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First date

jockboy01 said:
But things are good and I think I'm going to bed early tonight b/c while I don't feel like I need it (I'm a little manic right now), I definitely do need it.
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Gee, I know that feeling. Its kind of an excited, consuming, charging ahead at full speed feeling. It really fits what you are going through. Sleep is well advised.

I really liked Tallguy's post. He really broke the situation down very clearly and gave you some good advice, Jockboy. Glad you see that too.
 
Riverrick, Tallguy, excellent posts. I have no experience in this area, so I really won't be making any contributions to this thread. Jockboy, I'm glad you've worked this out.
 
Yeah, so the sleep thing worked out okay. Went to bed early but still woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. But just took a nap and now I'm finally feeling tired. About time. Haha. I think A and I realized about simultaneously that we both would still be around the next day and so we didn't need to do something together several times a day.... but we still talked on the phone a lot yesterday. It's good. No real update though :)
 
haha, thanks thermodynamics... but don't hold your breath at the moment, it could be a while if ever.
 
Just found this thread....


YAY, JOCKBOY! :=D:
Congrats, stud! ..|

I'm happy for you -- (!)

and envious. I still haven't had anything resembling a date. :(
Which of course means I don't have any advice -- but I'm going to expect you to have some if I ever manage a date! :D
 
You don't need advice, you're doing fine. Better than fine.

I'm so impressed with you. Many of us pay lip service to communicating, but don't always manage to do it. The backbone that you demonstrate is worth so much more than any quantity of boyfriends or sexual encounters you could have under your belt.

Don't listen to your friend with the advice. He should be listening to you.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. You don't start with forever. That's what you end up with when everything works out for the both of you.

Abnormal as in not what the masses do? Does it matter? You know who you are and what will work for you.

Nobody (that counts) is going to criticize you if you decide to have a bit of fun with this guy. Neither will we criticize you if you don't.

Trust yourself ..| :kiss:
 
Thanks 3nipples!! That was so nice of you. And I really needed to hear it. Excellent points in there as well.

However, a little bit of distance between A and I has made me realize some things that I wish you gents would have been a bit more bold about telling me (Soilwork you're king of boldness... what happened).

Basically, I realized that I let A get way too close to me way too quickly. So maybe this is advice for anybody who's in my situation.... as I don't think I'm different from others. But basically, here's the deal, I build walls.

I build walls as a protective measurement (duh, is there another reason for walls) so that only good people can get close to me. And it takes a LONG time to get through these walls and some never do for one reason or another. But these walls assure that only quality people get close to me. That way I don't get hurt. I (as I'm sure all of us) learned to build these walls when young b/c of getting hurt. And they have served me well... VERY well in fact.

So why did I let A past all of these walls so quickly? I really don't know... I was excited, it was something new and I wanted it so badly to work that I didn't care, it gave me a great high to let somebody get so close to me so fast.... some combo of all of those probably. And it was a great high.

But recently, I freaked out and realized that by letting him get so close so fast, there was a damn good chance I would get hurt (call me a pessimist, but been there done that too many times to trust that fast). And so the past day or two I spent rebuilding these walls for A. It's hard b/c I don't want to, and it would have been much easier to not let them come down in the first place. But it's a necessary task for sure. And I feel much better now that some of them are back up.

Don't worry, I'm not saying they won't come down again. But I think it works much better when somebody earns their way past the walls. And that's going to take some time and may never happen but I'm okay with that... it will be well worth it.
 
Interesting Jockboy.

Some walls are healthy boundaries. As we get to know people better and trust them, we may loosen those boundaries a little but to some extent, they are always supposed to be there.

There's a phenomenon called enmeshment. This is what happens when we drop our boundaries and get way too personal and close to someone without building a healthy relationship first. It makes us feel like we are close to them because we get all mixed up in their lives and affairs and they in ours. But its only a feeling, its not real.


"Enmeshment ranges from mild to extreme. It is the polar opposite of two people being independent - meaning neither has a strong bond with (emotional attachment to) the other. A middle option is an interdependent relationship, where each person has a clear, stable identity and personal boundaries, and a healthy bond with the other. These promote relating together as co-equal partners out of conscious choice, vs. unconscious compulsion ("I can't live without you!")"​
I also want to comment, though, that walls can keep us away from people.
As Paul Simon so astutely noted:

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island​
 
yes, yes, I've built the walls to keep people away as well. But anymore I'm pretty good at not doing that. Although there are times when it is really nice to feel like a rock or an island as well.

Had never heard of enmeshment before... interesting. Not sure that is what happened here... or hadn't yet, but I think I understand the concept.
 
Well, I would never have told you that you were moving to fast, because I don't think that you were. I mean, you went out on a date with him. Even in my Victorian-era playbook, that's not considered going fast. And the topics of conversation that you had...dude, I talk about that stuff with friends, acquaintances and interviewers ALL THE TIME. So, it really didn't seem all that unusual to me.

And finally...about your wall commentary. Everyone puts up walls. I put up walls too. Why you let this guy through your defences so quickly? Because you wanted to. You decided to take a chance. I'd do the same thing, but I can't deal with extra emotions at the moment. Pressure is building in all areas of my life right now, it's exciting, yet stressful.
 
Hey Jockboy,

Well mate...whats happening here is that the logical side has kicked in and quietened down the emotional a little...is that a good thing? Have you done anything so wrong that you need to shut up shop? Have you given this guy your bank account details or told him your JUB password????

Letting someone in to your life is a risk. Sure. Sharing your thoughts and fears is a risk. Sure. Trusting someone is a risk. Sure. So is loving someone. Is this not why you are going through this process? To take a chance, to move on, go forward and maybe find the person to share your future with? To bring joy and happiness to your life? Do you really believe that can be achieved with walls????

You are one of the most open and honest and sincere guys around (jmo - pretty obvious I think), do you think that changing that modus operandi is the way to handle your own life? I mean, I know you are not lying but by holding back and keeping this guy at arms length doesnt help either of you discover the real people involved here.

By all means take your time. Slow down. Catch your breath. If its meant to be time doesnt matter. The fruit has more time to ripen so to speak. But to build walls....thats not your style mate...otherwise you'd still be in the closet hiding from the world instead of contributing like you do. You'd have told no one or been honest with anyone about yourself...

Dont feel bad about taking a risk...something told you too...maybe you are ready too. Why are you rebuilding the walls...you cant take the past back. Dont over analyse this mate...you've known this guy a while yeah? Better than you think even...maybe thats why you let him in.

You had a ball, had a good time, your eyes have been opened up to a few possibilities that only a while ago you didnt think were there. All good things...dont let fear hold you back mate! You deserve better.
 
Hey, first off, congrats on the date. And yes, I don't think yer moving too fast either. I think that yer prolly playing a lot of situations in yer head, pretty much like me, heh. Just let it go where it goes, and although we don't like it, there are times we will get hurt, even by the ones we love. I think you're doing just fine and hope that you can get to know more about yerself through this. :) All the best.
 
Have you done anything so wrong that you need to shut up shop? Have you given this guy your bank account details or told him your JUB password????
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I assume this is rhetorical...but no. Haha. Actually I'm not sure I remember my jub password anymore b/c I auto-login.

And I'm not saying I won't let the walls down again... but it will be more slowly than originally done. I really haven't known him for that long... periferally for a couple of months. And yes, I'm normally a pretty good quick judge of character... but I still require people to put in the time b4 I allow them too close.

Most of the walls are internal anyway. It doesn't mean I'll stop being honest with him, but more so that I won't be so open to thinking he is this great person until I know him a bit better. So he most likely won't notice much of a difference really. But I will, b/c I will have shielded myself a bit. And yes, I know it is all about risk, but in my case, it is about calculated risk. I never throw caution to the wind when it comes to the possibility of getting hurt (emotionally that is... physically, doesn't bother me as much because I know I recover easily haha).
But to build walls....thats not your style mate...otherwise you'd still be in the closet hiding from the world instead of contributing like you do. You'd have told no one or been honest with anyone about yourself...
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Actually, it is kind of my style. And I was here a LONG time without posting. Then I was here a long time without coming out to anybody. Ask Soilwork, I think he was about ready to come find my friends and tell them for me at times b/c he was so frustrated. Being cautious with emotions is very much who I am on the inside. Once you get in though, I really am a great person.

Why are you rebuilding the walls...you cant take the past back.
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Actually, in this case I kind of can go back, in a sense. This is all internal and I realized that I made myself horribly vulnerable to a person I didn't know very well. Never a good idea in my experience b/c it normally ends up poorly. I only make myself vulnerable to people who I've learned over time that I can trust and trust deeply. I'll be honest, many people don't make that cut but that's just part of life. Why should I give A that priviledge so quickly? B/c I have feeling for him? Doesn't sound like a good reason to me.

there are times we will get hurt, even by the ones we love.
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I agree... and this Taurus has a LONG memory.

I'm not saying that I'm not seeing this guy again ever... just that I've put up the internal walls so as not to get hurt... and I think that's very healthy.
 
You do what ya gotta do eh? Just don't be overly cautious that it ruins the thing for ya. But I think you've a good head on those shoulders so you should be fine. Take it easy. What you're comfortable with.
 
I don't have any answers for you. Normally I'm cautious too, but that hasn't stopped me from suddenly dropping my defenses to let some guy in much too quickly.
 
As much experience as you have in life, this may be one of your first experiences of falling for someone since you're now dealing with the correct sex. :) I think that's why everything isn't following your normal rules, because its such a new situation.

Turn on the radio and listen to the love songs. We're all pretty dopey when it comes to falling for someone. We stop thinking clearly. We can make poor decisions. We only have eyes for them.

You are here
So am I
Maybe millions of people go by,
but they all disappear from view.
And I Only Have Eyes For You.

​
 
LOL at that sappy love song riverrick!!

ANd you're right about it being the first time with the proper sex (and sexuality I should add). But really, I need to stick to the rules no matter how hard it is. The rules gained from life experience are real and important. And while it is a bit different b/c I'm dealing with different feelings, I should apply the same human interaction rules anyway. It's hard for sure, but the rules are tried and true and perfected via way too much experience I sometimes think. What a waste if I throw them out now. The principles of people are still the same. I just have overcome my feelings a bit to make the rules work. And I think it is worth it.
 
Right on, with that sticking with your rules!

Darn you, Riverrick -- I was thinking of that same song, when I read about the walls, except this part:

I build walls, a fortress deep and mighty!
That none may penetrate....

And the last:

And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.

which is an admission that he isn't a rock, and isn't an island.
Which I think Jockboy knows, so as a warning that isn't necessary.
 
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