Found my boyfriend on a dating site...now what?

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Lucky7, I think what TX-Beau is trying to get at: Is that if you love someone- You have the ability to forgive, to overlook- To work together to get though times like these. To rebuild, when things fall apart- To rebuild your trust, and not to destroy whatever is left of it by demanding answers that you might not like the answers to, answers that he might not be proud of. Demanding answers that will destroy whatever trust is left between both of you. It's going to be something that push's a wedge between you both.

I'm honestly, not sure how I'd handle this kind of situation.- hopefully I will never have to. Though, kyguy11- I think you should disregard my original response. I think, you need to decide if you are willing to overlook this if it is what you expect, and if you have it in you to give things a second chance to resolve.

If you do decide to work though things- I'd try to establish what he was getting out of creating one of these profiles, so you both can work on fixing that in your relationship.

 

[Ganoderma]

Thank you everyone so far for the advice. I really didn't know what to think last night, and now I've been able to process it all and gain a little help from you guys. I'm just going to sit him down this weekend, tell him what I found (calmly), and just ask him to show me his profile because he really should have nothing to hide. If he does, or has a naked pic, or has been chatting with other guys, well then obviously we weren't mean to be. And if he's just trying to meet other friends, well I still want don't want him to have a profile but that's much better.

As for the snooping comments, I wouldn't consider typing an address into the internet snooping. "www." made his whole recent list pop-up, and I just noticed it. But regardless, he shouldn't have something like that without at least telling me first. Like you all said, relationships are about trust and he's not exactly building it up right now..

Hi Kyguy11,

I agree with others that you must tell the truth ASAP to him.

Towards my opinion, you have no 'right' to 'ask him to show me his profile because he really should have nothing to hide.' Does your boyfriend has similar 'rights' to ask identical questions to you? Is there anything you have ever hidden to him?

You also wrote: As for the snooping comments, I wouldn't consider typing an address into the internet snooping. "www." made his whole recent list pop-up, and I just noticed it.

I tend to doubt if you are right with your conclusion that this is not 'snooping'. How about his non-digital diary? Lets assume his diary is at your place, he is somewhere else, you are cleaning the house (or whatever), and this diary falls wide open on the floor. At what particular moment you will pass the line of 'snooping' when your eyes get contact with the information what he has written in his diary?

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[ben9651]

my only advice would be not to chat with him on the site , cuz it will only build up more anger towards the whole situation. trust me .. been there!

 

[Seasoned]

The OP hasn't asked for a pissing match to see who wins the argument. Gents, you've stated your opinions and now it's up to the OP to take what he likes and to leave the rest. No one ought to be using any question posted on this forum to try to convince anyone of anything. This is strictly no flame. Thank you.

 

[future_retro]

Do not entrap him nor make any parental type demands. Simply state what you saw and apologize for snooping first and asking later. Tell him you're concerned after seeing his bare torso. Trust is necessary for any relationship. No matter what his answer or his proof that he's not interested in hook ups any continued spying on your part means, for your own mental health, that you need couples counseling or an end to the relationship. This will be difficult to fix if you remain suspicious.

This is very good advice.

And yes, I think the bare torso thing is concerning as if he's just after "friendship" why is there a a bare torso on his profile?

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Some guys don't want to show their face so publicly on the Internet, so they post a picture of their torso instead to still attract attention. It's fine.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Talk to your boyfriend right this minute about your concerns. I've been in the same situation as you, as well as on the other side.

When I found a video of my b/f and someone else, it made me physically sick to my stomach! I was pissed! I obsessed on it for over an hour, and decided I needed an answer immediately, even though he was at work. Come to find out, it was a 5 year old video he had just uploaded to his new computer from an old hard-drive. I wasted an hour of my life thinking awful things when I didn't need to.

Likewise, my b/f (now husband) had stumbled across some emails I had sent to someone else. Without the context of that relationship (the guy was str8) and we were joking around, it made my b/f extremely upset. He called me at 4 in the a.m. when I was traveling on biz, half a world away, but I was more than happy to lose sleep over making sure our relationship was put first and center.

So, call him up or go drive to see him, right now. Not tomorrow. Not in a few days. Not after you make a fake person to chat him up. Right now. This very minute.

 

[chance1]

^ well said on all fronts