forgive my father?

[IAMTHATIAM]

LIER.

This world IS A MESS.

This LIER is what he is--LIER.

 

[Daetjo]

hey guys, thanks for reading and for supporting

i meant to write this earlier but i took some days off on xmas/new year and now i have to work like crazy.

anyway, as i was saying, we met at the mall, we recognized him from far away because of the similarity with my older brother, if he my brother shaved his beard they could be twins lol, we went to him and we shaked hands, first thing he says is something like "you seem like you turned like great guys, your mom should be proud", my brother said "she had a great help from our stepfather, he was more than a dad to us", then i gave my brother "the look" because in the car we said we wouldnt make dramas or turn against him, we wanted to keep cool and kind of proove we didnt really missed him at all or needed him in our life, we grew up fine without him, if you know what i mean, we werent there to recieve a big hug and cry together, it was more out of curiosity, then our father said "sorry im not good with words and im nervous", he asked about our lifes, what did we study, etc, you know that stuff, then we finaly asked why leave a son and a pregnant wife and just leave and all of a sudden contact us after 27 years, he said their marriage wasnt working, it was yelling and fighting 24/7, he realised the alcohol problem was too big and in that enviornment he would keep drinking and drinking, so eventualy at work he met another woman who was understanding and they started making plans together (this was before he knew my mom was pregnant of us), they ended up getting too involved with eachother, making big plans and when he asked for divorce thats when my mom told him she was pregnant but she told him he could just leave and never look back, everyone would be better without him (in our birth certificate we dont have a father btw), he said his first plans was to leave for a couple of years for rehab and when sober come back, but time passed by and his then new wife was already with a child and pregnant of another, they already had a steady life, he was sober and decided now thats his family and since he wasnt a good father before he wanted to raise these children properly. (to be honest with you, he is full of bullshit and he wasnt really sorry at all, he couldnt even look us in the eyes).

he kept saying how sorry he was but his lack of "regret" and "decent excuses" and a lack of understanding that to grow up without meeting his biological father because he basicly abandoned us is terrible and should be a crime, in 27 years i never felt angry with him but in that moment when he was talking i felt like he is the worst person on earth, because who the hell just leave and raise 2 perfect girls (as he says they are) and is sober for like 25 or 26 years and still married to the same woman she left with, why during our childhood he didnt bother thinking about us, i suck it up and listened to everything he said, pretend i didnt care that he wasnt there in any moment of my life, but to be honest i felt like telling him the worst things and tell him he should be in jail, but that wasnt the reason i wanted to meet him, the reason i wanted to meet him wasnt to show how angry i was inside and to be honest i dont even have a big reason, it was just curiosity and what the hell, lets see what he looks like and what he does in his life.

we didnt talk for long, half a hour probably, my brother was the first to say "we really have to go", we shaked hands and i told him i wish the best of luck in his life and if we want to meet again we will call and told him dont bother trying to contact my older brother because when he has something in his mind he wont change and he definitly wont meet or talk to you, we told him we were there without them knowing and we will keep it this way because we dont want trouble, we lived fine for 27 years we dont want to change that, he said he completely understands and said goodbye hope to see you guys soon.

in our way home we talked a lot about this and we both agreed he didnt seemed to be sorry enough and he didnt really seem to regret, i didnt expect him to cry his eyes out, but i expected more, i dont know, i felt like the reason he tried to contact us was for my older brother, he was the one he tried to call and both times he called our home he said he wanted to talk to him, maybe the way he treated him, i dont know, but meeting us for him i dont think it was a big deal.

it didnt end up very well but it wasnt bad either, life will continue the same for us (without him), and i dont think i will ever contact him again, for us it was just someone standing there, no emotional connection at all, good thing was when we arrived home i gave my stepdad a big hug lol.

 

[Seasoned]

Sorry it didn't go as well as you had hoped.

I can't help thinking it's odd your mother didn't have him listed on your birth certificate. That had to have been disconcerting. Whose last name did you grow up with?

I can understand your brother's bitterness but I don't think your mother did you and you twin any favors by keeping a hatred of her first husband alive.

If no repair is possible you would be better served by focusing on what you have rather than on what you don't. You are quite lucky to have a loving dad in the person of your stepdad. He sounds quite remarkable.

Best wishes to you.

 

[yhtang]

Thank you for the update, and I feel that your meeting with your biological father went as well as it could. I think your feeling that your biological father was more interested in meeting your elder brother than you both is correct. After all, he has never seen the two of you before.

I sense that your curiosity has been satisfied, and I believe things will fall back to the status quo. If your curiosity had been satisfied, I think it was a worthwhile adventure meeting the mystery man who happens to be your biological father.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you for updating us about the rest of your story. That was a very raw and defining experience for you. I'm glad you went through with it, and now you know.

I want to elaborate more on the decisions your father made. Perhaps it will explain why you felt like he wasn't remorseful enough.


Your father made a choice to completely restart his life. I believe he was sincere in the beginning to get better and come back to some level of being a father to you. However, he got caught up in his new life with this new woman. As wrong as his infidelity was, it somehow gave him the motivation and strength to sober up. Unfortunately, these actions also started a new family for him, with new children of his own.

I believe your father was scared. He was scared that if he went back and reconnected with your mother and you guys, that he would have relapsed. The drama and anger of her resentment would have brought back that psychological click in his brain to start drinking again just as he did before when he fought with your mother all the time. His old problems would have crept into his new life. So it was just easier for him to let go, and focus on his new family.

It was wrong, and it is a sin your father will have to live with for the rest of his life. Yes, he is not that remorseful because he knows for his own limitations, abandoning you was the best he could do from falling apart. However, he still has to live with it. He did, after all, spend hours searching for you to find some kind of resolution to know you are okay. A man's children will always be part of him. Even if he never knew you, he knows you are his. Sons are special to a man, and he will never be whole from abandoning you.

People are driven to make hurtful and difficult choices. You know it was right that he left you. You would have grown up in a household of yelling, screaming, abuse, and alcohol. Your childhood was saved because your father willingly took on the role of being the asshole. In return, your mother found a wonderful new husband who has been the best father to you and your brothers. Despite the pain and abandonment, life turned out for the better. Instead of that man you met at the mall, you had a good step-dad in his place, and peace in your mother's heart.

So don't feel angry. Don't hold it against your father. The only thing he should have done differently was send your mother checks to financially support you and your brothers. I know that was hard on her to take care of all of you by herself for awhile. He should have at least done that. However, everything else was for the best. Your biological father filled his role. He made you, and you are special. For that, you must always be thankful for. For better or for worse, you live because of your father's past love for your mother.

 

[Blueboy369]

How close are you with your older brother? I think he deserves to have full disclosure on all matters concerning your bio-father. He may not realize it but he needs closure on this matter, especially because of the abuse he endured. Tell him about your meeting and let him decide for himself if he wants to follow suit. Congrats on going through with the meeting, everyone deserves closure.

On a side note. Call your father so that he can put you in touch with your sisters. If your father has a problem with coming clean to his wife, that's his problem. Your sisters are innocent in all of this and meeting them could be the one good thing you get from this.

 

[bankside]

You will never regret giving him the chance to own up to his mistakes, and I think you will never regret ignoring him since he failed to do it. You didn't need to yell at him because a stranger has no business knowing your thoughts, and that is what he chose to be.

I agree with you. If he could get sober and raise two girls all those years, he owed you the same and the fact that he got it together for them just adds insult to injury. After this long what could he possibly do to make it up to you? Especially if he still doesn't get it.

But you know the answer to your question. And you know by showing the courage to reach out to him that you are your own man and not following in his footsteps by running away from a difficult situation.

 

[ryanboy]

Beautifully said. I agree with you 100%.

Thank you for updating us about the rest of your story. That was a very raw and defining experience for you. I'm glad you went through with it, and now you know.

I want to elaborate more on the decisions your father made. Perhaps it will explain why you felt like he wasn't remorseful enough.


Your father made a choice to completely restart his life. I believe he was sincere in the beginning to get better and come back to some level of being a father to you. However, he got caught up in his new life with this new woman. As wrong as his infidelity was, it somehow gave him the motivation and strength to sober up. Unfortunately, these actions also started a new family for him, with new children of his own.

I believe your father was scared. He was scared that if he went back and reconnected with your mother and you guys, that he would have relapsed. The drama and anger of her resentment would have brought back that psychological click in his brain to start drinking again just as he did before when he fought with your mother all the time. His old problems would have crept into his new life. So it was just easier for him to let go, and focus on his new family.

It was wrong, and it is a sin your father will have to live with for the rest of his life. Yes, he is not that remorseful because he knows for his own limitations, abandoning you was the best he could do from falling apart. However, he still has to live with it. He did, after all, spend hours searching for you to find some kind of resolution to know you are okay. A man's children will always be part of him. Even if he never knew you, he knows you are his. Sons are special to a man, and he will never be whole from abandoning you.

People are driven to make hurtful and difficult choices. You know it was right that he left you. You would have grown up in a household of yelling, screaming, abuse, and alcohol. Your childhood was saved because your father willingly took on the role of being the asshole. In return, your mother found a wonderful new husband who has been the best father to you and your brothers. Despite the pain and abandonment, life turned out for the better. Instead of that man you met at the mall, you had a good step-dad in his place, and peace in your mother's heart.

So don't feel angry. Don't hold it against your father. The only thing he should have done differently was send your mother checks to financially support you and your brothers. I know that was hard on her to take care of all of you by herself for awhile. He should have at least done that. However, everything else was for the best. Your biological father filled his role. He made you, and you are special. For that, you must always be thankful for. For better or for worse, you live because of your father's past love for your mother.

 

[Adrusek81]

This story would be sad, were it not a cautionary tale about the dangers of overestimating the value of family ties. The truth is that parents not only have the obligation of looking after the children they engendered, but they also must earn the love, trust and respect of these children by establishing a healthy and strong emotional connection from early on. Your father failed to do this and, while you are lucky that he was not a part of your childhood, it is outrageous that he would try to rebuild a bridge that he so selfishly and cruelly burned away years ago, when he left your mother's and older brother's lives in disarray, expecting them and his unborn children to deal with the pain and trauma of his violent tendencies and alcoholism. That individual doesn't deserve to call himself a man, in my opinion.

But what is most infuriating is the fact that he has rebuilt a healthy and happy life with his former mistress, bringing up two daughters in a functional environment while not showing any concern for his other children. What if your mother hadn't been able to support you, and you had ended up homeless or in foster care? What if you had died in an accident? This person shouldn't have the opportunity to alleviate his conscience while portraying himself as a victim of the circumstances and your mother's temper. Your older brother is right, and so is your mother: he isn't worth the pain and aggravation of revisiting old wounds. God knows why he has come back, but you shouldn't allow such a monstrously selfish individual to enter your life. Your only link is biological, and that cannot compare to the respect, compassion, support and affection that your real family have shown to you, and each other.

You are doing the right thing by not contacting him any more, and it's best if you just view this as a slightly strange, but ultimately life affirming experience.

 

[Daetjo]

thanks for the comments guys.

I grew up with my mother last name unlike my older brother that has my biological father last name, she choose not to list him as the father so our certificates says unknown father, when they divorced, by law he would be obligated to send money every month to my older brother till he turned 18, but he didnt send any and my mom didnt complain with the authorities about it because she wanted him as far as possible and she didnt want to feel she "owe" him anything.
I agree she should of gave us more information about our biological father, but you know, the age of the questions we already had our stepfather around, they started dating when we were like 2 and they married and he moved in when we were 3 and always was the best for us, even tho we never called him dad, because our mom always made it clear he wasnt (we always call him by his first name), he was like a dad and we never really asked a lot.

Me and my older brother were never very connected, maybe because of our age gap (13 years) or our really different personalities, so i don't think i will tell him or my mother anything, he has our biological father number so if he wants he can reach him, but he will definitly not in my oppinion.

I would like to meet my stepsisters, but i am pretty sure they dont even know that we exist, im sure to them his father life before they were born is all a lie, i dont know but that must be the story.

 

[youfiad]

It never hurts to meet in a public place for breakfast or dinner. You never know what you may find. It could very well be that his decisions have haunted him throughout his life and now he's getting old and wants to set things right. It could also very well be that he is looking for a hand-out and who better than his own flesh and blood. If this were me, I would want to know the person who helped bring me into th world. As you said, it has been a long time, people change.

 

[Just_Believe18]

youfiad. It's important that you read through an entire thread before posting your own reply. Over time, events can change for the person originally posting this thread. For example, he actually did end up meeting his dad and finding closure and no longer needs advice if he should do it or not.

 

[AlmondMilk]

Thanks for the update. Well, at least you received the closure. Even though you were angry, it was a good thing you kept your composure. Some people will never understand how much hurt they made, but at least now you know. You asked what you wanted to. Now you can move on. Things are better now, and you have a very loving family