Friendship / Relationship / coming out advice

[collegefbstud]

So i started following this guy in social media i thought was super hott and talented and wanted to get to know him more, and so i started messaging on facebook and snapchat trying to get to know him more, and it worked. In our conversations there wasa mix of sexual stuff as well as serious things about life who we were and things about friends and family. Eventually it worked out to where i was able to do a small favor and pick him up from the airport and meet him for the first time. (He is an openly gay actor / model that is in the early stages of his career and is gonna be a huge hit one day, while i am atleast bi but havent come out yet) Picked him up and dropped him off at a friends and we just had a normal casual conversation on the way and it finally broke the ice. I was able to get his phone number and our converstaions would continue over texts and social media, and i would pick him up from the airport a few more times, and one of those times we stayed in a hotel and i had my first ever experience with a guy, we j/o together and he played with my dick for a little bit and i couldnt cum :/ but he did . We proceeded to get to know each other more and i would visit him a few times and he has showed me some of his favorite spots in his hometown, i have met all of his close friends and family, and he has even "inducted" me into the close group of friends that he has and they have openly accepted me and taken me right in. He has been so influential in my confidence and me figuring out who i am as a person and we connect on such a deep level along with the sexual attraction. He has offered to be the first person i have sex with and has said we can take baby steps and he would bottom first for me. My concern is that he is involved with other guys ( which is everyones right because he is dating nobody) and everytime we hang out with his friends and start talking about other guys he likes and stuff it makes me sad / jealous because i want him to be with me, but im not sure if i am the kind of person he would date, and i feel so comfortable around him and open up that im afraid i will open up to much and lose someone who is becoming a best friend and someone that i cant see myself not having in my life, i think him and hos friends can tell how i feel about him, but i also dont wanna not say anything and miss the opportunity to possibly have that deeper relationship. Any advice or help would be much appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read my story

 

[sixthson]

From what you have posted, you may be looking for something he isn't. You don't know if he is interested in more than sex but you already know you want more than that. If you think you might get hurt, you better take control now. Only you know if you are able to settle for just sex or not. It sounds to me like you want someone who will feel the same way about you as you do about him. So far, this guys is not really showing that, is he?

 

[collegefbstud]

Thats what i am afraid of, he has mentioned alot of subtle hints that could be just me spiinning them they way i want like when he offered to be the first person i have sex with he said "but i also want you to really get to know me and know more about me and not just sexually" he is also coming off of a relationship for about 7 years, he is very active on the sex scene and he is afraid of being in another relationship and has always been told he would never end up marrying anyone. I feel the connection that he does care so much about me as a person like i do about him because thats mostly what out relationship had been so far, and i know these things take time but for myself i just wish there was a way i could find out if there is ever a possiblility of us datiing, or if we are just meant to be close friends with a few benefits.

 

[eastofeden]

I would suggest putting it on the table so you know one way or the other.....

Torturing yourself or accommodating fears will do you no good...

I think it is always a good idea to put your chips on the table AND (important part)...be OK with whatever outcome happens. You may love the outcome ...or not like it at all...but at least you will not be torturing yourself anymore....

 

[SeaCore]

i just wish there was a way i could find out if there is ever a possiblility of us datiing, or if we are just meant to be close friends with a few benefits.

Sounds to me like you have plenty of opportunity to find that out. I imagine you don't want to talk about it directly with this guy about your feelings and interest. But you could talk with one of your now mutual friends and ask them if they think you might be good together or if the guy is even interested.

Still, being direct is an option as well. You can ask this dude directly about what they see the two of you's relationship as and where they think it's heading.

 

[collegefbstud]

Just talked to one of his mutual friends and for him he is insanely happy to have me in his life, and cares about me and is sexually attracted to me, but he needs friends more than anything, and he wants me in his life forever and he knows right now he isnt ready for a relationship and might not ever be, he just likes to have fun with other guys and isnt a monogamous person at all.

 

[SeaCore]

So it sounds to me like you are going to need to make a decision about if their non-monogamy is a deal breaker. And it sounds like at this point in time it is. You could hold out for them being open to a romantic relationship but that hurdle is going to continue to be there and you are going to have to either reconcile your issue with non-monogamy, become accepting of it or finding some sort of compromise, or you're going to have to recognize that entering that relationship will be at odds with your needs and may be doomed to turning sour.

A few assorted things I'd like to put out there:
I think it would be good for you to examine your feelings of jealousy and why you have them. I consider jealousy a character flaw because it tends to be reflection of a discontentment you have that you haven't yet addressed and that ultimately holds you back. This isn't to say you have to be comfortable with non-monogamy or that this would be a character flaw, I see monogamy as setting up a personal boundary to make yourself feel secure and that the reason being cheated on hurts is because the person disrespected you and the relationship the two of you built. Do not try to force yourself to accept a deal breaker.

I'm sure this guy has several qualities that endear you to them. It's unlikely that they are the only person who has them. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try and take note of these traits and use them to help understand what you're looking for. If things don't work out you've at least walked away knowing yourself a little better.

It's okay to take a break, process, and possibly grieve. This person sounds really important to you but you shouldn't be carrying around expectations that are damaging. You need to figure out how you're going to be able to navigate the relationship, friendship or otherwise, you currently have. That may mean giving up on the hope that you'll be together, and if you have to do a little grieving (With the help of another friend for support?) that's okay. Grief isn't limited to someone dying. You may need to spend a little time apart so you can really understand what this person is fulfilling in your life and if you can get that elsewhere.

Hope that helps!

 

[collegefbstud]

Thank you guys very much for the support! a little update...

i have talked to him a little bit since i last saw him and was overcome with emotions and sadness when i left from staying with him and friends for the weekend (although nothing about the feelings and emotions and all that stuff) i did make the mistake of texting him and sayin i was developing feelings and stuff for him, but then later texted and said i was wrong and asked if i could call him and talk about it, well we didnt get to talk because he released an album and was very stressed and overwhelmed so i said we could talk today because i didnt wanna put any added stress or worries on him. I have texted a few times today congratulating him with no response (which he hardly ever responds alot or carrys on conversations through texts even before all of this.) I have decided today that i am gonna come out to my mom, and i have texted his friend which she has really helped and encouraged me while hes going through his stuff. Im debating on 1. whether or not i should text hum and tell him that im doing this later because he has been very supportive and encouraging to me to do this as well,( but i dont wanna ruin his special day with my coming out) 2. should i try and call him later tonight like we talked about last night or wait for him to call or text me so that we can talk about everything over the phone. I never knew all of this would be so hard but i havent been eating lately and couldnt even focus this morning at work without getting emotional thinking about coming out so i decided i cant go through this anymore.

 

[collegefbstud]

Update: Came out to my mom which was a huge relief, went very well and she wasnt "surprised." After himnasking when i was free followed by the <3 i replied "just got off work so im free all day" later that night texted and asked if he had any plans for halloween and never heard from him at all after his before mentioned text :/ I also texted this morning and just said good morning hope you have another great day! he doesnt know i came out to my mom unless his friend told him because yesterday was his special day as he released his first EP, so i didnt wanna say anything and try to turn the day about me. Alot of emotions and feelings have went away and sonce i came out to my mom which was a release of alot of emotions. I think its more of just needing friends and someone to talk to while going through all of this since i dont have anyone around me or close to me that i can talk to besides him..

 

[sixthson]

Just don't pin all your hopes on him for a relationship and try not to flood him with text messages.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just don't pin all your hopes on him for a relationship and try not to flood him with text messages.

^Pretty much this.

When most gay men come out and they're dating for the first time, they expect the issue of compatibility to be a lot simpler than it is. Love isn't enough. Attraction isn't enough. Compatibility turns out to be a very complex thing.

This is a time for you to meet other gay guys, develop friendships, date and make the mistakes that everyone has to make in order to figure out who you are and what you want.

Hopefully, this guy you met will be a part of that group of friends but don't pin your hopes on just one guy.

 

[eastofeden]

A favorite line from a 1970s song...

If it don't fit...don't force it...just relax and let it go....

...just 'cuz that's how you want it doesn't mean it will be so....

Catchy tune...and it rhymes

The message is one everyone has to learn sooner or later...sooner is better though

Congrats on Coming Out BTW.