first-timer asking: Relationship vs. One-night stands?

[gavin89]

So a few months ago I decided to just act on my sexuality after 10 years in the closet.. I've met with a few gay people, just hanging out, and they all advised me that my first time shouldn't be a relationship because I'm not emotionally ready..

Being stubborn and not wanting my first time to be a one-night stand, I didn't listen to them.. I started dating this guy a couple of months ago and I'm crazy about him... We've already slept with each other once and I did have the romantic first time I've always wanted...

Problem is, now I'm wondering if all those guys were right.. Sometimes I go on this dating site, and just talk with guys.. I haven't cheated on him but I'm worried that I might... I just go on the website to have fun and flirt with guys online...

A part of me wants to have sex with some of the guys I talk to online but at the same time I really like my BF and don't wanna do anything to jeopardize our relationship...

What should I do? Stop going to the dating site? or end a great relationship just to be free?

 

[Seasoned]

Wow! You just asked THE dating question. When is a person ready to settle down? Life can be a lot of trade offs. Saying yes to the chocolate cake means saying no to all the other desserts on the menu. Have a talk with the boyfriend. My partner and I were, for the times, typical gay sluts when we met. We talked about what we missed. We were each unfaithful a couple of times. We decided that forgoing the unknown for the known was a better route and we got real creative with role play. BTW, some people have an easier time with casual sex than others. I don't know you, but your vibe suggests you're wondering about green grass next door. If your nature was to sleep around you would have already slept around.

 

[mbamike]

Gavin, that is a question only you can answer for yourself. It really depends on what you want.

I chose to play the slut card for myself. I married the first girl to come along when I was in denial and trying to live straight. I decided not to do that with my new found sexuality. I want to experience lots of guys before I decide to settle down.

The bad part about this is that sometimes I can get emotionally attached to guys with whom I have had sex. So, I have to keep my emotions in check.

I fell head over heals for the first guy to fuck me. I was just a piece of ass to him though. He broke my heart. It was months before I could hook up with a guy again.

So, be very careful. I wish you the best.

 

[glasvegas]

Don't do one night stand since you have a relationship. Trust me, ONS is a worst thing ever.

 

[Rolyo85]

I disagree. One night stands are as meaningful as you choose to make them in your head. You can get a lot of them emotionally, while still keeping things no strings attached. I think however that we are not really ready to settle down right after coming out. Too much to explore, too much repressed sexuality trying to burst through.

That said, cheating is NOT ok. It's a matter of trust and betraying that trust. THAT said, it is not cheating if he knows and doesn't mind

 

[glasvegas]

My first time I gave it to a guy and I get emotionally attached to him. And, he just used me for sex. It is a one night stand after all. Maybe I am weak or whatever or I am craving for love and attention rather than some pounding.

 

[Incognito]

Giving advice like this is really difficult because I don't know you. Perhaps I shouldn't but I love sharing this stuff.

When I first came out I fell for the first guy I ever slept with. Now he's a great guy (honesty was not his strong point, but it was a great relationship) that lasted about a year. However I needed to experience being gay like everyone else. I needed the chance to be pursued, to pursue, to go out clubbing, to do all the internet hookups and go on dates. I haven't gone back to a relationship since (I'm now 20), only now after spending a few years of a single gay lifestyle am I starting to want a relationship again.

The fact you want to chat with guys on the internet suggests you need to experience one night stands, dating, sex and all the facets of a single lifestyle.

On the other hand some people seem to go straight into a relationship and are content with that. You can't just put this guy on hold. Leaving him for the lonely wilderness of being single could be the best decision, or it could leave you feeling nothing but regret in a few months time.

Go with your intuition. Think long and hard about what you really want. Be prepared for the consequence of making the wrong decision: being single may be lonely and full of regret, while not filling your curiosity may leave you miserable and unhappy. The only way to be happy is make a decision for yourself: but just try to be a good guy in the process.

 

[KaraBulut]

Before you do anything, you should have a talk with your boyfriend.

After being together for 2 months but only having sex 1 time, it's premature to decide that sex with strangers offers you something that you can't have with your boyfriend.

The thing about casual sex is that it's always out there. There's never a shortage of guys interested in a one night stand. The same can't be said of guys that you care about. So, work on healthy communication and mindblowing sex with him before you try to decide if the grass really is greener elsewhere.

 

[ladude2011]

I disagree. One night stands are as meaningful as you choose to make them in your head. You can get a lot of them emotionally, while still keeping things no strings attached. I think however that we are not really ready to settle down right after coming out. Too much to explore, too much repressed sexuality trying to burst through.

That said, cheating is NOT ok. It's a matter of trust and betraying that trust. THAT said, it is not cheating if he knows and doesn't mind

I feel like as long as you are in a relationship with someone, sleeping with other people, well, i dont get that. I feel like if you are going to want to sleep with other people, then you shouldnt get into one in the first place. As far as the bf knowing and not minding, well, I dont consider that a very healthy relationship. I always look to my parents as the couple to lookup to, married for nearly fifty years, and still happy. I cant ever imagine my mom saying well if my dad cheats its ok, I dont mind. So I never have understood why its different in a gay relationship. When I eventually get into one, you can bet no one will be sleeping with anyone else. But I guess its different for everyone.

 

[gavin89]

Thanks guys I really appreciate all of your advice.. I think deep inside I want a relationship more than just sleeping around but I'm just worried I might be missing out on something by not hooking up with random guys...

But at the moment I have a great relationship with an amazing guy and I don't wanna ruin that... I'll talk to him about our sex life like some of you suggested...

Thnx again... Appreciate it

 

[Greenherbz]

LOL you're not missing out on anything!
keep what you have while you still have it,,, appreciate it for what it is.
Hook-ups suck, and they can be risky. Just going through the awkward/mundane task of finding someone, meeting them, acting like you really give a shit about the other person w/ small talk knowing full-well your both just there for sex....
its lame, keep your boyfriend; you'll probably have better sex with him anyway

 

[TX-Beau]

Hooking up is what you make of it. There can be a lot of pleasure in just appreciating a hot guy just for that. Nowhere is it written that there's something wrong with that, and in truth, regardless of what'e been said in here, there are more guys out there gay or straight or bi who don't have a problem with it than do.

Ultimately, everyone wants something more - which is fine as well. It's just human nature.

I prefer guys with some road under their feet - because they're usually better lovers, but if that's not your thing, that's fine also.

I don't know if you should talk to your BF about this. You've only been together a short time and well, his personality is going to have to determine that.

If I was dating you, I'd be fine with that conversation, but there are guys who will immediately think it's about him and not you.

No one loses their eyesight when they commit - everyone still finds hot guys hot, but if you are committed to him, you suck it up, that's no different for anyone and is a different question than the one about staying or going.

It's kind of hard to say with the information given. On the one hand you haven't been dating very long and if you are already worried you might cheat, that might suggest you should get out and deal with that. On the other hand you might just be a horny little fucker that needs a bunch of sex and that's as deep as it goes.

We can't answer that for you, you'll just need to wing it and pay attention to what feels right for you.