Forever alone.

[wrestlingobsessed]

Well here's the story, I am 26 years old now and have never had a relationship. I just dont think it will ever happen for me because I am boring as fuck, no personality, quiet,shy,nervous,suffer with depression on and off a large majority of my life. I barely have any friends, lost contact with people I've met in school, college. I dont know how my life has turned out to be so lonely, spend most of the time by myself, walking, going to the shops. I've had some down days in the past where I want to kill myself but dont have the guts as the
only way I can do it is take some pills which I have done in the past. I just don't know how to make friends, the only way I have any chance is through dating apps where I have met some guys for drinks but it has mostly only been the one time with it not going anywhere.

A lot of guys on these dating sites are looking for people who are funny and can make them laugh which I just can't do. They say you shouldn't compare yourself to other people but I do sometimes because I see guys younger than me have boyfriends and here I am still on the shelf. I just wanna be loved and love someone back, be happy. I want to be able to go on holidays with someone by my side. I already have been to 4 different countries on my own this year and I just can't do it anymore. It just is extremely lonely.

 

[badbug]

Not sure what to tell you,

I am in sort of a similar boat but a little different.


I have had 3 serious enough relationships, in my 34 years, but i don't really enjoy them. I think that i do, like i have been alone for almost 3 years now and miss having someone. The problem is, when i am with someone, i feel that they don't really want to be with me.

I am not sure how to explain, other than maybe the same situation you are in, where deep inside i don't feel like i am good enough.....even if i look at the person i am with, and think in my head "they're lucky to have me" i don't feel it. I feel like i am not attractive enough or successful enough or just am plain too weird and they're sick of my weirdness.


I don't think i can love anyone back because i don't think anyone could really love me. Nice.


So yeah, i don't believe in love. Even though i really want it. And i don't believe i could be good enough for anyone, even though that's really all i ever wanted to be.


Umm....so the boat part,


I think we both have to learn to like ourselves as "gay" as that sounds. It's hard for other people to like you if you don't like yourself. Even if they nod their head and go "you're great, no you're fine the way you are" just the fact you are complaining about the way you are turns them off on some level.


BTW, when i read "26" i see that as young. I guess it's almost not young....but you've got time to figure this out.


Also, one of the reasons i don't kill myself is that who knows what the future will be? Maybe in 20 years they'll have wicked awesome sex robots, a pill that makes you look like 23 year old Brad Pitt and another pill that lets you eat whatever you want and not gain any weight.


As for the liking yourself, i've found philosophy a big help. It doesn't make me like myself, but i do hate everyone equally as i hate myself.

 

[aaggii]

What do you enjoy doing that involves other people? Try for example to volunteer somewhere, helping others will help you mentally. Also search if anywhere close to you there are groups for people who share the same problems as you. If you can, seek a therapist, I know it sounds bad, but a good one can make a major change in your life.

As for the apps, don´t worry too much about it, everywhere in the world it seems that 90% of the guys using it are idiots. I know it sucks to be alone, but running for a relationship is not the answer. You´ll most probably force it, be not-so-happy etc. Just meet people, join groups, stuff like that.

When I changed countries, other than my bf I didn´t know many people. I got a dog, cause I was bored out of my mind and thanks to that, I met a LOT of people. Maybe you could get one too, to help each other?

 

[Seasoned]

I see a lot of hope for you and I'll tell you why. You've done a self-assessment and, for the most part, refrained from self-pity. You've brought the issue here and that's an excellent step. Keep that notion of an overdose deeply buried until it's totally forgotten.

It would be good for you to reframe and rethink your problem. It's impossible to go through life without some physical and emotional issues. We are all conditioned to seek help for physical pain, but when it comes to emotions many of us are at a loss and sometimes seem trapped. Too many of us grew up with parents in the same trap. Phrases like, "stop crying," "I'll give you something to cry about," and anything "don't you dare..." When we expressed anger taught us to shut down emotions, hide them or to be confused as to which emotion was which. If so affect, as adults we have a responsibility to sort out mental health issues the same as we would physical ones.

That's one issue. The other is personality, something we all have and something I believe we are born with. While the personality we are born with might always be our natural fallback, we can affect changes to it until the are comfortable and seemingly natural and not at all phony. Case in point: I was horribly introverted to the point I could go unnoticed. A few years ago I told a friend that I was introverted and she burst out laughing. That ought to tell you that you can make changes if you want to. I observed behaviors that I wish I had and copied them until I was at least moderately comfortable with them. I started with small talk, something I had dismissed as unnecessary. It's what greases most social activities and by doing it I began to fit in.

Therapy and group therapy is great, too, insofar as it helps place you in the world as a member rather than an outsider. There's some great advice here about finding groups to join or volunteering somewhere. Being appreciated does wonders for self-esteem, and once that grows and develops self-doubt fades.

Hint: From not on when you self-critique and think, " I don't have, I can't, I'm not," etc, add the word "yet." That will keep you hopeful and open to change. Best wishes from "grandpa."

 

[sixthson]

There is an old proverb that says for a man to have a friend he must show himself friendly. The point is that there is no way around the fact you must make the effort. Chances are, you are far more likable than you think. We are all our own worst enemies. As badbug says, he ruins relationships because he believes he cannot be loved or doesn't deserve to be love even though he is with someone who is there by choice.
One of the important reasons for friendships is the role they play in preparing you for a loving relationship with another person. Friends smooth out the rough edges of your personality. They don't let you get away with your shit...at least if they are good friends. They also encourage you in your strengths.
As aaggii said, he met people when he got a dog. Not all of these people became his friends, but it did get him to interact with others and help to deal with loneliness. There is a big danger in isolating, otherwise.

Wrestlingobsessed and badbug, I can tell from both of you that you are better than you think. There is a tenderness to what and how you post. You have not yet given yourself over to complete bitterness. Don't let that happen ever. Don't turn anger, contempt or blame inward. Many people have had to kiss lots of frogs before they found their prince.
Take this time when you are single to work on your mental and emotional health so that if and when a relationship appears, you are as healthy as you can be. Just remember, no one is ever without shortcomings. Relationship should not be the ultimate goal, I think. You should work toward having happy relationships of all kinds and a fulfilling life. You can do it, don't let it overwhelm you.

Oh, and forget about doing yourself in.

 

[PalacePaul]

When I changed countries, other than my bf I didn´t know many people. I got a dog, cause I was bored out of my mind and thanks to that, I met a LOT of people. Maybe you could get one too, to help each other?

Interesting. I was in the same situation as the OP. When I changed countries I was alone in a strange place where I could hardly speak the language. It was very hard at first but facing every problem and being on my own changed me for good. I found myself to be stronger than I ever thought. I had to develop social skills because I had no option. In the end I was proud of myself.
I'm still single and don't know how to make new friends... they just come unexpected when you are ready for them.
I'm not saying you should do the same, but going out of your comfort zone and taking some challenge would change your points of view on yourself and others.

 

[frankifab]

I never had a relationship eitehr I'm 29 , but I'm not hard on myself , you call yourself boring as fuck with no personality .Comeon you cant do that ..You must respect and appreciate yourself and have self steem and learn your worth .I get depressed at times cus of my loneliness but I have hope someday I meet someone special , if it happens it will be awesome and if it doesnt , well there are otther important things in life..a partner gives joy but it isnt main life's aim

 

[hotatlboi]

Well here's the story, I am 26 years old now and have never had a relationship.

I never had a relationship eitehr I'm 29

Never give up.

I had never had any relationship until I was 30. I met my bf earlier this year (I'm 31 now) and we've been together 8 months so far.

The past does NOT equal the future.

Every day could be the day you meet the person you want.

But if you live in despair and sabotage yourself with feelings of self doubt and loathing that will not attract the person you want. Work on becoming someone compelling that will attract the person you want instead.

 

[dolidee]

Never give up.

I had never had any relationship until I was 30. I met my bf earlier this year (I'm 31 now) and we've been together 8 months so far.

The past does NOT equal the future.

Every day could be the day you meet the person you want.

But if you live in despair and sabotage yourself with feelings of self doubt and loathing that will not attract the person you want. Work on becoming someone compelling that will attract the person you want instead.

You have a point but its not that easy to do, i myself am still having problems with who i am (25y).
I cant love myself for who i am so its really difficult for me to find love.
My first relationship (women) ended so bad i'm still recovering from it but i don't see any progress.

 

[wrestlingobsessed]

My problem isn't just that I havn't had a boyfriend, it is that I can't make or maintain any life long friends. I've been let down in the past by someone who just stopped making contact with me. I had another setback last night, the only place I can attempt to make a chat with some guys is on Grindr and that is a frustrating place to be. There is no other option to make any girl friends. I appreciate all the comments but I am being realistic, majority of guys and people are not to be trusted.

 

[dolidee]

My problem isn't just that I havn't had a boyfriend, it is that I can't make or maintain any life long friends. I've been let down in the past by someone who just stopped making contact with me. I appreciate all the comments but I am being realistic, majority of guys and people are not to be trusted.

I'm in the same boat as you my friend, i lost many friends in my bad days and find it very hard to make new ones or even find them.
Know that you are not alone in this world and people here are willing to help you in a way. If you want to talk just let me know.

Oli

 

[lovestoned222]

Hi5 broh :/

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Well here's the story, I am 26 years old now and have never had a relationship. I just dont think it will ever happen for me because I am boring as fuck, no personality, quiet,shy,nervous,suffer with depression on and off a large majority of my life. I barely have any friends, lost contact with people I've met in school, college. I dont know how my life has turned out to be so lonely, spend most of the time by myself, walking, going to the shops. I've had some down days in the past where I want to kill myself but dont have the guts as the
only way I can do it is take some pills which I have done in the past. I just don't know how to make friends, the only way I have any chance is through dating apps where I have met some guys for drinks but it has mostly only been the one time with it not going anywhere.

A lot of guys on these dating sites are looking for people who are funny and can make them laugh which I just can't do. They say you shouldn't compare yourself to other people but I do sometimes because I see guys younger than me have boyfriends and here I am still on the shelf. I just wanna be loved and love someone back, be happy. I want to be able to go on holidays with someone by my side. I already have been to 4 different countries on my own this year and I just can't do it anymore. It just is extremely lonely.

Excuse me... I couldn't help the nation after "Location:".

Are you perchance a strawberry or a ginger?

 

[Zenomorphology]

I was single for most of my life, dated 1 guy, he was nice and all but as I look back on it he was an alcholic. I didn't sign up for that trust me.

There was this guy on Gay.Com that kept trying to meet me, after 3 years I finally gave in, and now on January 9th I will propse to him....we have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10....

I really feel that when the time is right it will happen, and don't be picky...LOL....I know I was when I was younger, now its whats in the heart....not how they look, muscular, thin, good looks...open your heart, look around...reach out take a chance, sometimes that guy you might not like is the one....and I should Know I worked in a gay bar for 10 years in the coat room...I saw it all the time...people interested in one and the one he was interested in was not interested for what eve reason....

Ill say this any full time relationship is full time work, needs nurture....even after 14 years we still work on it....hang in there it will happen.

 

[72-Jay]

Well here's the story, I am 26 years old now and have never had a relationship. I just dont think it will ever happen for me because I am boring as fuck, no personality, quiet,shy,nervous,suffer with depression on and off a large majority of my life. I barely have any friends, .

Up that age to something over 40, and remove 'depression' from the list of things... then you basically have me...

 

[Zenomorphology]

Up that age to something over 40, and remove 'depression' from the list of things... then you basically have me...

Change is never easy, but if you don't change then you will continue down the same path that you are on now.

I am NOT a licensed psychologist, nor are the views I am about to express the view point of the owners or other forum viewers and or posters.

It is very easy to continue doing what ever one individual decides to do. For years I was that tried to please everyone and by that I mean, if work asked me to do overtime I just did it, if someone asked me to cover a shift I did it, if customers yelled at me I stood there and took on their abuse. As a result it left little time for myself.

So one day while looking at my Bonsai Trees I noticed one summer they were dying. I am talking trees that were my first trees so they were at the time 15 years old, not a great age but for me it was an accomplishment....and as I looked at them I noticed that some branches had died. I decided right then and there that if I could not just have 30min to myself every week to care and tend to my trees than like the branches of those trees I too was dying on the inside. Because my trees are a reflection of who I am...if my trees are green and vibrant and healthy then so am I, and if they are not that means there is something wrong ....

I realized that I was tired of working till 11pm at night, I was tired of not having a single weekend off, a single holiday off, having to skip time with family, having to get up at 7am to be at work just to be there till ...well only god knew when...so I took the biggest gamble of my life...I up and quit my job....right in the middle of the shift....looked at my coworkers, called the boss and just said enough is enough ... I walked out...never to return, and I never ever looked back.

The result, was a rough rough road for sure. But it was ME that changed, and change is a very scary thing...but if you don't change then you are going to continue on in life the same way you are now.

You need to reach out, and step outside of the box that defines you. For me it was afraid to go anywhere by myself, no shopping for food, clothes, books etc...was not a problem...but going to a movie, a concert, a restaurant, a walk on a trail, a day trip to an amusement park, or getting on a plane to go vacation somewhere.

I did those things in small steps, and after a while I realized that no one cared...in the sense it was not like people were pointing at me, whispering behind my bank saying OMG he is all by himself. I even drove out to Astronomical Star Parties...a place where people bring their telescopes and view the night sky for a weekend....I set up my tent, and started talking to people and had a great time.

You are only limited by what you do. I am NOT saying to change all at once, that is a total metamorphosis ...just take baby steps...do something you have never done before.

For example this spring, I am going to go down to the country dance bar and take a few lessons on line dancing...I have never been there, never done it but I am going to do it.

so even today I am trying to expand my boundaries, is it comfortable to do .... not at all...but if you don't do something different, no matter how small of a step then how do you expect anything to change?

 

[72-Jay]

Wow Zenomorphology, great post.

I used to be sorta afraid to do much alone, and for the most part was one of those people who (other than going to work) just stayed home doing nothing.
Then 5 or 6 years ago I decided that I was going to get out and start walking, which I found I liked doing... so a couple times a week I'd stop by the local park after work for a walk. Eventually I started checking out some of the trails in mountain parks, and found in general I love going on hikes or walks whether it was alone with a family member (actually quite a nice peacful walking/hiking on a trail with no-one around ) So I feel I did better myself there.
Ofcourse being my luck in life.. due to knee/leg issues that started just over a year ago, I was able to do very little hiking last year (I did miss it too.. nothing like a summer afternoon out in nature. I would rather be there than sitting infront of the computer wasting time)
But what can you do? getting old sucks.

Around that same time I decided to start walking, I also decided I was also going to do a few other things I'd wanted to do but never did out of fear of 'going alone'/crowds/'somebody might see me'/etc...one of those events was PrideFest down in the city, I went and actually enjoyed it.
Since then I've gone to that plus other (non-GLBT) things too. I can say I pretty much have no 'fear' of doing things by myself now I even kinda broke my fear of crowds .

As for being single/never having dated/never been in a relationship/etc.....I am one of those people that is completely unloveable (for lots of reasons), and just in general its best if I don't even try to make friends or anything more.
I don't look as being single as being a bad thing, but rather 'just the way it is'.

 

[dairyking469]

Same here...and its Valentine's Day...

 

[kallipolis]

Today, live as if you know that tomorrow, you will die.