Fiance left me out of the blue and I don't know what to do

[JackFTwist]

My fiance of two years (Im 25 he's 20) just left me last night out of the blue. We'd been together in what I thought was the most wonderful relationship two people could have. We rarely fought and when we did it was brief and usually very well resolved. We didn't lie or have secrets, we saw each other every day from the time we met even though we didn't live together. We were planning on moving in together at the beginning of december too. Some time ago he became depressed as a result of an anxiety problem he didn't know he had. He let it go for a long time but then when he started to miss work and drop courses he finally agreed to get medical help.

I took him to doctors, and waited hours with him at an emergency room crisis centre. He got some ativan and then his gp prescribed cymbalta as his day to day pill. After starting cymbalta, about a month ago he seemed to be improving. Then one night he seemed really bad so I tried to get out of him what was making him feel bad. He said he wasn't sure about us. I was in shock and tried to understand why but he didn't have a good explanation really. I told him I couldn't be in limbo so he had to decide one way or another. Of course, I wanted to keep him, I love him more than anything in this world, but I didn't want him to be with me if he didn't want to be. He said he couldn't live without me and we went on. A week or so later a similar thing happened. This time I asked him if it would be the last time and he said, yes, for sure, sorry about my craziness.

Swing around to last night. I thought things had definitely been good lately. We'd been doing a lot together, and having a good time but again last night he seemed really down. I asked him what was wrong and eventually he unleashed the Im not sure about us thing again and ultimately ended up deciding that last night was the last night. I told him Id be here if he changed his mind, after humiliating myself by begging which is not something I do often. He said there is no one else, which I believe since he didnt have time to be off with someone, and he said I was still attractive to him, he just didn't care about the relationship as he used to.

My initial thought was that this was just another symptom of anxiety and depression and I suggested trying a new medication since cymbalta wasn't working before doing anything drastic. He said I'd never done anything wrong and that no one could love like I love. He was resolute though. He wanted me to be civil after that though and hug and kiss him goodbye or something but all I wanted was for him to be gone so I could break down. As he left he said he hoped I could forgive him enough one day to be friends again.

I don't know where to put myself. I spent 10 hours in the hospital waiting for 3 clonazepam to calm me down but truthfully it doesn't help. My heart is broken, I miss him terribly and I don't know what to do with myself. A lot of my plans for the future had centred around being with him and now all of those plans can't be realized, at least not the same way.

Im not sure what Im asking for here, other than opinions on what might have happened. I know he was young, but he didn't act that way and let's be honest, lots of couples marry young and do just fine so age can't be the excuse. How do you get over the person you valued most in all the world? How does one ever love again? I don't think I will ever be able to again, it wont feel real.

My friends and family have tried their best to help but nothing makes it feel better.

I bolded the problem areas. Chiefly, you didn't give the guy time: you couldn't be in limbo sop you pressed him with an ultimatum. What is wrong with indecision? It is a part of life. Pushing someone to decide something so major right now 'because I can't be in limbo' is selfish and bound to fail anyway.

A lot of meds seem to be flying about this too.

Give people time to make decisions when they are ready. You can't have human beings in this box or that box. Sometimes they are out of the box, seeking to discernty their own feelings. To push for an answer now because "I can't be in limbo' will get the answer that type of ultimatum deserves/

 

[Tee-Jay]

Hey fellow Torontonian, I would strongly advise you to run and never look back at this guy. It seems to me that your ex and his ex aren't merely friends. Speaking from experience I know that it may seem like remaining friends with an ex is a good thing, but it depends on the situation. Based on your situation you should just break all ties and make a fresh start because I get the feeling that you are still holding out on the idea that you can win him back sometime. In life we can control many things, but one thing which we have no control over is another person's feelings and emtions. In my last relationship my ex was carrying out with his ex at the same time with me. I found out about and still stayed with him because I thought I could outdo the other guy, which ultimately served no purpose as it made me miserable. Our actions show people how we wanted to be treated and I wanted more for myself. It took a while to register but I knew that I had to walk away from the entire situation because I no longer knew what I was fighting for. Here I was going all out for a guy who wanted to have his cake and eat it to. It even got to the point where he even told me that he felt like he had two boyfriends. It was that moment that shook me back into reality. I was no longer resigned to be foolish in love, I chose to extricate myself from the entire situation and heal my broken heart. Thus I decided that I wanted to find someone to love me for me without compromise. While I am single at the moment I am happier than I have been in a long time because I know my worth and I refuse to settle. I wish that you would wake up and realize that you have so much to offer the right person and that not everyone that enters your life is meant to stay in it. Some are merely meant to pass through to teach us lessons about ourselves. Good luck and I am here for you. One Torontonian reaching out to another.

 

[genthree]

spend some time apart and go off all your medication and dump the shrinks as well. I don't know why you think drugs (prescription) are the solution to everything. If you had an accident a few years ago you should be over it by now, you have plenty more challenges ahead in your life so you should overcome each one and move on - get ready for the next one.
How many drugs do you think you will be on by the time you turn 40?
In the end, in our lives, we have to solve all our problems ourselves.
It might sound harsh, but I think you have to man up and move on.
As for another relationship - no.
As for the boy friend, just let everything ride.
Good luck, take up a physical sport.

 

[altlover85]

spend some time apart and go off all your medication and dump the shrinks as well. I don't know why you think drugs (prescription) are the solution to everything. If you had an accident a few years ago you should be over it by now, you have plenty more challenges ahead in your life so you should overcome each one and move on - get ready for the next one.
How many drugs do you think you will be on by the time you turn 40?
In the end, in our lives, we have to solve all our problems ourselves.
It might sound harsh, but I think you have to man up and move on.
As for another relationship - no.
As for the boy friend, just let everything ride.
Good luck, take up a physical sport.

Horrible advice.

I wouldn't dump the shrinks or the meds. If you are going to go off medications that is something you need to talk to your doctor about. I'm not someone that advocates medications, but they do work for some people.

Your accident may take some time to get over. CTorontoC, I would take as much time as you need, but at the same time don't let this accident overcome you.

As far as solving everything yourself, while that is ultimately true (in that no one can make you make the changes you need to make in your life to improve it) support from others is a good thing as is counseling from a third party.

Don't worry about manning up. You should work on yourself and doing what is best for you.

Exercise is usually a good thing, but seeing as how I don't know if you do exercise or not and that's not even really the point of the thread, I didn't think it was worth mentioning.

 

[CTorontoC]

Thanks for the comments. In the intervening period he's done some pretty bad things to me including stealing some clothes, and one particularly bad phone call. I cut all ties with him after he didn't respond to a message asking to meet one last time to settle things calmly. I told him I didn't want to walk away from things hating him but he never got back and I didn't contact him again after that. He's had some pretty insane stuff up on his facebook from what my mutual friends have shown me and it looks like he's gone off the deep end.

On the bright side, I'm getting back into the shape I was in before I met him and made fast food a regular thing, I'm making 3 - 4x as much money as I was with him and 3 separate people told me it's as though I was just released from a jail. I feel like I dodged a bullet at this point and while it hurt a bit in the moment, what he did ultimately made it easier for me to get over. He has a lot of issues and he needs to work them out. I realized I was feeling less and less stressed, even more so than before the break up and I realized I was no longer worrying about him constantly. I hadn't realized how much of my own life I'd given up to develop the relationship.

I'm taking a break from dating for the time being, because as time has gone on I feel less desperate to have another person in my life. Im taking the time to rebuild my own life before I take someone else into it. Once Im moved I figure enough time will have passed and I'll be good to go and in a better environment for dating.