Friends after Sex

[hilltop08]

So since the last time I gave an update things seemed like they were getting better between us, we had a couple weeks apart and we even took a trip to a neighboring state together. It seemed like our friendship was getting better.

The semester started again and things were still looking good between us, we were communicating really well together.

But over the past few days we've just been at each others throats. We argue about the stupidest things. He tries to make me jealous by telling me when he's going out with a girl. And all of the fighting and arguing has really gotten to me, he's made me the maddest I've been in a while, and that's not a healthy environment for me to keep living in for the rest of the semester.

So I've decided to change rooms. Hopefully my request is granted and I'll be able to move out soon.

 

[bankside]

He's an ass. I don't totally blame him: when a so-called religion comes between family members or people who have a life together, or people thinking of starting a life together, we call that a cult.

So yeah, he's been brainwashed, and maybe you should google "deprogramming" or something, but as much as he is the victim of brainwashing, he's also done it to himself. You don't have to stick around while he drags you down.

I've always thought the best option if love doesn't work out is not "friends." It's "strangers."

 

[altlover85]

So I've decided to change rooms. Hopefully my request is granted and I'll be able to move out soon.

This is a good lesson for other people. Even though you have time apart, once you start living together the same issues can come back.

I'm glad you were able to realize that living with him was not healthy.

Good luck with everything!

I've always thought the best option if love doesn't work out is not "friends." It's "strangers."

Right, but from you've written on this forum you've only been in one serious relationship with another guy (your current relationship), so you really don't have first hand experience as to what a breakup is like.

 

[HunterM]

Jealousy is your own projection. We do not have control over what other people think, say or do. However, we DO have control over our own reactions to the situation. Just as we do not have control over the weather when it rains, we do have control to stay in or use an umbrella or raincoat when going out if we don't want to get wet. Right? Learn this and it will save you a lot of heartaches in the future. You can get all pissed off everytime it rains as if mother nature is intentionally making your life miserable. Do you think that will stop the rain in the future? No.

It's normal to talk to close friends about dating and sex. I do that all the time with my close friends (and friends with benefits). You both agreed that your sexual relationship is over. Would it make a difference if he's dating a guy and not a girl? Would you react differently?

The issue is not he's dating a girl now as opposed to dating a guy. The issue is you have not let him go emotionally. Thus, jealousy rears its ugly head. He has clearly moved on, and you haven't let him go. So you need to move on and be happy for him as a good friend would. If you were dating another guy right now and having fun, I bet you wouldn't feel jealous. I bet you two would share dating experiences to each other like a good buddy would.

Jealousy is like taking poison yourself and expect other people to get sick.

 

[rareboy]

In the past year I have been sexually and romantically involved with one of my friends, even though he's maintained the idea that he's straight. This relationship started out roughly last September and as the sex part of our relationship has been over since May when he started going to church and getting very involved in his religion, the romantic feelings for each other got stronger, as did our friendship.

During our summer off from school we would talk to each other everyday through text, phone calls and a few weekend visits. Our talks would sometimes get as deep as talking about our future's together one night and the next night him dismissing it all saying he was too tired and not knowing what he was saying, again claiming he is straight and could never be with a guy.

We decided that it would be cool to be roommates for the upcoming semester. The first night we were both in the room together we ended up sleeping in the same bed together, even thought there were 2 in the room. Since then, which was in late August, we've slept together a few times and cuddled with each other almost every night. We again have talked about our future together and even having kids together. But him changing up the story the next day saying he can't be with a man cause it would break his parent's hearts.

Now more than ever he's been more involved in a christian organization on campus, a few days ago we had a talk about him really enjoying this organization and how it's changing his life, and he tells me that our friendship means the world to him but his religion is keeping him from being more than friends with me.

I was just wondering if you think it is possible to be friends after everything that we've went through and his basically shooting down our feelings for each other for his religion. Would our room still be a friendly atmosphere while one of is potentially dates another person?

***Sorry it's so long. Thanks for all your feedback!!!****

At this point, he's all fucked up on St. Paul and you don't stand a chance.

I think you need to reconsider the roommate thing.

He's carrying around a pretty heavy load of bibles and he's only going to weigh you down too.

He's queer as a three dollar bill but desperately trying to pray away the gay. He's going to make everyone he comes in contact with unhappy.

Don't let him do this to you.

And don't think you can win.

 

[hilltop08]

He's an ass. I don't totally blame him: when a so-called religion comes between family members or people who have a life together, or people thinking of starting a life together, we call that a cult.

So yeah, he's been brainwashed, and maybe you should google "deprogramming" or something, but as much as he is the victim of brainwashing, he's also done it to himself. You don't have to stick around while he drags you down.

I've always thought the best option if love doesn't work out is not "friends." It's "strangers."

I do believe his religion is partly to blame for him not accepting who he is along with his parents and our society. We are constantly being told that heterosexuality is the only option to live a healthy option and if you chose something else than you are different, and "we" don't like different.

But ultimately he does deserve some blame here too. There comes a point in life where you have to "sack up" and live your life.

This is a good lesson for other people. Even though you have time apart, once you start living together the same issues can come back.

I'm glad you were able to realize that living with him was not healthy.

Good luck with everything!

Thank you!!

Jealousy is your own projection. We do not have control over what other people think, say or do. However, we DO have control over our own reactions to the situation. Just as we do not have control over the weather when it rains, we do have control to stay in or use an umbrella or raincoat when going out if we don't want to get wet. Right? Learn this and it will save you a lot of heartaches in the future. You can get all pissed off everytime it rains as if mother nature is intentionally making your life miserable. Do you think that will stop the rain in the future? No.

It's normal to talk to close friends about dating and sex. I do that all the time with my close friends (and friends with benefits). You both agreed that your sexual relationship is over. Would it make a difference if he's dating a guy and not a girl? Would you react differently?

The issue is not he's dating a girl now as opposed to dating a guy. The issue is you have not let him go emotionally. Thus, jealousy rears its ugly head. He has clearly moved on, and you haven't let him go. So you need to move on and be happy for him as a good friend would. If you were dating another guy right now and having fun, I bet you wouldn't feel jealous. I bet you two would share dating experiences to each other like a good buddy would.

Jealousy is like taking poison yourself and expect other people to get sick.

While I do believe that it is normal between friends to talk about dating and sex, this friendship isn't a normal friendship. There have been decisions that took this friendship from a normal friendship to something more, and I believe that it's much harder to go back to a normal friendship after having feelings for someone. It would be a lot easier to deal with everything if in-fact the sexual relationship truly was over, but its not, not saying that he is to blame for that I also made choices to continue to do it.

And there is jealously on both parts, back at the beginning of the semester when we both thought we could talk to each other our dating lives, he got just as angry and upset when I talked about different people that I liked and wanted to date as I got when he talked about it, so we agreed that we just wouldn't bring it up anymore. And the only time he does bring it up is when we are fighting about something, because he knows it bothers me hearing about his ex's and all of the stuff they did together.

Now if I truly believed that he only liked girls I wouldn't have a problem talking to him about dating or stuff, well maybe I would but I would but I would know that there's not an alternative with him, but I just get the feeling that he's neglecting this part of his life because it's easier just to not deal with it, or to only accept it when we're alone together.

At this point, he's all fucked up on St. Paul and you don't stand a chance.

I think you need to reconsider the roommate thing.

He's carrying around a pretty heavy load of bibles and he's only going to weigh you down too.

He's queer as a three dollar bill but desperately trying to pray away the gay. He's going to make everyone he comes in contact with unhappy.

Don't let him do this to you.

And don't think you can win.

I'm hoping the room change will come soon.

I know just out of our little group of like 7 people at college, we dread when he comes around cause we know all he's gonna do is preach to us.

And most of them already either suspect or know that something has happened between us so they also just have a hard time pretending like it doesn't bother them that he won't accept that part of his life.

And praying the gay away does not help at all!! I've tried many times, a lesbian friend of mine also has tried, and it just doesn't work, you can't pray away a blessing. And now she's happily engaged to the girl of her dreams. One day he'll realize this is part of him.

 

[NYChuBear79]

I was just wondering if you think it is possible to be friends after everything that we've went through and his basically shooting down our feelings for each other for his religion. Would our room still be a friendly atmosphere while one of is potentially dates another person?

If you're able to continue a friendship with him without seeing him as something more, then do so. If you can't, and he's unable to compromise because of his religion, then it may be time to move on.

 

[KaraBulut]

They say that time and space heals all wounds. Certainly a little space between the two of you would stop the re-opening of what are fairly fresh wounds.

Your friend has made a choice. And you have your choices to make too. And a new roommate and a new start are good chocies for you at this time.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[tipmyscales86]

I think one of the big problems with religion is that a lot of people blindly follow the religion that their parents raise them with.

Few people take the time to figure what they truly believe inside, or they dismiss their true beliefs because it goes against a religion they had no choice being apart of. These people spend their whole lives trying to please others, such as parents or a God, and over time build resentment from the lack of pleasing themselves.

I can relate to your friend. I was brought up Catholic, and in my teen years, it made me feel guilty that I was attracted to guys. I had the pressure from the family of carrying on the blood line, since I'm the only male left with the family name. My sister is also a lesbian, like your friend's sister. She came out before I did and they supported her, but I didn't come out until later cause my dad would make comments like "well, it's cool that she's gay cause she's a girl but I think it's pretty weird when it's guys." I took the time that I needed and during that time, I figured a few things out...

- that Catholicism was bullshit to me
- that I liked guys and that wasn't going to change
- that I was going to live the way I wanted to live, not how anyone else wants me to live
- that the idea of kids someday was something I wanted, and that it could still happen even if I was with a guy

I came out and made it clear that this is who I was and that nobody would change that, and it was pretty funny how quickly my dad and a few others changed their tune. If this guy has a lesbian sister, why the hell hasn't he talked to her about this? I'm sure his sister would be thrilled to know that she isn't alone in the family, and it would make any potential battles with the parents easier as a team.

We are constantly being told that heterosexuality is the only option to live a healthy option and if you chose something else than you are different, and "we" don't like different.

I used to have the same fear, the fear of being "different." The word "different" is often associated with troubled kids, sociopaths, or people that are not normal. I stopped looking at it as being different, and started looking at it as being "unique." Similar in meaning, but carries a more positive connotation. Then when I started hanging out with other gay people, I knew I found my place, and that around them I wasn't different or even unique at all.

 

[Ninja108]

You are doing the right thing in moving out. It's obvious his self-loathing due to his religious upbringing isn't going away anytime soon.
And neither is the jealously that you two are dealing with. The memories are too fresh. Move out and make a fresh start.
As for him, sad to say but he's made his choice to live a lie, he has to deal with it.

 

[altlover85]

I came out and made it clear that this is who I was and that nobody would change that, and it was pretty funny how quickly my dad and a few others changed their tune. If this guy has a lesbian sister, why the hell hasn't he talked to her about this? I'm sure his sister would be thrilled to know that she isn't alone in the family, and it would make any potential battles with the parents easier as a team.

Great advice, especially the part about the sister!

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks guys!!

After requesting the room change and sitting down and talking with him I felt so bad, it felt like I was almost giving up on our friendship. But soon after I realized that in fact this would be saving what is left of our friendship, since we became roommates our ability to communicate has declined as well as our enjoyment together. So time apart is a good thing!!

 

[hilltop08]

I came out and made it clear that this is who I was and that nobody would change that, and it was pretty funny how quickly my dad and a few others changed their tune. If this guy has a lesbian sister, why the hell hasn't he talked to her about this? I'm sure his sister would be thrilled to know that she isn't alone in the family, and it would make any potential battles with the parents easier as a team.

Well I know that since his sister told their parents he has been one of the people putting her down for her decision.

He's just not comfortable with accepting himself, family, or friends being gay because it's not the way "God intended it to be."

 

[Ninja108]

Well I know that since his sister told their parents he has been one of the people putting her down for her decision.

He's just not comfortable with accepting himself, family, or friends being gay because it's not the way "God intended it to be."

ANd that would lead to a hellish, sad and lonely life for him. It's clear his sister is miles ahead of where he needs to be...or will ever be.

 

[hilltop08]

ANd that would lead to a hellish, sad and lonely life for him. It's clear his sister is miles ahead of where he needs to be...or will ever be.

Personally I don't think he will ever be to the point his sister is. Sad but true, and knowing his family and how they view gays, yes even knowing about his sister and how they perceive gay guys to be and act, I don't think he'll ever risk not being close to his family.

As for the update-of-sorts that I wanted to give. We are still roommates, haven't heard anything about the room change either. We've made sure to give each other plenty of space and time away from each other. We don't sleep together anymore, which is a good thing. But there were 2 separate days where things happened between us in the past couple of weeks. The first time it happened it was a few hours before he went to church, after we were finished he left and texted me "thanks for making me feel bad cause now I have to go to church knowing what just happened lol", which kinda made me feel bad but he chose to start things so I didn't feel too bad.

The second time was very identical to the first time in the way things started out, we went a little further this time though, after we went to sleep, separately. While we were trying to fall asleep he apologized for what happened, I told him I'm as much to blame as he is, and he said that I have no blame because he's the straight one and he shouldn't let those things happen. We left the conversation at that.

We're on break now so we haven't seen each other for almost a week. Hopefully when we get back I'll either hear back about the room change or we continue to being friendly towards each other.

 

[Seasoned]

It's all a bit of a dance, isn't it? He is desperate to be straight and even refers to himself that way after being sexual with you. I know it will be difficult to turn him down, but that's what I'd advise you to do. None of the sexual tension is doing either of you any good. It's really time for you to find something of mutual benefit. You might begin by telling him you decided you can only play with bi or gay guys.

 

[hilltop08]

It's all a bit of a dance, isn't it? He is desperate to be straight and even refers to himself that way after being sexual with you. I know it will be difficult to turn him down, but that's what I'd advise you to do. None of the sexual tension is doing either of you any good. It's really time for you to find something of mutual benefit. You might begin by telling him you decided you can only play with bi or gay guys.

Very much so like a dance lol, and I'm tried of dancing. We talked over the break and he made a reference to doing "something" when we both got back, but in a joking manner. But I shot him down, told him I couldn't keep doing things like that with him. He asked a few times why we couldn't do it anymore and I told him cause I didn't want to anymore. After a few times of him wanting more of an explanation and me not giving one he said he was only joking anyway.

 

[hilltop08]

I was also gonna say...

I go back to school today and he probably will also so we'll see how things are.

 

[hilltop08]

Well after a couple weeks together, and countless trips talking to different people about changing rooms things still haven't changed, I'm still in the same room. And things aren't getting better between my roommate and I. There's like this mutual feeling in the room that neither of us want to be here together, so we ignore each other, then when he tries to make conversation it's usually making a joke about black people(I'm black, he's white) or gay people, or something I like and he doesn't and he get's angry when I don't respond to him. Then we end up arguing about something stupid and go to bed angry at each other, then wake up the next day and he acts like nothing even happened the night before. The only time it seems like we aren't fighting is when we're fooling around together or cuddling with each other, and since that doesn't happen anymore we basically never get along. I don't know how to handle the situation, since changing rooms clearly isn't an option anymore.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ This is not going to end well. You need to take the lid off the pressure cooker it's going to boil over into a meltdown. You need to consider other options. Go to your campus administration and request a change, not just asking students if they can switch with you. Let the administration know that you are having irreversible differences that results in constant fighting and you do not feel safe for both of you to be in such a domestic situation. You have to be up front and honest to get this solved. Don't just accept you have to live together when clearly neither of you want to continue seeing each other. It's not healthy.