First Fight with BF Need Advice

[erobert]

So last night I got into a bit of a fight with my boyfriend, the first one we had. I'm going back and fourth with thinking maybe I was being unreasonable...

It happened over wanting to stay over at his place for the night due to the subway shutting down between Queens (where he lives) and northernmost tip of Manhattan (where I’m trying to move from) due to constriction after a certain (NYer's know what I'm referring to). I wasn’t watching the clock so I should have told him that the subway shuts down at a certain time so this situation wouldn’t have occurred. I noticed it was after ten and then told him to his surprise.

He was clearly a bit taken a back and tried to verify that the trains were indeed not running. He suggests that I take several other subway lines to go the 10 mile journey home, it would take 4 to get back and about 1.5 hours. (No offer to stay at his place and we’ve been together for 1 year had me a bit hurt and offended)

Then he offered to pay for a cab when I said I don’t know what I should and told him cabbies are unwilling to go uptown at this time of night

Frustrated with him not offering I said "why don’t I just stay here? I don’t want to invite myself over but it’s a major hassle to get back at this time of night..."

He then rattles off a list of excuses and appears flustered: “don’t you need to shower in the morning?” “I have trouble sleeping” “I was going to call my best friend tonight..” At this point I started getting my shoes on and was angry that he doesn't want me spending the night; “well, forget it then you clearly want me out of here… but put yourself in my shoes”

I got up to get ready to go and then he finally reluctantly let me stay the night. But I kind of wanted to go since there was a bit of tension that developed but I didn’t want to be angry on the subway so I stayed and felt guilty for doing so. He tried to break the tension a bit but we were both quiet reading in bed for the most part. The tension lingered bit into the morning and has me wondering what is going on, there might be more to the story. I wanted to tell him exactly why I angry; I don't think he got it.

We spend every weekend together and there’s no problem with that. The roommate doesn't care- what’s the deal? Was I overstaying my welcome? Should I apologize? I feel we be at the point where we don’t need to think twice about things like this.

Maybe he needs his personal time... even though he was enjoying spending the 4 hours with me before I brought up the fact the subway stops running and I was "stranded"…. Thoughts and advice?

 

[eastofeden]

Hmmm...this one is a bit hard to call. Maybe tell him what you said here and if he doesn't get it try role playing...he can be you and you him. It works really well for me and my lover and it really helps to see everything in a different light and see things you didn't realize.

He might just be a guy who is selfish about his time and not have realized how insensitive he was being...

I hope you work it out!

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Not knowing all the facts and details his attitude does seem odd considering you've been together for a year.

 

[sixthson]

First, let me say that I do not think you are wrong for feeling upset over this. His excuses seem lame to me. Besides, who minds when their bf wants to stay over?

Second, from what you have posted about your bf in the past, you guys seem way too timid and uneasy with each other for two guys who have been dating as long as you. It's almost like you barely know each other.

Third, I suspect most disagreements between couples are over ridiculous and insignificant things. Forgive each other. I know you will.

 

[Seasoned]

I think I'd begin the discussion about "wondering what was going on." You ought to be able to work through it. Do you ever spend the night there or is it just on weekends. Some people are funny about their morning before work routine.

 

[bankside]

I can't imagine having treated my guy that way. I would have been embarrassed beyond words if he had felt unwelcome, especially given the difficulty in getting home. Even before my guy and I were ready to move in together, I would welcome the chance to spend an extra night together.

It's weird. And weird enough that I don't think you know the whole story.

 

[tangential]

I'd be put out too. But you must talk about this. And more advice: never leave upset (like you were prepared to do), or at the very least acknowledge there's a problem and how you feel (rather than sit there feeling tense or ride the subway home angry); talk it out in the moment or acknowledge what you feel and make it clear you want to talk about it later.

And I agree with what's been said above; this strikes me as an oddly compartmentalized dynamic for a relationship that's a year old.

 

[silentalk]

I'd be very upset too. The guys in here are absolutely right. He had no solid excuse. I'd say he's hiding something, but don't dive into conclusions here. If it's true and he is hiding something... maybe it's just something that he thinks is embarrassing (i.e. family, sleeping habits...etc)

 

[mcbrion]

Do you spend the weekend nights with him Every week? Or is this an agreed-upon arrangement when you do and don't stay?
Do you understand him - who he really is and what his issues are, or do you skip over this in favor of sex and "being in love." Because, at no point in this post did you say, "My boyfriend and I - who love each other very much - had a fight." There is a significant difference between "having a boyfriend" and "being (consciously) in love," the second one being based on a criteria that includes discussion and trust. Many guys have "boyfriends," but couldn't even tell you his favorite color, or his biggest dream for his life, or what he feels he's failed at. In other words, to you truly know him, or is it
more a sexual and "you're hot" thing? And is there an expressed commitment, or is it unspoken?
And how old are you? Younger guys sometimes lack the experience to determine - or discuss - the level of commitment. (For that matter, so do older guys, but they (usually) have more life experience, and, one hopes, some insight into how to build a relationship).

I'm not sure that time has anything to do with the quality of a relationship and i disagree completely with those who say, 'after a year...' as though time alone makes it's 'real.' It does not. Communicaton, understanding and agreement are what makes it 'real.' And if you've not done these 3 things, then you need to start doing them, so nobody is blindsided.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for all the advice guys. We talked about it again tonight since it came up (I asked if we'd be spending the night together after dinner) After giving the above excuses he finally revealed it's the "next level after this would be moving in together" and he doesn't seem to be ready for that stage yet. Understandable but I told him that spending weeknights together doesn't mean we're going to move in together next week- we'll cross that bridge when we get there, if we get there (which would be nice to)

I think he has a big fear of commitment that I need to talk with him about. I gave him some space tonight and made the trek back to my place but there might be a bit more digging that needs to be done after a year together and an unwillingness to spend week nights with each other because it may lead to moving in together...

 

[bankside]

He doesn't have to be ready for the next level yet. But he needs to figure out the level he's at with you. You seem relationship oriented and that you're moving towards a day when you would want to move in together. I get that some people don't reach the same place at the same time, but I truly don't understand why people would fear that or find it off-putting.

 

[Homothug]

After your last post it sounds like e overacted to the request and was expecting to spend the night alone. It doesnt matter how long you been together if you dont chip in on the bills you spendng the weekends and now you wanna spend an extra night can seem suffocating.

I guess its cuz Im a sag but I need my motherfucking space

You are not wrong in the situation but if you woul have told him that there is a Possibility of you staying the night due to train issue it woukdnt have been a problem

 

[darden]

Thanks for all the advice guys. We talked about it again tonight since it came up (I asked if we'd be spending the night together after dinner) After giving the above excuses he finally revealed it's the "next level after this would be moving in together" and he doesn't seem to be ready for that stage yet. Understandable but I told him that spending weeknights together doesn't mean we're going to move in together next week- we'll cross that bridge when we get there, if we get there (which would be nice to)

that sounds a bit nuts, tbh. if his fear of commitment is so severe that he's not willing to spend a night with you, I'd question how/if you guys were even dating. are you exclusive?

that sounds like not buying a car because the next step is running a car dealership.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Thanks for all the advice guys. We talked about it again tonight since it came up (I asked if we'd be spending the night together after dinner) After giving the above excuses he finally revealed it's the "next level after this would be moving in together" and he doesn't seem to be ready for that stage yet. Understandable but I told him that spending weeknights together doesn't mean we're going to move in together next week- we'll cross that bridge when we get there, if we get there (which would be nice to)

I think he has a big fear of commitment that I need to talk with him about. I gave him some space tonight and made the trek back to my place but there might be a bit more digging that needs to be done after a year together and an unwillingness to spend week nights with each other because it may lead to moving in together...

After a year together, he acts like and says this? I am speechless.

It looks to me like you're just a convenient sex toy he invites over when he wants to get laid. I'd kick him to the curb and tell him not to call you until he's ready for a REAL relationship, this time on YOUR terms, not his. He sounds like an immature self centered brat that needs to grow up and push his boundaries a little if he wants to be in a relationship.

 

[darden]

After a year together, he acts like and says this? I am speechless.

It looks to me like you're just a convenient sex toy he invites over when he wants to get laid. I'd kick him to the curb and tell him not to call you until he's ready for a REAL relationship, this time on YOUR terms, not his. He sounds like an immature self centered brat that needs to grow up and push his boundaries a little if he wants to be in a relationship.

kinda reminds me of my ex, now that I'm thinking about it... we would spend the night together, but I was always the one initiating it and more often than not, he made it feel like I was an imposition. took me too long, but eventually I realized that he wasn't looking for a relationship, he was looking for a friend with benefits where the relationship only existed on his terms.