Financial Stress in a Relationship

[JUBber-X]

I posting this to vent a little bit, but also to get some advice/opinions:

Recently in my relationship (of over two years), it's been stressful because I'm covering a lot of the expenses and he's not really able to. He's able to pay his share of the rent and pitch in what he can, but I'm paying for most of the expenses like food, phone, and sometimes he needs to borrow money for things like gas money or a part to fix his car (which doesn't happen too often).

One of the biggest issues why he's not doing well financially is because awhile back, his car broke down and he had to take it in to get fixed. He didn't have the money to pay to get it fixed, so he took out a pay day loan, that is now screwing him over. He's been trying to pay it off by paying what he can, but it just goes back up. The only way he can really pay it off is to use his tax return when he gets it.

Also, awhile ago he was marrried to a woman and had a few kids. They're divorced and his ex-wife is living in a different state with the kids. He pays child support, and that means some of is income goes to that instead of us.

It's been making me upset because I feel like he's not making the best decisions. I know money isn't the most important thing, but it just feels very stressful not being as financially secure as I would like to.

We've been keeping track of what he owes for his part of the expences (food, bills, etc.) and he owes my about $900. Athough that sound like a lot, about half of that is from when he tried changing the faucet for the kitchen sink and broke the water valve, which cause some flooding and damages to our apartment. I had to pay for it at the time and he said he'll pay it off.

I don't think I'm being irrational, it's just been hard not having much spending money because I'm paying for what he can't pay. Sometimes we've been cuting it very close and barely make rent. Not sure what to do to improve the situation.

 

[TX-Beau]

Don't beat yourself up, what you're feeling is perfectly natural. It's good to vent too.

Advice? well, If you're in this for the long haul, you vent a lot to your friends or in here, then suck it up until things get better.

If he's doing his best, and you love, and are committed to him, it's just one of those bad times you have to work through.

If he's not making the best decisions, how would he react to you giving him advice? Would he take it, resent it?

This is just pulled out of my ass, so feel free to tell me to stick it, but maybe part of the problem is that he's telling you he'll pay you back, and you see no possibility of him doing so? I hate it when even friends owe me money. It puts a strain on our relationship. So if they need money, and will take it, I just give it to them. Solves my problem.

Maybe you could take remuneration in the form of blowjobs (Grin)

Hey, it's a thought!

 

[KaraBulut]

Never a borrower or a lender be.

If you have concerns about a friend, family member or lover's likelihood of paying you back, then never lend them money.

On the other hand, if they are truly in need or you feel like they're dependable, then give them the money, no strings attached. If they pay you back, fine. If they don't, it's a gift.

Nothing good comes from lending money. Let the bank be the bad guy.

Underneath all this is the following sentence:

It's been making me upset because I feel like he's not making the best decisions.

It's worrisome that you used present tense instead of past tense.

The best thing for your boyfriend is to get credit counseling. He needs to figure out how he is going to dig himself out of the hole that he (not you) dug himself into.

And you need to ask yourself about whether you believe that he's going to continue down this path of bad decisions. If he is, then he may not be the person that you want to invest in a future with.

 

[JUBber-X]

This is not really the case of lending him money, it's that he's having trouble paying his part of the expenses. We have a phone bill together, I'm no going to cut off his phone to save me money and tell him to pay for his own phone. We go grocery shopping together, I'm not going to buy food just for me and tell him to get his own food.

I do lend him a little bit when it needs it, but it's for gas and for his car. If I don't give a little when he needs it, he'll miss work which leads to having a smaller paycheck. I rather him get the money from me than a bank because I won't charge interest, I won't have finance charges, I won't have due date for payments or late fees.

I guess the problem is that I feel like I'm supporting the relationship (financially) a lot more than he is. It like if your and another person were to transport water to one place to another, and you're carrying 2 big buckets of water and the other guy just has one small cup, wouldn't that feel a little unfair? Not sure if that metaphor makes sense, but it's kinda how I feel (although I feel like a jerk saying it).

I'm not worried about him paying me back, I know he will eventually, just don't know when. It's just hard and stressful that feel like I'm carrying most of the financial weight of the relationship.

 

[greyboy07]

Maybe it will help to think of the situation another way.

Let's imagine a situation where you are making a lot more money than he is. He's working hard, but he can't cover half of your household expenses. Would you try to split things down the middle or would you pool your money and spend (and save) it efficiently, or would you still want him to find a way - second job, say - to earn enough money to pay 50%?

Just looking at my friends and colleagues, it seems its rare that two partners end up with equal earning power. I know at my house there have been times when I was earning most of the money, and times when my partner was earning more than me. This can be a tricky balance (male egos and all), but you can make it work.

 

[Ranchman]

From the water analogy, look at it this way. Sure, you're carrying the big buckets but he's doing what he can too. Does all the water make it to where it's going? i.e. Are you happy together? Or does this "financial" thing color the way you think about him, deep down? If it does, lay your cards on the table and have a heart to heart with him. If it doesn't, let it go and be happy.

 

[hendley]

I feel your frustrations, and venting them is good, but perhaps you're looking at this issue the wrong way.

If you think of your relationship as a partnership then from a relationship perspective it is not your money and his money it's "our money" even though legally it's your money (unless you're legally married then it's "our money" if you live in a community property state). From this vantage point he doesn't really owe you anything for money spent on joint expenses. Maybe you should talk with him about what would be the best way to divide up "our money" in a way that the both of you think is fair.

In my relationship I make about 50% more than he does. So that we each shoulder a proportionally equal financial burden we pay our joint bills proportionally to what we make. It ends up that I pay more, but I make more.

Using Hypothetical numbers it works like this. If we owe $2,000 a month from our joint expense but I make $3,000 a month and he makes $2,000 a month I pay $1200 and he pays $800. And if it looks like we are spending too much then we each look for ways to cut back.

Are there days when I get a little pissed thinking "He's spending MY money on THIS!!! I have to put a stop to this!!!" Of course there are, but I wouldn't want to do things differently because that would be unfair.

 

[KaraBulut]

If you think of your relationship as a partnership then from a relationship perspective it is not your money and his money it's "our money" even though legally it's your money (unless you're legally married then it's "our money" if you live in a community property state). From this vantage point he doesn't really owe you anything for money spent on joint expenses. Maybe you should talk with him about what would be the best way to divide up "our money" in a way that the both of you think is fair.

Yes- you got it.

If a relationship is a partnership that you view as a long term thing, you don't keep track of the shared living expenses. You each contribute something. It may be that you contribute a bit more of the money toward lodging, utilities, etc but maybe he does the grocery shopping and prepares the meals? Or maybe he does more of the housework?

It's not just the money- it's the feeling that you both are contributing and it somehow achieves a balance, right?

But this assumes that your partner is doing everything he can and that he's working toward a better financial future... and it sounds like this is a concern in OP's case.

 

[rareboy]

I'm not worried about him paying me back, I know he will eventually, just don't know when. It's just hard and stressful that feel like I'm carrying most of the financial weight of the relationship.

Well, you're not reading what you write.

Obviously, you are worried about him paying you back or you wouldn't be complaining about a few hundred dollars.

At various times in relationships, one person may have to do more of the heavy lifting.

It shouldn't even matter if you love the person with all your heart.

If you want to make your relationship all about the money and feeling resentful because you're stuck with someone who is a terrible money manager, then I can guarantee you, your relationship is already over.

Oh. And if the two of you aren't even making enough to cover the rent, time for one or both of you to upgrade skills for a better ob or get some part time crap work for the extra beans.