Friend "claims" I raped her.

[borg69unimatrix]

You were drunk too... maybe she raped you?

 

[ElmosToe]

Derek,

this sucks.

Other than repeating what has already been said regarding consulting a lawyer, I am trying to wrap my brain around how someone could so casually "joke" about rape and have it go on for days without someone realizing she is just full of BS. If she were truly raped, I would think she would be genuinely traumatized where her parents would be consoling her, filing a police report, pressing charges, seeking therapy, medical attention etc.

My point, it's all very bizarre. I would think, if all these people in your circle had half a brain, they would be wondering the same things, rather than just giving you dirty looks and gossiping. So just based on what you have said here and not being there to fully grasp the scope of the situation, it doesn't sound as serious to the point of having it end with you in prison as a sex offender, being someone's bitch.

Still seek legal counsel though.

To me it just sounds more like this girl really did want to sleep with you and she is just pissed at her self for giving in to her desires or whatever, not accepting personal accountability, so it's her twisted sense of humor basically saying "how dare you be so fucking hot you make me lose all self-control". The term "raper" stands out to me.

In high school and college I had a girlfriend who had that same type of humor. Her and her bff would constantly joke around with each other using the term "raper" or "rape" when they were simply describing how much they liked someone or something. "I'm going to rape this donut." "he's so fucking hot, I want to rape him."

My gf would often say, "so, you gonna rape me tonight?"
I learned quickly that was her indirect, defensive way in using humor, albeit twisted; to express how horny she was and how much she wanted me to fuck her. She would also use the term raper whenever we had really good sex the night before. She would pass by me and give me this look of "how dare you" and throw out the term "raper" as she would pass by, but usually you could catch a sly little smirk starting to form that she would be desperately trying to fight. Off-color sarcasm is how I would describe it.

It sounds like this may be the same sense of humor this girl has with you.
Not to diminish the seriousness of it all, and not to offend you or anything, but you could be misreading those signs and not fully understanding the meaning behind the words or the tone. Could be you just being overly sensitive about it as well.

Not sure if any of this helps. But that is one perspective to consider.
I do agree it is not a salvageable situation and she is not your friend. Treat her with respect and civility, remain calm when having discussions about this to anyone.

One reason I really have learned now to be more trusting of people before I do anything with anyone.

Seek legal help. Keep us posted.

 

[dereperez]

According to the law in California, it could still be considered rape...



http://articles.latimes.com/1995-02-09/news/ls-30077_1_young-people

This is why we are telling you to discuss what you should do with an attorney now- before you make the situation worse.

This is why that law is very much imperfect. While it justifiably protects a lot of true rape victims...there is too much of a huge gray area. I still stand by my belief that I am not a rapist.

You were drunk too... maybe she raped you?

I could in theory bring that up...but me thinks that wouldn't end well for me at all.

 

[dereperez]

Derek,

this sucks.

Other than repeating what has already been said regarding consulting a lawyer, I am trying to wrap my brain around how someone could so casually "joke" about rape and have it go on for days without someone realizing she is just full of BS. If she were truly raped, I would think she would be genuinely traumatized where her parents would be consoling her, filing a police report, pressing charges, seeking therapy, medical attention etc.

My point, it's all very bizarre. I would think, if all these people in your circle had half a brain, they would be wondering the same things, rather than just giving you dirty looks and gossiping. So just based on what you have said here and not being there to fully grasp the scope of the situation, it doesn't sound as serious to the point of having it end with you in prison as a sex offender, being someone's bitch.

Still seek legal counsel though.

To me it just sounds more like this girl really did want to sleep with you and she is just pissed at her self for giving in to her desires or whatever, not accepting personal accountability, so it's her twisted sense of humor basically saying "how dare you be so fucking hot you make me lose all self-control". The term "raper" stands out to me.

In high school and college I had a girlfriend who had that same type of humor. Her and her bff would constantly joke around with each other using the term "raper" or "rape" when they were simply describing how much they liked someone or something. "I'm going to rape this donut." "he's so fucking hot, I want to rape him."

My gf would often say, "so, you gonna rape me tonight?"
I learned quickly that was her indirect, defensive way in using humor, albeit twisted; to express how horny she was and how much she wanted me to fuck her. She would also use the term raper whenever we had really good sex the night before. She would pass by me and give me this look of "how dare you" and throw out the term "raper" as she would pass by, but usually you could catch a sly little smirk starting to form that she would be desperately trying to fight. Off-color sarcasm is how I would describe it.

It sounds like this may be the same sense of humor this girl has with you.
Not to diminish the seriousness of it all, and not to offend you or anything, but you could be misreading those signs and not fully understanding the meaning behind the words or the tone. Could be you just being overly sensitive about it as well.

Not sure if any of this helps. But that is one perspective to consider.
I do agree it is not a salvageable situation and she is not your friend. Treat her with respect and civility, remain calm when having discussions about this to anyone.

One reason I really have learned now to be more trusting of people before I do anything with anyone.

Seek legal help. Keep us posted.

This is what I am hoping for. She makes it seems like a joke...but that's precisely why she's so messed up. I am not being oversensitive as it is one thing if she were joking with me privately...but this is something completely different since she decides to throw the four-letter word around with others. People will hear and think.

 

[rareboy]

What is the problem with you seeking legal advice?

Stop talking around it and get to a legal advisor. Now.

 

[Gentleheart]

wowwwwww...seriously?

First off...she's an asshole. Two--she's definitely not a "friend". Stay away from her...please.

If you want to talk to her and clarify things, you need to do so discreetly...so that she doesn't suspect why you're trying to get confirmation that she seriously thinks she was raped. She could just be throwing the word about in a semi-joking manner...but still, that's not cool. It's going on far too long, and she even has your friends (whose loyalty I would be SERIOUSLY questioning at this point) believing her/looking at you all crazy and stuff. Hell nah.

Either way, I agree with everyone that you should be sitting in an attorney's office asap. I know it's intimidating to even have to consider going such a route (when you're not even certain this could escalate), but it's better to be safe than sorry. You don't know what this chick has planned, or if she's just talking shit. Cover you ass though. Don't wait for it to come to YOU.



I'm here for you if you need to talk. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I mean, wtf!?

 

[RaKroma]

First advice is to stop discussing your situation on the internet even if you're innocent. There is no anonymity. And as already has been said, find an experienced lawyer fast and follow the advice. I feel for you because you're her hostage now. She can file a police report at any time and you will be in legal quagmire to prove your innocence. Write down everything, EVERY DETAIL about that day with her: your conversations, interactions, down to what food you ordered and every detail of the sex itself. Memories fade, but in your word against hers, consistency and detail in events is key to investigations.

 

[peeonme]

Get legal advise, don't speak of this to anyone, if asked by the cops refer them to your lawyer. So far it's all he said she said, anything from friends would be hearsay, don't talk to her about it.
Do what your lawyer says, tell him about this thread as he needs to know everything, good luck.

 

[LiberoK]

According to the law in California, it could still be considered rape...



http://articles.latimes.com/1995-02-09/news/ls-30077_1_young-people

This is why we are telling you to discuss what you should do with an attorney now- before you make the situation worse.

Having drunk sex, when both people are drunk is not illegal and is not rape. Of course, it can be, but when two drunk people have sex, the case gets way too fuzzy. When both are drunk, there is no consensual sex because neither of them can consent. What IS rape is when a sober person has sex with a drunk person, even when he/she 'wants' it, since that person is not competent enough to consent.

Now lawyer would want to prosecute a case like this. Two drunk adults won't have reliable accounts of the night. If a the female can accuse of rape, the male can as well. If not, that would be gender discrimination, and no one wants to get into that. There's no way you'd be convicted, but it's still serious, as others have said.

 

[evanrick]

Having drunk sex, when both people are drunk is not illegal and is not rape. Of course, it can be, but when two drunk people have sex, the case gets way too fuzzy. When both are drunk, there is no consensual sex because neither of them can consent. What IS rape is when a sober person has sex with a drunk person, even when he/she 'wants' it, since that person is not competent enough to consent.

Now lawyer would want to prosecute a case like this. Two drunk adults won't have reliable accounts of the night. If a the female can accuse of rape, the male can as well. If not, that would be gender discrimination, and no one wants to get into that. There's no way you'd be convicted, but it's still serious, as others have said.

A rational assessment.

To me it seems its more likely she will face damaging herself because her claims is baseless, you can defend yourself better thanks to her.

Stick to dick - you might have fewer problems.

 

[GreyUnderscore]

Some people are just vile. Go get legal help.

I believe things will work out for the better.

 

[Harker]

I am sorry that this happened to you. Yes, I will join the chorus, you need to seek legal advice on how to deal with the situation and her now

 

[glasvegas]

If you're under alcohol influences, it could argue that it wasn't consensual as your judgement is impaired. Perhaps you should confront her about it

 

[luckynumbah7]

If she were truly raped, I would think she would be genuinely traumatized where her parents would be consoling her, filing a police report, pressing charges, seeking therapy, medical attention etc.

Not really, no. Most rape kits don't get processed, nor are most people able to coherently go to the police for a while. As an adult it took several days to even wait out most of the shock and you can forget medical attention, it's too goddamned much of an ordeal, what with the general "in what way did you manage to ask for it" trope. And I dropped all the people whose first reaction to seeing me after was laughter. So you can forget about the 'comfort from friends' as well. And by no means, s'far as I'm aware, is my example unusual.

I did, however, confront the guy about twenty minutes later. I really don't think he's going to be pulling the "ask for anal every three seconds and then decide to ignore all the No's".

That said, I do know of two people exactly like the op describes. I'd like to smack 'em myself, they certainly help ruin it for everybody.

 

[Kulindahr]

1. Get legal advice.

2. DO NOT talk to her.

3. Don't say a thing to anyone else any longer.

4. Under no circumstances say a single word to any law enforcement people.

 

[ElmosToe]

So Derek either fell in the toilet or he's in jail\prison.

Yoohoo, sexy ass mofo! Where you at?

 

[dereperez]

Thanks for all the advice and kind words, guys. I believe it's finally all behind me now. I did end up seeking legal advice and I wrote a long and detailed written account of what happened. I have friends that were able to vouch for me and give written testimonials to my character. I believe the accuser heard about the legal action I was taking through the grapevine and has since stopped her accusations. She and I no longer talk and I am just fine with that.

 

[Falcon16]

Hi Derek, let's hope it's behind you now and there's no further issues.

A big welcome back

 

[Just_Believe18]

You took it seriously, and she backed off. Good for you, and I'm glad you can put it behind you.

 

[ScottishBiTeen]

I'm glad to hear that this is finally behind you. You firmly stood your ground and she (eventually) backed off. It's good you severed all ties with her as well. You don't need someone like that in your life.
Oh, and welcome back, by the way.