Fiance left me out of the blue and I don't know what to do

[CTorontoC]

My fiance of two years (Im 25 he's 20) just left me last night out of the blue. We'd been together in what I thought was the most wonderful relationship two people could have. We rarely fought and when we did it was brief and usually very well resolved. We didn't lie or have secrets, we saw each other every day from the time we met even though we didn't live together. We were planning on moving in together at the beginning of december too. Some time ago he became depressed as a result of an anxiety problem he didn't know he had. He let it go for a long time but then when he started to miss work and drop courses he finally agreed to get medical help.

I took him to doctors, and waited hours with him at an emergency room crisis centre. He got some ativan and then his gp prescribed cymbalta as his day to day pill. After starting cymbalta, about a month ago he seemed to be improving. Then one night he seemed really bad so I tried to get out of him what was making him feel bad. He said he wasn't sure about us. I was in shock and tried to understand why but he didn't have a good explanation really. I told him I couldn't be in limbo so he had to decide one way or another. Of course, I wanted to keep him, I love him more than anything in this world, but I didn't want him to be with me if he didn't want to be. He said he couldn't live without me and we went on. A week or so later a similar thing happened. This time I asked him if it would be the last time and he said, yes, for sure, sorry about my craziness.

Swing around to last night. I thought things had definitely been good lately. We'd been doing a lot together, and having a good time but again last night he seemed really down. I asked him what was wrong and eventually he unleashed the Im not sure about us thing again and ultimately ended up deciding that last night was the last night. I told him Id be here if he changed his mind, after humiliating myself by begging which is not something I do often. He said there is no one else, which I believe since he didnt have time to be off with someone, and he said I was still attractive to him, he just didn't care about the relationship as he used to.

My initial thought was that this was just another symptom of anxiety and depression and I suggested trying a new medication since cymbalta wasn't working before doing anything drastic. He said I'd never done anything wrong and that no one could love like I love. He was resolute though. He wanted me to be civil after that though and hug and kiss him goodbye or something but all I wanted was for him to be gone so I could break down. As he left he said he hoped I could forgive him enough one day to be friends again.

I don't know where to put myself. I spent 10 hours in the hospital waiting for 3 clonazepam to calm me down but truthfully it doesn't help. My heart is broken, I miss him terribly and I don't know what to do with myself. A lot of my plans for the future had centred around being with him and now all of those plans can't be realized, at least not the same way.

Im not sure what Im asking for here, other than opinions on what might have happened. I know he was young, but he didn't act that way and let's be honest, lots of couples marry young and do just fine so age can't be the excuse. How do you get over the person you valued most in all the world? How does one ever love again? I don't think I will ever be able to again, it wont feel real.

My friends and family have tried their best to help but nothing makes it feel better.

 

[palemale]

Many people get married at 20 and have long-term fulfilling marriages. I would hazard a guess, however, that the vast majority of marriages that occur between people in their early twenties fail. Most twenty-somethings have a lot of living to do before they settle down.

It doesn't sound like you (or him) did anything wrong. People change, and what they want in life or a partner, changes. This is especially true of very young people. He isn't ready for a long-term relationship, and there is nothing you could have done to make him ready for it.

Sorry for the painful period you are going through. You are obviously a very good and caring person. But understand that there is another guy out there right now who is ready for a long term relationship with a caring and loving guy, and your paths will cross, you will fall in love, and you will forget that you every had an unhappy moment.

 

[racer2438]

Sorry this happened, but I think some time may be needed to see what happeneds. Give him a few days and then call him, or see him in person and just ask him that you would just like to talk. Ask the questions you need to find out were your both at. It may not be what you may what to hear, but at least you will know.

His medication may need to be adjusted, check with his family if you are close and out to them they may know something.

Hard to see how he could change just over night but hope it just the med's.

Try to get out so your not dwelling on it all day, try to relax, be realistic, be hopeful.

Wish you good luck, hope the best....

 

[onetwothreefour]

My first guess based on reading this—which means I don't really know you or your ex-fiance—is that you are both mentally . . . I am trying to think of the right word. Mentally not settled, I'll say. And that the mental energy that is not settled is manifesting itself in your relationship. When you say he was depressed over an anxiety disorder he didn't know he had—I don't know what that means— but I am assuming that the freneticness both of you are feeling has to do with real things going on in your lives as much as it does a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. I don't think that anxiety disorder exists in a vacuum as a straight-up medical disorder separate from the fact that he is struggling with not wanting to be with you but is engaged to you--that sounds like high anxiety. And there is something going on behind the scenes with both of you that would makes you all experience anxiety in that way.

When I had mental illness, it manifested in panic attacks, OCD, etc. And there were issues and family dynamics that caused me to have anxiety, which then came out in those ways. It seems like whatever issues you all have as individuals is simply coming out as relationship problems. So I might encourage you to look at the relationship problems as symptoms of feelings and fears you have, rather than as the problem itself--even though I know it feels like it's the big problem. What in life do you desire and what in life are you afraid of? I can't do therapy here, but the answers to questions like that are probably what drive you and your fiance to have anxiety that manifests itself as relationship problems.

I have a couple of questions. How did you end up in a hospital being given klonopin? You sort of glossed over that. But that's kind of a big deal. It's just surprising to me in that I have gotten mental health treatment for over 15 years and it's always been in a non-emergency setting. I knock on wood I haven't need emergency care. But it seems like both you and your fiance recently got emergency care for mental health issues--but is that the only mental health care you all are getting? I am not a strong advocate of drug-based therapies, but weekly therapy with a PhD or PsyD psychologist might be a really good self-care move for both of you.

If you can't help him, at least take care of yourself.

 

[CTorontoC]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

I spoke to him again tonight and he seemed pretty sure about it. He was incredibly cold which almost made it easier for me to deal with.

In regards to the previous post, I personally have had an anxiety problem for several years which arose out of a bad car accident I had during school. Started on medications to control it a few years ago and have had it under control since then. His issue was long standing but never manifested itself to great enough a degree to hamper his life. He got an HPV wart on the inside of his penis late in the summer which he had to have removed and it was around that time that it all started to surface. He also has a lot of family issues.

I loved him with everything I had and I felt that at least if there was a problem we should try to do something to fix it. I really hoped it was just the meds but the way he sounded tonight .... I dont know. I feel like the best thing I can do right now is try to find someone new if not to replace him as a lover at least as a best friend. Im incredibly lonely now, despite my parents best efforts and the help of the few friends I have left.

As far as the clonazepam goes it just controls the anxiety when it overwhelms me and last night I could barely breathe and felt like vomiting repeatedly. I tried to sleep tonight and even with the clonazepam it isn't happening. Too much to remind me of him. It's incredibly hard.

 

[Tee-Jay]

It sounds to me that you guys were involved in a relationship whereby you fed and thrived off each other's insecurities. Which in essence is quite toxic and relationships of this manner never really work out. It seems to me that you both have issues with insecurities, but rather than address them head on, you both felt that a relationship could cure it in some way. Before you can commit to another, you have to commit to self. I know it must be heartwrenching and may feel like it's hard to breathe, but it gets better. Take each day one at a time and little by little the sun will seemingly start shining again. You should never put all you hopes and dreams in another person, because if it doesn't work out then what do you have left? I think it is important to remember that you had your own identity whilst you were single and you should try to preserve some aspect of this regardless of your relationship status. To be in a healthy relationship, one has to be in a healthy mindset themselves. I wish you all the best and remember it gets better.

 

[Eagle653]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I know it's very hard. Even though it sounds trite, it does get easier with time. As time passes, and you experience life without him, less and less will remind you of him and it won't feel like your heart is being ripped out and your stomach is in your throat forever.

Based just on what you wrote, I suspect he's been planning this bolt for some time, and I also suspect that his bouts of depression and anxiety revolved around that decision that he gradually made over a long time. His being cold was a protection mechanism so he wouldn't backslide into you again--and it appears to have helped you too.

As much as possible be away from him--try not to see him or talk to him. Be separated and keep up your normal routines. I will eventually get easier, I promise.

Hang in there. These are among the hardest things we have to go through. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[CTorontoC]

Does no one think finding someone new is a good way to get over the old? It feels like the right thing to do but pretty much everyone says it's not a good idea. I dont like being alone though.

 

[Croynan]

[COLOR ="Gray"]
i think you need to re-read your current thread and one you posted recently called "3somes in a LTR? " {Dec. 2009) and
i would suggest the other members read them also. i think they relate well as to what is going on with OP and his (late) fiance.

eM[/COLOR]

 

[TX-Beau]

Finding someone new can help, but only if you found them for themselves.

Replacing someone never works.

You know what I think? I think he was very young. No sometimes they don't act that way, but young is young, and you're not exactly Methuselah either.

Frankly it sounds to me like he wanted out for awhile and just didn't have the experience to minimize the damage on the way.

 

[racer2438]

Jumping into another relationship is the last thing I think you should do, You need to time to heal, gather your self up, get your ducks in row, get your life somewhat in order, get priorities in line. But most important you need to time to heal from this.

Rebounding into another guy would be a distraction on healing. Now going out and being with friends would be good but really thing for you. Look in the mirror do you really think that you are really ready to jump into another relationship w/o first knowing what really went wrong with this, since it was out of the blue, you missed some very important signals for this to happen.

so get your self healed, heathly, and back on track first, you have pleanty of time to find the next mister right for you.

Wishing you well, good luck..

 

[mbamike]

You need time alone to heal from this relationship. The emotions involved in the breakup of a committed relationship is similar to the death of a beloved family member. Take this time to grieve and heal. Someone else will come along in due time.

 

[Telstra]

can i see his "HPV wart on the inside of his penis" ?



just joking, carry on ...

 

[CTorontoC]

Thanks folks, I don't think Im gonna jump into another Romance no matter how much it feels like it would help me. The rational part of me knows it's probably folly. I just spent all my time with him and now I need to find other things to do with myself and my friend pool isnt what it used to be. He seems very committed to being friends which is what he did with his last ex and indeed it was his last ex (57 yrs old) he ran to for comfort when he left.

Im just not sure whether being friends could ever be healthy given that I didn't stop loving him the way he did me. ??

As for the wart, it was pretty gross and I went through it with him beginning to surgery to recovery just in time for him to kick my ass to the curb heh.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Depression/Anxiety issues makes people behave erratically. It sounds to me he has a chemical imbalance for his emotions and behavior. It's unfortunate, but your partner is a bit of a broken young man. Hopefully, he will find balance someday in his life.

Give yourself time to heal. Don't rush into anything soon.

 

[CTorontoC]

Im feeling quite a bit better now but I'm wondering whether his offer to stay friends, "still family," as he put it is a good idea. From my perspective, when I was with him I was never comfortable with how close he was with his ex and I can only imagine that being compounded for him if he dates again. It'd also be a shadow following me around when I start dating again. At the same time, both of us relied on each other for entertainment and we did get along to the last minutes. ... I know I can't do it now, but is it something I should even consider for the future?

 

[TX-Beau]

Once you really let go, sure. But not now, and probably not for awhile.

You need space, and frankly, it's not very considerate of him to expect you to be his best buddy right after he walked out.

Time for some you time. That doesn't involve him.

 

[TX-Beau]

On a separate note, OK, so if you had problems with him and his ex when you were dating, well, that may or may not mean anything.

If could have been just you, however, if he intends to make it a habit of being best friends with all of his ex's, hmmmmm. I've never seen that one before - and that's pretty hard to accomplish.

If I was dating him and he was best friends with plural ex's, I'd red flag that.

I don't know, and anyway, it doesn't matter. He's out and that's that. Every time I was in your situation, I pretty much headed into full distraction mode. What that means to you is probably going to be very different that what that meant for me, but you might try it.

 

[bankside]

No, it is not a good idea to stay friends. You knew how you wanted him in your life. And "friends" wasn't it. A person can't go from being your fiancé to being your friend.

If you can't have the relationship you once both planned, then in my honest opinion, "strangers" is better than "friends."

It is a concern that his decision came so soon after taking medications that change the way he thinks. It might make it feel like a medical error, a medical tragedy, and that this isn't "the way it is supposed to be." It might make you second-guess whether this is what he really wants. But the bottom line is, a) he doesn't want the relationship to continue or b) he is unable to have the relationship continue because of his health.

And now you have to think of your health. You were right when you said you can't wait for months in suspense to see what his next mood is. It is a miserable situation and I'm sorry to hear you are in it. But that does not give anybody a free pass to distract themselves by running into a relationship with the next likely candidate who comes along. Take some time being single, because you owe it to the man you eventually go out with to put this behind you now. You can't drag it with you into a new relationship, and you can't get through it overnight either. So make use of your time being single to heal from a bad situation, and regain your strength and composure. Enjoy the solitude even.

Then if and when a guy comes along who sparks your interest, you'll be yourself, and you'll be free (not just free at the moment, but free of your past), to enjoy his company.

 

[getoverit]

I just do not think he was ready to settle down, he is only 20. He needs to get out there and live life. Also people change, it has happened to me before and it sucks.

I would not just jump into something to get over him because then you hurt that person who ultimately is looking for love as well.