Four way relationship drama

[Alnitak]

Attempting relationships with multiple people has my emotions running wild. I may need advice on dealing with them.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we have a more or less stable relationship. In the last year or so we have become increasingly involved with two people. I will just call them Derek and Brad. Both are single and have jobs. Derek is 29 and Brad 22.

We met Derek over a year ago and our friendship took off very quickly. Within a few weeks we had a threesome, which I did not feel very comfortable about. In fact I felt pressured into it. He has a great body and personality, but being so shy I'm just not that type of person. Eventually we got to know each other more and I started really enjoying our sex. Eventually, Derek would be all over me every time we would get together , pulling me to the side to kiss me or feel me up. We grew closer until some point he seemed to be annoyed with us coming over uninvited and no longer gets intimate with me. What's worse is the less he seemed interested in me the deeper my feelings for him became. In a twist, he said the boating trip we took recently reminded him of his ex, whom Derek still loves deeply. He also still compliments my ass, body, face, etc. So I guess Derek loves me at some level, but perhaps doesn't want to be in a poly relationship? I don't know. All the while, my boyfriend is completely comfortable with this, so that is not an issue. My behavior lately has been a bit embarrassing because I cannot control how in love I am with Derek and want to be around him all the time. We have talked about it, but I don't think anything has been resolved.

We had already known Derek for a while when we met Brad for coffee at a Starbucks one evening last December. Like Derek, we hit it off with Brad right away. We had lots of dinner parties, and crazier parties, and he was always there. Unlike Derek, we did not have sex with Brad right away, but we grew very attached to him and invited him to live with us in August. Until now it has been uneventful. Since the summer, Brad has descended mentally. He has had more and more unprotected sex with strange guys, including taking their loads. Last night he had a complete mental breakdown. He drank a fifth of vodka and took various pills and contemplated suicide. In the morning he was in the hospital. We are over that episode now, but it was very traumatic, and my boyfriend and I are trying to get him help. Despite all this I cannot help but fall in love with him too, to the point that I get jealous if he is with other people. If I knew he had this personality, we might not have gotten closer. It's too late now, and we feel obligated to help take care of him.

Both Derek and Brad have a proclivity for superficial sexual relationships. They don't seem to enjoy sex with the same guys more than a few times, and never more than a few months. Derek seems to have lost sexual interest in me completely, for reasons unknown, and Brad is very difficult to read. At the same time, I can't hold back my love for them and desire for intimacy. They are also good friends and pretty dependable. My boyfriend and I no longer share a burning passion for each other, but we do love each other. I hope somehow that these feelings eventually subside and that I do not need counseling.

So now my question: Is the best thing to just cut them out of my life and deal with the separation, or try to accommodate them in my life coming to terms with their personalities?

 

[TX-Beau]

You don't have to cut them out of your life, but stop fucking them, it's confusing you.

- - - Updated - - -

Besides, they both sound like they need friends more than lovers.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

You don't have to cut them out of your life, but stop fucking them, it's confusing you.

- - - Updated - - -

Besides, they both sound like they need friends more than lovers.

I agree with this.

I think they are both in situations where it serves you all better to just be friends. Particularly Brad's poor decision making and unstable mental situation make him more in need of caring friends that would help than lovers that may only confuse.

Most of all, I think you should look after yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend (which seems to be the only stable and healthy relationship mentioned of the 3). Why are you falling for guys that not in a place to have a relationship? Is there a need that is not currently being fulfilled? These are merely questions to suggest some self-reflection. I believe that usually when we have these strong desires that we don't understand and cannot control, they represent a need or personal struggle that isn't being addressed.

The best of luck
I think this is good advice.

 

[bankside]

Attempting relationships with multiple people has my emotions running wild. I may need advice on dealing with them.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we have a more or less stable relationship. In the last year or so we have become increasingly involved with two people. I will just call them Derek and Brad. Both are single and have jobs. Derek is 29 and Brad 22.

We met Derek over a year ago and our friendship took off very quickly. Within a few weeks we had a threesome, which I did not feel very comfortable about. In fact I felt pressured into it. He has a great body and personality, but being so shy I'm just not that type of person. Eventually we got to know each other more and I started really enjoying our sex. Eventually, Derek would be all over me every time we would get together , pulling me to the side to kiss me or feel me up. We grew closer until some point he seemed to be annoyed with us coming over uninvited and no longer gets intimate with me. What's worse is the less he seemed interested in me the deeper my feelings for him became. In a twist, he said the boating trip we took recently reminded him of his ex, whom Derek still loves deeply. He also still compliments my ass, body, face, etc. So I guess Derek loves me at some level, but perhaps doesn't want to be in a poly relationship? I don't know. All the while, my boyfriend is completely comfortable with this, so that is not an issue. My behavior lately has been a bit embarrassing because I cannot control how in love I am with Derek and want to be around him all the time. We have talked about it, but I don't think anything has been resolved.

We had already known Derek for a while when we met Brad for coffee at a Starbucks one evening last December. Like Derek, we hit it off with Brad right away. We had lots of dinner parties, and crazier parties, and he was always there. Unlike Derek, we did not have sex with Brad right away, but we grew very attached to him and invited him to live with us in August. Until now it has been uneventful. Since the summer, Brad has descended mentally. He has had more and more unprotected sex with strange guys, including taking their loads. Last night he had a complete mental breakdown. He drank a fifth of vodka and took various pills and contemplated suicide. In the morning he was in the hospital. We are over that episode now, but it was very traumatic, and my boyfriend and I are trying to get him help. Despite all this I cannot help but fall in love with him too, to the point that I get jealous if he is with other people. If I knew he had this personality, we might not have gotten closer. It's too late now, and we feel obligated to help take care of him.

Both Derek and Brad have a proclivity for superficial sexual relationships. They don't seem to enjoy sex with the same guys more than a few times, and never more than a few months. Derek seems to have lost sexual interest in me completely, for reasons unknown, and Brad is very difficult to read. At the same time, I can't hold back my love for them and desire for intimacy. They are also good friends and pretty dependable. My boyfriend and I no longer share a burning passion for each other, but we do love each other. I hope somehow that these feelings eventually subside and that I do not need counseling.

So now my question: Is the best thing to just cut them out of my life and deal with the separation, or try to accommodate them in my life coming to terms with their personalities?

In my own monogamous relationship, I get to indulge the limitless character of my affection for my guy. It's not something I try to "manage" or something I would want counselling for; it's appreciated and it's reciprocal. I enjoy being able to be head over heels.

The idea of a threesome is not something I would ordinarily think of in any serious way. It's only from the depth and breadth of that emotion for him that I could actually consider that sort of adult consensual amusements. If I thought a threesome would bring him some delightful experience in life that he couldn't otherwise have, I'd give it a go.

And yet in my own quirk of mental wiring, I can't really imagine an erotic situation that lacks emotional intimacy, while still managing to provide physical enjoyment. When I look at random raw naked images on the net, my brain supplies an unbidden backstory of how we know each other, why the guy would be in our lives, how long we've known him, what kind of man he is, and the expression on my own guy's face that would let me know what he's thinking as we fuck.

What I'm getting to is that I have no advice to give on how to have emotionless sex, or how to extinguish love, or how to quench a desire for intimacy: to me that would be the whole point, not something to turn away from. And incidentally, this leads me to believe if it were to ever happen, it could not be a random frolic with a stranger; I think something like polyamory - something - anything - with some kind of emotional content would have to be part of the picture. A unicorn.

Anyway, here's my questions:
When you say "we are over that episode now" do you mean something like "We made it through the night; now what? I'm worried sick!" or "Wow; that was trippy. Glad we turned the page on that one!" I assume the former, but I read it wrong the first time I think.

Next, was Derek ever really intimate with you or only sexual?

Next, if you need intimacy for this sort of thing to work for you, are you capable of getting it from either Derek or Brad? You describe them as basically being flaky about sex; short term, and no pursuit of relationships, no sexual boundaries even when basic health is concerned in one case. Despite your attraction, they seem to be missing something you need.

Next, how the fuck did you get pressured into a threesome?

I like it when sometimes people push me out of my own complacency or my own self-consciousness or whatever, but anybody involved in actually pressuring me into something would not be in my life right now, and I suggest everyone live that way.

 

[KaraBulut]

For a lot of gay men, one of the rules for open relationships is that emotional entanglements are to be avoided. Humans don't multi-task very well. When there's emotional involvement outside of a committed relationship, it's very difficult to maintain focus and often the primary relationship suffers.

In your situation, there's a lot of blurring of the lines between love and sex. These are your friends but there's a lot of confusion between the deep love for friends and sex.

Besides, they both sound like they need friends more than lovers.

And then, there's this...

If you love them, maybe it is time to stop sleeping with them?

 

[Alnitak]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and lend me some good advice. I'm taking a break from everyone at the moment while realizing that doesn't resolve anything by itself. Sorting out my love life is going to take time, as will my sex life. Perhaps my problem is that the two are one and the same. I don't think that will or ever can change. I have also been going after the wrong type of person. It looks like my boyfriend and I will branch out to other people who might be suitable for a polyamorous relationship. My personality is what it is. I am not satisfied emotionally and sexually with one person and my boyfriend accepts that. Likewise, I am not jealous when he speaks of desires for other people or spends time with them because I'm not worried that he will ever stop wanting me.

 

[thenewkcm]

Sometimes it's best to step away from a situation and take a breather. You have to take care of yourself first! Being involved with another person has it's ups and downs, but I can imagine the unique dynamics between four people...different thoughts, personalities, and actions...it can be draining. It's great to understand how you feel and then express it clearly to your boyfriend. It's also great that you know what you want and know what's lacking. Live and learn!