Finding it hard coming to terms with being gay

[Flickers]

I’m having a hard time coming to terms with being gay. The short story is I don’t want to be. If I could choose to turn myself straight tomorrow, I would in a heartbeat. I don’t have anything against gay men or gay women, but I don’t find myself attracted to the gay lifestyle. I’ve met a few men before, but I was uncomfortable more than anything which meant I didn't enjoy it. I don’t like swallowing, rimming turns my stomach, anal sex doesn't do anything for me, and I couldn't even bring myself to kiss any of the guys. I don’t think I will ever be happy. I can’t see myself ever being content settling down with a guy.

I look at my straight friends and wish I could have what they have. I wish I could fall in love with a girl, take her home to meet my parents, ask her to marry me, buy a house together and start a family. I know it's possible for me to do all of those things with a man, but I prefer the traditional man and woman scenario. I know I can’t change who I am, but I get incredibly unhappy when I think about not being able to be the person I want to be. I'm not confused nor am I bisexual. I know for sure that I'm gay.

I sometimes think about finding myself a girlfriend, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to fake being in love or whatever. I fear that I’m going to end up a bitter, lonely old man who's resentful of anyone who is happy in life. I attempted suicide a few years ago, but I ended up waking up in the hospital. I remember feeling content when I took all the pills. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t regret anything. I was happy. I frequently think about attempting suicide again.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping gain from posting this. I guess I just needed to put my words down. Thank you for reading this.

 

[fezzfoot]

Can I ask how long you've been curious/certain of your sexuality and if you've come out to anyone?

I ask because I only recently have and despite everyone seeming to be ok, I'm still coming to terms with the idea of it myself. Your post and my experiences really emphasise that being gay isn't a choice. After all, who would willingly choose to inflict such hardship upon themselves?

I'm still learning to accept this brave new world of mine and it will take time. I don't know where in the world you live, but in the UK at least it seems that a gay lifestyle needn't by default be the things you might dread them to be.

I think it will be a while before I'm comfortable, let alone confident to go in search of a partner and it sounds like you're in a similar position. I didn't attempt suicide but I drank heavily, a lot, to numb the pain, and it felt like I was living inside an ever shrinking box.

Hopefully for us both, the emerging reality turns out to be nowhere near as bad as we'd feared. It sounds like your personal battle is more pronounced than mine, but if I can ask a couple more questions - do you like looking at guys and do they turn you on? If so then it's a reality that we're both going to have to get used to it, and in time I'm sure we both will.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Flickers,

Good you have made this posting and good you had the guts to post it over here.

I would like to welcome you over here and great you have created an account on JUB.

I was wondering how you would feel yourself when you would walk hand-in-hand with a very nice guy you feel comfortable with and in a woodland area (so without other people around you). Would you feel great when you would have such a possibility? How about another nice guy who would stroke your hair? Any idea how you would feel yourself when this would happen in a surrounding when you felt yourself very comfortable?

How old are you? Are you living by yourself? In which country are you living?

Please note that you don't need to disclose details about yourself over here when you don't feel comfortable about disclosing details.

Feel free to ask additional questions.

Take care & good luck!!

 

[Flickers]

Can I ask how long you've been curious/certain of your sexuality and if you've come out to anyone?

I ask because I only recently have and despite everyone seeming to be ok, I'm still coming to terms with the idea of it myself. Your post and my experiences really emphasise that being gay isn't a choice. After all, who would willingly choose to inflict such hardship upon themselves?

I'm still learning to accept this brave new world of mine and it will take time. I don't know where in the world you live, but in the UK at least it seems that a gay lifestyle needn't by default be the things you might dread them to be.

I think it will be a while before I'm comfortable, let alone confident to go in search of a partner and it sounds like you're in a similar position. I didn't attempt suicide but I drank heavily, a lot, to numb the pain, and it felt like I was living inside an ever shrinking box.

Hopefully for us both, the emerging reality turns out to be nowhere near as bad as we'd feared. It sounds like your personal battle is more pronounced than mine, but if I can ask a couple more questions - do you like looking at guys and do they turn you on? If so then it's a reality that we're both going to have to get used to it, and in time I'm sure we both will.

I've known I'm gay for a while now. I haven't told any of my friends or my family. I know they would be supportive of me, but I can't bring myself to take that step when I can't even accept being gay.

"An ever shrinking box" is a good way to described how I'm feeling. I feel so exhausted trying to keep up a front. It’s not that I’m suppressing a really camp person by acting macho or straight, but I have to pretend to find women attractive in front of my friends, and I have make sure I don’t say or do anything that will make them question me.

To answer your questions: yes I like looking at men, and yes they turn me on, but I wish they didn’t. I know no one, including myself, can wave a magic wand and make all this all go away.

hi Flickers,

Good you have made this posting and good you had the guts to post it over here.

I would like to welcome you over here and great you have created an account on JUB.

I was wondering how you would feel yourself when you would walk hand-in-hand with a very nice guy you feel comfortable with and in a woodland area (so without other people around you). Would you feel great when you would have such a possibility? How about another nice guy who would stroke your hair? Any idea how you would feel yourself when this would happen in a surrounding when you felt yourself very comfortable?

How old are you? Are you living by yourself? In which country are you living?

Please note that you don't need to disclose details about yourself over here when you don't feel comfortable about disclosing details.

Feel free to ask additional questions.

Take care & good luck!!

Even thinking about walking hand-in-hand with another guy or having him touch my hair is making my palms sweaty. I don't think it would matter where on earth we were. I would still be uncomfortable doing those things with a guy, even a guy I really liked.

I once met a guy who took me back to his house. He tried to kiss me, but I just lowered my head and looked at the ground. He asked why I didn’t want to kiss him, but I didn’t have an answer, so I just kept quiet until he stopped pressing the matter. When we were in bed together, I found myself not being able to finish, so I got dressed and left. There was another guy who told me I was sweet before kissing me on the cheek, but I became rigid and uncomfortable to the point that he could tell I wasn’t enjoy it and left things. I felt like a freak.

To answer your other questions: I'm in my early 20s. I live in the UK.

 

[eastofeden]

Maybe you should marry a girl and stop worrying about it. Alot of gay men marry women and have children....just find one who knows your dilemma and accepts it.

 

[fezzfoot]

I've known I'm gay for a while now. I haven't told any of my friends or my family. I know they would be supportive of me, but I can't bring myself to take that step when I can't even accept being gay.

It's a process, one I'm still going through but I'm learning that the more I try and hate it, the more miserable I feel. It sounds like we both need to learn how to feel comfortable, and only then can we pursue true happiness.

I feel so exhausted trying to keep up a front. It’s not that I’m suppressing a really camp person by acting macho or straight, but I have to pretend to find women attractive in front of my friends, and I have make sure I don’t say or do anything that will make them question me.

In my 20s, when I was still undecided, this was exactly how I felt. The exhaustion came in... probably in the last 12-18 months where mentally it was wearing me out. I was becoming withdrawn, insular, anxious, basically all the things I never normally would be and eventually the box shrunk enough for me to hit breaking point. It worries me that you've already tried suicide once and are thinking of it again. My coming out was to prevent me progressing to a worse mental state than I was beginning to encounter.

Maybe you've gone way beyond your breaking point and need to release the tension by coming out... to someone you know and trust.

If you don't mind me asking, when you attempted suicide before, when you came around, what did you tell people was the reason behind it?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Flickers,

Thanks alot for your response and thanks for providing some background details about yourself.

I tend to think that "I haven't told any of my friends or my family. I know they would be supportive of me," is the most important remark you have made. It means that you are not surrounded by homophobes, but that you are surrounded by good people who will understand what it means when a guy is gay.

So what would happen when these 'supportive people' would be aware that you are a gay guy? You tell us they are supportive, so it seems to me that they even can help you in the current process in accepting for yourself that you are a gay guy.

So you have some experiences with guys and both experiences were not very comfortable. I feel very sorry that these experiences were uncomfortable. How would it be when you would spend some time in a house of another gay guy while just doing stuff what you would do with a straight friend (can be anything, watching TV, preparing dinner together, discussing about various topics, playing video games, etc, etc.)?

What kind of things you would like to to with a gay guy / gay friend? I was wondering if you also have experiences with girls (= dating a girl, kissing, having sex, etc.)?

You are totally right that you are right now more or less lying all the time to your friends (etc.), as you must pretend to them that you are 'straight, single, and still looking around for a nice girlfriend'.

"I feel so exhausted trying to keep up a front." Yeah. You are right. All the time, you are more or less lying to people around you (see above). Hey man, opening up yourself will immediately make an end to this exhausted feeling. I even think that your friends / family will already have noticed that you don't seem to be very happy. It is very likely that good friends will have thought about it. Please realize yourself that you can just tell your family / a very good friend everything about yourself (= including that you have right now a very tough time to accept for yourself that you are gay).

Please realize yourself that you don't need to live a 'gay lifestyle' (whatever that means) as soon as you will tell your friends an family the truth about yourself.

I would like to wish you good luck. Take care and feel free to react.

 

[Flickers]

It's a process, one I'm still going through but I'm learning that the more I try and hate it, the more miserable I feel. It sounds like we both need to learn how to feel comfortable, and only then can we pursue true happiness.



In my 20s, when I was still undecided, this was exactly how I felt. The exhaustion came in... probably in the last 12-18 months where mentally it was wearing me out. I was becoming withdrawn, insular, anxious, basically all the things I never normally would be and eventually the box shrunk enough for me to hit breaking point. It worries me that you've already tried suicide once and are thinking of it again. My coming out was to prevent me progressing to a worse mental state than I was beginning to encounter.

Maybe you've gone way beyond your breaking point and need to release the tension by coming out... to someone you know and trust.

If you don't mind me asking, when you attempted suicide before, when you came around, what did you tell people was the reason behind it?

Thank you for your reply.

Can I ask how old you are? Who did you come out to first? What did you say to them? It doesn't matter if you don't want to tell me.

When the doctor discharged me, I told my family and friends that I'd been feeling low. I also told them that my workload at school and my job had left me stressed out. No one really spoke about it after that. Looking back, I should have been honest with everyone, but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. For the last few years now my doctor has prescribed me various tablets but with varying degrees of success. I know a pill isn't going to make everything go away.

 

[LutheranGuy]

I I frequently think about attempting suicide again.

If and when you are feeling suicidal at any moment dial 911 and tell the dispatcher exactly what you wrote on this forum.
Also understand that there is always someone to talk to about your feelings and it's very important to talk about our feelings.

but I get incredibly unhappy when I think about not being able to be the person I want to be.

Michael Jackson struggled all his life with who he was and who he wanted to be. The first steps he always took were to more and more become the person he wanted to be. He started by being himself.

 

[fezzfoot]

Thank you for your reply.

Can I ask how old you are? Who did you come out to first? What did you say to them? It doesn't matter if you don't want to tell me.

When the doctor discharged me, I told my family and friends that I'd been feeling low. I also told them that my workload at school and my job had left me stressed out. No one really spoke about it after that. Looking back, I should have been honest with everyone, but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. For the last few years now my doctor has prescribed me various tablets but with varying degrees of success. I know a pill isn't going to make everything go away.

I'm 31 and my story up to this point can be found here - http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/245438-Some-Advice-Please - I previously joined these forums under the name fordman24. I initially came out to a couple of distant friends, those with no connection to my usual circle of family & friends. On the 'big day' so to speak, I started with my parents and sister and then moved onto my close circle of friends. It was all done by text because everyone was in different places and I wanted them all to know at the same time.

Mental illness can be a taboo subject for some - I have two friends who suffer from varying degrees of depression and I wish they'd open up more. They don't avoid the topic, but I sense that they feel ashamed, weak & worn out. I don't claim to be an expert in this field, but I know from my experiences of coming out and theirs relating to depression, that bottling things up is never healthy.

If you have good people around you (as I do thankfully) then in your own time, I would prepare yourself to start telling them. Something innocuous might trigger it - for me it was one hangover too many.

Keep us posted with your progress

 

[checkinthingsout]

Hey Flickers,

I was going through a similar trauma on my road to coming out as well. As others have stated, it starts with being honest with yourself, which you seem to clearly and logically have the ability to express. I had come out to myself, but I was still a mess in terms of what next. I was sleeping with a bunch of guys randomly because at that point getting off was the only consolation or positive I saw in my sexuality and myself. It was almost as if it was my "mourning" period for the life that I should've had, that I thought I deserved, and was best for me. That soon got emotionally draining and so I started down another path.

Next, what I really strove to do was to redefine what it means for me to be happy. Not only in a romantic and sexual sense, but with work, friends, family, and career as well. This is also a hard step because you have to essentially break down how you thought your life would be into the component pieces and see which of those are really essential and which are not.

For instance, you said you prefer the traditional man+wife family instead of alternative family situation. Really deconstructing what about this appeals to you will help you to better identify other options that fit with your life and your reality. I also talked to a lot of guys I met online and in person about their stories and what their happiness looks like. Sometimes just hearing these as well allows you to expand your own capacity for what will make you happy in life.

Once I had time to redefine happiness, or at least think outside of the box on what could make me happy, I started to have more confidence in actually pursuing it. This, is ultimately what gave me the courage to start coming out, because I finally realized that although the road for a gay individual is less defined, there are still multiple paths to happiness and self realization.

 

[LAPan75]

You're more likely to be Bisexual, than either Gay or Straight, and by a huge (almost infinite) margin.
Nature's funny like that.

Don't sweat it, and just live life.
​

 

[TX-Beau]

There is absolutely no evidence that the spectrum of sexuality is that symmetrical, in fact it looks like the majority is bunched down there on the straight or close to straight end of it.

Complicated by the fact that bisexuals can't actually agree on what they mean by bisexual. For example, the guy who's just really fucking horny and lets you blow him. He's not going to touch you, he's not going to date you, you are just a sucking mouth to him, he doesn't ant to see your cock. Is he bisexual?

 

[TX-Beau]

I’m having a hard time coming to terms with being gay. The short story is I don’t want to be. If I could choose to turn myself straight tomorrow, I would in a heartbeat. I don’t have anything against gay men or gay women, but I don’t find myself attracted to the gay lifestyle. I’ve met a few men before, but I was uncomfortable more than anything which meant I didn't enjoy it. I don’t like swallowing, rimming turns my stomach, anal sex doesn't do anything for me, and I couldn't even bring myself to kiss any of the guys. I don’t think I will ever be happy. I can’t see myself ever being content settling down with a guy.

I look at my straight friends and wish I could have what they have. I wish I could fall in love with a girl, take her home to meet my parents, ask her to marry me, buy a house together and start a family. I know it's possible for me to do all of those things with a man, but I prefer the traditional man and woman scenario. I know I can’t change who I am, but I get incredibly unhappy when I think about not being able to be the person I want to be. I'm not confused nor am I bisexual. I know for sure that I'm gay.

I sometimes think about finding myself a girlfriend, but it wouldn't be fair for me to fake being in love or whatever. I fear that I’m going to end up a bitter, lonely old man who's resentful of anyone who is happy in life. I attempted suicide a few years ago, but I ended up waking up in the hospital. I remember feeling content when I took all the pills. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t regret anything. I was happy. I frequently think about attempting suicide again.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping gain from posting this. I guess I just needed to put my words down. Thank you for reading this.

These feelings are absolutely normal. Most of us have felt exactly the same way at some point in our lives. When you start coming to terms with your gay self, you go through this satge where you are basically mourning for the straight life you always though you'd have. Everything that was reinforced in your development as positive, and normal life stages, you have to give up because you're gay.

That causes resentment, and depression, and it's absolutely essential that you realize you do have something against gay people. You may not be a bigot, but the fact that you think your life must be destroyed by this means it there - and that is, the idea that gay life is not normal life, that being gay means you can't have that family, that white picket fence, and you believe that because you've been trained to think of gay as deviant behavior.

AND who wants to be a deviant?

The next step in your development is going to have to be rooting out all of those 'phobic attitudes and dealing with them. If you're going to have any kind of peace, you are going to have to convince yourself that a man with his man and their adopted baby, are just as "traditional" in the sense you mean it, as a standard straight couple. So long as you think straight is more desirable than the other, you won't resolve this in your head.