Friend starting to scare me

[irudesan]

Hello, i need a little help on how to deal with a friend that is starting to scare me.

A little story: i told him on december that i was gay, i always thought he was straight, and NEVER felt anything gay for him, he was just a friend, we were getting more confident with each other, i know him for almost 6 years, and thats why i just told him i was gay. Well, everything was fine, until last month, when he talked to me and told me that he was confused about his feelings towards me, i had like a big WTF??? in my head. He says he is NOT gay (of course i think he is clearly in denial) but that "sometimes" he has a "selective gayness" with some people, but has never done anything gay, AND that he was willing to do something with me... I politely rejected him that time, saying that it will not work, and stuff like that.

But the thing that started to worry me happened today.

On Monday he told me that if i wanted to go play some pool, but we had an exam on tuesday, so i told him that we better go on wednesday (today). I just thought like "oh ok, we re going to play pool, its a thing friends do sometimes". The thing is that after the classes were over, other classmates started to invite everyone to the movies to watch underworld, so i told him, "hey, what if we better go to the movies, now that everyone is going", he told me that it was ok. But later, when i was looking for him he was gone. Nobody knew where he went. Well then i went with the other classmates to a mall to eat before the movie, and he called me on my cell, and told me that "why did you do that to me?, i just wanted to have some time with you alone, and you didnt even called me when i left, and you didnt even noticed the shirt i was wearing (it was pretty), and blah blah blah", i was really in shock, specially because i was in front of my other classmates, and didnt know what face to put. The thing ended when he told me: "you know, im not going to invite you anymore to anyplace", and hung up. Again i had a huge WTF? in my head. Obviously he thought we were going to have a DATE, not just a "pool game with a friend"...

The thing is that i DONT like him at all, but i dont know what to do. We are classmates, we are finishing med school, we are 24, and im sure im going to see him at least for 1 more year (during our time in the hospital), so i dont want to do the "i wont talk to you anymore thing" because i think its childish, but i dont know how else to handle the situation. Also, im a little scared and a little pissed off by his attitude... anyway...

Advices please.

Sorry if there is some mistake in my english, im from Panama (its in Central America in case you dont know) and dont practice it very often.

 

[DonSade]

Be clear as much as you possibly need to and tell him you're not interested in anything romantic with him. You'll probably have to break his heart but if it is what'll take, do it. It's better than having a possible stalker targeting you. There is no such thing as being harsh when saying the truth. Above all, honesty is probably the best thing a friendship can be driven by. Be honest!

 

[backpacker]

Obviously he likes you. You have clearly told him that you only like him as a friend. Since you had never noticed a problem before you came out, it could be that you are his first gay friend and he feels safe around you. He told you stuff that he has probably never told anyone else. Now he's become emotionally invested with you.

Be the bigger man and don't make a big deal about his emotional outburst. Apologize for not playing pool with him. Tell him you didn't realize that it was important to him and had you known, you would have gone with him. Hopefully that puts you back on speaking terms.

Once you patch things up, make it clear to him that you value his friendship, but that you are not interested anything more than a friendship. Suggest that he try some gay sites or bars to experiment with his sexuality. Hopefully if he finds someone interested in him, his inappropriate feelings toward you will go away. Don't plan any one on one activities with him for a while. Only see him in group settings. That should put some distance between the two of you and hopefully allow his feelings to cool down. If he calls to make plans, tell him you are already have something else going on. Invite him to join in a group activity when appropriate. That way he doesn't feel like you have totally dropped.

If he continues with the weird behavior, you will need to tell him directly that you are not interested in him and that he is making you uncomfortable. At that point I would change the friendship into a professional relationship. By that I meant don't socialize with him outside of school or work. Good luck!

 

[rareboy]

He actually sounds more like he's 12 than 24.

I'd be honest with him that he's not your romantic type and that he's frankly a little immature for your tastes.

Maybe he'll get over being such a prima donna.

 

[KaraBulut]

This sounds like an episode of "The Hills".

You friend is a self-absorbed, over-the-top, closeted drama queen. Don't waste any more time with him until he grows up and stops acting like a teenage girl.

 

[StlKj]

Or you could be firm while still being compassionate, understanding that he's confused and falling for a friend. You did kind of blow off your plans with him in order to join a group--not exactly cool even if he hadn't reacted the way he did.

 

[mc18yng]

Your English is quite decent.

 

[blogthissucker]

yeah, don't be self-conscious about your english at all, I never would have guessed it's not your first language.

I think you need to be a bit more delicate with this guy than other people are saying. He's probably in a pretty weird place emotionally... closeted/not closeted. You know how it is. I don't think that ignoring him is a good way to deal with this, or lying to him that you're busy like someone else suggested (if he's really infatuated, he will continue to bug you until it becomes obvious that you're lying about being busy and he gets really pissed off). Definitely don't give him false hope for a relationship, but be careful you don't crush him or make him stop hanging out with you.

Wait... I was just about to type "he needs help, and you're the best person to give it." But then I realized that it's never anyone's job to take care of someone else just because of pity, that's a horrible way to maintain a friendship/relationship. I'm not sure what I'm saying any more.

I guess the only advice I haven't gone back on is don't lie to him. He'll figure it out and it will crush him.

 

[Julian89]

Hurt him for being truthful rather than making him happy with a false hope. At least you're honest and if he's a mature person, he'll be indeed devastated at first but later on will get over it. And if you can, please continue being his friend but while he is still has a liking for you, don't show him any actions or words that he might mistook for affection.

 

[irudesan]

Well, yes, ill talk to him this week, maybe on monday, or tuesday
I feel a little sad for him because i really know what he might probably be on, and it also makes me a little sad to think im the cause of his suffering...

I think he is pretty confused, 2 weeks before he told me that he was dating a girl in the odontology faculty, and that things were going cool, so thats why i thought he d forgotten about his feelings for me, but guess he s struggling with a lot of things...

Anyway, im going to talk with him and try to get to the better solution, put the things straight, and see if he wants to continue talking to me, but putting aside any romantic thing... though i dont really know what words ill use...

Thanks for taking the time to answer me!!, i read all the messages (i never thought of him as a teenage girl, or a drama queen, you were so mean hahaha, i just think he is struggling with knowing wich sex he is really attracted to)

Thanks again, y saludos desde Panamá!