for those with a soulmate or in a ltr

[spencer]

What was it like when you first dated? Did both parties know right away it was destined for the long haul? Was it rocky? Did it start off bad then end up good? Or was it love at first sight and everything just fell into place? Lastly, was it a lot of work before you hit smooth sailing?

All my previous relationships were work. Which is partly why I've felt they weren't right in the end. I feel that I'm on the verge of a good one. I'm just curious what the beginning parts were like to some relationships. Thanks.

 

[bankside]

It wasn't Love at first site. It was possibility at first sight. It was a sense of "okay, nothing is obviously wrong with this, and I like him....let's see where it goes." And it just keeps going and going.

I don't believe in love at first sight, in fact I think that idea is delusional, creepy and just not actually true. You can have obsession at first sight, lust at first sight, but not love. That takes time. All I saw was nothing to stop it from growing.

After 11 years, it is still good. It is easier (though it always was okay) to keep our differences in perspective. We still have a lot of common ground. We still have new adventures together. We look for ways to bring each other's dreams within reach. It is a total feeling of satisfaction. Neither of us is perfect...but I want his imperfections, and only his. They are a part of him. He feels the same way, I am fortunate to say.

I am really really happy, and relieved, that I waited for the opportunity I have with him. Anything else would have been a waste of time. If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would miss him, I would be glad for the time we have had together. He would be irreplaceable, pointless to try to duplicate this experience. I'm sure eventually there would be room in my life for someone else then, but if someone else never showed up, I'd be okay with that.

By the way, I don't believe there is "only one right person" for somebody. With two conditions:
- it might take years for the right person to show up, in which case dating in the mean time is probably just a waste of time
and
- there might only be one right person at a given moment. If you have him, good!

 

[josher]

All relationships, gay or straight, friends or lovers require work.

And I'd bet, if you got enough replies here, every alternative you mentioned in your post would come up sooner or later.

 

[spencer]

So basically there is no indication of the future based up what's happened right thusfar guess I'll enjoy the moment

 

[Lube]

My current LTR-in-the-making (still not quite a year) is going swimmingly so far. So much so that it's scary.

I think you learn as you go along, and each one gets better than the previous one. That's my experience, anyway.

 

[Seasoned]

You are correct in enjoying the moment. My relationship consists of some constant conflict over what I would call the non-essentials. Our heart, spirit and emotional connection is strong. Day to day living concerns canbe a problem for us because we have different likes and dislikes and differences of opinion when it comes to people and places. So for us it is work and generally we'd both say it's worth it. Unless you partner with a clone or a doormat there have to be disagreements. Making up is always fun.

 

[G-Lexington]

It was not love at first sight. We actually met online, playing text-based video games, so I learned of his personality before I actually ever saw him. (This was before webcams and sending photos online was that common.) When I first saw him, my reaction was - and I remember this distinctly - "oh, so that's what he looks like". It wasn't negative, it wasn't positive, just sort of was.

Both of us wanted to take it slow. But it was like explosive decompression in all those sci-fi movies. We were sort of dragged into it faster than we wanted to, against our will. Finally, we both sort of said "You know what? Fuck it. Let's go for it, and if it doesn't last, it doesn't last."

So far so good.

Lex

 

[briefboy86]

It was not love at first sight. We actually met online, playing text-based video games, so I learned of his personality before I actually ever saw him. (This was before webcams and sending photos online was that common.) When I first saw him, my reaction was - and I remember this distinctly - "oh, so that's what he looks like". It wasn't negative, it wasn't positive, just sort of was.

Both of us wanted to take it slow. But it was like explosive decompression in all those sci-fi movies. We were sort of dragged into it faster than we wanted to, against our will. Finally, we both sort of said "You know what? Fuck it. Let's go for it, and if it doesn't last, it doesn't last."

So far so good.

Lex

Lex like you i met my current online. we got to know each other the same way emails, txting, and also some phone calls after about 4 days of emails. weve been together for 9 months now and only had really one disagreement

 

[Richardodessa]

My Partner and I were married this past summer, yes it's legal here, it's a real marriage not a civil union one. We met 11 years ago at a Pot Luck dinner. A mutual friend intro's us. I wasn't at all interested in him. He was 10 years younger than I and kind of hmmmmm nerdy I suppose. Upon leaving the party he handed me his card and said he hoped I'd call him. A week later I found his card and thought of what a smuck I was for not getting back to him, so I called him to say thanks but no thanks. As soon as he answered the phone he seemed so genuinely happy I called him and immediately asked me to go to a show and dinner. I said ok and the date lasted all weekend. We moved in together a few months later. We get along great and I love him and can't imagine my life without him. I believe he would say the same.

 

[Telstra]

Hmm.

When I met my last boyfriend I didn't even want to be in a relationship. He seemed nice, so I gave it a go, but I didn't think it would last very long and for the first couple months I was just indifferent I guess.

At some point all of a sudden I realised that he'd become the most important thing in my life. And that somehow he was giving me all the parts that I don't have on my own. I'd say it was a fairly easy relationship. It was always so comfortable.

After 2 and a half years it's like I couldn't function without him. But then it stopped, so what do I know really? Maybe all any of us ever do is mess eachother up.

Why stopped? His fault or your fault.



good thread by the way.

 

[NineOfClubs]

OK, this will sound silly.

But for me, it felt like some sort of reunion. Like we had been together 1000's of years ago and had found each other again.

 

[spencer]

My Partner and I were married this past summer, yes it's legal here, it's a real marriage not a civil union one. We met 11 years ago at a Pot Luck dinner. A mutual friend intro's us. I wasn't at all interested in him. He was 10 years younger than I and kind of hmmmmm nerdy I suppose. Upon leaving the party he handed me his card and said he hoped I'd call him. A week later I found his card and thought of what a smuck I was for not getting back to him, so I called him to say thanks but no thanks. As soon as he answered the phone he seemed so genuinely happy I called him and immediately asked me to go to a show and dinner. I said ok and the date lasted all weekend. We moved in together a few months later. We get along great and I love him and can't imagine my life without him. I believe he would say the same.

Richard, I love this post, in that, this is testament to all the things you need to do to get yourself out there in order to find what you want (it takes effort). And with the right execution you can have something great.

1) You went to a pot luck dinner. People post on here, how do I meet men, where do I go, etc. You just have to go out and be available everywhere you are.

2) You weren't interested in him but he went after you. How many times does someone not realize they want something until it is presented to them? How many time are we chicken shit and think about what might have been?

3) He handed you his card. That's effort too. It makes a lasting impression, says he has a job. He put it out there.

4) The moment he got you on the phone he did what most people don't do when they get a call. They make specific plans. It's what I've read is the way to talk on the phone is to nail down a date. There's no uncomfortable silence, there's no small talk, it's short sweet and right to the point and it worked on you.

5) The date lasted all weekend. He obvoiusly knew what to do and played his cards right to seal the deal. Again, hard to do.

What I didn't like is your reference to your marriage being real, just because it's not legal here doesn't mean ours is any less of a union

 

[spencer]

Thanks for the posts guys.

The reason why this one is more important for me is what I have vested in this guy. I've known this guy from afar for a long time (october will be 2 years I first saw him).

Last year, I saw him out with a group of friends (didn't realize he was the guy from october before). He was gorgous, exactly my type. He was the guy that if I had to scan the room, he'd be the guy I'd pick out.

So I waited for him to be the weak lamb in the pack, drawn to the side and came in for the kill, fully expecting to be shot down. Our conversation great, we got along instantly. Had a lot in common. Well I asked for his number and I thought things would be great. Well they were but I found out he was emotionally unavailable (wasn't over his ex). The timing was off.

Fast forward to now. He's back in my life and things are great so far. He's no longer hung up on his ex. He's made mention of how we are good for each other long term (originally why I liked him). We are both Catholic (I know) and it's hard to find that. We both want kids. We have similar pasts (aren't into hooking up, lookin for ltr, not many relationships) And he's not out at work so he doesn't have that problem with me.

I'm just a big apprehensive because we didn't work out the first time because he wasn't "available" but I didn't want to make excuses for him.

Guess we'll see. Again thanks for the posts.

 

[FLGG2007]

NineOfClubs, have to agree with you. My lover (15 years now, and 27 years his senior), and I saw each other at a function after talking on line for a while. We just looked in each others eyes, and knew we had know each other somewhere, sometime in the past. It was a reunion of souls. We're still together. Comfortable with the age difference, and considered the odd couple by our friends, gay and straight.

 

[Richardodessa]

What I didn't like is your reference to your marriage being real, just because it's not legal here doesn't mean ours is any less of a union [/quote]


real as in a legally sanctioned marriage as apposed to a civil union. One is not better than the other and I never suggested that. In Canada that is the biggest commitment we have available to us just as in other countries Civil Unions are the biggest commitment available, and in some countries, hidden agreements to meet candlescently for the rest of life or until the law finds out is a biggest commitment available. In many thoughts, the latter may be the biggest committment of all in countries like Eygpt, Iran etc... but not better.

Real is meant as a fact not a statement of quality.

Thanks

 

[rareboy]

Or was it love at first sight and everything just fell into place?

Yup.

And then it was more like it required care and attention, not work.

 

[spencer]

I guess I felt you did suggest otherwise cause usually people who say they're married are actually married and don't point it out not unioned. curious as to why the clarification needed to be mentioned as no one would question your marital status anyway?

 

[JB3]

It was not love at first sight. We actually met online, playing text-based video games, so I learned of his personality before I actually ever saw him. (This was before webcams and sending photos online was that common.) When I first saw him, my reaction was - and I remember this distinctly - "oh, so that's what he looks like". It wasn't negative, it wasn't positive, just sort of was.

Both of us wanted to take it slow. But it was like explosive decompression in all those sci-fi movies. We were sort of dragged into it faster than we wanted to, against our will. Finally, we both sort of said "You know what? Fuck it. Let's go for it, and if it doesn't last, it doesn't last."

So far so good.

Lex

Wow. You pretty much described what I'm going through at the moment. Good to hear things are working out though.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

My partner and I have been together 12 years. We met first online and did NOT like each other. I met a friend of his online and when I ran into the friend out in the bars, he became attracted to me.

I thought he was totally out of my league, so I was just myself. The first time we had dinner, I told him all the adventures I have had in life.

I had no idea he was interested for about a week or so.

He invited me along with a bunch of friends to go to Austin Texas for Splash - Memorial Day (for those who don't know - it's the best lake party for the boys in the country). We connected on the trip. Stayed together in Dallas that Monday night and have been together every since.

Everyone has tough times, it is my opinion that you have to find someone with compatible values, ethics and lifestyle. Specifically, spending habits, social habits (btw - he's an introvert, I am very extroverted), religion, cleanliness, family backgrounds and obvious dysfunction (drug habit, etc), then it's just about working it out. Some people do go through major changes that can't be dealt with, e.g. start drugs, etc., but MOST of the time, it's just having enough things to keep you together when you want to FLEE.

We have a business together, house, our families all know each other (at one point neither of us would tell our family we wanted to break up), just need things to keep you together until you realize why you were together.

Be willing to change and accept some things you thought were non-negotiable - because you may find that some of your absolutes become roadblocks to long-term relationship (my bf decided to smoke for a few years - made me NUTS), and finally, remember, YOU aren't always the best person to live with and you have your own shit that you hoist upon the other partner.

All of our friends are together for 10 years+ (one is 25 years) and we all agree that tying yourself up together to get through the bad times, is the thing that keeps us hanging in there.

Jeff's Common Sense Relationship Advice - It's all Free - probably worth that, but there you have it.

 

[JB3]

My partner and I have been together 12 years. We met first online and did NOT like each other. I met a friend of his online and when I ran into the friend out in the bars, he became attracted to me.

I thought he was totally out of my league, so I was just myself. The first time we had dinner, I told him all the adventures I have had in life.

I had no idea he was interested for about a week or so.

He invited me along with a bunch of friends to go to Austin Texas for Splash - Memorial Day (for those who don't know - it's the best lake party for the boys in the country). We connected on the trip. Stayed together in Dallas that Monday night and have been together every since.

Everyone has tough times, it is my opinion that you have to find someone with compatible values, ethics and lifestyle. Specifically, spending habits, social habits (btw - he's an introvert, I am very extroverted), religion, cleanliness, family backgrounds and obvious dysfunction (drug habit, etc), then it's just about working it out. Some people do go through major changes that can't be dealt with, e.g. start drugs, etc., but MOST of the time, it's just having enough things to keep you together when you want to FLEE.

We have a business together, house, our families all know each other (at one point neither of us would tell our family we wanted to break up), just need things to keep you together until you realize why you were together.

Be willing to change and accept some things you thought were non-negotiable - because you may find that some of your absolutes become roadblocks to long-term relationship (my bf decided to smoke for a few years - made me NUTS), and finally, remember, YOU aren't always the best person to live with and you have your own shit that you hoist upon the other partner.

All of our friends are together for 10 years+ (one is 25 years) and we all agree that tying yourself up together to get through the bad times, is the thing that keeps us hanging in there.

Jeff's Common Sense Relationship Advice - It's all Free - probably worth that, but there you have it.

This ^ is some of the best advice I've seen on here. In my own situation, I've noticed myself subtly changing things. Its really hard to describe. But I do find myself being open to things I might not have considered, even little things like TV shows. Its also making me notice things about my personality that I would have otherwise ignored, thinking to the future in case it reaches that point. (even though we're far from that point in our relationship) And its amazing how knowing someone will be there for you when there's a bad day, or there when there's a good one, is an immensely powerful thing.