friend zone - stay or leave?

[mrdapper]

I'll try to make this short: I met this guy on a popular gay app. We hit it off immediately, and have been talking nonstop everyday for the past 4 months. Early on, he told me that he was still getting over his ex and that he wanted to get to know me, rather than jump into the sheets. Sounded perfect, to me. However, we've both admitted how sexually attracted we are to one another. Still, we have become pretty much best friends. He's now completely done with his ex and tells me about his sexual adventures and such. I've come to realize that I get jealous when he tells me these things because I like him as more than a friend. Sometimes I think he feels the same, but tries to hide it. For instance, we slept in the same bed one night and his friend was floored that we didn't do a thing. He said that he told his friend "gross. He's like a brother to me", but then he'll text me while he's out drinking and tell me about the bad luck he's having with meeting guys, and says "can we just date?". Also, he's sent me some pretty racy photos while drunk. But the next day he'll tell me about a new guy he met. My question to you guys is: do I share my feelings with him? Or leave things as they are, and try to accept him as only being a great friend?

 

[GreyUnderscore]

Tell him. You won't know how he really feels until you do.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

"GROSS"?

Girl, bye. He's using you. He refers to the idea of being with you as "gross" then flirts whenever he has a beer or two.

 

[mrdapper]

"GROSS"?

Girl, bye. He's using you. He refers to the idea of being with you as "gross" then flirts whenever he has a beer or two.

No, he's referring to having sex with a brother as "gross". However, like I said, it could be a way to deflect. Also, how is he using me? By being a great friend? I'm confused by this response.

 

[sixthson]

He doesn't want to jump into the sheets with you but he has no problem doing it with other guys? How do you explain that?

You have nothing to lose by telling him how you feel about him. At the very least, you will know what he wants from you.
I doubt you will be able to accept only friendship. You may have to leave because it hurts to accept less than love.

 

[JPGhost]

Yes, bye bye my love

 

[dpnice]

Life would be so simple and relationships would be no problem if people would only pull themselves up and actually communicate. How is anyone meant to guess what you are feeling, no one is a mind reader. Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling.

 

[Willie Boy]

It sounds like he may want to have more than just a friendship with you, but as that is what you came into the relationship expecting.... he may be afraid to suggest anything as he's afraid of losing you should you not feel as he does. His flirting, apparently only while drunk, well, his inhibitions are lowered and they MAY be his real feelings for you.....

I suggest sitting him down and having an actual conversation about this, no pressure, just in case those drunken moments are not actually his true feelings but moments of just needing sex from anyone (an issue that will come back to bite you both if acted on between the two of you). Make sure you're both on the same page, whether to remain just friends or try for something more, and just enjoy.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

Tell him how you feel and then go from there. If he doesn't want anything more then tell him to stop sending you racy photos because that part sounds like he is stringing you along.

From there if he doesn't want anything more than friends and the same type of stuff is still going on then I would just stop contacting him altogether.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Just be honest with him if he cannot be more than friends then you either swallow your pride and accept it. Or you move on. This is sad this guy seems like a jerk to be honest. He seems to like the fact you like him and he gets off on it. But if you stay around I fear you are going to torture yourself by getting jealous when he meets someone else he really likes. Shonda Rhimes has a famous quote "when someone shows you who they really are believe them". This guy has showed you disrespect he has made it clear he is not really into you. Believe his actions not his words.

 

[RaKroma]

I agree with Willie. He definitely values your friendship and may have stronger feelings for you but is afraid that a hookup might destroy everything. Have a talk with him and settle all the mixed signals from him. But even if you guys don't hit if off romantically, I wouldn't let go of a friendship over it. It's cool that you 2 managed to form a friendship meeting online.

 

[frankfrank]

And, if it becomes clear that he wants pure friendship without benefits, and considering that

we have become pretty much best friends

and he considers you like a brother, I would GLADLY accept that at face value if I was in the same situation. That kind of relationship is rarer than one that involves occasional or frequent good sex. If you both cherish your friendship as it appears you both do, I guess it's your call whether you're able to deal with the sexual frustration that is also inherent with the friendship.

It sounds like something which may indeed be precious and, if so, I hope you don't walk away from it.

 

[KaraBulut]

He sounds like he would be a good friend and a not-so-good boyfriend. You can tell him how you feel but you might want to give some thought to what kind of boyfriend he would make... a guy on the rebound who doesn't seem to have the presence of mind to ask you what you want and who has to be drunk to get in touch with his feelings....

 

[Seasoned]

This seems to be one of those relationships where one person is looking for a friend and the other would like it to involve romance.

 

[mrdapper]

So....I told him, tonight. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. Basically what happened is that he had a huge crush on me, but since I'd just recently come out, he felt as though he needed to allow me to experience things. So, he didn't tell me. Because he never told me, I started dating around and got serious with this one guy for a couple months. During that time, my friend figured that meant I didn't have a romantic interest in him so he started dating and met a guy. Things didn't work out with me and my guy, but my friend became really interested in the guy he met. So what he told me is that he cares about me deeply, but at this time it's probably best if we remain as friends. It may change, but for now, friends. I'm not really sure how to feel. I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest and to know that he cares about me and at some point, the feelings were mutual. However, sort of heartbroken. And now I feel like he won't tell me as much as he normally would, like about relationship type things, as friends do, because he'll think it'll hurt me. I want to feel like I did the right thing, but kind of wondering if I shouldn't have just kept it to myself because I'm afraid of things being awkward now. :/

 

[Seasoned]

There's never anything wrong with doing what you think best. The emphasis is on the word think. You didn't act on impulse; you thought about it. Don't waste time or energy on regrets. Everything we do, or, sometimes, don't do has a cause and effect. We have the opportunity to learn something from the consequences. You can't change the past and the future is unknown. Your friendship will survive. Remember, we all have different friends for different reasons. You can still be good friends even if he doesn't discuss his relationship with you.

 

[TX-Beau]

So....I told him, tonight. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. Basically what happened is that he had a huge crush on me, but since I'd just recently come out, he felt as though he needed to allow me to experience things. So, he didn't tell me. Because he never told me, I started dating around and got serious with this one guy for a couple months. During that time, my friend figured that meant I didn't have a romantic interest in him so he started dating and met a guy. Things didn't work out with me and my guy, but my friend became really interested in the guy he met. So what he told me is that he cares about me deeply, but at this time it's probably best if we remain as friends. It may change, but for now, friends. I'm not really sure how to feel. I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest and to know that he cares about me and at some point, the feelings were mutual. However, sort of heartbroken. And now I feel like he won't tell me as much as he normally would, like about relationship type things, as friends do, because he'll think it'll hurt me. I want to feel like I did the right thing, but kind of wondering if I shouldn't have just kept it to myself because I'm afraid of things being awkward now. :/

Forget what hes saying, pay attention to what he's doing.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest and to know that he cares about me and at some point, the feelings were mutual. However, sort of heartbroken. And now I feel like he won't tell me as much as he normally would, like about relationship type things, as friends do, because he'll think it'll hurt me. I want to feel like I did the right thing, but kind of wondering if I shouldn't have just kept it to myself because I'm afraid of things being awkward now. :/

Too late for second thoughts now.

Ok, so you were honest about your feelings. It didn't turn out the way that you wanted.

But if you came out of this uncertain whether your friendship will change, it's up to you to speak up and say that you don't want your friendship to change. That may be out of your control in the end, but sometimes putting it out there makes it clear that you don't intend to interfere in his relationship and that the friendship with him is important to you.

 

[LutheranGuy]

he's sent me some pretty racy photos while drunk.

If his feelings are the same, things will heat up when he is sober. I would let him make a move since he is still out of an LTR.

Take care.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

No, he's referring to having sex with a brother as "gross". However, like I said, it could be a way to deflect. Also, how is he using me? By being a great friend? I'm confused by this response.

He's using you by sending you racy photos to lead you on when he has no interest in pursuing anything.