Friend from high school just came out... disturbing

[Adam2299]

I'm sorry for acting like I think he did something wrong. I don't think he did anything wrong all, I just think it's fucking sad when gay guys think they have to act a certain way to fit in. That's the part that I'm upset about.

I'm sorry certain of you think I'm trying to get attention, but I honestly just wanted opinions about gay guys who act a certain way to fit in. This wasn't supposed to be a psychological analysis of my own personality. I think I probably sound a lot harsher than I am in real life...

Thanks to the people who gave me good insight to the questions I asked originally.

And just for the record, I think if anyone had a friend who changed drastically overnight in any way, we'd all be a little startled. It takes people time to adjust to such massive changes. That doesn't mean I don't accept him for who he is, it just means I'm trying to figure it out... End of story.

 

[luminum]

It wasn't overnight, it was apparently happening sometime "all summer". Three months is enough time for someone to move out of a shell and explore a part of themselves that they may never have. If it's not "real" then he's just exploring and he'll mellow out to something in between. Or it may be an awakening that he actually went through in those 3 or 4 months since you left and it's as "real" as anything else.

Since you can't do anything about it, just bite the bullet and ride it out or move on with your life.

 

[KennyD]

IF you are truly his friend and not just an acquaintance ... You will just be there for him and support him during his transition into this lifestyle he's owning up to ... DO NOT try to JUDGE him .. as do YOU like it when others JUDGE you ?

 

[rareboy]

I just think it's fucking sad when gay guys think they have to act a certain way to fit in.

You just do not get it do you?

 

[StlKj]

I'm not judging him at all, I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. I've known this person since 1st grade, and he's never acted like this ONCE since I've known him, so to me, I feel like he's putting on a show. This bothers me because it only reinforces the fact that gay stereotypes are superficial and flaky.

I tried talking to him about it and he got really defensive and said this is who he is now (implying he didn't used to be like this).

I just want him to be himself, that's all... whatever the hell that is.

YOU feel like he's putting on a show. YOU want him to be himself--as long as it continues to be what you've always thought of him as. The fact that you tried "talking to him about it" instead of just rolling with it definitely gave him the signal that you disapprove. You're probably one of the first guys he thought would be supportive of him, and you blew it. If he's enjoying himself, who are you to "talk to him about it" and make him immediately feel like he has to defend himself?

You always reassure us that you're harsher on here, or that you're a better friend out there, Adam, and I'm guessing that none of us on here believe that. If you really did accept your friend, you would have come in and asked what the best way to support a friend is who seems to have changed drastically. Instead, you came in and ranted about him not being what you still want him to be, and revealed that you're not nearly as accepting as you like to think you are.

 

[nihilis]

No, I have a ton of friends who are really flamboyant, I honestly don't care. That's not what bothers me.

What bothers me is the fact that he's trying to be something he's not. If he really was a little gay prissy boy and he was acting like a jock, that would bother me just as much. I just wish I could know who the real him is... does that make sense?

Isn't that what we all go through before we come out? "Acting like something we're not"? I'm still not out, and I feel ridiculous trying to put up pretenses, and I know eventually it's all going to come out when it's time to come out. I think a little empathy and patience are in order here. It could just be a reaction to the process of coming out, who knows? Maybe he feels safer going to great lengths to define himself with his "new" peers. Everyone does the best they can do with what they're given. The truly sad thing would be if he used his homosexuality as the only definition of who he is, then he'll become the fulfillment of a stereotype. I think it's a bit early to make that judgement, however.

You, on the other hand, have to do what's right for you. If being around this person isn't comfortable for you anymore, then don't be around him. It's not right or wrong, you have to do what you have to do, but you're better off leaving him to his life than holding on to the resentment you feel towards the situation.

 

[backseatboy]

Adam. I just saw a friend from high school the other day (my sister's friends brothers) and the last time i saw him he was really dark, emo ish. now, he is out and his voice changed dramatically.. I was like (in my head), really?? Are you really going to try and tell me this is who you are now? I really felt like he was putting on a show, but it is just change. Why did his voice change? I couldn't tell you. I just learn accept it and move on as friends.

Anyway, I understand the confusion part you are talking about. "I just wish I could know who the real him is..." He might not know himself, OR he might be the "real him" now..... but it doesn't matter. Just be there for him like you say you are. There are just somethings that can't be explained in black and white you know? And there are some things that will never make sense. It might be disappointing/surprising to you that he is acting like what you see as a typical gay man, but it happens, everyday. Stereotypes are perpetuated all the time. Why stick to what people expect from a gay guy? I personally couldn't tell you. But, just try and be ok with your unfinished puzzle and start anew.

*hugs*
[Broke Straight Boys]