Friendship

[backpacker]

Does he know that you are gay? I'm guessing from what you wrote that he doesn't know. He may deny being gay out of fear of being rejected, he may straight or he may be in denial. The bottom line, there isn't really a way for you to know.

The best thing you can do is tell him that you are gay. Then the ball will be in his court. Don't expect an immediate coming out on his part (if he is gay).

If he already knows that you are gay, then the ball is already in his court. It could be that he is straight and comfortable around gay guys or is in denial. Just be patient and see how things develop.

 

[KaraBulut]

Anyways im really confused now. Please help me.

You're confused and your friend is confused.

But since he's denying it, there's not much that can be done. Assuming of course, that he knows you're "curious".

 

[vamp]

Yeah, he's definitely sending mixed signals. It sounds like he's deep in the closet but he is acting out. (Does that makes sense?) If he keeps it up, I would ask him about that. Ask him why is he acting like that if he isn't gay.

 

[hothunk222]

Ugh, one of my friends is the same way! He would always be making hints, flirts and throwing innuendo such as holding my hand, dedicating love songs to me, etc and also some really overt stuff. I tried my best to dismiss all his hints as just friendly jokes but I ended up falling hard for him! It got to be too much. I eventually mustered up the courage to tell him that I'm really into him and if he's gay/bi or what's the deal why would he always "joke" around like he was? and he never said "no" directly but I guess he's not gay. The funny thing is that ever since I told him that I'm bi and that I fell for him, our friendship has gotten ALOT closer and very open. I'm still recovering from the experience and heartbreak and honestly, I still have a little hope for me and my weird friend but I don't expect anything will ever happen between us. I'm just really lucky that he is still friends with me and didn't get creeped out by me, instead we got closer than ever before and he does love me, alot just in a different way he's even told me before. I'm never going to risk the great friendship that we have, I've learned my lesson. Most guys aren't as lucky as me, usually their friendships are broken when one of them ends up being gay and crosses that line. So, I think it's up to you if you want to risk the friendship by telling him how you feel, maybe you should hint back and warm him up to the idea so that HE asks YOU instead?

 

[backpacker]

i did but he said he's not gay well he said what ever he's doing he's not gay. He's really defensive when being called gay.

Does he know that you are gay?

If not, you can't expect him to tell you if you won't tell him.

 

[KaraBulut]

I guess you're right. I'll just wait until he comes out to me. But i have this concern. What if he's just doing this because he wants to know if im gay or not?

You're both standing on the side of the pool saying, "You first".

You're wanting him to take the big risk and tell you he's gay. You want him to trust you but you don't trust him enough to say, "I'm gay" or even "I've kinda wondered what it would be like".

If this guy is your friend, the two of you should be able to talk.

If you just want to get in his pants, then you're both going to be standing at the side of the pool for a while.

 

[Lube]

Can't really add to what KaraBulut said.

It's your move, buddy.

 

[hothunk222]

You're both standing on the side of the pool saying, "You first".

You're wanting him to take the big risk and tell you he's gay. You want him to trust you but you don't trust him enough to say, "I'm gay" or even "I've kinda wondered what it would be like".

If this guy is your friend, the two of you should be able to talk.

If you just want to get in his pants, then you're both going to be standing at the side of the pool for a while.

This is exactly what I went through also with my friend! We both suspected each other of being gay/bi and would even say so and joke/hint to each other sometimes ask each other straight out about it but neither of us ever answered directly or shifted the attention to the other guy being gay. It was like we were both afraid of telling the other guy first but waited for the other guy to "give in" first and admit that he's gay. Well, after many months of this back and forth hinting, flirting and innuendo I was the one to give in and I went to my friend and told him that I'm into guys and that all his hinting and innuendo made me wonder if he was also, but he denied being gay/bi not directly but nothing ever happened and oddly enough the hinting and innuendo still continues from time to time.... I got really confused and heartbroken, so be carefull!!! There are some really sexually confused guys out there who back off as soon as something REAL happens you know, as soon as the experience shows a possibility of going beyond flirting and hinting they get a little scared.

I think your friend like my friend really needs time to figure out his own sexuality... just don't wait around for him! It's painful. He can come to you if he ever figures himself out.

 

[backpacker]

Looks like he has made some moves and you rejected him. Don't expect him to make the next move. Given everything that you have written, my guess is that "you have nothing to fear, but fear itself." You can either keep driving yourself crazy or make a move.

As I suggested before, the best thing would be to come out to him without indicating that you are into him. I'm sure he'll figure that out on his own and there is no reason to put him on the spot. He may need some time to get up the nerve to tell you even after your disclosure. Even if he isn't gay, he could be your straight friend that you can talk to about your life.

Don't be too surprised if his immediate reaction is to deny he is gay. That may be the case, but you really can't tell about declarations made at a time like that. By the way, the worse thing that you can do to a closeted guy is put him on the spot by asking if he is gay. All that tends to do is drive them further into the closet. By the way, I sure wouldn't take it as a hint if you said to me "wat ur gay". That's usually a put down that anti-gay people say.

If he is really your friend, he should be cool with you being gay. If he isn't, then he wasn't much of friend anyway. You may also consider how good of a friend you are to him if you can't be honest. A little food for thought there. I think he made the first move and now the ball is in your court. Good luck!

 

[backpacker]

It could be what you say about you being close to people he doesn't like or it could be that he frustrated that things aren't progressing with you. He could also be jealous of you spending time with others. You'll never know unless you talk to him.

Is there a good reason why he doesn't like these other friends of yours? If there isn't a good reason for bad blood, he may just feel uncomfortable around them. Try to include him in activities with these friends and make sure he is engaged in what ever activity is going on. Make it your job to make sure he has a good time. Let him see that he's still important to you even when your other friends around.

Relationships with a lot of sexual tension tend to fizzle out if things come to a stand still. Somebody always grows tired with the situation and decides they need to distance themselves. I don't know if this is the case here, but you won't know unless you talk to him about it. Maybe you should call him and say "I noticed that you seem to be distant from me. I want you to know that I really miss you." The conversation may even provide the opening for you to come out.