First Heartbreak...This really sucks.

[mattyparson]

I'm gay, I've always known, but nobody else knows. I'm also 27 and until recently, had never been intimate with anyone. Anyway, one day I finally decided it was time for me to experience new things as a gay man. I went on one of those trashy hook up sites and cast my line into the waters. Got a few "let's do it" messages here and there but I wanted something a little more meaningful.

Finally I got a message from a really cute guy who just wanted to chat. We chatted online, through texts and I even got up the nerve to call him. It was fantastic. I looked forward to hearing from him everyday. Not a single day went by without at least a dozen texts back and forth. It was great. In the interest of full disclosure, I do have to mention that he's 19 and a Freshmen in college about 20 miles away.

After days of talking, I asked him out. He was genuinely excited, we talked all day back and forth the day of our date. He kept saying how excited he was about meeting me. We met and went to dinner and had an amazing time. There were no awkward first date silences. It was perfect. I took him back to his car where we met and after talking for a few minutes I made my move. I was so nervous but I kissed him anyway. We kept kissing with such passion that I didn't want to move. Finally he asked me to come back to his place and watch a movie. We both knew what that meant, but it took me by surprise. Our date had gone great, but I guess I underestimated how well it went. We drove to the next town where he was going to school and talked and smiled the whole way. We had a great night, it was such a special connection that I could already feel myself feeling something for him, though I wasn't quite sure what it was. The next morning, as we were both half asleep, he even said he wanted me to meet his mom, which took me a little by surprise, but I thought was a good sign.

Fast forward a bit, we talked everyday, went to lunch a few days later, then I got sick so I couldn't see him for a few days but we still talked constantly. Then I got a text message from him on a Friday night saying that he had a crazy day and couldn't wait to hear from me. That was the last I heard from him for a week. I texted him, called him, emailed. The confusion turned into panic when I thought about what could have happened to him. I even started checking the obituaries everyday, praying I wouldn't find his name.

Finally a week later I get a text from him in the middle of the night. It said that he couldn't bear to keep quiet anymore, and that I was the first person in a long time who wouldn't hurt him and that I deserved better and that he was crying over what he did, but he just wanted me to move on and find someone better. We talked for a little while and he apologized over and over and said that he really wanted to see me but he couldn't forgive himself for what he did to me.

A few days later he came by my house and we talked about it. He said he was still interested in me. I said he hurt me but I forgave him and told him I just wanted to move on with him. He also told me that night that manic depression runs in his family and that he thought he had a little of it but he didn't want to take medication for it because it can really change a person. I guess that should have been a red flag.

The days went on and we talked on and off, but not with the same intensity that there once was.

Finally, last Wednesday I told him I wanted to see him before I left to go home for Christmas. He called me and said he wanted to see me too and again seemed really excited about it. We agreed on 7:30 at my house and then we'd go eat and rent a movie. He said more than once that he couldn't wait to see me. Well, he stood me up. No call, no text, nothing.

Again for the past week, I texted him and called him a few times just to see if he was ok and see if there was anything I could do. I finally saw the writing on the wall today and realized it wasn't going anywhere. He was online and I sent him a message asking him what happened. No response. I asked if any of the things he said were real. No response. Finally, I told him I just needed some closure so I could move on. He wrote, "I'm going to have to ask you to move on."

I felt relieved and broken at the same time. Relieved that I could finally let go and broken over what I thought could have been a great thing. So, now I'm sitting here typing, so confused about what happened, and one of the worst things is, I may never know what happened; what made him change his mind so quickly and without any emotion. I'll never know which of the things he said were real, and which were lies. So anyway, it pretty much sucks right now. Any advice to move on would be much appreciated.

 

[trikky]

He's only 19 and at that age his emotions are likely to be all over the place, especially if he's pretty new to the whole gay thing IMO. It is impossible to say whether the depression is true or not although I do think that there is probably more of it in gay guys due to the isolation that being closeted for years.

However having said that he did seem to be having a guilt trip after the first episode and saying he didn't want to hurt you all seems to add up to him being dishonest with you IMO and that you showing him that you were a decent guy made him feel guilty. It is time to move on here man, as I don't think this situation has any legs.

 

[hotb0d]

What I can say is the next time you meet a guy that you like, just take it slow. Don't put 100% of your effort into it and don't rush. At least now you know what to do.

It's all about trial and error with the dating scene and luck.

 

[mattyparson]

Thanks for the replies. I think I did put a little too much of my efforts into it too quickly. It just hurts when you think someone is one way and it turns out to all be a lie. The thing that confused me the most was everytime we talked, he seemed so happy. He would send me messages all the time, unprovoked, about how he couldn't wait to see me and how happy I made him. And then, complete 180. I think it probably does have a lot to do with his age. Of all the things he said, I don't really know which to believe. He mentioned the depression thing on our first date very quickly when we were talking about our families but I could tell he didn't want to dwell on it. Because he mentioned it so early, I'm inclined to think it's less likely he was lying about it. But who knows. I obviously need some time, but I think I have learned a lesson about pulling back the reins a bit and not going all in, regardless of how the other person is acting.

 

[ByronMc]

If he is truly bipolar, then neither the extreme highs or extreme lows are the real person. It takes careful and consistent medication to find the middle ground and control the disorder. But it is also part and parcel of the disorder that in the manic phase, the person is riding the high, feels they are invulnerable and does need the medication.. When they then stop the medication they crash and eventually the lows return, and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. Don't blame him; the lows can be really low, leaving the victim unable to cope.

Again, if he is truly bipolar, only he can make the changes needed. But keep in mind that most don't. So don't blame him and, above all, don't blame youself. You did nothing wrong and have no control over the situation. Cut your losses and don't get sucked in. There is no winning.

 

[rareboy]

Well that sucks for you...

Just think that if you could do it once, you'll be able to do it again.

Keep looking. Let him go.

Put your party face on and welcome the new year and everything it will bring!

 

[youngnihilist]

This kind of thing actually happens all the time, and I'm sure just about everybody on this board with some experience has gone through this more than once.

 

[Lube]

Well that sucks for you...

Just think that if you could do it once, you'll be able to do it again.

Keep looking. Let him go.

Put your party face on and welcome the new year and everything it will bring!

This kind of thing actually happens all the time, and I'm sure just about everybody on this board with some experience has gone through this more than once.

Yes.

If anything, congratulate yourself for what you did: you took a chance! And it started beautifully.

You didn't really do anything wrong other than get too excited to quickly.

The more you date the more you'll find out the right way to do things. It's a learning process.

Congratulate yourself for finally taking the chance and move on. Happy New Year, it's gonna be a good one!

 

[jaysizzles]

It does suck!

I don't think he intentionally tried to deceive you though...seems he is not in a place yet where he is capable of controlling his depression...at least he had the sense and courtesy to not string you along while he learns to deal with it.

And, there is nothing wrong with you giving your heart freely like that either; you felt it was right. You had some good life experiences in the process...you know you can love...you'll make some deserving guy very happy.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, you're young and in search of love so it all happened very fast.

The romantic thing is to believe that you meet someone and you just "know" they're the one.

After you've dated for a while, you realize that everyone is on their best behavior at first. It takes a while- dating and spending time together- to really get to know a person.

There's a difference between "falling in love" and loving someone. Both are wonderful feelings- however one tends to burn brightly and then burn out fast while the other warms up a little slower and tends to last longer.

You've done the "burn brightly and then burn out" thing. Now, get back out there and try again.

 

[kevinsexh8]

I know how u feel, I'm in a similar situation. I'm 20 and I don't know if I can believe in men again

 

[mattyparson]

Hey all,

Just wanted to say thanks again for the advice and give everyone an update. Last Thursday was the last time I talked to him over IM when he asked me to move on. This was the closest thing I've had to a gay relationship so it did sting a little extra. I cried a little, was depressed a little, realized I was better than this and finally accepted it.

I heard somewhere that if you have unresolved issues with someone you should write them a letter and not mail it, just so you can get everything out. So I did. I wrote about how I didn't know what happened and probably never would, what made someone completely give up on something so abruptly and without warning. I told him that I thought he was a really special person, but that I wish he would have been more honest with me about how he felt. And then I told him I still would like to be friends with him because I do think he's a great guy, he just needs to work on his communication skills.

So I wrote it over the course of the week, letting everything out. Today I decided to send it to him. I think it helped me with some closure. The website I used to send it let's me see whether or not he's read it.

He read it.

No response.

I don't really care if I get a response now. Just knowing that he read it and still didn't respond let's me know once and for all that he doesn't want anything to do with me. And also that he's kind of a jerk. (I'm starting to wonder if I should have taken that part about being friends out.)

So thanks everyone for the interest and the advice. I have learned one lesson: next time I'll take things a bit slower, even if the guy tells me the morning after our first date that he wants me to meet his mother and that we should plan a weekend trip away sometime. (Yep, he said both those things, yet apparently I was moving too fast)

 

[Lube]

Good to hear that you're learning from your mistakes. That's the best way to go. Congrats.

 

[kevinsexh8]

Hey all,

Just wanted to say thanks again for the advice and give everyone an update. Last Thursday was the last time I talked to him over IM when he asked me to move on. This was the closest thing I've had to a gay relationship so it did sting a little extra. I cried a little, was depressed a little, realized I was better than this and finally accepted it.

I heard somewhere that if you have unresolved issues with someone you should write them a letter and not mail it, just so you can get everything out. So I did. I wrote about how I didn't know what happened and probably never would, what made someone completely give up on something so abruptly and without warning. I told him that I thought he was a really special person, but that I wish he would have been more honest with me about how he felt. And then I told him I still would like to be friends with him because I do think he's a great guy, he just needs to work on his communication skills.

So I wrote it over the course of the week, letting everything out. Today I decided to send it to him. I think it helped me with some closure. The website I used to send it let's me see whether or not he's read it.

He read it.

No response.

I don't really care if I get a response now. Just knowing that he read it and still didn't respond let's me know once and for all that he doesn't want anything to do with me. And also that he's kind of a jerk. (I'm starting to wonder if I should have taken that part about being friends out.)

So thanks everyone for the interest and the advice. I have learned one lesson: next time I'll take things a bit slower, even if the guy tells me the morning after our first date that he wants me to meet his mother and that we should plan a weekend trip away sometime. (Yep, he said both those things, yet apparently I was moving too fast)

wow I'm so Shock, I did the same things in my case. he don't know if he read my letter but 1st of January he send me a text message wishing me a Happy New Year, i feel so Good, he is a nice guy, and i wanna be his friends but I think that I need still to move on some feelings

 

[spencer]

This kind of thing actually happens all the time, and I'm sure just about everybody on this board with some experience has gone through this more than once.

Just make sure you give guys you turn down solid closure. It's painful for them and hard for you to do, but it's the right thing to do.

This guy didn't do the right thing. He started to try but then goofed it up.

I had a similar situation and then we became friends at his request. I ended up totally backing off. Well backing off was just enough to make him want to hook up. And hooking up was just enough for him to call it quits again.

The hardest part will be not wanting to contact him again on a regular basis. The best way to move on is to put yourself back on the market.

 

[mattyparson]

Yeah, I always tell guys what's going on and let them know whether there's a future there or not. That's why I was so surprised when he wouldn't do the same for me. It was beyond frustrating to go from 90 to nothing. I mean, this was a guy that I was starting to think of as more than just a casual date. I even was looking at planning a weekend trip to go see an opera (he's a big opera buff) in a city three hours away. (Of course, I didn't tell him any of this) Anyway, I guess the faster you fall, the harder it is when it ends.