Friendship after long distance relationship

[obscure]

Hi,

I just wanted to ask for your opinion on a matter I'm not sure how to handle.

So, I was in a ldr relationship for 1.5 years. We were both deeply in love, and both think we work really well together (and not just because of the feelings we had for each other, but because our personalities match really well, and we have similar views on life and share common goals).
We had to end the relationship. Well, I had to, after I found out he cheated on me. I know it was a mistake, and he was truly sorry for it. And I'm pretty sure wouldn't it have been a ldr, this would have just been a learning experience, and something to make the relationship stronger. But well, it happened, and due to the distance and the fact that it just happened when I was planning on moving to live with him, I had to end it, since the commitment to move to such a far away country was to big considering what just happened.

So to the question:
I'm still of course coping with the breakup, so I know the best would be to cut any contact for a while. But do you think it would be wise to try to become friends in a couple of months, in order to see if in future we can actually get together again?
The point is: he'll be finishing school in about more then a year. I'll be finishing in a couple of months, and I'm planning on taking some time off to travel and get some working experiences. This would allow both time to mature, and me the possibilities to do things I would have sacrificed otherwise to move with him when I would have finished school. And after that, we could try and see if the relationship can still work
Of course, and this might be the difficult part, I wouldn't live waiting and hoping for us to get back together. But just live my life, and if given the right circumstances, see if we can make it work a second time.

What do you think? Am I just crazy, or is this a good idea?

Thanks

 

[eastofeden]

I am curious about one thing...did you ever meet in person?

 

[obscure]

I am curious about one thing...did you ever meet in person?

Yeah, of course

We met and have been together for about 4 months while he was abroad, and decided to try the ldr thing when he went back to his home country. Then I went to visit him for 1 month, and he came for about 3. So we spent out of the 1.5 years of ldr about 8 months together. The problem was, that we always had huge time spans on 5 to 6 months of time apart before we could see each other again

I would never start a virtual relationship. I value sex and being intimate way too much ^^

 

[eastofeden]

^^^Good...glad I asked. I meant no offense...I had given advice to someone once on another board and I felt a bit foolish afterward because my advice was not valid when I had realized they had never met.

Having said that...of course a friendship is possible in the future...maybe even a relationship. Have you forgiven him for his "mistake" yet? If not...do you intend on forgiving him?

 

[obscure]

^^^Good...glad I asked. I meant no offense...I had given advice to someone once on another board and I felt a bit foolish afterward because my advice was not valid when I had realized they had never met.

Having said that...of course a friendship is possible in the future...maybe even a relationship. Have you forgiven him for his "mistake" yet? If not...do you intend on forgiving him?

I didn't think it was an offensive question, just a silly one ^^
But considering what you said, it made sense to ask beforehand

I have forgiven him already. We discussed things really thoroughly before breaking up. And I knew myself the relationship due to the prolonged distance and other reason was really difficult on both of us. So I understand why a cheating episode would happen. The trust issue was more about him not telling me (out of fear of losing me) than about the actual cheating episode.

I can easily forgive. I'm not sure yet though if the cheating was just a result of the ldr, or some character flow on his side. Since he has cheated before in other relationships, although none of the previous relationship was really serious (2 being with girls, trying to prove himself he was straight, and one with a guy, trying to prove himself he could actually be in a relationship)

 

[bruce379]

I didn't think it was an offensive question, just a silly one ^^
But considering what you said, it made sense to ask beforehand

I have forgiven him already. We discussed things really thoroughly before breaking up. And I knew myself the relationship due to the prolonged distance and other reason was really difficult on both of us. So I understand why a cheating episode would happen. The trust issue was more about him not telling me (out of fear of losing me) than about the actual cheating episode.

I can easily forgive. I'm not sure yet though if the cheating was just a result of the ldr, or some character flow on his side. Since he has cheated before in other relationships, although none of the previous relationship was really serious (2 being with girls, trying to prove himself he was straight, and one with a guy, trying to prove himself he could actually be in a relationship)

Are you lesbians? Monogamy is for lesbians. Specially since this is a ldr the 2 of you should have anticipated each other's sexual needs. To deprive each other sexual release is just cruel and inhuman

The two of you are not straight obviously so strict monogamy is not expected. Plus you don't go, "honey I'm home" everyday.

My point is, if your relationship is based more on a selfish form of a demand of exclusive sex from each other and not on love and understanding then it's like building a house on one stilt called sex and any infraction will bring the whole thing down. I'm not saying you should have an open relationship but it hasn't evolved beyond sex.

I hope you get back together and base your relationship beyond sex. Sex should only be a means of physical release not emotional attachment for a long standing relationship. Physical attraction and sex are just the first step but it shouldn't be the only basis of a loving and understanding relationship. It needs to evolve beyond that.

 

[obscure]

Are you lesbians? Monogamy is for lesbians. Specially since this is a ldr the 2 of you should have anticipated each other's sexual needs. To deprive each other sexual release is just cruel and inhuman

The two of you are not straight obviously so strict monogamy is not expected. Plus you don't go, "honey I'm home" everyday.

My point is, if your relationship is based more on a selfish form of a demand of exclusive sex from each other and not on love and understanding then it's like building a house on one stilt called sex and any infraction will bring the whole thing down. I'm not saying you should have an open relationship but it hasn't evolved beyond sex.

I hope you get back together and base your relationship beyond sex. Sex should only be a means of physical release not emotional attachment for a long standing relationship. Physical attraction and sex are just the first step but it shouldn't be the only basis of a loving and understanding relationship. It needs to evolve beyond that.

Well, I don't think it has anything to do with being lesbian, straight or gay, but just with the needs of the people involved in the relationship.
I get sex without love, I'm not a prude. But I also think that open relationships aren't for everyone. At least I don't think I would need one while in a relationship

That being said, I think it's a total different case when it comes to a ldr. And that was one of the problems, since my now ex knew I would have being fine with him screwing around with other people, or at least discussing the option. And I know it was unfortunate, because his cheating happened during a time when I was away for a couple of weeks and we didn't have the opportunity to talk about it. So in other circumstances, things might have been different.

My point is, since I kind of rumbled around, that an open relationship is fine, and would have been ok with me. But tell me beforehand, and get my permission first. Than you can do whatever you want. It's a matter of trust and defining the rules of a relationship. And we decided that for the time being, we didn't want to open it up. I can assure you, we discussed this a lot

 

[bruce379]

Well, I don't think it has anything to do with being lesbian, straight or gay, but just with the needs of the people involved in the relationship.
I get sex without love, I'm not a prude. But I also think that open relationships aren't for everyone. At least I don't think I would need one while in a relationship

That being said, I think it's a total different case when it comes to a ldr. And that was one of the problems, since my now ex knew I would have being fine with him screwing around with other people, or at least discussing the option. And I know it was unfortunate, because his cheating happened during a time when I was away for a couple of weeks and we didn't have the opportunity to talk about it. So in other circumstances, things might have been different.

My point is, since I kind of rumbled around, that an open relationship is fine, and would have been ok with me. But tell me beforehand, and get my permission first. Than you can do whatever you want. It's a matter of trust and defining the rules of a relationship. And we decided that for the time being, we didn't want to open it up. I can assure you, we discussed this a lot

Oh cool. I guess both of you were mature enough to face the facts and difficulties of your situation. It appears that this was a simple matter of miscommunication or lack of communication which can happen more often in a ldr. I totally agree with you that he should have at least asked your consent. These mishaps happen unfortunately in any relationship, any. I'm sincerely sorry if I came across as abrasive perhaps in my previous post , it wasn't my intent. Open relationships aren't for everyone is true but being realistic that sex outside your partner is a high possibility especially when both of you are separated by time or distance has to be factored in. Men are pigs, what can I say?

I really hope the two of you get back together again because these types of miscommunication or lack of transparency are so fixable but usually get out of hand quite fast sometimes - I've had my share of it too. I also agree with you when you said relationships are a matter of trust and defining the limits or rules of the relationship. I hasten to add that anticipating the needs of your partner or initiating the discussion can sometimes benefit the relationship a lot. ...if I only knew what I know now...


I hope you move in together that might cure a lot of your problems or at least be nearby each other.

Best of luck!

 

[bankside]

Any relationship is monogamous unless people negotiate and agree to something unconventional.

I would not tolerate my friends betraying my trust. In my life, a cheating ex would not even qualify for friendship. I know better people who would never do that kind of thing, and I'd rather spend time with them.

 

[obscure]

Oh cool. I guess both of you were mature enough to face the facts and difficulties of your situation. It appears that this was a simple matter of miscommunication or lack of communication which can happen more often in a ldr. I totally agree with you that he should have at least asked your consent. These mishaps happen unfortunately in any relationship, any. I'm sincerely sorry if I came across as abrasive perhaps in my previous post , it wasn't my intent. Open relationships aren't for everyone is true but being realistic that sex outside your partner is a high possibility especially when both of you are separated by time or distance has to be factored in. Men are pigs, what can I say?

I really hope the two of you get back together again because these types of miscommunication or lack of transparency are so fixable but usually get out of hand quite fast sometimes - I've had my share of it too. I also agree with you when you said relationships are a matter of trust and defining the limits or rules of the relationship. I hasten to add that anticipating the needs of your partner or initiating the discussion can sometimes benefit the relationship a lot. ...if I only knew what I know now...


I hope you move in together  that might cure a lot of your problems or at least be nearby each other.

Best of luck!

If I can ask: how old are you? Have you ever been cheated on or cheated yourself? If yes, what happened afterwards?

What I'm trying to figure out is, if it's worth trying to mend things, or not.
I really think we had great potential, and I get that we are both young (both 25), and experiencing our first important relationships, and learning on the go, so mistakes are bound to happen.

And that's kind of the problem I'm facing here: I spent 1.5 years getting to know this guy, growing up with him, planning a future together. Then a mistake happens, and everything is over. But mistakes are part of growing up, I can accept that they will happen.
I'm trying to figure out if it's best to accept the mistakes, and the fact that a partner might not be perfect from the start, and allow us to grow together. Or break up whenever something bigger comes along, and find someone new, and keep learning and maturing with him. And repeating the cycle, until both partners coming together have matured enough to be able to sustain a relationship.

It feels like a waste of time, if a relationship becomes only a learning experience, instead of something bigger, something for life.
I mean. He might have learned now that it was a bad decision, and be the perfect partner in his next relationship. And so I would be losing something good, and allowing the next one coming along to get an "improved" and "fixed" partner.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself clearly. It's kind of a complicated feeling....

 

[obscure]

Any relationship is monogamous unless people negotiate and agree to something unconventional.

I would not tolerate my friends betraying my trust. In my life, a cheating ex would not even qualify for friendship. I know better people who would never do that kind of thing, and I'd rather spend time with them.

I know, and I might just be naive. But do you really think there is really no way that you could find yourself cheating on your partner?
I mean, there has to be a difference between someone cheating because he wants to. Someone going out and actually looking for something to happen.
And a person that just happens to get a crush on a friend, and just finds it difficult to say no when a dinner turns into something more.

I mean, can you really say for sure that some people "would never do that kind of thing", or at the end is just a matter of circumstances?

I'm no trying to accuse or anything. I'm really just trying to understand. One of the first things I learned when dealing with relationships is, that most miscommunication happens because we always assume that other people think the way we do, while mostly we couldn't be further from the truth

 

[bruce379]

If I can ask: how old are you? Have you ever been cheated on or cheated yourself? If yes, what happened afterwards?

What I'm trying to figure out is, if it's worth trying to mend things, or not.
I really think we had great potential, and I get that we are both young (both 25), and experiencing our first important relationships, and learning on the go, so mistakes are bound to happen.

And that's kind of the problem I'm facing here: I spent 1.5 years getting to know this guy, growing up with him, planning a future together. Then a mistake happens, and everything is over. But mistakes are part of growing up, I can accept that they will happen.
I'm trying to figure out if it's best to accept the mistakes, and the fact that a partner might not be perfect from the start, and allow us to grow together. Or break up whenever something bigger comes along, and find someone new, and keep learning and maturing with him. And repeating the cycle, until both partners coming together have matured enough to be able to sustain a relationship.

It feels like a waste of time, if a relationship becomes only a learning experience, instead of something bigger, something for life.
I mean. He might have learned now that it was a bad decision, and be the perfect partner in his next relationship. And so I would be losing something good, and allowing the next one coming along to get an "improved" and "fixed" partner.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself clearly. It's kind of a complicated feeling....

40. Been cheated on while dating a few guys. Cheated once while dating a guy.

In my experience, all bets are off if you are only dating for less than 3 months because both are just trying things out and basically figuring each other's compatibility. But in your case, it's been more than a year and a real relationship has developed and the figuring out stage has been basically been dealt with.

Don't try looking for a perfect partner because for all intents and purposes you aren't perfect for him either or anybody else for that matter, man or woman. The best you can do is work with each other's imperfections and move forward. Any relationship longer than 6 months is worth saving. Longer than a year, definitely put an effort in saving. You have an advantage since I assume you've been in and out of a relationship with guys since hopefully you were younger. I started late for reasons too many to enumerate, so I had a lot of catching up to do

I've had some open relationships that ended because of personal flaws or incompatibility not jealousy. Go into a relationship knowing full well that the other guy will fuck anything that moves if you're not around and make him aware that you will probably do the same. The only way to minimize that, not eliminate, is to have sex with him as often as he needs and vice-versa. If straight couples play around or are not immune to cheating, expect gay guys to play exponentially more.

Strengthen your emotional bonds and personal entanglement and support for each other, when that happens, your relationship has gone above sex; sex then becomes just incidental. You two could comfortably have sex with random people everyday and at the end of the day you only want to share the same bed and wake up together. In other words, you two could depend on others for the sex but still remain committed to each other everyday. I've seen several, several, couples where this kind of situation works and still working close to or sometimes more than ten years together.

Communicate and anticipate your needs and his needs, your wants and his wants. Lay out the ground rules of the relationship and re-discuss and reassure each other periodically every now and then. Kiss liberally. Tell him, ok fuck around just don't bring any bugs to bed and tell me right away if you get somebody pregnant or if the condom breaks inside - that kind of thing. And if the worst scenario did happen, are you really that superficial to just dump him? Sure, you have a right to be angry but assume the risks with both eyes wide open. If you can accept all this and he can accept all this, then, truly, you two deserve each other. Obviously, this trust and confidence must be built over time but be aware and make him aware that mistakes will happen and will be committed by both but that you are willing to forgive because you love him and hopefully he sees it the same way.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, whatever kills you makes your mom stronger, as my friend used to say.

Guys over the age of 30 are mature enough and ready to settle into a relationship. Younger, less so. Just an observation.

 

[obscure]

40. Been cheated on while dating a few guys. Cheated once while dating a guy.

In my experience, all bets are off if you are only dating for less than 3 months because both are just trying things out and basically figuring each other's compatibility. But in your case, it's been more than a year and a real relationship has developed and the figuring out stage has been basically been dealt with.

Don't try looking for a perfect partner because for all intents and purposes you aren't perfect for him either or anybody else for that matter, man or woman. The best you can do is work with each other's imperfections and move forward. Any relationship longer than 6 months is worth saving. Longer than a year, definitely put an effort in saving. You have an advantage since I assume you've been in and out of a relationship with guys since hopefully you were younger. I started late for reasons too many to enumerate, so I had a lot of catching up to do

I've had some open relationships that ended because of personal flaws or incompatibility not jealousy. Go into a relationship knowing full well that the other guy will fuck anything that moves if you're not around and make him aware that you will probably do the same. The only way to minimize that, not eliminate, is to have sex with him as often as he needs and vice-versa. If straight couples play around or are not immune to cheating, expect gay guys to play exponentially more.

Strengthen your emotional bonds and personal entanglement and support for each other, when that happens, your relationship has gone above sex; sex then becomes just incidental. You two could comfortably have sex with random people everyday and at the end of the day you only want to share the same bed and wake up together. In other words, you two could depend on others for the sex but still remain committed to each other everyday. I've seen several, several, couples where this kind of situation works and still working close to or sometimes more than ten years together.

Communicate and anticipate your needs and his needs, your wants and his wants. Lay out the ground rules of the relationship and re-discuss and reassure each other periodically every now and then. Kiss liberally. Tell him, ok fuck around just don't bring any bugs to bed and tell me right away if you get somebody pregnant or if the condom breaks inside - that kind of thing. And if the worst scenario did happen, are you really that superficial to just dump him? Sure, you have a right to be angry but assume the risks with both eyes wide open. If you can accept all this and he can accept all this, then, truly, you two deserve each other. Obviously, this trust and confidence must be built over time but be aware and make him aware that mistakes will happen and will be committed by both but that you are willing to forgive because you love him and hopefully he sees it the same way.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, whatever kills you makes your mom stronger, as my friend used to say.

Guys over the age of 30 are mature enough and ready to settle into a relationship. Younger, less so. Just an observation.

You might have a good point there. Thanks for your advice and ;-)

I would have definitely tried to save the relationship, would have not been for the distance. I was really about to make the commitment to move to him, but given the circumstances, I couldn't anymore, so I we had to break up, since I'm speaking about a ldr where I'm in one continent, and he is in another one

But maybe we could just take it easy for a while, and see if we can make this work out once we're both done with our school commitments right now

 

[bruce379]

You might have a good point there. Thanks for your advice and ;-)

I would have definitely tried to save the relationship, would have not been for the distance. I was really about to make the commitment to move to him, but given the circumstances, I couldn't anymore, so I we had to break up, since I'm speaking about a ldr where I'm in one continent, and he is in another one

But maybe we could just take it easy for a while, and see if we can make this work out once we're both done with our school commitments right now

The distance thing is certainly difficult and I've seen many, many relationships end because of distance, or had to end because of distance - it's just not practical. Although I know of a very few instances where because of professional requirements, one partner has to travel for months at a time, those kind of 'distance' becomes irrelevant and the relationship is still in good solid footing. For obvious reasons, that kind of a situation is an 'open relationship' in the sense that both partners know and willingly allow the other to fuck around to prevent the other from losing their sanity while the other is away for months at a time - imagine Anderson Cooper (I don't know him personally, don't be misled ) but you obviously get what I'm trying to say.

There is still a possibility, above fair, that once both of you are finished with school and already starting something professionally related, that you might find time to reconnect and might, might find that spark you had for each other. I truly hope you do too. It might take a while though. But in the meantime, allow yourself to move on and meet other people. Like the lotto says, 'hey, you never know'.

With that I hope you find that special someone who will love you and have a happy and fulfilling journey in life!