Former deniers ... at what point did you submit ?

[jubalon]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

There were numerous factors happening at the same time - three months ago, actually. At that time, it came to me that I would not become happier person by "living a lie". Also, being about two months into college, I realized that I had to chose between growing up and acting that way, or remain static and not doing what's the best for me. I was convinced that coming out was the right thing.

Then, the following weekend after a lot of thinking, I was out with two friends. We were in a club/bar, and one of them started asking me why I didn't hit on the girls and whatnot. Being all like, "You don't know what you're missing out on! Come on, see that girl? Go talk to her! You've got the looks, so what's stopping you?". That particular evening, I just kind of laughed and shook it off. I said that I had to go out for a smoke, and became all distant and avoidant. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling too good, and went home. I was kicking my own ass for being such a jerk on my way home, having decided to come out, but still denying myself - when it would, after all, be natural to say, "Hey! I'm gay, so I'm not interested in those girls.".

Then followed a week more of pondering. I looked back on earlier friendships, and realized how I would get avoidant and distant at the point where I got too close to people. How this would happen againg with this good friend of mine, if I didn't do anything about it. There was a lot of self-motivation and imagined "coming out situations", before it happened the week after.

One could call the situation at the bar the trigger situation, but it was brought on by much thinking being done right before and after.

 

[Lube]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

Was it a sudden realisation or was it gradual ? For me it was literally like a lightning bolt.

All through my life I tried to make it work, the whole dating women thing. More than anything, I think, in order to please others. Please probably isn't the right word. I think it was because I didn't want to disappoint. Because my dad was one of those guys who wasn't free in the praise department. Everything was just expected. It was this constant .... how can I make him be proud of me ? And being gay just wasn't an option, I thought. So I had these feelings, and I knew, and I put them aside. They went into the bedroom closet. And there they stayed. But I knew. I tried to justify it by assuring myself that all guys secretly have these feelings. But they don't do they ? I know that now.

My dad died. I think that was the trigger. One night I was lying in bed awake thinking. And for some reason I just had this terrific revelation. I'm gay. Wow .... And then it was on this site that I wrote it down for the first time, in my forties, in my very first post more than 2 years ago.

What a bummer, I waisted the best years of my life. Damn !! Well, perhaps thats too strong, because they weren't waisted really. But it was a mistake, a lesson learned late.

How was it for you ?

My story is very similar, including coming out of self-denial in my 40's. But in my case it was an impending divorce from my wife, rather than the death of my father.

When I decided I needed to start looking beyond my soon-to-be-ex-wife for a new romantic interest, I realized I had a very strong crush on a guy. It was my first or second post on JUB. God, I hope it's scrolled off the system for good! I changed so much over the past 2 1/2 years!

But I don't look back. Rather than look at it as time wasted, I look at it as an opportunity to tell young guys today to not make the same mistake I did--which is probably why I'm pretty adamant about guys coming out as soon as possible. Staying the closet (or in denial) solves nothing.

 

[Elwood]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

Had a boyfriend at 17 after him did what my friends were doing dated women. At 38 after being with a women for almost 10 years and having kids together I just realised I was miserable. I spoke to my DR about it and he suggested therapy. I had all ready decided to leave my wife, the relationship was sinking fast. Started therapy and I realised or accepted being gay.

That was 5 years ago now, I am out to almost everyone now, I have yet to tell my twin 12 year old boys ( Their mother, my ex knows) and I am scared shit about telling them.

 

[vamp]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

My coming ut to myslef still strange to me. It was through a dream. I was having a threesome with two of my closest friends, a guy and a girl. Him and i were working her over and we made her cum. Him and I looked at each other, didn't say one word to each other, and we started making out. I woke up and just knew, I'm bi.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

It was both gradual, and sudden.

I began to have suspicions that I might be gay, in my late 20's and early 30's. Started crushing on male co-workers; and, after moving to Hawaii, really noticing men. Gosh, they were walking around, all over the place, half nude, in shape and beautiful!

One night when I was on another Island on business, I met a man in a bar. We went back to my hotel and showered together. That was the "sudden" part. I knew immediately....

 

[NineOfClubs]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I enjoyed your song, justaguy! Thanks.

When I came out this song was still a hit, and spoke to me big time:

 

[hothunk222]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I've always been attracted to men but I realized I was really gay when I was 12 and I got a huge crush on a boy in my class. For a few years, I went through alot of confusion, self-hatred, denial and I became extremely closed off and antisocial. I finally admitted to myself "I'm gay" about 3 years after, at 14-15 but I wasn't comfortable telling anyone until I was 18 when I came out to my best girlfriends, they accepted me completely and one of them even thought that"it would be pretty hot to see you with a guy!" lol. This year I took another huge step and finally told my straight guy friends, it was a lot scarier! Luckily, they accepted me completely!! "I don't what's the big deal is?" and "It's cool with me, as long as you don't try to grab my ass. It's safe with me!" Were their responses. I've even become deeper friends with them, they love me always, they've said it themselves and they have also developed a whole new level of respect for me... the next step would be to tell a few family members, luckily my siblings, at least are VERRRRRRrry gay friendly.

I'm still working on undoing the anti-social personality that I developed during my adolescence however, but in the end, I still consider myself to be very very lucky...

 

[buddy1970]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I was born and raised in the Mormon church. I always knew I liked guys, but I suppressed it, foolishly thinking that when I turned into a man it would leave me. I had crushes on girls, but only ever wanted to see men naked, not girls and not women.

This continued in college at BYU, and being a Mormon became a great deal more problematic. Now all the straight Mormon boys were getting married, and I still didn't want to see women naked.

I went into reparative therapy to change my sexual orientation. I actually have good memories of therapy, mostly because the therapists were non-judgmental, and I had the opportunity to associate with other guys who had the same feelings. I also learned a lot.

But it also staved off the inevitable, and it meant that I missed out on at least two opportunities for a serious relationship, not to mention being part of the BYU gay underground, and all of that clean-boy sex!

So even though I wasn't in denial of my feelings, I denied myself the experiences that I will always miss. Until this summer, when I finally got information via the Internet about how Joseph Smith (the founder of the Mormon church) was a charlatan, and not a prophet as I had believed my entire life!

I feel freer and happier than I have in over two decades. I am no longer depressed, and I screw with abandon! I am also taking the first steps to seriously dating and perhaps meeting someone to share the second half of my life with.

But there is one guy from BYU whose absence from my life I will never stop regretting. Denial is a very bad thing.

 

[gmoney]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

What a bummer, I waisted the best years of my life. Damn !! Well, perhaps thats too strong, because they weren't waisted really. But it was a mistake, a lesson learned late.

How was it for you ?

Jag, I chose to use this part of your post to quote for a couple of reasons.

I too, have felt like I've wasted the best years of my life for being in denial and not accepting myself when I think I was 'in my prime'.

We have to remember that when we came of age, society's view on homosexuality was far different than it is today; regardless of the hurdles that still need to be overcome.

I had sex (just oral) with a guy when I was 15, but I tried to pass it off as a 'phase'. I was kind of a slut with women in my early 20's because I thought it would "cure" me. I was even engaged and became an expectant father, but that resulted in a miscarriage and a breakup.

I, like others I think, fell in love with a straight guy more than once. It didn't turn out very nice.

I think I came to terms with my sexuality in my early 30's and just assumed I would live the rest of my life alone with no one knowing how I really felt.

As the Internet became more and more the way of life and technology increased, I stumbled across this website called "Justusboys" while I was unemployed, only to discover that there are plenty of guys out there "just like me"!

I guess my realization was gradual, but the way it affected my life was more sudden.

I've never been happier! And I credit this wonderful place and its members for giving me the courage to come out and be who I am today!

 

[BabiGayPimp]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

It was a rather sudden revelation that hit me when I was about fourteen. My hormone levels just shot through the roof and I went boy crazy!!! I think the trigger was starting at a big new high school and seeing hundreds of hot guys all at once. I got to thinking, this guy on guy thing could work and I flipped the script just like that. Really, not a whole lot of though went into it. I think finding my niche within the gay world and navigating through the pitfalls has been more of a challenge than realizing my gayness in the first place.

 

[buddy1970]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

Interesting story buddy1970. How exactly do they do that re-orientation therapy ? It must just lead to so many problems for those guys.

Reparative therapy has evolved over several decades. Apparently, some reparative therapists as late as the 80s were still doing electroshock and "revulsion" therapy (inducing vomiting with images of gay porn). I was not subjected to any of that. I just talked about my life with a therapist. A lot of it was really very useful. I actually eliminated the attraction to one of my roommates that I had been obsessing about, but that was the only change I went through.

Reparative therapy now focuses on the absent or distant father and the overpowering or dominant mother. I didn't have a dominant mother, but I did have an emotionally unavailable father. Therapy was good in at least one way: I no longer put my parents on a pedestal, and I can honestly look at their poor parenting for what it is.

But there was also a tremendous focus on straight-boy stuff and male bonding. I became focused on learning how to play sports so I could bond with straight boys. The only problem is I detest sports, it took me forever to learn, and all the straight guys at BYU wanted to get married and screw (since they aren't allowed to screw unless they're married). They didn't want to "bond" with me. I got the wrong impression of being straight, like those guys have no problems. So I guess I ended up putting straight guys on a pedestal.

My interest in women plummeted during my time out there. I wasted precious time in activities I didn't give a damn about, and could have had more cock than I would have known what to do with.

Live and learn.

 

[vamp]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

Wow

I've always been attracted to men but I realized I was really gay when I was 12 and I got a huge crush on a boy in my class. For a few years, I went through alot of confusion, self-hatred, denial and I became extremely closed off and antisocial. I finally admitted to myself "I'm gay" about 3 years after, at 14-15 but I wasn't comfortable telling anyone until I was 18 when I came out to my best girlfriends, they accepted me completely and one of them even thought that"it would be pretty hot to see you with a guy!" lol. This year I took another huge step and finally told my straight guy friends, it was a lot scarier! Luckily, they accepted me completely!! "I don't what's the big deal is?" and "It's cool with me, as long as you don't try to grab my ass. It's safe with me!" Were their responses. I've even become deeper friends with them, they love me always, they've said it themselves and they have also developed a whole new level of respect for me... the next step would be to tell a few family members, luckily my siblings, at least are VERRRRRRrry gay friendly.

I'm still working on undoing the anti-social personality that I developed during my adolescence however, but in the end, I still consider myself to be very very lucky...

Wow.... I teared up when I read that. I thought that being gay came easy to you. I had no idea you actually struggled like that. At least everything worked out and now your happy and coming out. I think those friends are awesome, even that one somewhat lol. All you need is to find a boyfriend and try coming out to you siblings lol. Good luck with that. If you need any support, you know I'll be there for you.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I realized I was Gay when I was 12, or so! Boys were so much more Interesting than Girls!

However ... I was born with another "impediment"! I'm a P.K., "Preacher's Kid"!

And, it wasn't just my Dad! It was also my Great Grandparents, my Grandparents, my Uncles, and, eventually, my Cousins!! My "Family Name" was known ALL to well! I was raised under a small Spotlight! My entire Family's "PUBLIC" knew me/who I was!!!

I had "Obligations"! And ... I was never sure who might see, or hear about, Me!!

Yes! I did manage a bit of "playing" with other Guys. But ... only after I knew them Extremely well, and could TRUST them! Which wasn't all that easy since we tended to move every 3 to 5 yr.!!

So ... I was "Publicly" into Girls! And, I was quite "successful"! I even, nearly, almost married 5, or 6, of them! Thank "Goodness", for them, and for me, that I never quite did that!!

Did I "Love" them? Yes! (Or so I thought!) Did I enjoy, and cherish them? Yes! But ... in the back of my mind, I always "Knew"!

It wasn't until I hit 30/31 that I actually "came out" to anyone else, despite my previous "times" with "Str8" Guys! I was 32 when I met "My" Kev. (He was 25.)

There were reasons that I went to college, and "settled down", 500 mi. away from "Home". (Regrettably so!) But ... it was Necessary!

And NOW? My immediate family knows! (I'm not all that sure about the rest of my extended family.) But ... it was many years before they met "My" Kev. And, to tell the truth, I think they like Him "better" than Me!!

I came to terms with myself fairly early, though I had to work to hide it. But, when I actually "came out", it was "BOOM!!", quite sudden!, and a true "Epiphany"!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[M4P]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

When my fiancee broke it off - I was 25 - because, in her words, something was missing. I mourned our breakup but the tears were more about accepting reality

 

[yuengling]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I realized I'm pretty much 100% gay a few months ago, Luckily I just turned 22, after hanging out with several more ehh "average" acting guys, who I'm pretty sure are gay .I haven't gotten the courage up yet to ask but for the first time in my life I've fallen in love. i had experiences with guys previously but mostly slept with girls, but when I slept with girls there wasn't any strong emotions or fireworks when I fooled around with girls.
Also slowly but surely straight porn stopped doing anything for me.
I'm still amazed that alot of the guys on here were able to get married and have it last for ten years and up. how were you able to carry the false life on for that long? What's your explanation? I would think the wife would have figured it out quickly and left.

 

[Lube]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I'm still amazed that alot of the guys on here were able to get married and have it last for ten years and up. how were you able to carry the false life on for that long? What's your explanation? I would think the wife would have figured it out quickly and left.

Can't speak for other guys, but in my case I'm 99% sure she's a lesbian even deeper in denial than I was. Kinda sad. She won't talk to me now. I think because she's afraid of discovering herself.

 

[andy12]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I became an atheist and realized there weren't any rational reasons for same-sex anything to be considered wrong.

 

[NameTaken]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

It was a sudden realization aided by a shitload of drugs that I was fucked up on at the time. I'm glad I realized at 17 instead of much later.

 

[jubalon]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

I had similar experiences Jubalon. But in order to keep up appearances I would make sure that I did something with a girl every now and again. Get into a slow dance with a chick and pash away and make sure my friends were watching. And one time I got naked in the back of a car with a girl at a party. My friends spotted us, which I was hoping for, and I was so happy that my friends saw me naked with a girl, because that should keep the gay thing in check for 6 months, at least.

Yeah.. I'm sure most have situations like these. Though, while still in the closet, I would not let myself be seen with girls or make any moves. So, the ladies I had my experiences with were making all the moves themselves. There weren't many of them though, and I didn't go about to brag about them. As afraid I was for coming out, I was even more afraid of being dishonest both to myself and pushing myself further into the closet.

 

[Stitch627]

Re: Former deniers ... at what point did you submi

very interesting thread and especially what Jubalon said

Then, the following weekend after a lot of thinking, I was out with two friends. We were in a club/bar, and one of them started asking me why I didn't hit on the girls and whatnot. Being all like, "You don't know what you're missing out on! Come on, see that girl? Go talk to her! You've got the looks, so what's stopping you?". That particular evening, I just kind of laughed and shook it off. I said that I had to go out for a smoke, and became all distant and avoidant. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling too good, and went home.

I looked back on earlier friendships, and realized how I would get avoidant and distant at the point where I got too close to people.

I couldn't have said it better myself. That's what I live and feel. That's also what I actually mean when I try to explain my difficulties interacting with people