Yeah, I'm with KB. I'm all for you coming out, but I don't think this is a direct cause-effect thing. If your depression is that severe, you'd best be doing your damnedest to get back on top of it.
Lex
I really don't want to go into the intimate details because it would take me a while to write it all out, I'll admit it wasn't just being gay that had me on ropes end but its now become the final stumbling block in my path. How can I say this...to put it simply I had pretty tough childhood, my dad was on drugs and scared the shit out of me and mom, and within the midst of all that I was constantly being bullied in school because I was effeminate (I always fought back which got me into a lot of trouble), I was able to pull through it because I lived in a big suburban area and the kids within the neighborhood loved me for being the tomgirl of the group. As time went by my parents ended up fighting and separating, a year after their separation my dad died. My mom and me ended living with her mother and three sisters for three years. Turns out her sisters were Satan incarnate, they would always pick fights and argue over stupid shit daily. All during this time I was still being verbally abused at school but because I now lived in a rural area with my mom there was no one for me to communicate with and the teachers with whom I reported the harassment to blamed me for it and told me that not everyone has to like me and said they were ashamed of me for whining and that showed a lack of maturity, I didn't even want friends anymore, only mutual respect is what I asked for. Anyway after my mom got back on her feet financially she moved out, we moved to a different city to start over the right way. Well by now I had become a pretty reserved kid and starting having horrible anxiety issues and trouble keeping focused in class, the problem was that I didn't know how to express how I felt and teachers wrote me off as someone who was slow, lazy, or a person who just didn't care about school to begin with, before all this I was a honor roll/Straight A student, I didn't know what was happening but for some reason I just couldn't "reach" into thought as well as before. When high school rolled around my speech was a little off, I could say words correctly but was so nervous that I would start to stutter or become very shaky (I was afraid to speak, and also realized that I liked men and my way of hiding it was to become invisible). When I graduated I was a total train wreck, lost confused, and deeply hurt even though I managed to graduate with a B average, I couldn't get past the pain I endured as a child and also the memories that I will never be able to capture (Pretty much regular teenage stuff, late night calls, prom, and just doing plain old stupid shit.) College rolled around I was feeble, withdrawn, and torn. I watched everyone else grow and become adults while I was left behind.
All this is just a short version of what I went through but even so I blame myself for being to afraid to come forward and talk about my problems with the people around me. Its not like I couldn't have had friends but I had become to frightened to do anything. Now I have matured to the point where I will not let my past problems hold me back. Even though there was plenty of drama at home, a lot of the tension and anger was rarely directed towards me, I was able to move past my dads death, the fighting, and bickering. What upset so much was how I was disrespected constantly because my gender expression was not that of the average boy, so I decided to hide and never let people see my true self. I blame myself really for all of my problems, I should have told someone who did care about my well being, I wasn't mistreated by everyone, and their were those who wanted to hold my hand and help me open up but I was afraid they would turn their back. Anyway all of this has become a whole bunch of blah now, time to move on. I have seen two therapists but I couldn't be honest about anything nor continue could pay the their hourly rates. Anti-depressants did not help either but exercising and coming to terms with who I am. Self-loathing and stressing is becoming a thing of the past, life is to short to be worried about what other people think. All I need to do now is totally immerse myself within my interests and hobbies to become a person who has something to give to other people other than just needless emotional baggage. I'm just tired of playing the victim, there is no reason why I can't control my own life.
