Found a hoookup app on the BFs phone

[dirtycub89]

Hey Jubs....
Weve been together for almost 4 years now....and recently hes been having in depth conversations with a friend of his about how he want to have a 3way, but doesnt know how to tell me. (I snooped on his phone..I know, bad me). Hes also been just really openw ith this guy about our sex life....I noticed the last few days hes been super protective with his phone....always making sure the screen is faced away from me, and deleting texts, ect. Yesterday I saw that he had downloaded GRINDR....I was pissed, and hurt. We ended up going out to drink, he got drunk, and I started to drop hints. I woke up today, snooped, and grindr was no longer installed on his phone....What should I take of this? He has never done anything like this before, but I dont want him looking on hookup sites. Im ok with the idea of a threeway (were too the point in out relationship that we have lots of trust(even tho im on here asking for ideas)) so should I just bring it up, and see where it goes? Also, should I bring up the fact the he had downloaded GRINDR? I really dont know what to do, so any feedback would be cool!

 

[swerve]

What bothers me the MOST about your post -- is that you are keeping SECRETS from each other...

BOTH of you...

So -- yeah -- I would advocate an open, honest dialogue...

Hookup apps could just be a FUN way for him to pass his time -- with nothing really serious coming from it -- yet, he knows it bothers you, and in an act of guilt, deleted the app...

As far as 3-ways go -- thats up to you guys -- I've known MANY couples who are OK with it and have fun -- I've also known many couples that didn't like it, even though they thought they would -- you may uncover mysterious feelings of jealousy, etc that don't sit well after the fact -- but that is up to you guys to explore...

Buy -- yeah -- definitely TALK about it -- he SHOULDN'T NEED privacy of his phone if its an innocent past time...

Best of luck and let us know how it goes...

 

[NYClover54]

My boyfriend and I both have grindr but we just either try to find friends to hangout with or troll with fake pics and see who gets the most nudes lmao. I would never meet someone on there with out him being there and definitely not have sexual encounters but the point is that there is TRUST between us. I've been dating him for over a year and a half now and he has discussed with me about finding a guy for a threesome but I was honest with him and said I want this to be a monogynous relationship and he agreed. We don't live close to one another so it's hard but we still make things work. Like the previous poster said, NO SECRETS !!!! I hate to see relationships that have been going on for years end because of something stupid like not being honest with each other. And my opinion on three ways with a boyfriend, hell no !!!! It would be weird for me and very uncomfortable. Not to say that this isn't the same for everyone.

 

[Seasoned]

It's time to decide whether you both want to re-up your commitment. Come clean. Tell him what you know and how you know it. In the future rather than being afraid of something like him being hyper protective of his phone and then spying on him, a simple, why are you being so protective of your phone?," would be a better option.

 

[Chris1984]

What I don't understand, you say your relationship is at a point where there is lots of trust, yet you're still snooping through his phone. That's not trust to me. You should definitely have a long, honest conversation with him.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You've received some good advice so far, but let me give you a word of caution for LTR relationships wanting to go open.

Threesomes and having sex with other guys is a slippery slope. Once you open that door, you'll find you have less control over your relationship than you thought. Your boyfriend might end up liking it more than you do, but it will be too late to close that door when the other partner wants to keep it open. Over time, the accumulations of experiences and boys will muddle and confuse your relationship. You'll find yourself compromising more and more until you find yourself in a place that you do not recognize about your yourself and your relationship.

Be cautious. You're only gaining sex out of this, and you have far more to lose here.

 

[tangential]

It's important to think about what you might gain. But let me add, the 'slippery slope' suggested above doesn't represent everyone's experience opening their relationship. You set the terms for how you want to be in a relationship and what your boundaries are; be mindful successful relationships aren't about control.

You've received some good advice so far, but let me give you a word of caution for LTR relationships wanting to go open.

Threesomes and having sex with other guys is a slippery slope. Once you open that door, you'll find you have less control over your relationship than you thought. Your boyfriend might end up liking it more than you do, but it will be too late to close that door when the other partner wants to keep it open. Over time, the accumulations of experiences and boys will muddle and confuse your relationship. You'll find yourself compromising more and more until you find yourself in a place that you do not recognize about your yourself and your relationship.

Be cautious. You're only gaining sex out of this, and you have far more to lose here.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

You've received some good advice so far, but let me give you a word of caution for LTR relationships wanting to go open.

Threesomes and having sex with other guys is a slippery slope. Once you open that door, you'll find you have less control over your relationship than you thought. Your boyfriend might end up liking it more than you do, but it will be too late to close that door when the other partner wants to keep it open. Over time, the accumulations of experiences and boys will muddle and confuse your relationship. You'll find yourself compromising more and more until you find yourself in a place that you do not recognize about your yourself and your relationship.

Be cautious. You're only gaining sex out of this, and you have far more to lose here.

I think this is good advice.
Can open relationships work? Of course.

However, 9 out of 10 times when relationships are opened based on one partner's suggestion (at least the one's I've seen), they end up going up in flames.

I feel it's best when both partners want it.

Btw you say your relationship has a ton of trust but you're checking his phone behind his back. Your relationship does not have trust.

 

[camjam]

He might not of been doing it to cheat. He might of had it so he could get more people to have an orgy with. More the better is what i hear.

 

[M4P]

What I don't understand, you say your relationship is at a point where there is lots of trust, yet you're still snooping through his phone. That's not trust to me. You should definitely have a long, honest conversation with him.

I agree. What's on his phone is none of your business and what is on your phone is none of his. Relationships are based on trust and if you show you don't trust him, as you have by looking at his phone, you may give him reason to not trust you