Finding gay friends

[leftoutwest]

Hi there! For my first post, I've chosen to ask a question, with a little rant included. Please bear with me. I need advice!

I moved to San Francisco a year ago. I'm in my early 30s, reasonably attractive in a guy-next-door kind of way, and I'm athletic, educated, personable, and so on. (Or at least I think so... not necessarily objective, I know.) In the time I've been here, however, I haven't been able to meet any gay friends or go on more than a couple of dates, and I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I go to bars by myself, but everyone seems intent on talking only with the people they're with. I go to the gym and to yoga class several times a week, and hang out in cafes in the right areas, but no one seems to talk to anyone else. They're either absorbed in conversation with a friend, listening to their iPods, or reading. I go to various gay social events, joined a couple of gay sports groups, but everyone else seems to be in their late 40s and upwards. Nothing wrong there, but it would be nice to meet some peers... Of course, I've tried the regular personals sites (Match, The Onion, etc.), but they seem moribund out here, and while gay sex sites like Manhunt have been great for hookups, they haven't led to anything beyond anonymous sex.

I'm sure that men meet other gay guys through their networks of office friends or friends they went to school with. Problem for me is, my office is very small, and although I'm completely out, no one else here is gay. I also didn't go to school out here, so my college friends are all in other cities. I have a couple of wonderful straight friends (women) here, but they don't know any other gay men. Just from walking down the street and seeing people eating in restaurants and shopping together, it seems like no other gay guy has this problem. I'm not looking to date or befriend an A&F model, and I'm NOT searching for "Mr. Right". Just a few gay friends. What can I do? I'm just looking to meet other normal guys around my age. Shouldn't be rocket science, but apparently it is, for me at least. I'm sick and tired of having no gay social life. Help! Any advice, even a little scolding, will be much appreciated.

 

[racer2438]

Well dont give up. Maybe go to some other areas, or clubs for meeting other guy's. You may or not be into clubs but it is a place to see and meet people. You can then be more selective as to who meets you type and go from there.

good luck...

 

[hopnung]

Awww I know how you feel. I've remained in the same area for a number of years, but I find that I'm always looking for friends, but it seems like that's an impossible feat.

 

[Lube]

Perhaps you're better looking than you think you are. People seem to be afraid of good-looking people because they assume the good-looking guy can have anyone he wants, so why would he want him?

Also, many gay guys are pretty damn shy. Of course, you'd think that in San Francisco you could find a few gay guys, LOL.

Are you shy? When you go to these events, do you chat with people or are you a wallflower?

Why not befriend the older guys; surely they know younger guys. Just a way to build up your network of friends.

 

[hotb0d]

Maybe you should find some kind of gay social club or volunteer at events that are run by gay groups. I found that people are easier to talk to that way than going to bars or clubs.

 

[spencer]

befriend the instructor or the bar tender or even waitstaff. they're the most open to talking and they can introduce you to a lot of friends.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Are you doing anything to engage these people that you see out in about? Have you tried starting up a conversation?

Some people obviously make friends wherever they go, and then there are those who actually have to work at it.

Making yourself available by going to bars, and joining clubs or organizations sometimes isn't enough. You need to "engage" people by direct personal interaction. One can't expect everyone else to approach them first.

Start by treating / acting the way toward other people, that you would like for them to treat / act toward you.

Oh, and Welcome to JUB!

 

[leftoutwest]

Thanks for the suggestions. Part of the problem is that I'm relatively shy, and another part of the problem (maybe) is that I hate going to bars and clubs by myself. Of course, it doesn't help matters that guys here seem to go around in their little bubbles.

Maybe the answer is to continue with the sports/social groups and see who turns up, although as I mentioned they seem mainly to draw men from an older generation. Or maybe the answer is just to stick with my straight friends and forget the gay thing.

 

[Centexfarmer]

^ That may be a strategy too, but I've found that staying within my "comfort zone" never amounted to much.

Put yourself out there, a tad more than you have, and see what happens.

 

[justchillin]

When I moved to LA it took me about a year to make friends, now I have different circles and always looking for cool new people to hangout with.
Here is tip.
Post an ad on craiglist but make sure it is under strictly platonic m4m stating that you are looking for friends. Even though it is a friendship ad if you want to find friends around your age specify that,

"Looking for friends between 25-35, but if you are a mature 21 year old or a young at heart 40+ year old feel free to reply".

Be very specific that you are looking for friends and not sex or a date or you will have to weed out lots of replies.

ie..Im a laid back guy, I prefer my friends to be drama free...if you consider yourself a diva I dont think we will get along. Im looking for a buddy that can hit the bars together, grab coffee, hiking." etc....

Write a little bit about yourself and what you like doing, if you want you can even put a myspace link if you have one. Then you can reply to anyone you find interesting. Email back and forth if you find someone you think youd get along with. Then you can meet up for coffee or a few beers. Once you find a good wingman it will all become easier and you can help each other find dates and you wont be that guy at the bar by himself hoping that someone comes up and talks to him.

Also check out some ads for others looking for friends and reply to them.

You might have to try this several times and meet a couple people, there may be lots of flakes out there but just be honest at the start. Also dont take it personal if someone doesnt reply back to you, it will happen a lot. Always meet in a public place. Since SF has a lot of people moving in and there are always people looking for friends, you just have to try a little.

good luck

 

[trav715]

I live in a small town of less than 5000 people so I completly understand how frusterating this is. Though it surprises me that someone from San Fransico of all places would have a difficult time finding gay friends.

Anyway this might sound kind of stupid but have you ever tried church? I'm an athiest but you'd be surprised how many GAY people you could meet from going to church. Just a suggestion.

 

[rareboy]

I agree with the idea of meeting and making friends with guys of any age. The more you're in a network, the more people you'll meet. And when you're with a group or on your own and appear to be having fun, you'll be gaybait.

Trust me.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I've been able to branch out of my online social networking by joining a business social networking group that meets at different places in the city every other week. I've been able to make lots of new friends of guys in their 30s (Although I'm much younger) who are educated, professional, and really cool to hang out with. Eventually, they start asking you to hang out with them outside of the group, and I've had a lot of fun with that. =)

I'm sure there are groups like that in San Francisco. I found my group through a couple online friends. Check out some facebook groups of people you know and see if you can find one.

 

[leftoutwest]

Guys, thank you so much for all your ideas and your encouragement. I was feeling really down, but after reading all your responses, I'm doing much better. Up and at 'em. Thank you!

 

[KaraBulut]

The bad news about San Francisco is that there are so many gay men living in the city that it tends to be very "scene" oriented. There's the leather scene, the bear scene, the drag queen scene, the B&D scene, the S&M scene, the political scene... This carries over into social groups, bars and networks.

When you come to SF from another area and you're used to a more mixed gay community, it does seem like you don't fit in.

The bars are fine to meet people but you have to keep in mind that there's a big difference between the attitude in bars at happy hour and the attitude in bars late in the night. If you want to meet people, hit the after-work pubs. If you want a one-night stand, then hit the late-night bars.

The good news is that San Franciscans are a friendly bunch and you can find a social group of people who have the same interests that you do- there's a group for just about anything.

The suggestion to do volunteer work is a good one. And being a little more open about things like age will enable to make some friends who will introduce you to other friends who will introduce you to other friends...

You might also look into finding something similar to a toastmasters, wine-tasting or speed-dating group where you can practice introducing yourself and making small talk. Most people are unsure of themselves and afraid to make the first move, so it's a relief to them when you introduce yourself and get a conversation started.

 

[saymyname]

Facebook, craigslist... approaching people...

 

[spencer]

KB you say, there are places in SF where specific networks of gays hang out. Are there gay bars and social networks in SF where professionals hang out?