Friend wants to go all the way

[rob2002]

Hi,

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so I thought I would come on here and I would appreciate any advice. I'm basically very conservative, very naive, and very inexperienced. I mean, I'm 24 and I just had my first drink of alcohol last week if that tells you anything. My best friend and I have fooled around once. One night, completely out of the blue we kissed and gave each other bj's. I had never done anything remotely like that with a guy or a girl even. I have to say it was okay but not really what I expected. I never even finished. I was completely depressed for a month. It took me a week to eat a normal meal after that. I felt so guilty. I never told him how bad I felt. Well that was about 6 months ago. We had never spoken of it until last week. He kept wanting me to drink and I finally gave in. I got a little buzz but I was still thinking clearly. Anyway, when we went to his place, he all of sudden asked me if I wanted to do anal. He told me to be naked when he got back. Well, I just sat there thinking he must be joking. But then he came back and talked about how good it must feel and we starting talking about different sexual stuff and basically he wants to do it-me do it to him. Nothing happened that night but I'm kind of torn. I mean, I'm basically a virgin and I really want to try sex but I remember how depressed I was after a little blow job. I think for both of us it would just be sex. I mean he has a girlfriend and I'm looking for a girlfriend, but I'm not going to deny that I think guys are hot too. I guess were both bi-curious. But I always wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. Of course, I also said I would never drink alcohol too. I'm afraid I'm too much of a prude to deal with the ramifications of it but I'm also afraid 24 years of abstinence will overrule that and I'll give in. This is a really big deal for me. The phrase "casual sex" doesn't register in my brain. Any advice? Thanks!

 

[TrdMrk]

I think you should tell him that you are uncomfortable; there is nothing worse than someone thinking you're into them or sex with them and you barely think about pissing in a urinal next to them.

Honesty is always going to be the first answer, the next probably would be tell him that you don't want your first time to be with HIM, especially considering your (wonderously rare) virgin status.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

Hi,

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so I thought I would come on here and I would appreciate any advice. I'm basically very conservative, very naive, and very inexperienced. I mean, I'm 24 and I just had my first drink of alcohol last week if that tells you anything. My best friend and I have fooled around once. One night, completely out of the blue we kissed and gave each other bj's. I had never done anything remotely like that with a guy or a girl even. I have to say it was okay but not really what I expected. I never even finished. I was completely depressed for a month. It took me a week to eat a normal meal after that. I felt so guilty. I never told him how bad I felt. Well that was about 6 months ago. We had never spoken of it until last week. He kept wanting me to drink and I finally gave in. I got a little buzz but I was still thinking clearly. Anyway, when we went to his place, he all of sudden asked me if I wanted to do anal. He told me to be naked when he got back. Well, I just sat there thinking he must be joking. But then he came back and talked about how good it must feel and we starting talking about different sexual stuff and basically he wants to do it-me do it to him. Nothing happened that night but I'm kind of torn. I mean, I'm basically a virgin and I really want to try sex but I remember how depressed I was after a little blow job. I think for both of us it would just be sex. I mean he has a girlfriend and I'm looking for a girlfriend, but I'm not going to deny that I think guys are hot too. I guess were both bi-curious. But I always wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. Of course, I also said I would never drink alcohol too. I'm afraid I'm too much of a prude to deal with the ramifications of it but I'm also afraid 24 years of abstinence will overrule that and I'll give in. This is a really big deal for me. The phrase "casual sex" doesn't register in my brain. Any advice? Thanks!

Let me begin by saying that oral sex is sex. As far as becoming depressed having oral sex with him, why did you become depressed? Did it have anything to do with sex or were there other reasons?

He has a girlfriend and it would probably be in your best interests not to have sex with him anymore. Even if he did not have a girlfriend, I would advise against it as it already seems like you are having a difficult time dealing with feelings after having sex with him.

Another question that comes to my mind is why are you abstaining from alcohol as well as sex? If you do not feel you can handle the ramifications of having sex, don't. The same goes for drinking alcohol.

 

[Caaake]

Looks like you have your answer, this isn't comfortable for you. This is not what you want. YEa your attracted to hot guys, but this is not the right time and you just said it wasn't so tell him that. And stay strong, stand your ground.

 

[FabFairy]

While you may be uncomfortable tell him how you feel and if you are interested in experimenting. Then both take you time, talk issues out and enjoying it before moving on the the next step.

 

[3x3is9]

I have a few questions. How did this "out of the blue fooling around" happen? Did he initiate it, or was it mutual? Why didn't you finish? Was it because you weren't aroused? Is it because you generally take longer to get off and you didn't take the time? Why did you feel guilty? Why were you depressed? Those are pretty generic terms. Did you regret it? Were you nervous about it? Were you worried about the implications of having done it? How did your friend seem to react after? Why do you want to hold off on sex until marriage? Is it for physical reasons, like STI's? It is for emotional reasons, like you'll be more connected with the person if you wait? Is it religious/moral reasons, like you think that's the way it's supposed to be done? Why are you against alcohol? Is it the physical harm to your body that you're concerned about? Are you scared of your emotional inhibitions being removed? Is it a religious/moral thing?

Answers to these questions might help us to understand your situation more, and give you better advice.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Rob,

Mate, you are in a difficult spot right now mate theres no question.

Its that time where your fears and dreads start to materialize and reality is starting to kick in... and your scared. Scared and ridden with a guilt that takes a hold and wont let go. And yet your head and your heart are taking you right back to that point again. Right back to the source of the guilt.

Know why we know that Rob? Because a lot of us have been there. Right where you are now.

At 24 yeah mate maybe you have lead a sheltered life, but you still know what you want... and thats what scares you and racks you with guilt.

Your suspicious you're at the very least bi and perhaps gay. You dont want to be, your upbringing tells you that you shouldnt be, your beliefs are against it and you dread the thought of what it all might mean.

Rob, you're on a gay forum, a safe place, a friendly place and one that will support you. You've been here for a few months now and I suspect that you've watched and looked at guys for a long time now. And youve just had an experience with a friend who wants more.

And you know something? You're still you. Your still the same guy you always were. You still laugh and cry and love and care. Your feelings and emotions, and your deepest fantasies and desires are just parts of what make you you.

Grappling with what feels right and what you think you should do or what you think others might want you to do is a struggle only those who have gone through it can understand.

You can tie your self in knots and make yourself sick in the stomach doing something that at once feels right and then haunts you like a sick dream. Mate, we understand.

You need to start to accept yourself, who you are and what you might be. You need to understand that no matter what you are valued, loved and cherished and that no matter your sexuality it doesnt change your values or morals.

You need to believe that its ok to be who you are.

Guilt has no place in your life over this. And to see you torn like this because your being drawn in two directions is sad and its something we want to help you overcome.

Your self beleif and acceptance that you are not wrong or sick or evil, and that the hiding away and avoidance of this subject ends are really important mate. Avoiding loving someone just hurts you more than you already do.

Its not an easy journey mate... but its one you have to take.

Dont rush it, dont leap or run. Just take small baby steps - the most important of which is with yourself. Understand yourself a little better, know that its ok to be you and what comes with that.

Then , when you think you are ready, and when you want to, then explore what its like to be with a guy.

For now though mate, you need to exorcise the demons that have you bound in fear, because you deserve way better than to let that rule your life any longer.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm with everybody else here. This isn't a good idea. It sounds like your friend can look at this as "just sex". You two can get physical, and then he can take a shower, and continue his life as if nothing happened. He won't feel any closer to you, and if he considers himself straight, he'll still consider himself straight afterwards.

You, on the other hand, aren't wired that way. Sex will be an extension of your relationship.

So just tell him no. Politely. Say you don't think you can approach sex as "just sex", and you'd rather have him as a friend for life than a bed partner for a night, so it probably won't be a good idea.

Then, once that's resolved, you can start working on what you DO want in bed, and how to go about finding it.

Lex

 

[zeus007]

I'm with everybody else here. This isn't a good idea. It sounds like your friend can look at this as "just sex". You two can get physical, and then he can take a shower, and continue his life as if nothing happened. He won't feel any closer to you, and if he considers himself straight, he'll still consider himself straight afterwards.

I also agree with this. It seems he cares about sex only. he may think you as easy "target" because you are not experienced. Doesnt look good idea mate. Why the rush? Is he that hot...?

 

[backpacker]

I think tallguy297 hit the nail on the head.

You shouldn't do anything that you don't want to do. Be honest with your friend and tell him what you are thinking. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If he's a good friend, he won't want you to do anything that you are not comfortable doing.

I read your original post from September. In that post you describe the way you guys originally had oral sex as kind of a cat and mouse thing. You were both working toward the what ultimately happened. Yes, he made the first physical move, but you gave him the invitation and after kissing you suggested the bj. The point I'm trying to make is that it was mutual. Your friend probably viewed this as mutual as well.

In the recent situation, he probably initiated assuming that you would want to have sex. You didn't want to have sex, so you guys didn't. The fact that it's been six months since anything happened probably means that he is just as nervous about it as you are. He probably thought that the alcohol would give both of you some liquid courage to do something again. That's a totally wrong way to approach things and I'm glad that you didn't get so drunk that something happened that you didn't want.

You said that you are looking for a girlfriend. When's the last time you had a serious girlfriend? The reason I ask is that guys who are in denial about their sexuality often set the standard so high for a girlfriend that no woman could ever meet it. Kind of a "I want a girlfriend, but I can't find one that meets my expectations" attitude. It's really a way of avoiding your sexuality altogether. That may or may not apply to you. You should think about the reason you don't have a girlfriend now.

My advice is for you to examine the reasons why you don't want to have sex with your friend. Your reasons may be very valid or they could just be a way to avoid your fears. You may want to consider some counseling to help you work through your feelings.

 

[biguy732]

Rob-
I think that many of the posts above have given you much food for thought. Not being sure of your exact reasons for abstinance and guilt - it is a pretty straightforward answer - talk to your friend about this. The "casual sex" notion also gets a bit complicated since he has a girlfriend - at that point it is really cheating.

Also, you need to do some SERIOUS soul searching to answer some questions about yourself. First, straight, bi, or gay - and be true with yourself. As far as being conservative, naive, and inexperienced - is there a religious belief behind this, a cultural belief, or just your nature? Are you happy being this conservative? Being naive - just being on this website shows that you are that naive about sex - just look around at the forums. As far as a girlfriend - this goes back to my first question about which way your compass points - do you want one for a companion/sexual relationship or because you are "supposed" to have one.

I know this was not much of an answer, but I think that you already have many of the answers yourself already. Best of luck.

 

[rob2002]

Thanks for all your advice.

The weird thing is that, for a while now, I've been thinking that I was completely bi. I mean, I like gay porn. I thought that meant I had to be gay. But in person, I'm way more attracted to girls than guys. I think the problem is that because I had sex for the first time with him I tried to attach feelings to it that weren't really there. He's my best friend but I've never had a crush on him. I've never had a crush on any guy. Nothing more than thinking "that guy's hot." I've only ever had feelings for girls. I don't think it's necessarily that I'm yearning to have sex with a guy specifically. I just want to have sex period. I mean I'm a guy and I've only had one sexual experience. Most people probably would just go out, get a girlfriend or boyfriend, and then have sex. But I have been taught all my life that premarital sex is completely wrong and because of my upbringing I will never feel comfortable having sex until I am married. I guess my hormones are clouding my judgment. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this but I'm afraid if he asks again I won't be able to say no. It's also almost like a boost to my confidence too I think "wow, my straight best friend wants to have sex with me."

As far as the first time, he initiated it. I gave in because, well I had never done it and I had 24 years of hormones working against me. I was a little nervous but as for the reason I didn't finish, I don't really know. I think I was too worried and over-thinking to really enjoy it. I was depressed after because I felt it was completely wrong to do it. I do have strong religious beliefs and while I know many here probably do not understand it, my religious beliefs are the foundation to my life and I felt like I let God down. That's the reason it's hard to experiment with anything - sex, alcohol, whatever. I just have strong beliefs. That's something I can't just shut off no matter what, even if I wanted to.

 

[tallguy297]

I do have strong religious beliefs and while I know many here probably do not understand it, my religious beliefs are the foundation to my life and I felt like I let God down. That's the reason it's hard to experiment with anything - sex, alcohol, whatever. I just have strong beliefs. That's something I can't just shut off no matter what, even if I wanted to.

No mate, we understand it... and its pretty much what I had pictured and what I mean by your head and your heart taking you in different directions.

The religious debate can and will go on and on and on... its a vicious and never ending cycle with people throwing chapter and verse at you until you break down and cry.

My simple view of it is this.

If there is a God, he wants you to be a good person. A kind caring compassionate person who thinks about others and lives a life that somehow does some good. And as part of that, so you can do your best work, he wants you to have faith, beleive... and be happy.

Now, where it gets ugly stupid and out of hand is mans ability to cut and shut and pick and choose gospel and verse to suit whatever argument they like. Some for us, most against.

Screw mans interpretation of things Rob. Screw feeling that just because someone read a verse that he thinks means one thing, something that might well have been out of context or even written out of context in the first place just so he or she can tell you how to live your life.

Mans interpretation of religion has given us guilt. And for as long as I live I will never understand one persons desire to put another down. It flies in the simple principal of religion and for me thats not the basis to live your life.

If your God wants anything other than for you to lead a life of good deeds, of faith and fulfillment then I'd be very surprised. If he wants anything other than you happy safe sound and being all you can be for not only him but yourself then I have really missed the point.

And if being born gay or bi - something thats completely out of your hands is meant to be a life sentence in his eyes then all is lost.

I'm not saying throw your beliefs away Rob, I really do know how important they are. The girl I loved so much I could have married her despite knowing I was gay, is deeply deeply religious - she was the reason I faced up to who I really was so I didnt hurt her. When I came out to her, she had enormous trouble reconciling what she had been taught all her life with what she knew in her heart.

But she did. She simply believes that her God knows what he's doing and if I'm gay then that was the plan. And if I'm still a good person and gay with it then maybe some of this other stuff is wrong... or at least could be.

Maybe mate, thats the plan he has for you too.

 

[zeus007]

It's also almost like a boost to my confidence too I think "wow, my straight best friend wants to have sex with me."

I think he is wee bisexual mate...