Friend not taking it so well...

[GayJerseyGuy]

Hey guys:

So I came out to a friend via email (first friend I have come out to so far)...and this is the response I got from her...

"I am totally cool with everything, I mean come on I hope you know me a bit better than that. I have to tell you though- after I got your email I seriously felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. If you told me when we first met- I would have been like yeah I know. The thing is we have become really close, and I feel like that is a BIG part of someone's life to not know about. I am totally understanding of your view- don't get me wrong. It is hard you haven't really told anyone else- it is just hard for me to understand was it you didn't trust me before? I left so many opportunities open you could've said something when I asked a long time ago. This is how I feel and maybe it is selfish but it doesn't really change our friendship. I guess I just feel kind of hurt that we are so close and you never told me. I thought we were closer and had a different relationship and closer freindship than that. I want to talk about it but in person. Not through email. I am going home tonight, hopefully, if they stop cancelling the damn flights into and out of this place. EVERY single time. I didn't bring my phone charger so I will talk to you soon."

I'm so totally upset with this. I thought she would have taken this a lot better, and been a lot more supportive...but isn't. What do you guys feel? I'm stunned by the response I got.

I'm worried that all of my other friends that I've known a lot longer are going to feel betrayed by me by not having told them years ago...

 

[LostVegas]

I dont know what everyone else would say, but to me it sounds like a very honest, sincere and heart warming response. He seems like a great friend..why are you so upset?

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

I dont know what everyone else would say, but to me it sounds like a very honest, sincere and heart warming response. He seems like a great friend..why are you so upset?

I guess I'm upset by the fact that she is kind of pissed that I didn't tell her a long time ago. I just wasn't ready to tell her. I think that she should respect that fact. I dunno...I just thought that her response would have been a little more positive

 

[Inwood]

You need to turn around and tell that person, "It's not about YOU! It's about ME!"

The reason they didn't know until now was because YOU weren't ready to tell anyone. Hell, you probably weren't even ready to ADMIT it to yourself that you were gay. It's not a question of you trusting them, or you wanting to hide something from them. It's a matter of you being comfortable with yourself enough to be able to tell people you're gay.

It boggles my mind how, when a person outs themselves to a friend/family member, that said friend/family member would dare to make it about them. It's quite selfish, IMO and shows a lack of sensitivity toward you.

I hope you tell this person that you told them first, and that you were only able to just recently muster up the courage to do so. Tell them also that its not a matter of trusting them or mistrusting them, but its a matter of you finally able to verbalize that you're gay.

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

You need to turn around and tell that person, "It's not about YOU! It's about ME!"

The reason they didn't know until now was because YOU weren't ready to tell anyone. Hell, you probably weren't even ready to ADMIT it to yourself that you were gay. It's not a question of you trusting them, or you wanting to hide something from them. It's a matter of you being comfortable with yourself enough to be able to tell people you're gay.

It boggles my mind how, when a person outs themselves to a friend/family member, that said friend/family member would dare to make it about them. It's quite selfish, IMO and shows a lack of sensitivity toward you.

I hope you tell this person that you told them first, and that you were only able to just recently muster up the courage to do so. Tell them also that its not a matter of trusting them or mistrusting them, but its a matter of you finally able to verbalize that you're gay.

Inwood...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I just needed someone else to tell me exactly what I was feeling...and you spelled it out in your response!

Thanks for making me feel sane! Much appreciated!

 

[HungLawboy27]

I agree with Inwood! Good Luck!

 

[luminum]

It's a pretty common response and usually it's because the person on the other end doesn't really understand what it's like to be closeted. You don't tell friends because you're worried that no matter how close you are, they could turn like a dime and it's not because you think less of them, it's because you're aware that it's a fact of life for many. If parents can throw their kids out, what's stopping best friends from turning you out, too.

As well, coming out is personal. Though you and she may have known for quite some time, it's a big step accepting it yourself and then a bigger step to further accept it by telling another...especially someone who's close to you.

Just tell her that it wasn't anything against her or your friendship, it was about you being ready to come out yourself and being pragmatic.

She's not being unsupportive, she's just concerned that the long time it took meant that you didn't trust her, which isn't the case at all.

 

[cmhcrew]

Inwood...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I just needed someone else to tell me exactly what I was feeling...and you spelled it out in your response!

Thanks for making me feel sane! Much appreciated!

You really read that response as not taking it well?

That's a fine approach, if you think this really is all about you, that nobody's feelings but yours count right now, and you don't want this friendship to continue. If that's the case, go for it.

This is a totally self-absorbed, selfish and self-centered approach that is not sane at all.

You might want to acknowledge how she feels though, let her know you understand how she may be hurt that it took you this long to trust that telling anybody wouldn't result in your rejection. That you really value and love this friendship so much that irrational fear kept you from being honest with yourself much less anyone else. Maybe that it's as a result of her frienship, the friendship that stood by you, (knowing) but let you figure it out in your own time and didn't force the issue with you, that you're even able to start the process of coming out even now. Maybe let her know how much that means to you.


...nah....you're right, fuck anyone who doesn't know how it feels to come out, they ought to by now, right? I mean she can't be all that great a friend if her first thought wasn't about throwing you a parade now could she? Make it all about you and tell anyone who doesn't like it that they're just being selfish, this is all about you damnit, let us know how that works, would ya?

 

[ElectricSuperstar]

I can totally understand both where you, and were your friend is coming from. It seem from what you posted, she did ask you at one time if you were gay, and it seems that you said no, or otherwise denied it. From her point of view, it would seem you didn't trust her and that can be very painful. I think perhaps your choice of coming out to her by email as she is leaving (and from the sound of it having a very unpleasant time) might have made her a little less nice then she otherwise would have been.

On the other hand, I also agree with Inwood, but he said it better than I could, so I won't repeat it. I will say that even though it is easier to come out today then 40 years ago, it still takes courage to do so, and it is up to you to determine when that time is right. But remember, they way we act always affects others.

On the whole, I would say your friend took it fairly well, and that she will remain your friend. It may be strained slightly, but given the apparent honesty of her email, I would suggest that if you are truly bothered by the email you tell her how it made you feel. I would do this in person or by phone, as email/texting doesn't convey feeling or emotions very well. Explain to her that it wasn't that you didn't trust her, but that you weren't ready, insure she understands that this is about you, but that you value her friendship, and of course, listen to her too, and try to understand her point of view.

Anyway, I wish you good luck and all the best.

 

[theblackajah]

Sounds to me like she's being completely supportive. Now it's YOUR turn to support HER feelings, and talk to her about them as well.

Life is never a one-way street. Help her understand why you hadn't told her sooner. She's a great friend, by the sounds of it.

And NO, coming out isn't always just about you- whether you like it or not, coming out is something that affects everyone around us, and we need to be considerate and understanding of their initial confusion.

 

[Inwood]

...nah....you're right, fuck anyone who doesn't know how it feels to come out, they ought to by now, right? I mean she can't be all that great a friend if her first thought wasn't about throwing you a parade now could she? Make it all about you and tell anyone who doesn't like it that they're just being selfish, this is all about you damnit, let us know how that works, would ya?

He wasn't asking for a parade, Señor Smart Arse. He was expressing how he felt after he mustered up the courage to come out to the first person he felt safe with to do so, only to have them have the wrong reaction.

And yes, it IS all about him when he comes out.

Nobody was saying she's not a good friend, she just had the wrong reaction. Actually, there is no wrong reaction, but there is a time and place for presenting feelings to people. After he bared his soul and laid it all on the line for her, the least she could do was be supportive and keep her negative attitude to herself, at least for a little while.

 

[RicanDAB]

It's an expected response from someone who has perceived a close relationship with you. All is not lost however. The more time she processes this and the more you guys talk about it, she'll eventually understand the reasons why you never came out to her earlier. I don't think she fully knows how hard it is for us to come out and say these things to someone no matter how emotionally intimate we are with them. She also needs to know that you couldn't share this information with her until you were comfortable about yourself.

From the sound of her email however, I feel that you have not lost a friend. I'm sure all will be fine

 

[G-Lexington]

Not everyone has a wonderful way with words, even via e-mail. (Sorry - especially via e-mail.) So sometimes we have to look for the meaning behind the words.

Was her response selfish? Yeah. But so what? The key part of this e-mail is, "This doesn't matter to me. I like you, and I'll always be there for you no matter what." That supersedes any other feelings. I wouldn't get on her ass about turning your coming out into a "what about MY feelings?" episode. Inwood had the right idea - tell her you've been struggling with this for years, you finally found the nerve to say it, and she's the first one you told.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

I think she was supportive of you being gay, but hurt that you didn't trust enough to tell her this before now. Many people have that reaction. The other thought she may have is what else are you hiding. When you talk to her in person, let her know that she is the very first that you came out to and it was very, very hard for you to do. I think all will be fine.