Finding hard to come out with straight boys

[billie]

Hi everyone

Since I openly come out to my family and girl friends, my gay life hasnt been that hard to deal with except for one thing: Telling straight guys that Im gay.
Ive never been in need to do so until this year.

I love waterpolo so, I decided to join a waterpolo team in the university. When I first met my teammates I was well received, they praised my skills when it comes to swim fastly or steal the ball from the other team. Then, the meetings outside waterpolo stuff came up (have a dinner, going to discos, beers etc...) and most of their conversations were about girls and what kind of girls they fancy, they always ask me, if I feel atracted by any girl from the femenine team of waterpolo, and I always say that they are not my type. I feel so awkward when I make them believe that I actually like girls, I thought I will be able to pretend it but it makes me feel so unconfortable, I dont know why.
Id like to come out to them but Im afraid of they rejecting me or feel unconfortable when I get in the shower with them. I love waterpolo but I wont be able to enjoy it if my teammates are "afraid" of me.

Coming out to straight gays has always been kinda hard for me but it was something that Id never needed to do until now. I hate preteding I like girls.
I will feel sad whether I come out to them or not, so I dont know what to do.

Sorry if I got grammar mistakes, I dont usually speak english in my country

 

[nycguydowntown]

There is no easy solution to this as I feel the same way---coming out to str guys is difficult for me too. Plus you are on a team which will be difficult for some--not all --to accept. I worked with a macho Mexican guy on a project for years and was afraid to come out to him---when I did---he was like--why did you wait so long? You are like my brother--gay or straight. And we are best friends to this day. I waited because I didn't want to possibly damage our work relationship, which was just the two of us. Once people know and like you there are very few who will disown you because you are gay. There may be a few but they are not worth knowing. I am in NYC--I don't know what the attitudes are like in Spain but I thought it was a fairly open and accepting society.

 

[Callum]

Your English is great and better than most people that speak English as their first language. No stress.

Coming out to straight men is hard for a lot of gay/bi guys, especially if you are already in a relationship...it can be weird. You are in Valencia, so I am assuming that is south of Barcelona, somewhere around there...being gay cannot be seen as all that "bad" there, I would imagine...public polls show Spain is positive toward LGBT people, even more than Canada (where I live). When you come out, a lot of the guys will be asking why you did not come out already. People can be put into categories when it comes to the "coming out reaction" groups, and from my personal experience, athletes are typically good about it.

 

[billie]

Yes, you all are right. Spain is famous for being kinda tolerant to gays and I know some gays who have straight friends. But I still kinda worry... Some guys still dont accept it. I will try to tell them this week. I hope it will work it out.... If they dont accept it, I think I will end up quiting waterpolo... I love this sport but I hate pretending being straight and firting with girls at the disco (Yes, I did this to hide my homosexuality, even I kissed 2 of them)

 

[Rolyo85]

Look, you can worry and fret, but the truth is that people will make as much of a big deal of you being gay, as YOU will. If you treat it like a problem, so will straight boys. But unless they are some extra religious homophobes, if YOU treat you being gay as just completely normal and comfortable, so will the people around you.

And in the end, remember - you didn't choose to be gay, you just got lucky If anything, straight boys should be jealous of you, not you scared of them knowing

 

[Ganoderma]

hi OP,

I am living in The Netherlands in a city with alot of Spanish students (exchange students from the Erasmus programm) and I tend to agree with you that Spain is quite tolerant for gay people, in particular people of your age.

You are totally right that you must not continue with pretending being straight and with pretending that you like to flirt with girls when you are visiting a disco with your team.

The most important thing is that you have told us that your team mates were happy that you have joined the team and that they have the opinion that you are good in playing waterpolo. That's what is counting in such kind of sports, and it seems to me that you are a nice and a friendly guy who likes to talk with your team mates and that you also like to join social events with your team mates.

Well, some of them may already have some ideas that you are gay (how about your friends on Facebook, etc.) and I tend to think that it's now a good moment to tell them the truth about yourself. Rolyo85 is totally right with his statement that such straight guys won't treat it as a problem when you tell them that its no big deal for you that you are gay. That's the way how it works, and how it also work in a sport like water polo.

Be also honest to them when some of them might start asking questions about you kissing some girls in the disco. Just tell them the truth, and they will accept your apologies. Maybe some of your team mates even have a gay brother, or cousin (etc.).

Good luck with telling them / explaining why you don't have a girlfriend (some of them might wonder, given what you have told us about them) and please tell them that it's not a big deal for you that you are gay, and that you are also living as an open gay. You might even tell them that you are already living a life as an open gay, so maybe some of them might already know that you are gay.

Please keep us informed.

 

[Seasoned]

You have a good attitude and already have a support system. Your team has accepted you as a member and you have a plan in case they have a negative response (they aren't likely to) so move forward as planned. All the best!

 

[palbert]

I have always, if possible, gone by the principle of letting people get to know me and then discussing sexuality, It appears you have done that. Things should be okay.

 

[billie]

Thank you guys.
I have a dinner with them tonight and some days ago I was thinking about coming out to them in that dinner... But still wasnt quite sure. Now Im decided to do it. Lets see how all this ends up...

 

[billie]

Hi everyone
I finally come out to my teammates and it was better than expected, to be honest.

We all were in a restaurant and I was talking with two of my closest friends in the team about movies and that stuff, I hardly listening to them bacause I was concerned about which will be the easiest way to tell them my "secret", I was so nervious that they noticed it and ask me if Im sick. I just said that nothing happens, that I was just a little bit tired.

Luckily (Yes, I said luckily because this situation made everything easier. To be honest, I dont know if I would have come out if it wouldnt have happened), they started talking about going to a party and one of them said: "Raquel told me that shes going to go there with her friends, I checked them all on facebook and they are quite fit, we can go there to try something, are you coming?"
Then I said: "No, Im tired and........Im not interested in meeting girls". The guys took a second of silence, I dont know what their faces looked like because I couldnt help but keeping my eyes on my food, trying so hard to avoid their looks. Then they continued to talk about these girls again. Since that moment I started being very quite at the dinner, without saying a word feeling kinda embarrassed

Then when the maitress came with the dessert, two friends who were sit close to me said: "Dude, are you ok? You look kinda weird". And I said: "nothing, Im just tired..... So do you have any problem with me...not....being...interested....in girls? (I wanted to be sure that they understood what I said before)" and then one of them said: "As long as you dont try to firt with me, there is no problem. You are a good guy"
Suddenly, I felt like I had got rid of some kind of chaines that didnt let me progress in this part of my life, started being pretty much happy actually, still was a bit hard to get in the rest of the conversations, I mean, I wasnt as outgoing as I was before that night.
We keep talking by whatsup group( they even keep asking me what kind of guy I like or if bottoming hurts, I deemed that it was too soon to answer such intimate questions, so I just avoided them) with any kind of tension or awkward moments, pretty cool.

Apart from that, I think that problem is solved (I have to go play waterpolo tomorrow, still dont know how the shower issue will go), in these 2 days, they didnt avoid me nor looking me in a bad way, I recognise that I had to come out way before that night, so I would have been suffering that much all this time, the problem is that I feel so insecure about guys knowing my sexual preferences, which means that Im not 100% comfortable with myself something I hate so much. I try to find the problem about this insecurity because I like being gay and I so proud to be what I am but, still for a unknown fucking reason I cant come out to many people. I envy so much a friend who has no concerns about coming out; He refers himself as a girl everywhere he goes, he is highly efeminate and doesnt doubt when it comes to tell ALL the people( And when I means all, I means every fucking person he meets) that hes gay. Im not very efeminate but I wish I could have that security when it comes to my sexual orientation.

Thanks everyone for reading me and advicing me. You all have been so friendly

 

[Ganoderma]

hi billie,

Thanks alot for your update and congratulated with telling the members of your team the truth about yourself. I think you have done this very well. Telling them 'I don't like girls' is a very good statement to use when you talk with such kind of guys. I mean, they will immediately start to think why this is not the case (in particular when they like girls very much). You are a (very) healthy guy and I tend to think that all of your teammates will immediately understand that this means that you are gay (= you prefer guys).

I am very happy that your team mates have reacted in a very positive way. I am not totally surprized, but one never knows for sure. Please be also aware that you don't need to tell private items (eg about sex) when you feel uncomfortable about telling this to other people. Just tell them that such items are private (same like you also don't ask for all kind of details about their sex life).

I can also imagine myself very well that you felt very nervous and that it will take some time to get used to the new situation. I tend to think that your team mates don't bother that you are gay (as long as you don't start flirting with them). So also no problem to change clothes with them and to take a shower together with them. Straight guys often take the new situation as something like 'they don't bother' and 'nothing will change'. It is also normal that it will take some time for you to get used to the new situation. That's different for your team mates, as they don't bother too much (well, they now know the real reason why you don't have a girlfriend).

Life will become more easy when you also tell them that its not a secret that you are gay. So they are free to tell their friends (etc.), meaning the news will go around and soon you won't bother anymore who is aware that you are gay or not.

Please be also aware that you are not identical to your gay friend who likes to identify himself as a girl. So you don't need to change anything in your behaviour. Quite a few people around you (eg at your university) will be aware that you are 'that guy who likes sport and who is member of the waterpolo team'. That's you, and no need to change anything in behaving you like such kind of guy. Yes, you are gay, but that's just a part of your identity.

 

[palbert]

@billie, congratulations on your courage and success. Very happy for you. It's always nice to read a good update.

 

[innocentbychoice]

The best way is not to make it a big deal. If you don't make it a big deal, neither will they. If that happened to me and they asked me about girls I'd be like "don't like any of them, I'm gay...but don't worry none of you are my type" and then I'd laugh it off.