Friend in Frat

[2untru]

I have a friend (Ben) who's in a frat and they're recruiting for the new school year. The other day he pulled me to the side and asked me about another friend of mine (ZacK). Zack said that he's interested in joining the frat but since he is really flamboyant, Ben wanted to know if he was gay. He said that all the guys are cool with it but they'd like to know and since I'm his only gay friend he figured I might know; and I can understand that.

Thing is that I don't know if he is gay. He occasionally talks about women like he is into them and he's a weekly churchgoer. Neither of those say he's straight but the combination says he's not out if anything.

Ben doesn't care if he doesn't tell them immediately but I think he doesn't want the "question" to be on everybody's mind. We all know that the unknown causes people to react differently.

Basically, I wanna know too. If I found out, I wouldn't tell Ben but at least I can tell Zack what Ben said, may make him more comfortable with the group. What can I do?

 

[sportsguy22]

If i were you i'd take Zack to the side and let him know what Ben and the frat thought so that way he can make up his own mind about whether or not to tell them about that. i'd be sure to let him know that they don't have a problem with it tho cause you don't want him to get mad.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

I think this frat is putting too much interest in finding out if people are gay or not. To me, that sounds like they do have a problem with it. If it were a non-issue this questioning wouldn't even come up.

If Ben or the frat want to know, let them ask Zack themselves. They are using you to help them filter out their frat members, without having the balls to do it themselves. If I were in your shoes I'd be annoyed by this.

 

[KaraBulut]

If they are planning to accept him into the frat unconditionally, it shouldn't matter. But they shouldn't put you in the middle.

If they want to know, they should invite him to join and then ask him. If they don't have the nerve to ask him, then that should probably tell them something...

 

[Seasoned]

Why do the guys need to know? What is the school's non-discrimination policy? Does the frat have one?

 

[BlackMamba47]

As a person who is openly gay AND in a fraternity (I told all of the brothers; some no-voted me after they found it, but I was still accepted), you and your friends are in quite a position. Most fraternities in Public Universities have certain exemptions when it comes to who they admit and decline. While there are written statutes saying that a person cannot be declined based upon race, nationality, etc., most schools don't have one for sexual orientation (mine doesn't as well).

Also, if the issue of your friend being gay did become a reason for him to not get a bid, he'd have a hard time proving that that was the reason should he appeal the decision to the school. The voting brothers could just as easily say it was for another, non-discriminatory reason, and unless your friend has undoubted proof, not much would happen.

As for your issue, look at it this way. If the brothers in the fraternity are asking you if your friend is gay, they have already made the assumption that he IS gay. Regardless of what you say, or what he says, that assumption will always be on their mind, and it will affect whether he gets a bid, or gets no-voted.

It's nice that your frat brother friend (Ben) says that the guys are cool with it, but really, if they were, it wouldn't matter, and they wouldn't ask you to pose the question. Before I told my brothers, they assumed I was straight, but once I told, some grew distant, while others acted as if nothing had changed, and a select few were happy (less competition for sorority girls).

In this situation, I would let Zack know that the brothers are wondering, and I'd tell him that if he decides to pursue things, he should go in with the knowledge that the brothers already have pegged him as gay, and that he's probably facing an uphill struggle. I don't doubt that he'd get a bid, but there will always be brothers who will vote to keep him out solely because they think he's gay, whether or not that's actually the case.

 

[bhandsome]

I agree with the above statements of telling your friend Zack the situation and let him decide what to do.

I am also in a fraternity and I haven't come out the closet. When I rushed, I think my brothers thought I was straight, until they noticed that I never hooked up with girls or talked much about sex; this doesn't prove as a justification of being straight, but you know how guys can be. I've been asked quite a few times, from my brothers, if I was gay and I quickly laughed and denied it.

I think it would be better if your friend Zack told them sooner than later because I find it uncomfortable for me to be in a fraternity withholding the secret that I'm gay. I don't regret joining a frat, but being out a few years ago would make it less awkward.

 

[2untru]

^I think that's what I'm going to do. It might take some pressure off him if he decides to do it knowing that at least one guy there is gay-friendly for sure (Ben).