Friends after Sex

[hilltop08]

In the past year I have been sexually and romantically involved with one of my friends, even though he's maintained the idea that he's straight. This relationship started out roughly last September and as the sex part of our relationship has been over since May when he started going to church and getting very involved in his religion, the romantic feelings for each other got stronger, as did our friendship.

During our summer off from school we would talk to each other everyday through text, phone calls and a few weekend visits. Our talks would sometimes get as deep as talking about our future's together one night and the next night him dismissing it all saying he was too tired and not knowing what he was saying, again claiming he is straight and could never be with a guy.

We decided that it would be cool to be roommates for the upcoming semester. The first night we were both in the room together we ended up sleeping in the same bed together, even thought there were 2 in the room. Since then, which was in late August, we've slept together a few times and cuddled with each other almost every night. We again have talked about our future together and even having kids together. But him changing up the story the next day saying he can't be with a man cause it would break his parent's hearts.

Now more than ever he's been more involved in a christian organization on campus, a few days ago we had a talk about him really enjoying this organization and how it's changing his life, and he tells me that our friendship means the world to him but his religion is keeping him from being more than friends with me.

I was just wondering if you think it is possible to be friends after everything that we've went through and his basically shooting down our feelings for each other for his religion. Would our room still be a friendly atmosphere while one of is potentially dates another person?

***Sorry it's so long. Thanks for all your feedback!!!****

 

[iiiset]

Never apologize for a long post! People who don't like reading can click the back button of their own volition.

It's always sad to see and hear about cases like this. First, some comments on the guy. He sounds really nice, grounded, and compatible with you. I'm telling the sad truth to say it could be a good long time before you find another one like that. He's also almost certainly right to estimate that coming out would break his parents' hearts. My mother is nominally "accepting" of me and when I came out, it broke her heart, I can tell. We haven't spoken again of it to this day, and she's never really been the same person. Don't blame the church. People seek out the religious experience they want, and even if you think this church is wielding an unhealthy influence on him, I don't think there's a way to change his mind that won't probably backfire.

So what I'd advise you is to make up your mind about how much you want him and how much you care about him. Nobody can fault you for giving up, walking away, and finding someone else.

You have two choices if you decide you're finished with his cowardly nonsense: 1. find somewhere else to live, tell him to go fuck himself and move out. 2. stay friends, stay roommates as long as that's working out, but stop him from getting all cuddly ever again. Find someone else to sleep with and be clear with him, you needed to move on.

If you decide you're not willing to give up just yet, I also see two choices, the angel and the demon. The angel approach: keep things going as they are. Cuddle if he's interested. Talk about how much you like him and how you imagine you could be part of each other's futures, in a non-threatening, open way. Be faithful to him for no reason at all. Be the best friend you can be and hope he eventually realizes he is throwing away a golden opportunity to be with someone he really likes and who truly cares about him. The demon option: try to make him jealous. Sleep with other people, all the while making it clear he's who you really want. Snipe at the hypocrisy of what is taught in his church. Even consider outing him to decrease his stake in keeping it a secret.

No guarantee any of the four courses charted above will work as intended. You're in a real pickle. I believe you will emerge in one piece, but I doubt it's going to be pretty.

 

[strack800]

here's how i look at it... you need to protect yourself in this. and he's very obviously unsure of what he wants right now. maybe the best thing is for you to just say to him that it needs to end. it'll help to give you closure, define things between you, and allow him to decide what he wants to do with his life. that said, it's harder said than done, and i know there's feelings involved, and stick since you're roommates.

the other option is to sit down and have one of those talks with him, but about religion. i don't know your views on religion, but the one thing you definitely shouldn't do is be a dismissive douche bag about it... but really you ought to discuss with him. in my point of view, as a jew (and to christians), it is defined as a sin to be homosexual. however there's two ways to look at it and not limit yourself. one the one hand, the bible might not be a literal document. depending on his level of conservatism, he may see the stories as interpretations. more likely however, he needs to look at it like this: everyone has flaws. everyone is a sinner, in one sense or another. we all lie, we all get jealous, it happens. if his biggest sin is being gay, and not that he's a murderer or cheater or giant liar, then that's that. if your biggest sin in life is loving another man, having a family, and living a regular life, then what's the harm? god is loving and forgiving and somehow i doubt that any god would punish a man for such madness.

 

[KaraBulut]

I was just wondering if you think it is possible to be friends after everything that we've went through and his basically shooting down our feelings for each other for his religion. Would our room still be a friendly atmosphere while one of is potentially dates another person?

The answer to your question is "yes, it is possible".

But the issue is this: this guy is putting everything else in his life before you. His parents are more important than you. His religion is more important to you. His desperation to be straight is more important that you. There's no doubt that he has romantic feelings for you but you're not the priority. And under the current circumstances, you will never be the priority.

On your side of the equation, it would be wrong for you to say, "You must put me before your parents and before your religion and before your desire to be straight". There's little point in you forcing him to be something that he doesn't want to be. That's just going to lead to anger directed toward you. He has to want to be gay and in a relationship with another man and he has to be willing to put the relationship with you in a much higher priority.

It's a no-win situation for both of you.

Probably the best thing for both of you is to end the pretense of living together, sleeping together and being a couple in every way except the ways that matter. This means that you need to move out and get your own place. This means that he can't sleep with you or have sex with you unless he's willing to get real about exactly what the nature of your relationship is. And it means that until he can express love for you- emotionally and sexually- without having post-orgasmic remorse, then there cannot be any more romantic or sexual relationship with you.

And it's time for you to move on. There's a world of guys out there who are adults who have accepted that they are gay and want someone in their life. Go find one.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, this guy doesn’t sound grounded at all, he sounds conflicted – and yes it’s possible to remain “friends,” with him; the real question is whether that’s healthy? We used to call that Baptist post fuck freak out. You’d be surprised how common that is in religious guys. Plus it’s an incredibly shitty thing to so – he got off, and now you’re sin that must be tossed aside.

Are you going to be able to be friends, living with him, sleeping with him, all the while dating other guys? No, you’re not. I suspect that you’re grasping at whatever you can get from him regardless of what’s best for you.

You can’t fix this. The reason you can’t fix this is because you are what he’s running away from, you and everything you represent. It would be nice to believe that love conquers all, but it doesn’t.

It’s time for you to be as selfish as he is, living with him in that fashion is just torture for you, and waiting in the wings for him to deal with his closet issues wastes your life.

So, yes you can be friends with him, from a distance, while you work on your own life. No that’s not going to be easy, but you can’t fix him. He’s not even trying to fix himself, he doesn’t want to be a gay man, and what right does he have to expect that you live like that?

Guys speak louder with what they do than what they say, and this one is telling you that you are unacceptable as a partner, no matter how nice it feels to cuddle with you. Which I might point out is fucking with you, because he can’t make up his own damn mind.

 

[saymyname]

It sounds like he is being brainwashed by homophobic Christianity and is also denying his feelings for you based on concern for his parents... which is totally fucked up and you shouldn't have to deal with that. He should get help accepting his sexuality.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Actions speak louder than words OP and I know this will be hard but you've got to take care of yourself. I went through a situation over a year ago and I got involved with a friend. I slept with him we went out but it just didn't work. The guy was from a very religious family and from a different culture. In the end I realized we weren't meant to be together. Also, I did not want to be with a man that is closeted that's not happiness and that's not love.

You need to love yourself OP and find a man that is openly gay and that will love you back. You deserve it!

 

[Eagle653]

Yeah, this guy doesn’t sound grounded at all, he sounds conflicted – and yes it’s possible to remain “friends,” with him; the real question is whether that’s healthy? We used to call that Baptist post fuck freak out. You’d be surprised how common that is in religious guys. Plus it’s an incredibly shitty thing to so – he got off, and now you’re sin that must be tossed aside.

My thoughts exactly--especially the bolded part. You really need to answer this for yourself. He sounds conflicted. You know as well as we do that he's gay and in denial and probably ashamed of it. In spite of that, can he change? Do you want him to? Do his attributes outweigh this baggage he's carrying? Only you can answer this, but please think about it. Unless you can see some changes, or adjust to the way he is, you'll be hearbroken.

Good luck. I know this is quite a dilemma.

 

[Ninja108]

Like several others have said, as painful as it may be, you should cut this relationship off for your own good.
Don't let yourself be used for sex by someone who is battling with his own issues. More to the point, he already has made it clear where he stands on starting a relationship. His religious beliefs and family will trump his true nature.
Remember the good times, but move on for your own wellbeing.

 

[hilltop08]

Hey guys!! Thanks for responding. Sorry it's been a few days, been doing a lot of school and went home this weekend.

It's nice to hear what other people think instead of the usual people that I talk too about this. I have only told 2 friends about what has happened between my friend and I. I take input that I get on here and also input that I get from them analyze the situation that way.

@iiiset, we are very much compatible with each other, we have very similar interest and just overall enjoy spending time together. I have yet to find another person that I have so much in common with, and it just sucks that our friendship is built around us having sexual feelings toward each other and noticing the commonalities afterward. He seems so guaranteed that his coming out would hurt his parents so much which is the same thing I feel about telling my parents. I think he also feels that with his sister coming out to their parents, she's a lesbian, that he has to be the one make his parents happy. They didn't take well to having a homosexual daughter, she was attending a christian college and they made her to one closer to home that wasn't religious. He also feels that he has to give his mom grandchildren, and the only way to do that is by getting married to a woman. Since we do live in a dorm together it nearly impossible to move out of our room at this point in time(due to no other rooms being available right now), but I do agree that things have to change between us such as not more cuddling and sleeping together.

@strack800, I agree that first I need to protect myself, things do need to be defined more between us, which has been tried in the past on occasions but being ignored either by him or I at times leading to dismissal of the boundary. I guess I just to to be more firm in how I handle it now. We've discussed religion in the past, I really don't enjoy about talking about just cause I have a different picture of what Jesus thinks and expects of us compared to what other people, especially my friend, think.

@KaraBulut, I do agree that he has put everything else ahead of he, along with everything you've mentioned there's even more stuff that has come before me, such as his job with an athletic team on campus. It's kind of impossible to move out right now, but I do agree that other things need to change.

@TX-Beau, I hope our relationship can get better with the distance during our winter break from classes.

@saymyname, I use to think the same thing, which is why I don't talk to him about religion. We just have different views on it.

@MorrisseyX, I'm sorry you had to go through this also. But i do agree that I need to find someone that can love me open and honestly. It's just hard to 1)find someone I have things in common with and 2) get over the current situation I'm in.

@Eagle653, thank you so much for the questions to think about. I ask myself all of the time do I ever think he will change and come around and accept himself, at times I think yes and He's becoming more comfortable with himself, but other times I feel that it'll never happen because so much of his life is centered around the idea of people thinking he's straight and his life will drastically change if his sexuality where something else. I only want him to change if it makes him happy and it's what he wants to do, he just seems so much happier when we are together, not that he seems depressed when we aren't, it's just like when we're around each other we can let our guard down and be our true selves, so if him changing or staying the same means that he's happier than I'm all for it.

 

[Ninja108]

Hey guys!! Thanks for responding. Sorry it's been a few days, been doing a lot of school and went home this weekend.

It's nice to hear what other people think instead of the usual people that I talk too about this. I have only told 2 friends about what has happened between my friend and I. I take input that I get on here and also input that I get from them analyze the situation that way.

@iiiset, we are very much compatible with each other, we have very similar interest and just overall enjoy spending time together. I have yet to find another person that I have so much in common with, and it just sucks that our friendship is built around us having sexual feelings toward each other and noticing the commonalities afterward. He seems so guaranteed that his coming out would hurt his parents so much which is the same thing I feel about telling my parents. I think he also feels that with his sister coming out to their parents, she's a lesbian, that he has to be the one make his parents happy. They didn't take well to having a homosexual daughter, she was attending a christian college and they made her to one closer to home that wasn't religious. He also feels that he has to give his mom grandchildren, and the only way to do that is by getting married to a woman. Since we do live in a dorm together it nearly impossible to move out of our room at this point in time(due to no other rooms being available right now), but I do agree that things have to change between us such as not more cuddling and sleeping together.

I have to say this in regards to his parents. It's not his job to make them happy. He has a life of his own. More to the point, it is wrong and selfish for him to commit to a woman for this purpose when he truly has no feelings for her. I known a couple of people where that scenario has happened and read or heard about several more. It never ends well.
I would say this, only time will tell if you two can remain friends but relationship wise he has made it clear that his parents wishes will trump his own feelings..or yours.

 

[hilltop08]

So for the past couple days earlier last week I had been feeling not like myself, a lot due to the situation that my friend and I are in. He noticed that something was different and we talked about everything that was bothering me. We talked about why he decided to get so involved in his religion literally the day after we attempted to have sex (he wasn't comfortable taking it so we stopped), about why we did it so many times and what motivated him to do it if he wasn't attracted to guys and if there were ever any feelings on his part. He gave answers that I pretty much thought he would, he said that him becoming a Christian had nothing to do with anything we had done, we did it so many times caused he just wanted to prove that him doing gay things wouldn't effect his straightness, and that there were never feelings on his behalf, it was all just for fun.

At the time it was just nice to have some of my questions answered. But as I talked to my other friends that are familiar with our situation they also got me thinking. There are just way more indications that there are feelings on both part, him trying to make me jealous by talking about all the girls that want him him getting jealous when metion anything about this girl that I like or any guys that have or do show interest in me. So many different signs point to lasting feelings.

But I would say the big saving grace here would be the fact that I notice that he will never be comfortable accepting himself and I'm waisting time trying waiting for something that won't happen.

 

[KaraBulut]

...he will never be comfortable accepting himself and I'm waisting time trying waiting for something that won't happen.

^^ QFT

If you need to print this out and put it on your mirror so that you can read it every morning and every night when you brush your teeth, do it.

If you need to make it your screen saver, do it.

If you need to make a refrigerator magnet out of it, do it.

Life is too short. Your friend has chosen to live a life of denial of reality.

Don't make the same mistake.

 

[Lube]

What Kara said.

Denial is an ugly place to be. He may come out of it someday, but it may take a month, it may take a decade or two. Move on, with your heart intact.

 

[theplayerking]

This has nothing to do with friendship and sex. The real questions is: Can you be friends with someone who is in denial and lying to himself? A related question is: Do you really want to be just friends or are you hanging around hoping it'll become a relationship?

I've had numerous fuck buddies who have become close friends after the sex ended. I think men are particularly adept at separating sex and friendship. However, I value friends who are honest and self-aware and would have a hard time with someone in his situation.

I think "friend" is one of the most abused words in the language. Reading your posts closely ("more indications that there are feelings on both part" and "trying to make me jealous"), you're using "friend" to mean "potential boyfriend," which is a completely different thing. You will never gain clarity until you define what you want. If you say you want him to be a "friend" while really wanting a relationship, you're in as much denial as he is (although of a different sort).

 

[Just_Believe18]

Karabulut is absolutely correct, and you should follow his advice to the letter.

 

[HunterM]

Start seeing other people for your own sake and not with the intention of making him jealous. Then move out to give both of you space. Maybe not this semester...but start the planning process for the next semester.

He needs to walk his journey alone. Clearly, you two are NOT compatible at this point. He might discover that he's wrong later...give him the space to do that himself. You need to let go and focus your energy on someone else. See what other wonderful options are out there for you.

As long as you two continue to live together, the "what if I can change him" feeling will always linger. You two will continue to cuddle. It's not that hard to give into temptations. It's there and convenient. You would not be able to move on and heal yourself emotionally.

Good luck!

 

[Ninja108]

100% with what others have said. For your own well being, you need to move out and start fresh on your own.
He's made it clear that he's willing to live a lie, it's futile to try and change that.

 

[pojostick]

What he needs is a friend so be that if you wish. But don't make things more complicated than that. Keep your distance, but don't slam a door in his face. It's not an easy position for anyone to be in.

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks guys!!

After reading what everyone has said we sat down to discuss our living situation for next year. We both agreed that it's best if we don't get an apartment together. We vowed to remain friends but this will help insure that those relationship feelings are broken.

So all we have left to do is finish out next semester being roommates.

Thanks for everything guys and helping me see what I needed to do. I'll update if anything changes.