Finding a Kinky Boyfriend Around my Age? Advice Needed

[erobert]

Sorry if this isn't the right place for this since I wasn't sure where to post it (dating or fetish section?) but it's something which has me a bit frustrated. I've made this thread once before in the past but it's something I wonder about every time I browse around sites like Recon or Gear Fetish- I'll get messaged by guys who are 20+ years older than I am. Which is fine (unless they're creepy), at least I'm getting some attention but I'll message guys around my age and barely get anything back...

I know there are young kinky, like minded guys out there somewhere *cough* Germany, Japan and the Netherlands But here in the states anything beyond what can be shown to a movie going audience in the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie incites knee jerking judgements it seems; especially among young guys. I'm not going to get into specifics since this is a forum which can be searched and indexed in Google but it's nothing too out there and my instinct tells me there are a lot more like minded 20-30 something guys out there who have similar interest or are at least curious about it then I think but they seem to hide their kinks out of shame I guess. I don't know....

It also makes me wonder why it's so important for me to find a sexually compatible BF which further reduces the dating pool for me and looking for my equivalent in the bedroom probably reduces it down to a handful of guys maybe. Even though I loved him my ex told me bondage was too much work at which I let out an exasperated sigh but still did the bare minimum of pretending to dom. Sex isn't all their is to a relationship but it is important. So much so that it can people up if they're not getting what they want.... Maybe younger guys don't have experience in this arena?

Hence why there's so many more older men on those sites? IDK I know they're out there (just look at all the sites on the internet which touch on fetishes/ and kinks, some have even become mainstream) But I also wonder, why in a gay mecca as diverse and populated as NYC, I can't find many like minded guys... I have to resort to guessing games when I meet new guys. There are a few venues and "leather" bars but not many.

Sorry for the long semi rant but it's something I wonder about more and more and if it should be lower of a dating priority for me, plus a lot of guys in the kink community from what I've seen are also subs so there's that, not many switches or doms (for those who know the lingo) Any advice or insight for guys with experience in this arena?

 

[Vitamin]

If only you lived closer to me. I feel the exact same way. Almost everyone who messages me on those sites wants an older type dom/sub. I don't mind sub-ing for sexy older men, but I can't see myself in a ltr with them. Still waiting on sexy a top/dom my age to sweep me off my feet and force me into his lair, haha.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

If only you lived closer to me. I feel the exact same way. Almost everyone who messages me on those sites wants an older type dom/sub. I don't mind sub-ing for sexy older men, but I can't see myself in a ltr with them. Still waiting on sexy a top/dom my age to sweep me off my feet and force me into his lair, haha.

nah, too easy

 

[erobert]

Still waiting on sexy a top/dom my age to sweep me off my feet and force me into his lair, haha.

Yes, this! I think there's a stigma against dom types also. Maybe I watch too much Law & Order but they get a very bad rap in the media/ movies (Family Guy writers love using the Quagmire as the butt of jokes) which maybe instills shame maybe among younger guys who are also trying to come out/ navigate the gay scene. No bueno. Not to say there aren't crazies in the community but they're in the vanilla arena too so...

Then again subs can be stigmatized too, one guy I met who, when I told him about my bondage interests replied: "Why do you want someone to do that to you? Do you hate yourself?" Seriously??

 

[The Fly]

You say there are alot of older guys into it........................they didn't start out old. Maybe there's a strong older/younger component as compared to a dominant/submissive quality? Though both exist, most people have a different reaction submitting to an older person than they would to someone in their same age bracket...............just a thought.

 

[Vitamin]

You say there are alot of older guys into it........................they didn't start out old. Maybe there's a strong older/younger component as compared to a dominant/submissive quality? Though both exist, most people have a different reaction submitting to an older person than they would to someone in their same age bracket...............just a thought.

It's the same thing on vanilla sites. Everyone wants a daddy, not a companion.

 

[eastofeden]

Maybe things are different now but I like dominant/submissive (not S/M) relationships and I found a shitload of guys my own age in person...easily....

It is hard for me to imagine not meeting guys easily....they are all over the place....

I was always out and about and even today if I was single...even at my age... I know I could meet a compatible man easily if I wanted to. It has nothing to do one way or the other with my looks...never did....it is all about the vibe and the chemistry and you aren't gonna find it sitting behind the computer.......

Go out to clubs (or anywhere really)... and when you feel a connection with someone go for it....

This guy on another board I am on who is into the same thing you are started going to the clubs in New York and he is quite happy with the results...he has shared them in detail...

 

[erobert]

Maybe things are different now but I like dominant/submissive (not S/M) relationships and I found a shitload of guys my own age in person...easily....

It is hard for me to imagine not meeting guys easily....they are all over the place....

I was always out and about and even today if I was single...even at my age... I know I could meet a compatible man easily if I wanted to. It has nothing to do one way or the other with my looks...never did....it is all about the vibe and the chemistry and you aren't gonna find it sitting behind the computer.......

Go out to clubs (or anywhere really)... and when you feel a connection with someone go for it....

This guy on another board I am on who is into the same thing you are started going to the clubs in New York and he is quite happy with the results...he has shared them in detail...

Hmm.... then it's probably me or they way I'm going about my search? I've been focusing my efforts online, which is very targeted for finding the kinds of guys I'm looking for but from my experience younger guys are very skiddish about meeting up in person. Even for a causal beer or just a getting to know you meeting. Or they'll play perpetual pen pal via text...

We have a few a semi fetish related bars and clubs in NYC, there's not that many really compared to mainstream gay bars but then again there's all kinds of people everywhere. Heck, you never know about that guy in the business suit at a cafe. (I've also had to hone my kinkdar in addition to gaydar)

There's a Bondage Club in Chelsea but people who I've spoken with have given it mixed reviews about the experience of going. I've heard things most revolve around private parties rather than clubs. I think you're right though, it's a process of getting out there (somewhere...) and meeting someone who knows/ friends with a guy who is searching for a BF like me. This goes for "vanilla" people also IMO.

With GF.com being barely active these days and the amount of guys on Recon doesn't seem proportionate to what my instinct tells me about how many kink minded guys there really are out there getting offline might be more effective.

 

[sixthson]

Is this the most important thing you look for in a bf? It seems awfully limiting. Besides, isn't it possible that someone might enjoy what you like without being aware of it? I mean, maybe they just having given it much thought. When someone likes you, they are generally willing to try new things. Do you think most think that pain is involved in bondage?

 

[erobert]

Is this the most important thing you look for in a bf? It seems awfully limiting. Besides, isn't it possible that someone might enjoy what you like without being aware of it? I mean, maybe they just having given it much thought. When someone likes you, they are generally willing to try new things. Do you think most think that pain is involved in bondage?

No, it's not necessarily the most important thing to seek out in a BF but where to place it on my list of priorities is something I wrestle with since it does limit the potential dating pool of guys. That is a good point, when someone likes you they are willing to try new things a lot of the more common things have gone mainstream in the past decade or so, after all I did introduce my ex to things I was into when I trusted him enough and as a result he became a bit more adventurous in the bedroom. Surprisingly a lot of couples have a hard time communicating what turns them on.

For the record, or at least IMO, bondage is def not about pain. It's about pleasure; physically and mentally. If there's pain involved alarm bells are going off or they have not aware of sub safety.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

If I were you, I'd frequent the bars and venues. Get to know the local community and work from there.