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Friends at a distance

J

jayboy

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I have recently come out as gay to my bunch of straight friends after years of torment and hiding who I am.
They initially said that they are all happy for me and so accepting. Two friends have been really supportive and went out of their way to help and advise me.
I have hardly heard from the rest of them and we did discuss an initial catch up to celebrate my coming out, but this seems to have fallen flat. I keep posting messages on Facebook and sometimes they read them and don't reply, but over the past few days they haven't even read them.
They may be busy but should have the courtesy to let me know as I don't where I stand.
 
I think you should drop the expectations completely.

Celebrating the coming out might be a turn off...not because you are gay..but because it is an uncomfortable premise for a lot of people. I am 100% gay...and I would avoid anyone who was going to have a celebration for coming out...at least until they stopped talking about it and just stepped into their own life as who they are. I would rather celebrate the Winter Solstice..because there are no expectations.

The other thing...everyone has lives and they may or may not comment for one zillion different reasons. I notice on facebook that people go thorough phases. I don't usually read my feed for sometimes a week....and it isn't anything personal.
 
The best celebration with others is acceptance. You might need your own celebration because of the weight that was lifted. Your friends weren't privy to that struggle. There's sort of a catch-22 when coming out. Your friends have nothing to see that's different to them.
 
It sounds unusual to have a celebration for the coming out to be honest. In a perfect world we shouldn't even be talking about coming out as being gay is normal, but in the real world it's still something delicate and there is no need to add more emphasis by making announcements or parties in my opinion. I think your friends were happy when you told them already and they may be a bit turned off or uninterested in your posts.
 
It's too early to know which of your friends are the true friends.

Your relationship with some of your friends will change. It would change if you had married a woman or moved to a different country or had any major life event; that's the nature of friendships.

If your coming out proves to be a test of the mettle of your friendships, then you can either focus on the friends who prove to be real friends or you can focus on the ones who prove to be fair-weather friends.

So far, two of the friends have proven that they are your friend through thick and thin.
 
It's also good to remember that coming out is huge to you, but it's just a footnote to most straight people. They'll act all interested upfront, but the moment you walk away it becomes irrelevant to most of them.
 
Facebook isn't real life. Don't worry about if people have read things or not. You don't know what's going on in their life.
 
In the case that they aren't homophobic: I think it's important for people in this situation to feel as though nothing has really changed in your friendship. You likely feel the same. They may be happy for you. And it isn't your responsibility to make them comfortable with your sexuality. But if they're close friends, it can be difficult for them to realize they didn't know you as well as they thought. It's one thing to offer support and acceptance. It's another thing to turn it into an event. You should totally be celebrating it. And if other friends are game than have at it. But it might not be the best way for everyone to process your revelation.

Also, Facebook is inherently fickle. If you're friends and want to talk, call them.
 
Thanks all for the advice.
It turns out that I need not have worried about things as my other friends have been in touch since my coming out announcement and have been brilliant.
I was not really wanting a coming out party as such, I just wanted to meet up for a few drinks and a laugh. This will be happening soon!
One concern is that one of my oldest school friends has not even acknowledged me being gay despite several messages and the fact he has seen messages on Facebook for a month since I came out. I'm not going to stress about this though, but still a bit upset about it.
 
It's a possibility that someone will not like this fact unfortunately. See it as a way to understand who are the real friends :)
 
The people thart truly care and love you as a friend will always be there ignore the rest life is too short ! I have an older brother when I came out to my family for 5 1/2 years I never heard from him at all, now very little as far as I'm concerned he is done!
 
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