Friendship Advice...nothing more.

[screwnutty]

Okay. I know I'm stupid somedays and I know that I dont understand everything in my life. But I'm at a loss here with one of my friends.

This is going to be long.

I dont know what to do.....So i figured maybe you guys could give some advice.

I sent him this email after a Halo 3 match were he called the opposing team a bunch of faggots and homo's. I left the match and was so mad at him that I wrote this email to him. I've been dealing with his coldness towards our friendship for the last few years and i've had enough. However his return email is a little WTF?

Anyways here it is...my message and then his reply: I called him homophobic in the lobby room of the game and he said he was not.

******************************

I'm sorry. your not homophobic. You don't have to change for me. Never asked you too. Just asking you to be aware of your surroundings. What if Fancy Claps was gay huh? I have had Gay guys join our games.

Anyways I annoy the hell out of you and that's clearly can be seen since the message incident and the fact that the things you told Mat that night at the bar when you were drunk out of your tree. Add to the fact that I i havent heard from you since my birthday and you got your copy of halo 3. and charger.

So lets face it. I'm not friendship material for you. So why don't we just agree to stop this charade. I'm tired of treating you like a friend only to make you mad at me and your tired of me for various reasons that you outlined to Mat that night at the bar.

So lets just agree to stop being friends. You want it and I certainly want it now. You never really like the fact that I'm gay, the sexual comments i make or the fact that i talk about gay stuff and your forced to hear about them (ie mark comments). I'm tired of the fact that your so distant to me. That you dont understand me and that sometimes you like being and asshole to me just for fun (ie the i cant give blood night)

Now i have made arrangements with denny to get your board game you left here and for him to deliver it to you. In return i need my spare house keys back cause if anything happens to me i need them so that somebody can get in here and take care of stuff for me.

So this message has a 48 hour expire time. You can either right back and say hey i want to be friends still BUT reason or you can write back and say you agree. Failure to make any contact with the 48 hour time period ends with an automatic yes to you agree and the friendship is over.

Good luck to you and your new job Scott. Wish you the best in your future.

**********************************************

HIS REPLY:


Wow. Just wow. You still don't understand after all this time. Nice job giving me an ultimatum.

Ok well I'll start at the top, remember when it was Mat I told those things to and not you? Thats because they weren't important enough to bring to you. I don't remember everything that was said, but obviously he does. If you're going to hold that against me then by all means.

I keep telling you time and again that I don't have any friends on the level that you expect of me, but time and again you insist that it's just you, and I'm uncomfortable with your gayness. That's sort of true, but It's your fault for that, you've made lots of inappropriate comments about me in front of other people.

If you want to put words in my mouth like "I want to end the friendship", that's fine too. It isn't true, but only if you back off and give me the space I keep asking for. If you keep pushing me and coming after me like this, we're just going to keep starting over again. If you can't accept being casual friends, like all my other ones, then I'll drop your key off today. Stop being so fucking dramatic though.


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I'm sure i'm missing something since I'm wrapped up in this so hopefully you can give me some fresh opinions!

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't think a "fresh perspective" is needed here. Everything's there in black and white.

Lex

 

[8591paul]

Now thats just cold to give someone a time limit...But what catches my eye is one of your staments to him......."You never really like the fact that I'm gay, the sexual comments i make or the fact that i talk about gay stuff and your forced to hear about them (ie mark comments)."..If your friend is straight why make comments of a sexual nature except in a kidding mode and then they should be very limited...No straight man wants to hear that (at least those I know)..Has he told you how uncomfortable that makes him? does he make sexual comments in front of you about girls? reverse the situation and think ..do I want to hear about HIS sex with girls? The answer is probably no and now you know how he feels.."".If you can't accept being casual friends, like all my other ones, then I'll drop your key off today. Stop being so fucking dramatic though."...Are you looking for more than casual friends because he thinks so...If not maybe you should let him know and see how it goes from there and if you are he has made it very clear he is not interested...he gave you the opportunity to continue the freindship as long as you give him room and I think you should do that..my opinion..feel freee to disagree!.

....

 

[vamp]

Based on what you've told me while we're chatting, he's an asshole. Your too good of a person to put up with him., He's obviously homophobic and I don't understand why a gay guy is socializing with someone like that. You needed to get rid of him a whole lot sooner than this. You done a good thing for yourself by telling him that his actions are bothering. Now, you need to get away from him.

 

[trawler69]

To be honest he seems to be being quite reasonable. It is you that is going over the top. He has made it plain where he stands and you make him uncomfortable. He told you that directly

and I'm uncomfortable with your gayness. That's sort of true, but It's your fault for that, you've made lots of inappropriate comments about me in front of other people.

Listen to what he is saying and look at your behaviour and try to understand where he is coming from and that he is trying to build bridges whilst you are intent on destroying them.

I honestly believe that you are in danger of losing someone who could be a good friend,

 

[backpacker]

We don't know all the history, but it's obvious that you want more out of the friendship than he does. Sounds like he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be your best friend, just a casual friend. You are complaining about him making insensitive remarks, but by your own admission you make insensitive remarks around him. You can't have your cake and eat it to. I think your message was inappropriate and he took the high road in his reply. He seems like a pretty descent guy, even if he has some issues concerning homosexuality. It doesn't help that he feels like you want more than just friendship with him. I get the feeling that there is some basis for that feeling, even if it's only misinterpretation of what you have said or done. Even given that and other drama, he continued to be your friend. In his response, he says he doesn't want to stop being your friend, but will respect your wishes. I think you are over sensitive, your message was immature and you owe him an apology.

 

[screwnutty]

Okay first off guys. You dont know the whole story and i dont have time to explain it all. I dont want anything other then friendship from him. So this whole "you have feelings for him etc" is not true.

Second. Yes i have made remarks to him, but i have done so because he has made remarks about me too in front of people.

Third. For the guy who says you talk about gay stuff too much. I can only take so much of him flaunting his hetersexuality. He talks about girls all the time, who he's fucking, jerking off too etc. I have said on times that this guy is really hot or cute just to get him to shut up.

fourth: I thought we were best friends. When he gets in trouble with his parents, his girlfriends or others he comes running to me and tells me all about it and expects me to help him out.

Fifth: I gave him a time limit cause he never replies back. He has mood swings. For a few weeks he be over here all the time, hanging out with me, laughing and were great friends....then next week he distant, cold and just rude.

Sixth: His main problem is that he does look like the type of people that interest me. BUT and i have told him this but i guess i need to write him back and tell him again....Just because i'm gay, just because you fit the type of guy i go for in looks and when he's nice mannerisms, doesnt mean that i'm going to hit on you. Never, One your straight and two your a friend.


Seven: I dont understand the give me space comment. At all. Or the starting over again. I last saw him in person on October 7th. before that day it had been 12 or 15 days before i saw him. We dont talk on the phone and i dont message him at all. I figure he drop by when he wants too. The only contact we have had is playing halo 3 together in our clan. We dont even talk to each other during that.

It was last nights comments about faggots and the conversation he had with another friend of mine that got me thinking that maybe he's not my friend. That he's just using me when he feels like it. Friend or Casual Friends dont use the words gay, faggot or homo. At least mine dont.

Anyways I dont know what to do....yes i've made some bad mistakes but right now i just dont think he's worth keeping around.

 

[8591paul]

We can only go by what you wrote...If in fact we knew the whole story we could form a better response..try posting everything leaving nothing out and we MIGHT have better responses

 

[Garawr]

From what it sounds like you're being the unreasonable one. He wants to be friends, he has made that perfectly clear, but what he doesn't want is the feeling that you're getting so close to him that you're going to try to make a move. If you're not, make that clear to him, because to me that sounds why he's uncomfortable.

"If you want to put words in my mouth like "I want to end the friendship", that's fine too. It isn't true, but only if you back off and give me the space I keep asking for. If you keep pushing me and coming after me like this, we're just going to keep starting over again. If you can't accept being casual friends, like all my other ones, then I'll drop your key off today. Stop being so fucking dramatic though."

Right there, he's telling you what the problem in the relationship is.

Hope it works out for you bro.

 

[screwnutty]

*sigh*

Okay. I'm not interested in him. Not making moves on him at all

It doesnt matter anymore though

Grarawr and some of the others were right. See i made the mistake thinking we were close friends. Hell i'm always here for him. He has a key to my place for a reason...so if things get tough at home (he's 23 and still lives at home) he can come here and just chill out or sleep on the couch and make meals here too. We talk and we have our disagreements etc.

But your guys are right and tonight we talked via msn. He only wants to be a casual friend. He finally told me this and i'm grateful. But he's been downgraded. I dont give my casual friends rights to use my place or to be available to talk to at 2:00am in the morning cause he has a problem.

So i'm going to get my key back from him and start treating him as a casual friend. This should work for both of us. Gives him his space and relieves me of the burden of being there like i am for my other close friends.

anyways thanks guys for the advice. It was helpful!

 

[screwnutty]

Hey there Screwnutty ... I feel for ya ... I like reading ur posts ... anyway ... Is this the same guy as in your 'Got a twist for you!' thread ??

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215948

Hello Finbar!

Thanks...glad somebody out there loves to read my banter!

Anyways to answer your question no its not the same guy. This guy is named Scott. He's straight and goes through girlfriends like there a box of tissue!
I do have feelings for him BUT they are friendship feelings only. The guy in the link you posted is named Mat. Were really good friends now and such. He says he's straight and i believe him. If he's not then i'm not the one who gonna help him so I got over my crush for him.

As for Scott and this whole thread, here's the bottomline. I thought we were close friends. He only wants to be casual friends. I'm little hurt by that statement cause I think maybe i did something. He says no i didnt and that he doesn't like to have close friends only casual. Things get to complicated if he were to develop a close friendship with anybody he says. I dont know what he means by complicated and I dont care anymore either. Like I was trying to say from the beginning to the others, I felt alittle hurt...but i've gotten over it now. I've got mat and other close friends that appreciate me more so it doesnt matter about him.

There you go finbar! Hope you read this. Thank you for enjoying my posts!! I try my best to make sure all my posts are good posts! Have a good one!

 

[screwnutty]

Thanks for the update Screwnutty .. the Matt guy sounds nicer .. just focus on your friendship with Matt .. just forget about Scott .. who knows .. maybe Scott will want a close friend later

Hey Finbar...another update for you and the others. I don't have to worry about Scott anymore. It all came out last night at a party. He basically doesn't want to be around a "fag" (his word not mine) and what would his other friends think. Thats why he asked for space. So I said sure....here's some space for you. Dont talk to me ever again. I walked away.

 

[vamp]

I told you that this idiot isn't worth your time. I knew he would reveal his true colors soon. Now, you can move on and pursue your friendships with Matt or that other person lol. Anyways, good for you.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't say this to be mean, but when are you going to start hanging out with more mature guys?

Honestly, you're such a nice guy but it just seems like you're often spending a lot of time and energy parenting some immature, confused young guy. Your heart is in the right place, but honestly you deserve much better than this.

 

[screwnutty]

I don't say this to be mean, but when are you going to start hanging out with more mature guys?

Honestly, you're such a nice guy but it just seems like you're often spending a lot of time and energy parenting some immature, confused young guy. Your heart is in the right place, but honestly you deserve much better than this.

Hey KaraBulut! I agree with you 100%. I dont know....live in a small town and most of the guys my age are married and have no time to just hang out for a bit. I do have a couple guys little older then me and there great, but they have families to take care of and we only meet up and hang out together once or twice every 2 months.

Think you hit the nail on the head with the last comment. I am a nice guy....somedays to much of a nice guy I seemed to be cursed with finding the most lonely, confused, immature young guy out there.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I seemed to be cursed with finding the most lonely, confused, immature young guy out there.

I find them, too. But I just pass over them once I've found them. Perhaps you need to do that, too.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

It is the broken wing syndrome.

Look for friends who don't need you, but actually want to be with you because they enjoy your company.

You'll have a lot less drama and a lot more enjoyment with these people than with immature kids who don't understand all the true demands of a real friendship.

Oh, and stop texting people. I really am beginning to despair over the damage that people do when they are emotionally overwrought and not communicating clearly.

 

[screwnutty]

Oh, and stop texting people. I really am beginning to despair over the damage that people do when they are emotionally overwrought and not communicating clearly.

I agree Rareboy. But it was the only way we were talking for the last few days when this all started. He never talk about this in person, so it left me little choice.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>But it was the only way we were talking for the last few days when this all started. He never talk about this in person, so it left me little choice.

Don't know if you knew this, but you can use that texting device to actually use your voice to communicate with him verbally.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I agree that texting and emailing are becoming a way to avoid face-to-face conversations. And it removes the empathy factor from these types of conversations.

But I was thinking about the earlier discussion about these guys that screwnutty seems to have issues with and many of them are his gaming friends. SN's a little unusual in that he's a very social guy who likes online games.

It seems the guys that he's having issues with are often unable to communicate as well- they're more introverted and there are many of these young, male gamers that are introverts who are more awkward in social situations. And these problems are very closely related to the whole gamut of problems in these friendships.