Friends and Relationships - UPDATE

[elohim2010]

Original post is here.

So I was out with my boyfriend during the day running some errands, and as we were entering the store, we saw "Steve" about to check out. Long story short, "Steve" and I used to be close friends (like brothers, really) until he got a boyfriend and disappeared. I haven't seen "Steve" in over a year, and the last communication we had was by text about ten months ago.

So as me and the boyfriend are about to split the list to make shopping go quicker, my boyfriend calls out Steve's name. As he's about to walk out, he goes over and says hey to the boyfriend, and then comes over, shakes my hand (we were always the hugging type), and says "hey." I said "hey" back, and "Steve" quickly says, "I've got to go. I'm meeting "Andy." (Andy is his boyfriend he ditched everyone for). And Steve leaves.

Needless to say, I feel like that brief 15 second interaction clearly illustrated what happened to the friendship. I haven't seen him in over a year or talked in months, and he can't take five minutes to catch-up.....he's has to go quickly to "Andy." Don't get me wrong, you see someone in the store you haven't seen in a while, you might spend a little bit of time chatting, and you just text your significant other and say: "Sorry for taking so long, I saw so-and-so at the store and we talked for a few minutes." I don't know whether this surprised me or not, but never got any kind of text either from "Steve" saying "It was good to see you. We should get coffee soon and catch up or anything like that."

It seems to me that the friendship is over but I'd welcome thoughts, opinions, etc. Thanks!

 

[eastofeden]

It's normal.....

IMO.....

I am Steve...so are most of my male friends....all Steves

Me and my friend Gary joke about it..for years now. I won't see or hear from him in a year and he starts the apologies and I start laughing because I already knew he had a new girlfriend....not because anyone ever told me but because he is my best friend outside of my husband and I know when he falls in love I won't see him for awhile until he falls out of it....

It's cool...nothing has changed....we are still best friends...

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm standing by my previous advice in post #12 in the old thread.

If his relationship ends and he calls/texts looking for a supportive friend ("a friend in need..."), then you can make that decision. It seems that until he's single again, he's not going to any kind of friend to you.

 

[Seasoned]

People! It's a mistake to give up friendships because of a romantic relationship, in my opinion. My husband and I have been together for 34 years. We do most things together but we maintain friendships that don't always involve each other.

Sooner or latter all relationships end even if it's because of death. I think it's important to remain connected with friends.

 

[neditesjamais]

Long ago, I heard a valuable piece of advice: Never try to climb a wall that's leaning toward you or hold on to a person who's leaning away from you.

Is it time to let go of Steve and put time and effort on other relationships that aren't so confusing?

 

[mcbrion]

It's normal.....

IMO.....

I am Steve...so are most of my male friends....all Steves

Me and my friend Gary joke about it..for years now. I won't see or hear from him in a year and he starts the apologies and I start laughing because I already knew he had a new girlfriend....not because anyone ever told me but because he is my best friend outside of my husband and I know when he falls in love I won't see him for awhile until he falls out of it....

It's cool...nothing has changed....we are still best friends...

Actually, dropping a friend for a prospective mate might seem 'normal' to you, but tells the supposed 'best friend,' "You were just a stand-in until my REAL friend (aka 'girlfriend/boyfriend') came along. I'll get back to you when the 'euphoria' wears off. It signals immaturity that a guy -- or a woman -- can't sustain both relationships simultaneously. I wouldn't go patting myself on the back that
this is 'normal' because so may people do it. "People", especially in the US, can be pretty emotionally stunted about how to behave (and yes, there's an actual psychological insight about dropping a friend. And it is WAY harsh, whether it's a male or a female doing it).
The OP now knows more about his "friend's" nature. You might not throw the friend away, but this would be the same person who, if you got sick, and needed help? He wouldn't be there for you. Because, you know, friends are, like, totally, like...disposable. They'll be around when you get back. But it's a sign of really poor social skills growing up.
I'm sorry you're learning - in a slap-across-the-face-way about one of the less attractive traits of the male sex (American version). And yes, women do it, too. And it's called 'insecurity' when they do it, so lets call it 'callousness...and insecurity' when a guy does it. Men are trained to be less sensitive to matters involving friendship - and Love. If you know "Steve" and you've met his parents, you may be able to understand where he got that dismissive attitude. It's Whack. If you were Black(or Indian), and you did this to your best friend, he'd have every right to cuss you out. Different cultures view this behavior in different ways, but in Indian and Black culture, you'd be seen as a sleaze ball. Since those are my family cultures, I am, as the common colloquial goes, for those with less awareness, 'just sayin'...

 

[eastofeden]

^^^You are entitled to your perspective and opinion as is anyone....

I only INTENTIONALLY stay away from the friends that feel they have to insert themselves in my relationship...and I distance myself from anyone who bitches about their relationship as well...not my thing. I have not said a bad word about my man to anyone...over 30 years now...but for some reason...."friends" seem to want to give their opinions about things that are none of their business...friends who do NOT have relationships "know the most about them" and instead of me having to dodge them and tell them to fuck off...I avoid them.

I don't avoid everyone....just the people who live in a soap opera world. Soap opera worlds are amusing.....at a distance....

I am also a physical empath. I need ALOT of alone time in order to recharge. I know what that means but most people have no clue and I don't feel like educating them. I don't feel like telling people they are draining me...anyone who is a real friend of mine already knows this...I don't bother explaining this to acquaintances. I like being around self aware people who tell the truth. They are a blessing for me...I am never drained by them.

I don't expect anyone to understand this....it was hard enough for me to understand..so whatever narrative someone else needs to come up with is fine with me....because I am still going to be true to myself.

BTW...I would not be calling anyone if my relationship ended. I like my alone time...a lot. It is peaceful. As it is...I attract people to me way too easily and I wish I didn't.