friend with benefits...

[shy-bi-guy]

I posted a month ago about my first gay sex (well, oral sex) experience, and how I'm not only new and awkward to this but also married, and so it's really trying for me to figure out how the whole process works of making a meaningful connection with a guy while not jeopardizing the rest of my life.

The thing is, if I don't ever have a sexual experience with a guy again I'm probably not going to go nuts or anything, because I'm pretty good with the whole monogamy thing (except for having cheated last month... but that was seven years into our relationship).

But even though I don't really HAVE to have gay sex, I think I would really feel a lot more fulfilled if I had that "one special friend" who I knew I could blow off steam with, even only on rare occasions, especially if he were someone mostly straight or married that I could have as a real friend who my wife would know and trust, not just a secret fuck buddy. (I wouldn't want my wife to know we were sexually intimate, though.)

I'm wondering how realistic this hope of mine is? (Probably not very.) I hate the thought of trying to make a friend with the intention of having a clandestine love affair behind my wife's back / right under her nose, but at the same time I think it would be healthy for me.

I don't really feel the need to have sex with a ton of men. I'm a pretty mild guy sexually, so I value relationships more than sex, but I wish I could have basically two "monogamous" relationships for the two sides of my sexuality.

What I'm wondering is... Has anyone else had this kind of relationship? Has it worked out or gone horribly wrong after a while? How would someone go about finding the sort of guy that this could work with?

I'm sure there's no real answer to some of my questions, but if anyone words of advice or some experience with this kind of thing I'd love to know what you think. Thanks dudes.

 

[bw92116]

As long as you're married you should stay faithful to your wife. Sorry, that's not the answer you're looking for, but when you took those vows at your wedding you made a commitment to her to be faithful to her. You need to honor that commitment. I know that yes, a lot of married men do fool around with guys on the side, secretly, but I don't think it's right. Men who want to be with both women and men concurrently should not get married, because marriage implies a faithful commitment to that one person. Sorry, that's just my take and I'm sure you'll get a variety of other opinions.

 

[Robbert]

Screw the married part. You weren't born for other people you were born for youself this is a selfish though but it means you got priority

 

[Enduster]

Once you start keeping secrets like this your relationship is toast. Sure it may drag on for a few months or even years, but it's toast. If you really cared about your relationship you'd level with your spouse and figure out a way both of you can stay fulfilled. Just my opinion is all.

 

[shy-bi-guy]

As long as you're married you should stay faithful to your wife. Sorry, that's not the answer you're looking for, but when you took those vows at your wedding you made a commitment to her to be faithful to her. You need to honor that commitment. I know that yes, a lot of married men do fool around with guys on the side, secretly, but I don't think it's right. Men who want to be with both women and men concurrently should not get married, because marriage implies a faithful commitment to that one person. Sorry, that's just my take and I'm sure you'll get a variety of other opinions.

In all honesty, I'm just looking for whatever answers people can give me. I've handled my sexuality really well for the vast majority of my life and then in the last few weeks and months I kind of went into a self-destructive phase so I come here to try to figure things out. I can't really handle it all by myself anymore but I don't want to go out and put myself and my relationships at risk, so I figured a forum like this would be a good sounding board. All advice is good advice, as far as I'm concerned, so don't apologize for saying things you think I don't want to hear.

 

[PATMAN]

I'm pretty good with the whole monogamy thing (except for having cheated last month... but that was seven years into our relationship).

I didn't even read the rest after that. That was enough to tell me you're absolutely an idiot.

 

[Singularity]

If I were you, I wouldn't go behind your wife's back, she doesn't deserve that. Be honest about your tendencies and tell her that once in a while, you need to satisfy the gay side of your side sexually and there's nothing she can do about it other than letting you have a friend with benefits.

It's a tricky situation but absolutely do-able. I'm a supporter of open relationships across the board. It's healthier for a couple to once in a while satisfy their separate sexual needs with someone other than their partner rather than sneaking around and slowly destroying the marriage or relationship with lies and deceit.

 

[peeonme]

I got married 39 yrs. ago, before this as a teen I had been with a lot of guys my age at the time, I was also attracted to girls, but not as much as I was guys.
Since marriage I have been with noone but my wife, she lost interest in sex about 15 yrs. ago, now it's me and my computer and masturbation, I have fulfilled any gay need
in this fashion since marriage.
Women know when their hubby is cheating, maybe he just seems to be smiling too much, after a good j/o session and some gay porn I seem to have a silly grin on my face, think what I would look like if I got fucked by some hot dude.
To sum it up, if you love your wife and value your marriage,
give up on the thought of a fwb thing, it's something that will
be hard to hide, we have made a commitment, for me at least it means only one sex partner at a time, at this point the sex partner is me, it's sufficient.

 

[JNewYork]

Thanks for sharing such honesty here. Your situation is probably not unique at all, and I don't envy your position.

I guess my being completely gay is a blessing in that I wouldn't have to be in the double life position, which can't be easy.

I am not going to judge you. I can't imagine not giving in to my man on man ways, so I'm not going to judge you.

But I would rethink finding someone that can be great friends with your wife around. Women especially have a sixth sense about things and she will pick up on the fact that you two are doing each other.

Is it possible that you could ever discuss a possible threesome with a dude some time?

 

[shy-bi-guy]

I didn't even read the rest after that. That was enough to tell me you're absolutely an idiot.

Can I just say that I really hate this attitude? I've had five sexual partners in my life and unfortunately one of them came after I married my wife because I couldn't take the stress and loneliness of hiding my bi-side any longer. I'm sorry that that offends you, but it does not make me an idiot.

I'm sure there are people on this forum who have sex with more people in one weekend than I've had in my entire life, because I truly do value serious, committed relationships with people I care about. I do believe I have the right to make decisions about my sex life and relationships without having people insult me or belittle the choices I make. I'm going through a really heart-rending phase of my life because I want some kind of companionship I've never had before.

I don't think that makes me an idiot or a psychopath or anything. Most people are suggesting that I don't go through with trying to make something like this work, and I understand and appreciate that. But there's no reason to attack me for a being in a really unhappy and difficult situation in my life.

 

[edalboy]

hey bud, like assholes, everyone has an opinion and too often people don't know when to keep their opinion to themselves. good luck to you in your journey, i know you are in a tough spot and i hope it works out for you. the post above about maybe trying a threeway with the wife might be a good way to go, if you can get her into it. i share your desire to explore "the other side" but from the opposite angle. i'm gay and suddenly i'm very interested in pussy and tits (still love dick too). get the wife onboard for a hot MFM and we can hone our skills; you can teach me how to eat pussy and i'll give you pointers on sucking dick! mmmm, sounds hot.

 

[mcbrion]

Shy-bi:
How long have you known you were interested in guys? Is this something you admitted to yourself recently? I haven't read your other posts. Does your wife know you have ANY attraction to other men? What do you think would be her response if she asked you if you'd had sex with a guy and you said yes? Understanding? Hurt? Angry?

 

[lonestarfun]

Can I just say that I really hate this attitude? I've had five sexual partners in my life and unfortunately one of them came after I married my wife because I couldn't take the stress and loneliness of hiding my bi-side any longer. I'm sorry that that offends you, but it does not make me an idiot.

I'm sure there are people on this forum who have sex with more people in one weekend than I've had in my entire life, because I truly do value serious, committed relationships with people I care about. I do believe I have the right to make decisions about my sex life and relationships without having people insult me or belittle the choices I make. I'm going through a really heart-rending phase of my life because I want some kind of companionship I've never had before.

I don't think that makes me an idiot or a psychopath or anything. Most people are suggesting that I don't go through with trying to make something like this work, and I understand and appreciate that. But there's no reason to attack me for a being in a really unhappy and difficult situation in my life.

Hey man, I can understand what you are going through. You should ignore some of the rude comments.
As much hard as it might seem to be, try to bring up this topic with your wife..Explain to her what you are going through and that you love her and want to be commited to her but also have some physical needs..

 

[BlueEyedGuy]

Hey there,

There are way to many positive and affirming posts here to focus on the few uninformed negative ones.. Don't worry about how someone who knows nothing about you or your situation views you.. It's not important really. You've got a lot of courage to seek out the answers that some who may be responding in a negative manner may be searching for themselves.. Hang in there, DONT be hard on yourself; be easy and continue to give yourself time and permission to discover what's important to you.. Good luck dude..

 

[shy-bi-guy]

Can I explain part of what prompted this thread?

When I was looking to hook up with guys over the internet, I contacted a bisexual guy who wanted a very discreet, longterm sexual relationship with another guy and he responded back to me. We both wanted to go about our sexual urges without having to let anyone in on our bisexuality. However, the picture he included in his follow up email kind of turned me off - not because of his looks, but because it was a pic of him in a bar with some friends and he looked douchey. I decided it wouldn't be worth it to me to risk entering into an affair with a guy whose personality might really turn me off.

Anyway, I never responded and kind of forgot about him. But recently I took a student teaching job where I work with a guy that I'm about 90% sure is the guy whose picture I saw but who never knew who I was. He's a really awesome guy, he's engaged to be married, we're both English teachers, and it turns out we even went to the same college (not at the same time, though, he's a few years older than me).

Now I really want to be with him but I don't even know how to broach the subject, and I'm a little afraid that I'm wrong and it's just a guy who looks really, really similar to the one I emailed back in November. We don't even have much opportunity to interact at the school we're at, so it feels awkward to try to even strike up a conversation with him, much less say, "Hey, I'm married, but aren't you the guy I was soliciting gay sex from on the internet a couple months ago?"

I doubt anything will ever come of it, but I'm really wishing I had seized the opportunity to be with this guy when I had the chance. I hate the fact that I'm left with this dilemma where there's all these courses of action that I could take, but I don't know what to expect.

1) I never tell him that I think we tried to hook up over the internet and spend the rest of my life wondering "what could have been".

2) I tell him and he's cool with it and discreet, but not the guy I was talking to.

3) I tell him and he freaks out because he's not the guy and has no idea what I'm talking about and it causes problems for me.

4) I tell him and he's the guy but he's not interested anymore.

5) I tell him, he's the guy, and we hook up.

That's only a 20% chance that anything worthwhile comes of it for me. And even then, with the hooking up option, I'm jeopardizing my marriage and his impending one. But the situation is driving me bonkers.

 

[bw92116]

Fine, but I still think your relationship with your wife is more important than that with any guy including the one you describe. Several people have suggested you discuss this issue with your wife. Is that a possibility?

 

[b0i70y]

The true staple of any lasting relationship is the ability to be honest about your feelings. You should speak to your wife about this, and have a mature and rational discussion with her about your feelings.

If you can't even do that, then your marriage is flawed anyway...

 

[shy-bi-guy]

In the end I know I'm almost certainly not going to do anything again with a guy. It's just that now that I have done it, it obsesses me a lot more than it did when I hadn't ever done it before. I come here to kind of play out my fantasies and have people remind me of reality.

Mostly, I wish I could just talk to my wife about it, but she's not only really conservative about marriage role (not so much sex, but she's Susie Homemaker who could never countenance the thought that her husband might do things like, gasp!, masturbate or think about other people, yada, yada), and she also has really strong anxiety problems that create all sorts of relationship issues even about things that don't threaten our relationship. If I told my wife about my bisexual side, she would ditch me even if I had never cheated on her, or she would use it as an excuse to make my life a living hell forever.

Really, I joined the forum so that I could just play out a few of my fantasies and anxieties in a constructive way, where people bring me back down to reality - as you all have done - so that I won't go out and do something really stupid or jeopardizing to myself and my marriage.

Wow that was repetitive.

 

[b0i70y]

In the end I know I'm almost certainly not going to do anything again with a guy. It's just that now that I have done it, it obsesses me a lot more than it did when I hadn't ever done it before. I come here to kind of play out my fantasies and have people remind me of reality.

Mostly, I wish I could just talk to my wife about it, but she's not only really conservative about marriage role (not so much sex, but she's Susie Homemaker who could never countenance the thought that her husband might do things like, gasp!, masturbate or think about other people, yada, yada), and she also has really strong anxiety problems that create all sorts of relationship issues even about things that don't threaten our relationship. If I told my wife about my bisexual side, she would ditch me even if I had never cheated on her, or she would use it as an excuse to make my life a living hell forever.

Really, I joined the forum so that I could just play out a few of my fantasies and anxieties in a constructive way, where people bring me back down to reality - as you all have done - so that I won't go out and do something really stupid or jeopardizing to myself and my marriage.

Wow that was repetitive.

You're contradicting yourself a bit... Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that that doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to begin with. You're supposed to get married to someone who loves and accepts you for all that you are. From what you say, I'm more concerned about the foundations of your marriage rather than your recent infidelity.

But, it's not really any of my business. *shrug*

 

[Oldschoolboy]

Wow, there's so much going on on this thread. Soooo much.

First, I think I understand you, and I'm afraid I might share your feelings (but that's another story). For starters I think that the simple fact of having a male friend who you might talk to about what's going on in your life would make you feel much better. The fact that you are looking for someone in the same situation tells me that it is even more important than sex itself (at least for a first step).

Secondly, I think maybe even if you would go to the next step maybe you would feel like it is enough just sharing those moments with you. In my case (I've never done anything about it, gotta say) I feel like having a friend who I could masturbate with (each to his own, just sharing the experience) would be enough, maybe that could be enough for you.

Lastly, regarding that douchy colleague of yours what about emailing him back? You said you didn't reply since last November (I think) but you could easily argument that you had doubts about it and now you're regretting you didn't get to know him better. Does hi has any picture of you (so he might already know it is you)? If not, why not just trying to get more info from him, so you can get to know if it is him (maybe asking for his working time, as that would be "innocent" and revealing enough).

I really want to know how things work out for you, there's just so much you can learn from this forum and people here... A lot of experiences to share!