I tried to change myself. The reason why I am so attached to him at the moment is that spending time with him and knowing that he was there was probably the only I got over everything that had happened to me in the past. He doesn't know that yet. It feels a lot like suffocating, I don't want any revenge or to show him off but I just want things to get better. With or without him, I am more than willing to forgive once again if he can prove that he can treat me better.

The worst part is that I don't want to move on, because I know then there won't be a chance for us anymore. I can not believe how stupid I sound when I say this but I just don't think I can live without him. It is okay if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me but not even being friends? He has literally shunned me for being so nice and co-operative with him and doing everything that he wanted.

I'm sorry if I am showing a lot of ambivalence and probably even thinking negative thoughts that are hampering my recovery. But I feel a lot better when I write all of my feelings down over here.

 

[silentalk]

Then keep doing that. If it makes you feel better, and it should, then keep writing, and someone (myself included) will keep trying to offer help and support!

And if you really want things to get better you can do it by tomorrow, but it'll have to be without him. However, you said it yourself: you don't want to move on. And I understand. No one wants to leave their source of happiness behind and move on. After some time, you'll realize that he became the source of your suffering and not happiness. When that happens, you'll be able to move on. What you're going through now... think of it as a cleansing phase, a transformation period. It's a painful process for the human body to get rid of all the toxins it's been addicted to for so long. The same is with the heart. The cleansing would be tough, but when it's done, you'll be a new person.

Let it all out. Write down all your positive and negative feelings. We're all here for you

 

[chace1617]

i totally understand what you feel and what you're going through. my ex boyfriended treated me like shit but i still miss him still love him still can't live without him even though he dumped for someone else. he broke my heart but i can not stop loving him. it's weird why people treat us like shit but we keep loving me? what i am advicing you to do is to forget him. this is probably what i should do. when someone treats you like this he doesn't love you he doesn't care about you he doesn't deserve your love. i know how hard it is believe me but do it for yourself, move on find someone who deserves you.

 

[polski]

I wake up everyday thinking about him. It just hurts to just imagine how we can never be what I want us to be. I can't move on and quite clearly I don't think I can find anyone who is as good as him. If only he had treated me like he treated his friends, I would probably not have been hurt if we were still friends.

It just hurts, and there is no other way to say it. He never kissed me on the lips, and sometimes all I can think about is what it would feel like if he did. I just can't stop wishing things were different. The prime source of my pain is his indifference. He doesn't hate me, he is doing something much worse and that is the source of the problem. He is happy without me and he knows that I am suffering without him.

All I can do is try, but I know that it will be even more painful to leave him than keep on waiting for him. I just wish there was a way he would meet up with me so atleast we could get some closure. But he doesn't even read my texts, he doesn't want to see me all because I cared so much about him that I lost my self respect? This has to be the worst experience of my life, because I did everything I could and somehow it wasn't enough for him.

 

[chace1617]

you have to understand that this person is not suitable for you, he makes you sad, never care for someone who makes you sad.people who care for us want us to be happy. you have to move on it's in your hand, you are going to meet someone who will care for you and you're gonna feel so much better with him. if he doesn't want you in his life there is no reason to push a way in. my breaking up and the way he treated me my ex boyfriend was the worst experience of my life. the pain was huge but helped me understand that he just was using me for fun, he wasn't just that into me. he instanly replaced me with the next available person. who wants this kind of treatemnent from someone? who accepts being treated like this, you are a person with feelings and dignity and don't let anyone make you forget that. just move on, a life is out there waiting for you. you know what? a romance is a big part of our life but it's not the only part. life is bigger than this. i know how shitty it is realising all these things but you need to find someone who respects you and accepts you for what you are. it's ok to try and adjust your personality to his when you really like someone but don't lose yourself in it. you can not change who he is, are you sure you're gonna be happy even if he lets you be in his life? are you sure you're gonna feel the same in 5 years?

 

[Rolyo85]

What people often fail to recognize is that there is tremendous power in words. Not just the words you say or the words you write, but the words you THINK. Our minds are an empty canvas and the words we use to describe our experiences paint vastly different pictures on it.

LOVE is a strong word. Possibly one of the strongest there are. And to ME, it is something deep, mutual something mature and aware, something that both sides build for a long time, compromise for and nurture.

Love is hard to achieve and even harder to uproot once it's there.

So why do you use that word to describe something that hurts you? If you want to get over this, call it for what it is - infatuation, want, fixation. Those are words you can USE, words you can work with. Words that can help you overcome depression and get over a guy who is just not interested. And ultimately, since to me love is always a mutual feeling - those words are also far more accurate. And because they hold FAAAAAR less romanticism, they allow you to move on in a healthy way.

Save the L word for people and situations that are worth it

 

[polski]

I can not tell you how much relief it is to be able to hear all of your comments, if the only way I am slightly feeling better it is because of you guys and I can't thank you enough for that.

Maybe it wasn't Love, it was just an infatuation.

Still the last thing I want is to let him go. I thought about it a lot and I would much rather be his friend than anything less or even more. I suppose that is one negative idea still stuck in my head.

All along the day I start to feel better but I dream about him every night, and every dream has an intimate moment where he is either hugging me or holding me and I just feel something I have never felt elsewhere. And then I wake up every morning with the worst heartache and this has been going on for quite a few days now. This is the only setback I have, and waking up is the most painful part of the day.

 

[silentalk]

I'm really glad to know you feel better. Really, it means loads to me, and I'm sure other people here feel the same way, including Chace.

Letting go is very hard indeed. In fact, it's one of the most difficult things in life. People change forever when their loved ones die. Some even don't survive and die shortly afterwards. That's love. The thing is, in your case, the amount of love wasn't equal on both sides. So this unbalances the equation, and the result is this: You shouldn't suffer as much as those who had mutual amount of love. You might, but you shouldn't. Once you realize that there's someone else more worthy of your affection, then the despair will be replaced by joy.

I, too, didn't believe I could be over the one I loved. I thought I'd die loving him. Moreover, I thought that my love for him would be the cause of my death. Things changed. I still do love him very much, in a way, but he's not the cause of my happiness or sadness anymore. I moved on, and hopefully soon you will too.

 

[Rolyo85]

This is just holding on to hope that it WILL become more. It's like alcoholism - you don't deal with it by drinking "a lot but not too much", you deal with it by NOT drinking AT ALL.

As long as you have ANY feelings for the guy, trying to be with him in ANY capacity is just scratching the itch, aggravating it. Refusing to let a wound heal. If you want to move on at all, you need to cut him off from your life, tough as it might be.