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Female best friend started dating homophobic soldier

H

harlodude

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Hi,

I have been feeling pretty down lately regarding my best friend's decision to start a relationship with someone she described as very homophobic. She immediately said I will work that out of him though when she told me this.

She hasn't seen him much since the start of the relationship as he is a soldier and was training abroad. He has recently returned so the issue has come to my mind again. He is from the Carribean. They have been dating since the end of July, with him just returning back from an 8 week training program abroad

I don't meet a lot of gay people so thought I would post on here to see if I my feelings were unreasonable.. it's getting to the stage where I may have to say something as it is hard to pretend to be interested or w/e

We have been best friends for approx. 9 years since age 13 and are extremely close.

Also, she is black and I am white so the equivalent is me seeing her one day and telling me about my new boyfriend and how amazing he is but oh he hates black people. I'm working on that though.

I don't know.. thoughts and comments please?
 
Well, have you actually met the guy? Have you experienced his homophobia first hand? She could just be exaggerating some offhand remark he made, or a dumb joke.

With that said, if he is in fact homophobic and unwilling to accommodate his gf's best friend, I'd question her taste in men, but other than that there isn't much you can do other than distancing yourself a bit from her. Don't make it about "either him or me", but make it clear that you would rather keep your distance as you feel uncomfortable with the situation. It's nobody's "fault" but it's in her control to decide how to proceed from there.
 
Rolyo hit it pretty much dead center. Be prepared to spend a lot less time with her.

Spending time with him MIGHT result in him changing his mind. MIGHT! But if he's really a serious 'phobe, it won't.

I would not avoid him, but that's me, and I tend to jump first and look later. Anyway, you can bet that if he's a 'phobe, he won't want you hanging around in the first place. He may tolerate you hanging around with her, but maybe not.
 
Oh yeah, i understand how you feel vis-a-vis the racist argument, and you are perfectly justified in your feelings - how would a black person respond if you said to them - "...well I met this really great dude, but, ya know, he's just a little bit in the Klan, but don't worry, I'll talk to him about it..."

SHIT would fly.

It's not fair and it's not right but homophobia is still more acceptable than racism, even among people who aren't 'phobes. So you probably shouldn't go there with her unless you want a fight about it.

Sucks, I know.
 
No one can change anyone other than themselves. Bringing up the fact that you're not dating a racist really isn't fair. Would you date a racist if she weren't in your life? I hope not, just like I hope she wouldn't date a homophobe for her sake. In a way this has nothing to do with you or him. For the sake of romance she is apparently willing to compromise her principles and even fantasize about possibly having children with someone who would teach hate and possibly be a threat to any of their gay kids.
 
Your friend and her boyfriend have just started dating. Given his background, chances are that there will be issues in the relationship. You might be wise to wait it out.

As they begin to actually spend time in the same city, chances are that his conservative beliefs will be his undoing... and the undoing of his relationship with your friend.
 
Hi,

Thanks for all the responses. I haven't done anything yet but just wanted to see how others would feel. Nice to know that my feelings aren't unreasonable.

After all of our years of close friendship (I have seen her nearly every day, including several Christmas holidays plus foreign holidays, during the past nine years, am heavily integrated with her close & extended family) I guess I just see it as a bit disrespectful.
 
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